heights(iii): white dresses under stage lights

She hadn’t heard from Jiyeon in a week, and she still had no idea how to apologize to this Stephanie girl. Whether it was the latter or former that was bothering her more, she wasn’t sure.

“Alright, troops!”

Taeyeon looked up from her phone. She watched with mild amusement as Hyoyeon rallied up the dancers dispersed around the practice room with finesse.

“I know we all probably had one too many last night, but that’s no reason be acting like pieces of today! Up we get – we need to get this show on the road!” She clapped her hands loudly and the occupants of the room groaned while getting to their feet. “That means you too, Princess.” She said, pointing at Taeyeon accusingly.

Taeyeon chuckled and shook her head before sliding her phone into the side pocket of her bag and trudging over to Hyoyeon and the rest of the dancers. She took a deep breath as Hyoyeon began to recap over previously learned choreography, and willed her mind to focus on dancing and only dancing. No Jiyeon. No Stephanie.

But it was harder than she thought.

* * *

She stared at the notice board. The words “ROOKIE SHOWCASE” screamed at her in big, bold, italicized Calibri font, accented by a red thumbtack. Her eyes skimmed down the page to where it said: “MANAGEMENT STAFF ONLY”. She sighed, rubbing at her face in an attempt to stop the frustration unfolding in her head. Her one chance to find and apologize to Stephanie. Ruined.

The practice room door thundered open. She turned to see Hyoyeon waddling in with a large plastic bag, bulging with food from the convenience store situated down the street.

“You took your time.” Taeyeon commented, walking to the middle of the room where Hyoyeon had begun to settle down.

“Consider yourself lucky, Kim. I don’t go on food runs for people I don’t like.”

“I’m flattered.” She smiled sarcastically.

They both sat, and Taeyeon felt the weight of an unsuccessful dance practice press heavy on her mind. How she managed to mess up choreography she already knew, so many times, she’d never know. She unwrapped a chocolate bar and chomped down on it in an attempt to distract herself.

“Talk to me.” Hyoyeon said through a mouth of kimbap. “What’s up?”

Taeyeon resolved to a shrug. “Not much.”

Hyoyeon raised an eyebrow, her expression bordering on annoyed. “Don’t you try that bull with me, Taeyeon. Messing up that much during practice is not like you.” She stared at Taeyeon with dedicated concern. “You were practically drowning out there.”

And boy, did it feel like it.

“It’s nothing.” Taeyeon tried to reassure, pulling her knees up. “I’m just a bit off today, that’s all.”

“Is it boyfriend trouble?”

She nearly choked on her food. “W-what?”

“Oh don’t act so innocent. I’ve caught you gazing at your phone longingly one too many times.”

Taeyeon stared at her, maybe for a little too long, and then forced on a chuckle. “I don’t have a boyfriend.” She waved a hand in the air, unable to express what she meant, unsure if she wanted to express what she meant. “It’s…uh…” She’d never even dreamt of telling anyone that her boyfriends were in actual fact girlfriends. It could ruin everything. “…He’s not my boyfriend. It’s just a…a thing.” She tried to say as carelessly as possible.

“Must be more than just a ‘thing’ if it’s distracting you this much.” Hyoyeon responded, scrunching up her empty kimbap wrapper and discarding it into a pile on the floor.

“I…uh…I… I’m...uh…”

“I’m guessing that’s code for: it’s complicated.”

Taeyeon laughed quietly. Hyoyeon always had a way of making her feel better. She sighed. “Sh-He wants a relationship and I just…I don’t know.” Her heart thumped painfully hard at the near slip up. Uncomfortable, she looked away.

Hyoyeon hummed, ripping open a bag of salty crisps. “Do you love him?”

Taeyeon grimaced at the word. She’d been avoiding any type of conversation about feelings, commitment, let alone love, with Jiyeon for months now. “Love…love is a very strong word…”

“That’s not what I asked.”

She squabbled mentally for the right thing to say. “I…uh…I don’t know, honestly.”

The look Hyoyeon gave her was so thoughtful that Taeyeon could almost hear all the little cogs that were bound to be turning in the dancer’s head. “I think you do know but you just don’t want to open up about it.”

“I didn’t say that-“

“You don’t have to say it.” Hyoyeon said plainly, leaning back on her hands. “I can tell, even if you don’t tell me directly, that you care a lot about this guy – whoever he is.” Taeyeon traced the line of Hyoyeon’s jaw as she tilted her head up toward the lights. “You’re probably just scared to let him in.”

“Scared?” Taeyeon scoffed. “Why would I be scared-“

“Taeyeon.” Hyoyeon cut in, face deadly serious. “I’ve known you for like, what, six years now?” Taeyeon found herself nodding mutely. “And even after these six years, you sometimes feel like a stranger to me. If you can’t let me in, then you sure as hell won’t be able to let him in.”

Hyoyeon’s words had no edge to them, but they still somehow managed to pierce something in Taeyeon’s chest. No one was ever quite as direct as Hyoyeon was. And it definitely stung sometimes. She found herself looking away in what could only be described as shame.

Hyoyeon sighed once more. “Don’t think I’m angry or anything, Taeyeon. I’ve long accepted the fact that you’re just, naturally, a guarded person. And it’s cool.” Taeyeon didn’t really feel cool. “In regards to this guy,” Hyoyeon went on, “obviously I don’t know all the details but, I say give it a shot. Being in love can be nice, sometimes.”

Taeyeon wondered, suddenly, about Hyoyeon’s love life. Why had she never bothered to ask? “I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”

* * *

Lawrence always chewed his food thoroughly, and meals with him were always quiet. Taeyeon thought it was nice; the lack of effort, the lack of need to speak all the time. Silence and good food were things that she often felt she deprived herself of.

“Here, have more.” He said, heaping more meat onto her plate. “You’re looking too skinny.”

“Thought that was a good thing in this industry.” She replied, eating the extra helping anyway, because somehow she knew that Lawrence was always kind of right.

“You need your health up. Your comeback isn’t far now.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” And she really did know. Between thoughts of Jiyeon and thoughts of how best to apologise to the trainee, it was all Taeyeon had been thinking about.

He stopped chewing. “Hyoyeon said that yesterday’s practice wasn’t your best.”

She wondered, fleetingly, what else Hyoyeon may have told him, before resolving to a shrug. “My head was just elsewhere.”

“Yeah, well, it needs to be here. You know that.”

“Of course, I know that.” Her tone was sharper than intended. “Stop talking to me like I’m some rookie. I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old. I know how it’s done.”

Taeyeon watched his face fall slightly. They continued eating for a moment. Lawrence ordered more meat, and waited for the waitress to leave before speaking. “I…I didn’t mean it like that, Taeyeon. I know you know what you’re doing. You’re a professional, I know, but sometimes I forget that you’re not a kid anymore. Call it an old man’s habit.”

“Oh, I will.” She muttered, picking at some side dishes.

“Have you apologized to the trainee yet?”

Taeyeon found herself sighing again. “I don’t know how or where to find her. And frankly, I don’t have time to be hunting around for some girl that I don’t even know.”

“I thought we agreed-“

“We did agree, and yes, I’ll apologize to her. But the only way I have of finding her is the upcoming rookie showcase, but it’s ‘Management Staff Only’.” The face she pulled was annoyed and bitter.

Lawrence exhaled through his nose. “There’s really no other way of finding her?”

Taeye