15 years ago:

Before the released news articles regarding Wheein's album postponement

Wheein's POV

“W-what? My album's release would be postponed?”

“Yes, we’d have to push it back till next year as long as the issue has already died down. We have to really be careful or else all the money poured out on this album would be put into waste.”

“Next year? D-did you just say next year? Isn’t that a bit... too much? This album was supposed to be released a year ago and was just delayed because you insisted that it wasn't the right time yet an—”

“And I still stand by what I said. You think my judgment's wrong?”

“No. That’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s just that—”

“The decision is final. If the issue has died down and the public’s rage have dissipated your album will be released, then. For now, you’d stick on MAMAMOO’s activities.”

"If??? My album would only be released if the issue has died down? But what if it won't be next year? Does that mean--"

"That's exactly what I'm trying to say" he said smugly, turning his focus back on the files he has on his table. From the moment I've been called up into his office I knew it wouldn't be good. I knew and yet I still hoped that it wouldn't be this bad; that it wouldn't be like this.

Appalled by what I just heard, I took a deep breath, I straightened my back and did something that I’ve never done before in all the years I’ve been an artist.

“No.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I said no.” I said sternly, keeping my face void of any emotions. “I want this album to be released just as what we agreed upon. Everything’s achieved within its timetable and I won’t put everyone’s efforts into waste just because you said so.”

Scoffing, he removed his eyeglasses and looked at me as if I'm stupid. “You really don’t understand, do you? We're not delaying your release just because 'I said so'." he retorted mockingly. "The public is outraged with your dating scandal, Wheein. BTS have been facing boycott ever since and they’re already huge and popular. What do you think would happen if you release this album now? Do you think you could do better than a boygroup who’s got a huge fanbase worldwide? Do you?”

“With or without a scandal, this album was supposed to be released before, remember? You've already made excuses then and you can’t use this as an excuse now”

“You think this is all about just that? An excuse?”

“If not, then what?”

“We’re gonna lose money if we push through with releasing your album. The support of your remaining loyal fans isn’t enough for us to get back what we’ve invested on it. It’s more of a risk-benefit really, Wheein. There’s too much risk if we release it now and little to no benefit at all, do you understand? And I’m not willing to take chances just for you, just because you're throwing some senseless tantrums on me now. No. This company isn’t doing any better and I can’t afford to drag it down further. You have to understand that. As much as I admire your passion for what you do, Wheein, I’m afraid this is still business. We have to consider the return of the company’s investment on your album and not just be swayed by feelings or useless sentiments. This is business, child. It’s not like our company’s huge enough to not be affected with major losses. You have to keep that in mind.” he said, frowning at me. "And please, stop whining at me. I'm already having a hard time because of the scandal so I'm begging you Wheein, stop acting like a baby. Act your age and just do what you’re told"

I had so much to say. Words that are jumbled up in my mind are dying to get out of my mouth. Too much, I know this is too much. I have to say something—anything—because this isn’t right. I deserve more than such a treatment. I deserve a whole lot than such filthy words. I’ve been working my off for years now, I’ve been a milking cow alongside my members, I’ve endured so much—earned so much for this company—only to be treated like someone pathetic? All those years for them to just trample on me and everything I’ve worked hard for? Is this really what’s worth it all?

I had so much to say. Too many thoughts that ought to be heard. So much to say, but I kept my silence. Balling my fist, I held my head high and walked away. I had to get out of this office before I could do or say something that could worsen the situation. My hand has just reached the door when he stopped me on my tracks.

“You can end this all, you know.”

Dumbstruck, I turned, not believing what I just heard. “What?”

“You know a way out of this one. You can end this.” he replied without even looking at me.

“We’ve already talked about this and I’m gonna say the same thing again. I won't do it” I said sternly, gritting my teeth. My balled fist shakes as I attempt to hold in my anger. He’s still someone who has authority over me, and I don’t want to cross the line. As much as I can hold it in, I don't want to stoop that low. "My personal life has nothing to do with my career"

“I’m afraid I have to disagree dear, given how we’re even having this conversation right now.”

I can’t help the scoff that escaped my mouth at what I just heard. So, this is it, then. Just as what I thought. He’s so closed off with the fact that everything is my fault and that he has no business whatsoever to back me up through all of these; that I should be the one to act and fix this. I’m right. I'm not being abandoned; I was ditched right from the start. I had to face this alone with no support from this company whatsoever.

In disbelief, I can’t help but chuckle as I lower my head, placing a hand on my forehead, stifling a laugh. This whole thing is absurd it's making me laugh.

“You think this is something to be laughed at?” he finally looked up at me, an indignant expression on his face. “You think this is funny?”

Smirking, I raised my head and looked at him squarely. “Yeah, I know. You’re right, it’s not." I paused and kept my face void of any emotions. I'm done playing around. “But you are.”

“What?”

"I just find it absurd that you're so keen at putting all the blame on me when in the first place we won’t be having this conversation, if right off the bat you've been doing your job well" I raised an eyebrow at him and told him what I've been meaning to say all these time. "You knew about my relationship and I never hid anything from anyone. You know all about it and you said that you'd take care of it, so we won't be put in this situation. Well, guess what? We're so in it right now. You had the power to stop this news from going out and you just brushed it off and allowed this to happen. You just let things get out of hand until none of us can control it anymore. You knew what was about to happen and you did nothing.”

“What the hell do you think yo—”

“If you’re not just sitting idly by at the very beginning of all these; if you’ve taken all necessary measures you should have taken to protect me, to stand for me, to prevent everything from getting out of hand, to put everything in your control—“ I said, my voice rising as I unknowingly lost control. Collecting myself, I lowered my voice and sternly I continued, “—there wouldn’t be a need for us to have this conversation. So please, stop blaming me. It’s getting exhausting now, you know?” my voice broke at the end and I couldn't care less if he heard it or not.

I left right away. I felt my eyes burning and I don’t want to break down in front of him. I’ve been doing good these past few months, I was able to keep it all together and I won’t break now. Now’s not the time to be weak. I need to be strong. To face it all head-on is the only way I could survive all these.

“Are you alright? What happened? What did he say? How are you feeling?” my manager, who’d been waiting for me, asked as she opened the car for me. Smiling at her, I put on a brave front and replied, “I’m fine.”

“What did he say?”

“Just as what I expected him to say.” I said and got in.

For the whole ride back in my place I didn’t say anything. Even with the constant worried sideway glances my manager has kept on throwing at me, I pretended not to notice and just stared out of the window.

It’s getting heavier. I can feel it in my chest. It was already heavy but now it feels like it’s become much heavier than how it was before. I constantly find myself struggling to breathe. It always feels like I’m out of air, I always gasp for it. My chest feels so tight and I know it would only worsen with time passing by.

Closing my eyes, I let the exhaustion wash over me so I could sleep even for a short while. I’m physically exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained. I kept on having sleepless nights and I want to take a rest. It was peaceful. For a short while, it was. But then I started to see hurtful words. I don't just hear it, I'm seeing it. There's too much of it. It's calling me names, throwing me degrading words, hurling at me insults and plain harsh words; it kept on ringing in my mind.

I fought it. Keeping my eyes shut tight, I tried to ignore it. I tried to brush it off, to make it go away. But it kept on increasing and increasing in number. The words are getting bigger, it’s getting more painful. The ones I hear kept on increasing and increasing in volume. Whispers now turned into shouts. It's screaming right at my face. It's getting more and more excruciating.

Then I lost. I flinched and then I woke up. Gasping for air, I grabbed the nearest thing I could as I felt like I’m falling over.

“You okay?” my manager asked as she held onto my arm.

Panting, I nodded my head and calmed myself. Looking around, I realized we’re already at my place. I rested my head against the window and lightly massaged my temple. I can’t even take a nap so there’s no way I would be able to sleep tonight.

“If you need anything, you just have to tell me. You want me to call Hyejin so she could stay at your place?”

“No. She’s busy with her schedule, I’m sure she’s tired. I’ll ask her myself the next time she’s free.” I whispered; my eyes still shut. I feel like I don’t wanna come down. I’ll be alone at my place and I don’t think I could last the night.

“Is something wrong? Do you want me to call a doctor? Or should I bring you to the hospital in—”

“Is this really my fault?”

“What?” I didn’t answer. I just kept my eyes closed and my mouth shut. It wasn’t my intention to bring such a conversation up, but it just came out of nowhere.

“Whatever he said, don’t listen to him. None of these is your or fault, nor is it Taehyung's. You both are just normal people just like everyone else and you have every right to love and date whoever you want. What you should put in mind is that you don’t deserve any of these—none of what’s happening to you now, you understand me?” Hearing the seriousness in her voice, I turned my head and looked at her. “Don’t you ever take into heart anything anyone says, you hear me? You can just look at me, to your members, to your friends. To him. Focus your sight to those that love you. Just us”

What she said wasn’t so hard to understand. It wasn’t so hard to do. Right? But why am I still like this? Sprawled across the bed—surrounded with nothing but darkness—I find myself still reaching for my phone. I know it’s stupid, but maybe—I’m blindly hoping that maybe—just a wishful thinking that the harsh comments are gone and all that I’d see now are positive ones, congratulating us, encouraging us. Perhaps?

There'd been a new article. I lost count already of how many articles are being published in a day. Five? Ten? I have no idea. Reading all through the comments, I knew I should stop. I shouldn’t go on. But the curiosity surging within me cannot be quenched easily. Scrolling, I kept on scrolling. I can’t stop. Reading a millionth comment degrading me, my phone beeped.

Don't think that your little outburst would change my decision. Nothing's changing and your album won't be released not unless I say so. Now, go on live and relay the news of postponement to your fans. I'd take it as your apology for the lack of manners and unacceptable behavior you've displayed in my office. You should at least take responsibility for your rash actions, don’t you think?

That felt like I was punched in the gut. It knocked the air right off me that I couldn’t do anything but scoff in disbelief. I read it a few times more, still in denial that someone who were supposed to back me up could tell such insensitive and outright cruel words at me. Nothing. Nothing changes even if I go through the same words again and again. It was then that I felt my chest tighten even more. My heart’s being squeezed out, my eyes started to water.

But no, I didn’t cry. Even when I went live and talked to my fans, I didn’t. I maintained the pretense that I have it all together. I smiled at their comments and conversed just how I usually did. As if nothing’s wrong with me, as if I'm not on the verge of breaking down, I smiled. For my fans who I know still has my back, I showed them how strong I can be. Seeing words of encouragement, love, and support did bring a whole lot of comfort and ease to the burden I’m carrying right now.

Until it's time to reveal the real purpose of my live video.

“You see, I’ve got something to tell you and I think it’s just right for you to know that I really am sorry for what I’m about to say. I know that you... understand how tough the situation is for us, and there are things that... that we have to—” sighing, I zoned out of my thoughts and stared at the moving comments in my screen. I can't get it out of my mouth. I still haven't made peace with it and having to talk about it is plain torture.

But then I must and so slowly, I continued.

“We all have been waiting for the... release of my album, right? It’s something that I’ve worked hard for... for all of you... It’s the first time that I’d be releasing all of my self-written and self-composed songs and it’s... it’s actually a gift for all of you... and it’s just sad to say that—I’m sorry to announce that the release of the album would be postponed... again. I won’t be able to give you any details as of yet but yeah, that’s pretty much what I could tell you.” I tried to let out a smile after saying that, but I guess that’s just how far my courage could take me for as soon as hate comments started to flood in, I had to end the live video.

I sat still for I don't know how long. It's done. It now became real. I shook my head in an attempt to collect and calm myself. I blinked the tears away and turned my phone off. “I need a drink” I muttered to myself and I stood up and went to the kitchen.

Without me realizing it, I started to feel so mad. There’s this anger surging within me and I started rummaging in my fridge forcefully and recklessly. “Bull. What a bunch of bull” I grumbled, tears pooling in my eyes. I placed a container of kimchi on the counter and a few bottles of soju each with a loud thud. “This is unfair. I can’t believe this, it’s all unfair”

Slamming the fridge close, I bit my lip and harshly wiped the tears away. Balling my hands into a fist, I whispered to myself “You’re strong, you can get through this, you’re better than this, you—”

I was cut off when I felt strong arms hugging me from behind. I don’t even need to turn to see who it is, as the sense of warmth and familiarity washing over me is more than enough to know.

“You can cry all the hell you want.” He whispered in my ear.

Breathing out, I turned and hugged him. Holding him tight and burying my face on his chest, I allowed the walls I’ve built around myself for the past months to crumble down. I ripped off the mask I’ve put on for the whole day and cried to my heart’s content in the arms of the one who understands me the most.

The one who gives me strength to get through all these.

The one reason I’m willing to fight an unfair and losing battle.

“Taehyung” I whispered against his chest, tightening the hug.

“I’m right here, Wheein. Just right here.” He said and that’s all it took for me to let go of the last bit of pretense I’ve been putting on for everyone not to see how broken and vulnerable our situation is making me, and how hurt I really am. Cause honestly, if it weren’t for him, I would’ve given up already.

+ + + + +

Back in the Present Time

Taehyung's POV

Just like how it was 15 years ago, I find myself in this exact same place. Once again, I’m watching her back, seeing her be engulfed in sadness, struggling of keeping herself together.

She's here.

Just like how she'd been whenever she wants to remember, she's here and I knew I'd find her here.

Here, in the heart of this very house—the sole reason we've chosen to buy this place—her studio have always been her hiding place. In here she finds peace and solitude. It's here she can freely express all her emotions and thoughts. All the things she can't verbally express to anyone flows out through her brush and into a blank canvass. She may be a lot more reserved when it comes to really opening up about what she feels but it never stopped her from being so expressive when it comes to her art. Her paintings are her words.

Right now, I'm about to hear them all out.

Silently closing the door behind me, I stayed where I am, just watching her back. Seeing her like this aches my heart. Finally, in all the years I’ve been asking myself, I now know of the reason behind the sadness she's tried to bury in her heart. It always had been there; it never went away. She misses performing. All this time, it’s what her heart’s telling her to do. All these years, she’s buried her longing and sadness in letting go of the one thing she’s passionate about. We didn't talk about it cause even in the 5 years passed since she quit, it felt like she isn’t ready to open up just yet. I remember, the last time we discussed the matter was right when she told me about her decision of quitting. For months we spent talking about her reasons and me trying to talk her out of it.

Then when she finally did, we just sort of stopped talking about it. It’s like we had this unspoken agreement to never bring it up. For years, I felt like I keep on walking on thin ice around her whenever I felt the need to speak about it, to ask her how she really feels, and if it’s really what she wanted. Never did it cross my mind that our daughter could do the one thing I’m most afraid of doing. Our little angel dared to bare her emotions out and was able to unlock that closed off part in her heart. All this time, she knew that her mother used to perform on stage and was able to question how and why her mother's not doing it anymore.

Thinking about the reason for her to quit brought me back to earlier this day, when Jimin called me up to talk.

---

"You know, you're making me nervous" I said as I sit across from him. He called me up in his place and he looked so dang serious when I came in, that it made me want to turn back and leave. “Should I be scared?” I asked.

“What? No. No, of course not.”

“Then why do you look like you’ll be executed in a few minutes?”

Sighing, he brushed his hair up, being all nervous and uncomfortable. He looked like he’s debating with himself, contemplating whether this would be a good idea or not. I remained still and waited for his answer. “It’s just that... you’re not meant to know about it at all. I mean, I just found out because I accidentally overheard Wheein talking with her members and...” defeated, he looked straight at me and his eyes was all worried and nervous that I know it mirrors mine.

“And what?” I asked.

“She made me promise never to tell you.”

“We’re talking about her quitting 5 years ago, right?” I asked and he nodded his head. “That doesn’t make any sense because I know her reason. We talked about her decision and we worked it out together, and—” Confused, I stood up and placed a hand on my hip, allowing my thoughts to trail back in memory. “She quit 2 years after we got married because she was pregnant. She told me that she wanted to quit so she would have a safe pregnancy. She said that it’d be too hard for her to perform while being pregnant, that she doesn’t want to have such a busy and stressful schedule, and quitting is the only way she sees to get out of it. I tried to talk her out of that decision because I know just how she loves performing but she insisted”

Looking at him in disbelief, I asked “You mean to tell me, there’s more to it that she isn’t telling me? For 5 years now?”

“Yes” he replied with a sigh.

“And this is really about her quitting?”

“Yes”

“But why—why won’t she tell me the truth? Why can’t she let me know?” I asked, somewhat hurt with the fact that maybe she’s carrying some kind of a burden alone in all these years and I never knew about it.

“She has her reasons, Taehyung. It’s not easy for her to not talk to you about it but she did so anyway because she cares for you so much. She loves you that much”

Placing a hand on my forehead in frustration, I shut my eyes tight. “If she thought I couldn’t take it then it must’ve been something that hurt her way too much” I waited for an answer that never came. Looking back at him, I saw guilt in his eyes, and I didn’t like it.

“Please Jimin, just tell me. 5 years of being clueless is enough, don’t you think?”

Sighing, he composed himself and replied, “You told me that her reason for quitting was because of her pregnancy, right?” I nodded at him. “You see, Mamamoo’s supposed comeback before Wheein’s sudden decision of leaving the group, was scheduled to be released in autumn. They were supposed to have an autumn comeback that time. You remember Hyejin’s third solo album? That was the very album that Mamamoo was meant to release for that comeback. You know the songs in that album, right? The songs are R&B if not ballad, remember?”

“What are you getting at, Jimin?” I asked with my eyebrows furrowed, not getting any of what he says.

“Mamamoo was meant to have their very first 6-months hiatus after the promotions for that album and the only activities they have in their schedule was music shows, radio shows, and a few interviews. Other show guestings, festivals, domestic or international concerts, they have none of those. They practically have a very lax schedule for that comeback. You see, Mamamoo’s all-in-all activities at tha