A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than the others, but... yeah I'm sorry. TW: Mentions of suicide and . If you're reading and it triggers you, please stop. I'll include a summary of this chapter in the next one so the flow of the storyline is still there. Sorry in advance,, :'-))

 c h a p t e r  t e n ; 

Most people misunderstand me, and by most, I mean everyone. Or at least everyone who has stepped in and out of my life.

I never fit in. My mother passed away when I was less than ten, and I had neither a father nor siblings to go through the motions of mourning over my mother’s passing with. At the time, I couldn’t really understand death, so as I watched them bury my mother, all I thought was that she was sleeping; that she’d eventually wake up and come back, and things would go on the way they had for the first seven years of my life. When my mother took too long to come back, I guess I… somewhat resigned to fate, even if I didn’t understand it. The thing with me is that I have never been able to express myself well, so whenever someone asked if I was okay, I’d smile and say “mm,” because what else could I say? Tell them I’m thinking of my dead mother and why she isn’t back yet? Not a chance.

The first time I realised that everyone misunderstood me was when I was eleven. We were due to have a field trip in around three weeks time, and our teacher had handed us a permission slip for our parents or guardians to sign. I clearly remember going home, reading the slip and wondering who to give the slip to. I looked at the options—signed by parent OR guardian. Parent? I had a parent. My mother, of course. Guardian? What does guardian even mean?

So I wrote my mother’s name and forged some sort of signature.

When the teacher collected and went through the slips in class while we were doing worksheets, I saw the way she frowned as she, presumably, looked at my slip. She called me over and asked me to meet her after class so that none of my classmates would see us.

“Who signed this for you?”

“My… mother.”

“Lee Hyukjae, I’m going to ask you one more time; who signed this for you?”

“My mother.”

That was the first time I got smacked on the palm with a metal ruler, and I didn’t even understand why.

In high school, I made the mistake of announcing to the world that I didn’t have parents. I can’t really pinpoint what it was that made me do it. All I know is that the moment it happened, I gained some sort of nickname from the others. They found out that my mother had passed on from… you know… and coined me the nickname “Jae the Jinx.” Maybe it sounds funny to everyone, but it didn’t sound funny to me. People would shove me aside or wince if I sat near them, saying I’m bad luck and that they didn’t want to die next. The only friends I had were Jungsoo, Henry, Kangin and Donghee, but even they didn’t want to be seen around me. Some of the girls were nice to me, but that’s it—just like Jungsoo and the rest, they didn’t exactly want to be seen with me either. So most days I spent my recess time eating the lunch Donghae’s mother made me in a bathroom stall, crying all alone.

Donghae and I went to different high schools. I’m not sure why we did, but I wish we didn’t. Everyday, I’d come home to him asking me how was school, and everyday without fail I would smile and say “never been better.” I didn’t want to worry anyone.

Fast forward several years and I was in my first year of university. Everything was okay, I guess, since I got to start afresh. Blank slate. Whatever. I made a few friends here and there, had people to talk and laugh with on the daily… stuff like that. I guess I got carried away. I’ve never had that many friends, so my level of understanding when it came to social cues was pretty much ed. I thought, “Everyone’s so nice to me. I shouldn’t have to hide anything from them, right?”

So I told them I was gay and it spread like wildfire.

I should’ve remembered that I live in South Korea. By then, it was too late for regrets, so I embraced it. Not like it was anything different from high school after all; just a different set of people calling me new slurs, maybe shoving me into walls on their way to class or giving me the stink eye when I sat near them in the cafeteria. I lost all the friends I made, so I was back to square one. Maybe it was better that way; I was always alone anyway, except when I was at home with Donghae and his family. But neither Donghae nor his family knew I was gay and I decided not to tell them. I didn’t want to get kicked out.

Jungsoo caught up with me one afternoon after we bumped into each other at the mall. He was with his friends and I, as per usual, was alone. After parting ways with his friends, we sat down at a cafe and talked over smoothies and sandwiches.

“How’s everything in uni?” he asked in between sips of a mango and blueberry smoothie.

He was one of the only friends I’ve ever had in my life, so I told him. I told him everything. For the first time in nineteen years, I broke down in front of someone, not within the confines of a bathroom stall. Jungsoo was an angel. He wasn’t ashamed of being with me anymore and didn’t hesitate to comfort me, telling me it’s okay and that people don’t matter as long as I stay true to myself. I remember his words very clearly till this day, and it’s one of the reasons why I insist Jungsoo is still a nice person. He’s very kind-hearted. Not that anyone, including Donghae, would understand anyway.

The bad thing, though, was that Jungsoo thought it’d be a great idea to introduce me to a cousin of his who was two years older than us. That cousin went to the university I was in. Yes, that’s right. That’s how I got to know Junho.

We were friends. Junho looked after me very well in uni. At the very beginning, it was the same ol’ thing happening again and again; people shoving me here and there, backstabbing me whenever they had the chance to… I was numb. But when everyone found out Junho was my friend, they kept their mouths shut. Why? Junho was a jock. He was the captain of the volleyball team and everyone respected him for leading the team to victory, medal after medal. He was scrawny and tall, but he was handsome, very handsome—he had everyone on their knees at his mercy. No one dared to disrespect him because his aura alone commanded respect. The most ironic part though?

He was gay. No one batted an eyelid.

So as someone who never had a close-knit or consistent group of friends (if I even had any at all aside from Jungsoo), constantly being guarded by Junho made me feel invincible. No one dared to touch me. And so, as cliche as it was, I fell in love. My mistake.

It was okay at the start. Junho remained as protective of me as he always had been, and I had never been more smitten. It was odd, though. No one dared speak ill of him being gay, but when it came to me, protected by Junho or not, they’d run their mouths like thread in a sewing machine; always jabbing needles at me as they sew their painful words into my skin.

When Junho found out someone was harassing me, he’d confront them. He was never an advocate for violence… or so I thought. The first time I realised I was wrong was two years later, when his foot struck my chest for the first time.

“It’s been years and you still won’t let me touch you. It’s driving me ing insane.”

“I’m just… not ready. Please don’t force me if I’m not ready.”

See, ever since my mother passed away, the only person who had ever even come close to having skin contact with me was Donghae. I avoided hugs from his parents and no one in school was ever close enough for me to be physically comfortable with, so being touched was really… I didn’t like it. Till this day, I struggle with physical contact. Donghae is the only person who hugs and cuddles me, and he only does it if I’m okay with it. Sure, there were times I let other people touch me, but I’m getting there. Bear with me.

“What kind of ty man doesn’t even let his own boyfriend touch him? You want me to go around ing others for pleasure then?”

It stung. It stung because I never had anyone this close to me all my life, so the fear of the one I loved leaving me preceded all other rational judgments that I should’ve paid attention to. Maybe I was too codependent on him, so day by day, he’d strike different parts of me but I’d still beg him to stay. Initially he’d only strike me in places that nobody could see; there were bruises all over my torso, thighs… my back… it’s a miracle I never broke any bones. Or perhaps I did, but was too numb to even realise.

It was when he struck my face for the first time that someone tried to save me from the horror. Donghae.

“Who did this to you?!” he asked me one afternoon after I had come home from school. His family was away on holiday but he had stayed behind because he knew I had school. He didn’t want to leave me behind.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. I have a hard time expressing myself, remember?

“Hyukkie, please tell me who did this to you.”

“It’s nothing, Hae. Just another bully. I’m fine, really.”

That was what I’d say every single time I came home with a fresh bruise on my face or neck; sometimes both.

“Strip. I want to see your body.”

Donghae was so persistent. I tried to keep my together, y’know? I had to act strong. I was tired of making everyone worry. My own mother left me because she was worried she couldn’t give me the life she thought I deserved. No more worrying. No more.

But when Donghae ghosted his fingers over my clothed ribs, I broke down.

“Oh my god, Hyukkie…” Donghae gasped as he stared at my body, wearing nothing but boxers. His hands were roaming all over me, and only then did I realise how bad of a condition my body was in. “Who did this to you… why did you keep this to yourself…”

“Don’t tell anyone. Please.”

I was torn. On one hand, I was relieved. I could finally talk and cry in someone’s arms. I could finally attempt to express myself to someone who might understand, to feel their warmth. On the other hand, Donghae was very overprotective. He wanted to find Junho and beat the living out of him, but I knew Donghae would never stand a chance, so I told him no. In fact, I lied to him, saying that I had broken up with Junho. That was the day Donghae realised I was gay. That aside, however, he stopped checking my body for marks, thinking that I was finally free. How wrong.

I was twenty-two when it happened. Junho had pestered me for two years, but each and every time I would say no to him.

“I’m not ready. Don’t touch me.”

“Alright, if you won’t let me have with you, then easy—I’ll leave you. I can find someone better anyway. It’s not hard.”

And every single time, I would get on my knees, rubbing my hands like an idiot, seeking forgiveness.

“Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. I have no one else.”

“Oh? Glad you know. Should be grateful I even look your way. You still haven’t learned your lesson, though.”

That sentence gives me chills till this day. Whenever that sentence left his mouth, it meant me having different parts of my body battered, mangled, painted black and blue. He’d rip my hair out and leave me bleeding and groaning and crying, and he’d never even turn back as he walked away laughing. I still stuck with him for the next few months, even though I was sure he was fooling around with other men behind my back. I stayed. I don’t know why I did.

Perhaps the life I grew up having never prepared me for the evil in this world. I was always so naive, thinking that people were either horrible (like the ones who shunned me) or extremely kind for giving me a chance (like Donghae and his family, and even Junho). Maybe that’s why I put up with Junho. Maybe.

I was bleeding to death on the floor at a secret corner in my school when the rumours spread. Junho was taken away for alleged . Everyone was talking about it, but I couldn’t believe it. The one person I loved, who I believe loved me too, had someone. Someone who went to our school. A girl, apparently.

Without him to protect me, the arrows began to pierce my flesh again.

“Bet it was because of that Lee Hyukjae boy.”

“This is what happens when you gay ers don’t know how to act. Poor girl.”

“Oh my god, is she okay? Hyukjae should pay for this. He’s equally as guilty as Junho.”

The one that struck me the hardest?

“His mother is dead and his boyfriend is locked up. He has no one. No one loves him. It’s no wonder he grew up like that.”

At the time, I couldn’t even fight back. I was so vulnerable. I believed everything everyone said about me. The final straw came when I found out…

“The girl Junho was my FRIEND. She’s dead because of YOU, Lee Hyukjae.”

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle living anymore. Donghae’s parents withdrew me from university, and for the next two-ish years, I lay cooped up at home. The world, regardless of how much the sun beamed, was dark to me. Around me were Donghae and his family, but inside my head, I was alone. Depression is something I would never wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t live. My ribs started to show, dark circles framed my eyes, I couldn’t seem to get out of bed… I was paranoid. I was paranoid that everyone wanted to kill me for what I’d done. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. I just knew it. If I hadn’t been born, my mother would’ve been alive. I would never have met Junho. He would never have that girl. She would never have committed suicide. These were the things I thought of each time I tried to climb the windowsill, and these were the things Donghae would tell me never to think of as he put me to sleep at night.

“It’s not your fault,” he’d cooed as he combed my hair after dark, smiling at me as I hugged Jerry tight. “None of this was ever your fault.”

Donghae took two gap years just to take care of me. No one forced him to. It was his decision.

He tried his best to never leave me alone. When he really had to, even for the shortest amount of time, he’d hide everything that could harm me. He’d lock the doors and windows and throw the keys somewhere I couldn’t find them. He was careful, very careful, and like he always had been, even till this day, he paid attention to every single detail, making sure never to miss out on a single thing that could bring me pain.

All of this happened before I met Siwon, by the way. By the time I met Siwon, I was back on my feet. Still depressed and anxious, but better. I could at least go out and work… all thanks to Donghae and his family. It probably isn’t the same as embracing a warmth from people related to you by blood, but it was enough.

It was kind of a disaster though. I didn’t know how to cope with the trauma, not even after I had gotten back up onto my feet. I kept thinking that the reason the chain of traumatic events happened was because I selfishly protected myself from being touched by everyone, including Junho. So what did I do to counter the guilt that ate me up inside? I slept around. If I sleep around, if I let others touch me the way I never let Junho, things would be okay, right? No one would hurt or another. No one would die. Maybe it was a terrible mindset, but at the time I was clouded with misery. I couldn’t think straight. Till this day, I sometimes find myself falling back to square one. I’d find myself thinking of exactly what I did then and wondering if it could help me move past things. , , . That’s all anyone ever wanted from me, no? No one wanted or needed a friendship from me. They just wanted to touch me, me and go. All those men I slept with were exactly like that. Maybe all the men in the world are like that. I don’t know. Donghae isn’t like that though. Neither is Siwon… I think.

So now that Junho is back, I’m desperate to show him that he can no longer hurt me. I’m stronger now. Really, I am. I need to face him for my own sanity. For me. How long should I spend in the shadows being afraid of him? I’m tired of it. At least this time, I have Donghae and Jungsoo on my side. Maybe even Siwon, although I think I hurt him really badly by leading him on. They’ll protect me, won’t they? I know they will. For now, however, I need to do things on my own. I can’t keep relying on others, and especially not Donghae. He’d kill me if he finds out I’m going to Jungsoo’s housewarming regardless of what he said, so I’ll have to do it in secret. I need to break free.

People always misunderstand me.

For once, try to understand.

I’m here, was what Siwon had texted Hyukjae at around seven in the evening. Hyukjae tapped his fingers on the bed rail nervously, chewing on his lip. Where was Yubin? She said she’d be here half an hour ago. He stared at the phone on his lap, anxious.

“Are you okay?” Donghae asked, groggy. His mind was beginning to drift from the drowsy medication he’d just had, but he forced himself to keep his eyes wide open, staring at the blond as he shifted about uncomfortably.

“I’m fine,” Hyukjae quickly replied, smiling stiffly. “Just… wondering where Yubin is. She wanted to drop by and pass me something. Said she’d be here at around six-ish, but it’s seven now.”

“Oh,” Donghae mumbled, eyes rolling back as Hyukjae ran his fingers through his hair, lulling him to sleep. “Maybe… maybe…”

Hyukjae smiled, kissing the man on his cheek. “She’ll be here soon. Go to sleep, Hae. I know you’re tired.” Sleep now. He watched as Donghae his lips, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoyed the sensation of his best friend massaging his scalp. The claw marks on Donghae’s skin from the day he went berserk in the bathroom of a restaurant didn’t hurt anymore, thank god. Hyukjae kissed Donghae’s cheeks several times, pressing his nose against him to breathe in his scent before giving him one last lingering kiss. He pulled away as soon as Donghae lost consciousness, looking at his phone. Give me a moment, alright? I need to wait for Yubin to come and take over, he texted, sighing. He stood up and brought a bag into the bathroom with him, changing into a new set of clothes—an olive green dress shirt with tight black jeans ripped at the knees. Deadly combination paired with his slender body and blond hair, no? He had to look his best; good first impressions are important, they said. He was meeting people he hadn’t seen in years afterall, some of which spent their high school years driving his self-esteem into the ground. He’d forgiven them. He’d long forgiven them.

As he stepped back, checking himself in the bathroom mirror, he heard the door of Donghae’s room creak open, followed by the clacking of heels against the floor. Smoothing his hair, Hyukjae stepped out of the bathroom, smiling.

“You’re here,” he said softly, pressing a finger to his lips to emphasise that Donghae was asleep. Yubin grinned as she, and her ever so affable self held her arms out. Hyukjae walked right into them, hugging her briefly.

“You look good,” Yubin remarked, eyeing Hyukjae top to bottom. “All set and ready to go to your friend’s place? Housewarming, right?”

“Yeah, but—” Hyukjae turned, stealing a glance at his best friend, “if Donghae asks, just say I’ve gone home to get something, alright? I don’t want him worrying. I’ll be back around nine or ten anyway.”

Yubin placed her handbag on the armchair next to the bed, nodding. “Sure, Hyukjae. Just… keep your phone close to you, alright? I’ll text or call you if anything.”

Hyukjae nodded quickly and within a matter of seconds, he was out the door. He hurried down the hallway, anxious to make it towards Siwon’s car as soon as possible. He didn’t want to be late. It wasn’t like Jungsoo had any fixed timing. There was no start or end to his housewarming; it was more of an own-time-own-target type thing, but Hyukjae wanted to be there as early as he could so he could get back to the hospital as early as possible before Donghae suspected anything. He slowed down halfway through his journey, swallowing as he passed the ward where he had bumped into Jungsoo and him. He shook his head, carrying on with his journey towards the pick-up point.

“Wow, it’s just a housewarming, Lee Hyukjae.” Siwon commented as the blond climbed into his car, grinning. “Not a runway show or something.”

“Shut it,” Hyukjae snapped, pulling the door shut. He placed his bag of clothes in the backseat and buckled his seat belt, sighing as he placed his hands on his lap. “Siwon.”

Siwon wiggled his fingers on the steering wheel, staring ahead. “Yep?”

“I’m sorry, y’know, about yesterday.” Hyukjae uttered lowly. “I’m a ing , I know. You don’t have to say it. I don’t know what Yubin told you, but… I’m just really, really sorry.”

Siwon laughed, reaching around to ruffle the blond’s hair. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not upset or anything, Hyukjae. I was just… really shocked. The kiss, I mean. I panicked. Didn’t know what to do, so I played along.”

“About Donghae…”

“I’m not surprised. I was wondering when you’d realise.”

Hyukjae frowned. “Realise what?”

“That you love Donghae,” Siwon finished, driving them out of the hospital. “Everyone knew it but the two of you. I don’t know why it took you so long.”

The blond was… confused, to say the least. Didn’t the man next to him just admit that he wanted to court him only days ago? That he had feelings for a while now? Even Hyukjae thought he had feelings for Siwon. Everything was so confusing. Nothing really made sense. Did they have to make sense?

“You knew, and yet… why? Why did you even try?”

“Because you, I don’t know, there’s just something about you that made me want to… this is so embarrassing to admit but… I just really want to take care of you. Sounds stupid, I know.”

“No,” Hyukjae said softly, staring at his lap. “It’s not stupid.” Donghae said something like that too. Why does everyone say that about me? Am I that weak? “So you weren’t angry at me when Yubin told you to go home?”

Siwon shook his head as the car slowed at a red light. He turned to Hyukjae.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little upset. We were making out on the hood of my car, for ’s sake. It was intense, but anyway… I respect you. Both of you. You and Donghae. I hate the kid still, kinda, but no, I won’t come in between the two of you. So as upset as I was, I just… I’d rather be a little upset than to lose you as a friend completely. That’s all you need to know.”

Hyukjae pursed his lips, reaching over to squeeze Siwon’s hand. “I don’t deserve any of you. I really don’t.”

“Don’t be stupid, Hyukjae. We love you. You deserve all the love.”

“But—”

“Nuh uh uh, don’t argue with me. I’ll tell Donghae if you do and I’m sure you wouldn’t want the brat nagging at you about this.” Siwon warned playfully, driving them towards the rest of their destination in silence. Hyukjae couldn’t even bring himself to say anything much, so he didn’t. Instead, he stared out the window, watching as everything glided by him like a movie reel. The world was turning, and so w