A proud smile slowly etched in her face as she pinned the last painting of her student for today’s art class on their huge bulletin board. Wheein took a step back and felt the pride surging within her as she take in the vibrant colors of each of the children’s artworks. Today was an ordinary day but it was fun. Her students enjoyed painting the profession they wanted to take when they grow up and they all had a great time, even a good laugh. There were chefs, firefighters, a few soldiers, and a bus driver. Those that are cheeky enough painted themselves as a superhero. She let out a soft laugh at that. These kids are really fun to be with. 

Releasing a contented sigh, she shook her head in amusement and was about to continue cleaning up the studio when her eyes darted at that huge canvas covered in white cloth she placed at the very corner. Her smile vanished when she was suddenly brought back to two nights ago when Taehyung said he found out the truth she had hidden for years. She suddenly felt her chest tighten, remembering how hard Taehyung cried and the number of times he apologized to her. She honestly felt sick right to her very core when he started begging for forgiveness as if he’s the one who did her wrong. 

She never saw it coming. All those years, she thought she’s keeping it all to protect him and not once ever did it cross her mind that she’d end up hurting him. She kept the truth hidden from him thinking that it’s for the best, only to find out how wrong her decision was, how wrong she was. 

Taehyung thinks she doesn’t trust him. He felt helpless and useless and miserable all at the same time. He thinks she doesn’t see him, that she can’t rely to him, like he’d been shut out. 

Hearing everything from Taehyung that night just opened her eyes to how wrong she really was. All along, she’d been hurting him. 

Shaking her head, she sighed and set the chairs back in their place to finish cleaning up. She walked to her cleaning kit she placed at the bottom of the cabinet and grabbed a cloth. As she was wiping a small rounded table, the cute little ones her students use, she was stopped when she heard a familiar tune being hummed coming from the outside of her studio. She was frozen right on the spot, her eyes widening, when she realized it’s her daughter that’s humming the song that’s very much impossible for her to know. 

Her heart began to pound on her chest. She gulped and straightened her back. With her brows furrowed, she removed her apron and hanged it on the rack and followed the humming, her steps slow and heavy. She was nervous. Her palms are sweaty and she unconsciously ran it down her pants as she walks her way.

In no time, she arrived in front of her daughter’s room. The door was slightly opened and she leaned in a bit, careful not to make a sound. She didn’t want her presence to be known and she didn’t really know why. She leaned in and listened. It was Mamamoo’s Um Oh Ah Yeah, the song they released way back in 2015. Her daughter’s humming her song. 

The realization made her clamp a hand over and she felt like she’s cut out of oxygen. Her daughter didn’t know she was a singer. It’s something that they never talked about at home. How come she knew that song? How come she’s humming it now? Her brows creased in confusion as her nerves continue to drown her in. 

With her mind made up, Wheein slowly peeked in and see her daughter sitting on the floor just beside her bed. She’s scribbling on her drawing pad, her back’s facing Wheein, nodding her head at the beat of the song she’s humming. There were some words she was able to sing but mostly she’s just humming. There were a lot paper scattered all around her, though Wheein couldn’t see what those are, she guessed all those are drawings. Her daughter got that from her. 

She enjoys drawing and painting as much as Wheein does. When she’s not watching cartoons, she’s either playing her toy instruments or painting. It’s always one or the other. 

Wheein slowly entered the room, her steps slow and light as a feather, a huge contrast to the wild pounding of her heart against her chest. She felt dry and her lips. As she was closing by, her beath hitched when she looked down and her eyes finally caught what the scattered papers are. Suddenly, she was knocked out of her senses. She felt breathless. She stood frozen, her feet glued to where she is. 

It was a child’s drawing and sure it’s messy but she recognized what those are right away. She recognized who the people are in those drawings. 

It’s her group, Mamamoo. 

One drawing for each era. Her eyes shifting from one drawing to another, she recognized it all. There’s one from their Gogobebe come back, Starry Night, You’re The Best, Windflower, Decalcomanie and even one from their Egotistic era. She knew everything because the outfits and their hairstyles were almost distinctive and slightly accurate. The color pallettes for each comeback was recognizable. The theme, the concept, it may be messy since it’s a child’s drawing but she could make it all out. 

Her eyes started to feel warm. These drawings are something that can only be drawn by someone who were all too familiar with the performances. Her daughter could only draw all these if she had seen those stages. If she’d seen her perform. Her eyes shifted to her daughter’s back. Suddenly, Wheein was pulled back on that same night when she asked her a question that triggered all her emotions to be poured out. 

Then why aren’t you doing it anymore mommy? 

She inhaled sharply at the memory. That night with Taehyung made her so overwhelmed that she’d totally forgotten about her daughter’s question. She’d been heavily preoccupied and was too fixated with her past and what went down with Taehyung at the studio and it was all that filled her mind. Only now was she able to remember. Taehyung hurriedly change the subject that night and led their daughter to sleep. After kissing her goodnight, she left them and went straight to her studio where Taehyung followed and the rest is history.

She didn’t remember it until now and it felt as if she’d been splashed with a bucket of icy water. 

That question and these drawings only mean one thing: her daughter knows. 

Slowly, she kneeled down and picked up one of the drawings and looked at it with yearning, sadness, and awe mixed in her eyes. She felt nostalgic all of a sudden. Right after she quit, she never have gone to that room where they stored all her past albums, posters and other merchandise. They kept it all with them in their home, for Taehyung insisted, but she never looked at it. She never even stepped foot on that room where they stored it all. 

Not once did she ever watch any of their stages nor did she listen to any of their songs again. Not even her own. Doing so would only crush her. It’d only bring out the feelings she’s worked so hard to bury. The pain that comes along with memories, the longing; everything. That’s how painful it had been for her that she buried almost everything that reminds her of being in Mamamoo. 

The only thing remaining was her relationship with her members. They’re her family. Mamamoo or not, they’re for her to keep in her heart and mind forever. 

“Sweetie..” Wheein called softly, her eyes fixated on the drawing before turning to look at her daughter. She was about to smile when the child turned around and was completely horrified to see her there. The look on the child’s face immensely shocked and confused Wheein. 

“Mommy!” the child yelled, gathering all her drawings in her small arms, even the one Wheein’s holding in her hands, appearing to be hiding them from her sight. The sight had struck Wheein as she realized her daughter didn’t want her to see her drawings of her in Mamamoo. Her brows creased in confusion. 

It made her feel sick. 

“Honey, I...” she slowly crossed her legs and sat, squarely facing her child, who’s busy keeping all her drawings in a box she drew from under her bed. “Baby...” she called, her eyes following her daughter’s every move. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” 

The little girl pouted, her head bent down, refusing to look her in the eye. She turned her back against Wheein, hugging the box in her arms, holding it tight and away from her. Wheein sighed and softly held the child’s arms and turned her around. The child refused to look at her, head still hanging low. Biting her lip, Wheein’s heart was crushed at how guilty her child looks, as if she’d done something wrong and is about to be punished. It confused her and made her heart torn into pieces. What made her daughter act like this? Softly, Wheein tugged on her little arms, softly pulled her closer, and sat the child on her lap. 

“Why are you hiding these from mommy? Hmm?” she asked, her voice soft, as she reaches her hand out to grab hold of the box, placing it down to her side.

“Because you don’t want me to know” the child replied, almost a whisper, her voice filled with sadness, still not looking up.

Wheein got her answer. Mamamoo is something that she didn’t talk about with her child and it made her think it’s something she’s not supposed to find out, like some sort of a secret she’s not meant to uncover. That is why her daughter acted like she’d been caught red-handed while doing something bad.

She was lost for words. She didn’t know how to respond. What can she say to that? She don’t know. “No baby... it’s not like that. It’s just...” she sighed as she scrambled her mind hard to figure out the right things to say. How can you explain something so complicated to a pure and innocent kid? Wheein took so long in finishing her sentence that her daughter felt the need to end it for her. 

“It’s just something that makes you cry?” the little girl asked, still not meeting Wheein’s eyes. Caught off guard, her jaw dropped for a bit. Her breath hitched at that and she blinked fast, clearing . 

“No, baby... Not cry, just...” 

“Sad?” 

Biting her lip, she just nodded her head slowly. Feeling her eyes warming up again, she lifted her head and eased out a long breath, trying to release some tension that’s building inside her. She’s nearing her breaking point. She needed to calm down. Looking down at the still sad child on her lap, she opened the box and said, “These are beautiful” 

“Really?” the child replied with a pout, still bowing her head down. 

“Yeah, I mean look at these” she pulled the drawings out of the box one by one, as she complimented every detail of each drawings, in an effort to cheer the little girl up. She exclaimed and reacted enthusiastically, listed down the good points in her drawings, showering her with praises and words of affirmation. Her attempts came into fruition as her daughter finally lifted her head up, beaming at her. Her mood suddenly changed and now she’s happily talking about all her drawings. 

“That’s my favorite” the child said with a smile, pointing to her drawing of Mamamoo in their Um Oh Ah Yeah era. “You looked so happy in that. You also look younger mommy, but you still look the same right now that’s why I was shocked when my classmate told me that it’s many, many years ago. Aunt Yongsun is also pretty her hair’s long and Aunt Byul has long hair too but it’s a light color unlike her dark hair now. Look at this mommy, Aunt Hyejin has short hair in this and it looks pretty on her but I still like her more with long black hair. You looked the most beautiful though mommy” the child giggled and peeked at her reaction. 

“Your outfits are pretty too, though I loved the pink one the most, everything you wore looked so good, and your hair was brown, sometimes curled while sometimes not. You really, really, really looked so, so beautiful mommy. You also smiled a lot in this and you were so cheerful and so happy, that’s why it’s my favorite.” 

Wheein subtly inhaled sharply and forced a smile as nostalgia became too overwhelming for her. Since she quit, the only thing she allowed herself to reminisce is that one last concert they had. Nothing beyond that. In five years, this is the first time she reminisced her times as a Mamamoo member; the stages they had, the songs they released, their comebacks, everything. This is the only time she had allowed herself to look that far back. This is what she’s been avoiding for years. To look back, remember, and... regret. 

Yes. She finally admitted it now to herself. 

The reason she refused to talk about the time she was an artist, the reason she suppressed herself a lot of times in entering that one room that contains everything that could make her remember her time in Mamamoo, and the reason she didn’t bring it up to her daughter before is that she doesn’t want to feel it. She didn’t want to feel regretful of her decision. She didn’t want to because it’d seem like she’s regretting choosing her daughter over her career. 

But no. Her daughter is the greatest thing that has ever happened in her life. That’s why for years, she avoided everything that’s gonna make her feel the regrets and the longing. She boxed herself in and totally removed herself from the past. 

But now, looking at all of her daughter’s drawings, all these eras they had as Mamamoo, made her see everything in a new light. It opened her eyes to a totally different perspective. It made her look at things differently. Yes, she may regret leaving the group but it doesn’t mean she regrets prioritizing her daughter. She can be regretful without feeling any guilt. Only now did she realize it’s acceptable to feel that way. 

“You miss it, don’t you?” her daughter asked in a low voice. When she turned her head sideways, she saw the child staring at her with sadness and worry in her eyes. She didn’t notice how long she’d been staring at her daughter’s drawing not until she spoke up, tearing her attention away from the drawing. 

The little girl reached out a hand and placed it on Wheein’s cheek, wiping a tear away. Wheein was taken aback at that. Her mind had trailed so deep in thoughts and memories that she’s not even aware of the tear that escaped her eye. Thinning her lips, she leaned her head against her daughter’s palm and let out a small smile. 

“Yes baby, I do...” she breathed, admitting it loud once and for all. “I miss it so, so much” Another tear fell and her daughter reached her other hand to wipe it away. Now, she’s holding Wheein’s face in between her small palms. 

“Does it hurt mommy?” 

No, it doesn’t. She was about to say that as she was so used at denying how she truly is. She could do it again now, lie and pretend, but she couldn’t find it in her to say it. It’s not her truth and she’s exhausted trying to keep all the pretensions. Shutting her eyes, she exhaled, her breath shaky “Yes baby... so much” 

“It hurts when you miss it?” the pure curiosity and evident worry in her tone only made Wheein want to confide in her daughter more. Her eyes are piercing through Wheein’s, as if she could see right through her, forcing her to pull out her buried emotions. To strip off her facade. With those eyes, she could never deny what her truth is. Forcing out a smile, Wheein eventually just nodded her head, tears now falling freely down her cheek. It seemed she lost control over it and there’s no stopping it now. 

“Daddy says it’s okay to cry every time I got hurt whenever I’m playing. I always trip and fall when I run  because my legs are not that strong yet. When I’m hurt and I cry because of it, Daddy always tells me that it’s okay for me to cry” her daughter let out a small smile and Wheein’s heart melted at the sight of her dimple.

“So mommy, if you’re crying because you’re hurt, it’s okay. You just have to cry and let it out, okay? You don’t have to worry about your tears because I’m here and I’m just gonna wipe it out for you” a soft laugh escaped Wheein’s lips, a few tears spilling at the same time. True to her words, her daughter wiped it away with her each thumb. “Just like that, see? You and daddy always do that when I cry, I could do it for you too. So just cry mommy if you’re hurt alright, there’s nothing wrong with that. Even old people get hurt too, you know. And you’re not even that old like grandma and grandpa so it’s okay for you to cry” 

Wheein sniffed and chuckled. Her seemingly unending well of tears still grazing down her face have all been wiped away by her daughter. Wheein lifted her hand and placed it on top of her daughter’s, her big hand hovering over her small one, caressing it. To her surprise, the child pulled her head down  and placed a soft kiss on her forehead with a loud pop. 

“There” the child said with a smile. “Are you okay now, mommy?” 

Her heart swelled with pure joy when the gesture reminded her of how Taehyung always kisses her on the forehead for comfort. It’s amazing to witness the similarities her daughter has with Taehyung and she’s sure he feels the same way when their child reminds him of her too. 

“Hmm, not yet” she replied, pouting her lips. “Can I get a kiss right here too?” she pointed to her right cheek and the child happily obliged. Without another word, she placed another kiss on her left cheek and nose too, which made Wheein let out a soft laugh. 

“And suddenly I’m okay. Thank you sweetie” Wheein leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her sweet little chubby cheeks. 

The child nodded enthusiastically, appearing to be so proud of herself. She tucked Wheein’s hair behind her ear before removing her hands from her. “You know mommy if you’re missing it that much, why don’t you just do it again?” the child asked, tilting her head to the side.

She wasn’t able to reply to that as the little girl suddenly got off from her lap to grab one of her bears that were sitting on the bed. “My classmates told me that you are a great singer and you have many fans and they’re sad when you left. They told me a lot of people, like really whole lots of people, were sad when you stopped performing on stage. I didn’t even know what they were saying but when they showed me your videos mommy, I get it why people were sad that you stopped.” 

The girl was not even looking at her when she said all of that. She’s just casually talking while setting her art set again as if she’s going to resume drawing on her pad. Wheein just sat there, listening as her daughter rambled on how her classmates first told her that Wheein was an idol before and that she said she doesn’t even know what an idol is, and how her classmates explained that Taehyung is an idol and that Wheein used to be like one too. She also talked about how they watched their videos together and how her classmates told her that their group name is Mamamoo and how they’re huge and popular. She told Wheein how shocked she was to see her sing and dance on stage, how many videos they watched, and how she loved watching it all. 

All of a sudden, her daughter, carrying a bear in one arm stood in front of her, looking all serious. 

“You were so good mommy. I know your voice is beautiful like an angel, and it’s my favorite voice too, but I didn’t know you dance too like daddy. And you’re so good, like really, really, good and it looked like you’re happy and that you love doing it so I don’t get it why you stopped.” she even shook her head as if she’s disappointed. She turned her head down and patted her bear’s head, still not done talking. 

“You know when I grow up, I want to play piano or guitar and play in front of people and open up a bakery and bake cookies and cakes for everyone, and then I’d be a cashier person because I love using my cash register.” 

Looking straight at Wheein, her daughter’s innocent eyes met hers and it pierced her in a way she couldn’t explain. “When I’m already a big girl, I’ll do all of the things I love to do until I’m very, very old, even older than grandma and grandpa. I’ll keep on doing it all until I can’t do it anymore. If it makes me happy and it makes other people happy, I won’t stop doing it.”

Her daughter shrugged and had a cheeky smile on her face. “Why should I? I bake tasty cakes and cookies, I play my toy guitar very well, and I always take good care of my cash register, though I can’t really count money yet. At least my uncles and aunts told me I’m good so it’s fine” the child said, giggling at the end. She suddenly jumped as if remembering something, ran to grab her other dolls and suddenly started hosting a tea-party, playing as if she’s baking a cake for dessert. 

Wheein felt like she was hit by a rushing train with everything her daughter had just said. Like she’d been slapped, punched, and beaten to a pulp, she felt the tightening of her chest, her breath becoming rigid. It felt like she’s running tirelessly in a dark tunnel for a long time, seeing a small dot of light—the end of it—for the very first time. The years of running away is tiring, she realized. She’s finally washed over with exhaustion of trying to get away from something she never even wanted to escape from in the first place.

Her heart feeling like it’s on , she looked down at all the scattered drawings and allowed herself to freely reminisce. Without holding herself back, she lets go and allowed herself to recall the feelings she’s never completely forgotten even in years.

That tickling sensation she always get when she steps foot in recording studio; the accomplished feeling of finishing a song; the nervousness of getting ready on the backstage; the excitement when spotlights shone over her; the way her heart swelled with pride when fans started to cheer and chant their names; the rush of performing on stage, running around it, playing with her members, interacting with her fans; and the adrenaline that pumped her up on stage when their performances reached its . 

Everything was coming back to her. She could feel it again. The rush, the excitement, the nerves; everything. 

Picking up one of the drawings, she looked at it with an unreadable expression on her eyes. Looking at her own image on the drawing where she stood alongside her members, all four of them on stage, she let out a long breath and a decision slowly formed in her mind. 

Three Months Later

“You what? Really?” everybody exclaimed at his sudden announcement. Taehyung has that teasing smile on his face, a smirk forming on his lips. He knew they’d be shocked but he’s pretty sure they’re very much pleased with his decision, and that itself, makes him feel elated as well.

“Y’all heard me,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m not leaving the group anymore” he grinned at all the shocked faces. Just then, the three girls suddenly emerged from the kitchen, each holding a tray of foods and drinks.