autumn leaves: part 2

“Ben’s parent’s evening is on Thursday.”

“Do you want to go, or should I?”

Stephanie turns around and looks at Nichkhun but averts her eyes when his gaze meets hers. She shrugs a little. “We can figure it out later.”

She switches off the bedroom light, leaving the bedside lamp to spread its warm, soft colours over a portion of the room. Nichkhun lays on his back, head in his thoughts and his eyes to the ceiling. She sets her alarm for 7:28 am. The bed dips with her weight, and Nichkhun gently tugs at her arm, gesturing for her to lie down. They lay on their sides, face to face. It’s been a long time.

“Ben made a new friend.” She says, not liking the silence.

“Who?”

“His name is Youngjae, apparently.”

“Youngjae?”

“Ben said he’s new to their class. I said we could invite him round.”

“I bet he liked the sound of that.”

“He did.” Her lips pull upwards at the thoughts of it.

“It’s so weird that Ben is in Primary school now.” He says, eyes somewhere far off, in memories. His fingers brush a few locks of her hair behind her ear gently. “I remember when we brought him back from the hospital.”

“He was such a happy baby…still is.” She casts her eyes down.

“I’d never seen you smile so brightly.” His voice drops to something delicate.

“Yeah…” She suddenly feels much more lost.

Silence lands between them, Stephanie tries to concentrate on the sound of the clock, but Nichkhun’s eyes are awfully distracting.

She knows what he’s thinking. It worsens her guilt, twists the knife a little more.

Because Nichkhun is feather-like touches and soft gazes, Nichkhun is everything she needs, but nothing like what she’s been longing for recently. But she loves him, she does - no matter how much she may be thinking of someone else, no matter how much she thinks about the what if’s, she still loves him. So much.

“How’s the writing going?” He asks after a while, the dim lights and all the thinking is making her tired. “Is the new book getting anywhere?”

“No,” It pains her to say it. “I guess I’ve just got writer’s block.”

“Is there anything I can do?” He looks at her, almost pleadingly. “I mean, do you know why you’re finding it more difficult this time round? Because I remember when you were writing July, it was almost as if you had so much inspiration that you couldn’t stop, and it was so successful.”

“…I don’t know, Khun…” Her reply is quiet.

She knows, but she’ll never give Nichkhun an answer. It could ruin everything. Talking about Taeyeon could ruin everything.

* * *

To say that she pondered over it was an understatement. She thought about it at the dead of night, when her ceiling was her canvas and her thoughts were her paint. She thought about it in the life of day when her thoughts would get caught in the clouds and she couldn’t reach high to enough to get them down.

She thought about it, and it wasn’t not too far from consuming her. Sometimes she’d look at her mother, hear the biblical verses and the church services, and part of her just felt wrong.

She liked boys – she enforced to herself when thoughts of long, perfumed hair and feminine curves crept into her mind - tall boys with broad shoulders. She did like boys, though, and girls, regardless of her constant denial.

“…and then I went home. I’d never been so exhausted in my life. I forgot how intense dance practice can get.”

Tiffany nodded. “You enjoy it though?”

They both sat down at a picnic table. Nicole slung her bag onto the tabletop and pulled out a tub of salad.

“Yeah, difficult but I enjoy it.”

The sun beat down relentlessly and Tiffany wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to the Californian heat that never seemed to cease. She rubbed at her neck and looked around at the other students, all busy and moving.

“Are you not gonna eat?” Nicole asked. Tiffany watched her pop open the lid of her salad.

Tiffany shook her head. “No, I’m not hungry. I’ll get something later.”

Nicole shrugged before she proceeded to dig in. “Oh yeah,” She said through a mouth of leaves, but was interrupted before she could continue.

“Tiffany,”

She turned at the sound of her name and there stood the girl from yesterday, the pretty girl who walked under the sunshine and shown such sincerity – Taeyeon.

“Oh…uhm…Hey,” Tiffany said, moving to face her.

“Hi, I was just wondering if you got home okay.” Taeyeon said with a shift of her bag strap.

“Yeah, I…uh…I got home fine.”

“Oh, good.” It was close to becoming awkward but Taeyeon saves it, much like she had the previous day. “If you ever want a tour of campus, just come and find me. I’d be happy to show you around.”

Tiffany couldn’t help but smile gratefully. “Thanks, Taeyeon.”

“It’s no problem.” Taeyeon said, taking a step back, glancing at Nicole who’d been watching them with curiosity. Taeyeon gave her a nod of acknowledgement. “I guess I’ll see you around.” Taeyeon then turned and walked away with the wave her hand, and Tiffany watched her for a moment, hoping that maybe Taeyeon could become a friend.

She turned back to the table, taking out her books, thinking back to yesterday, standing on that stage, looking at Taeyeon who’s smile had captured her so.

“How do you know Taeyeon Kim?”

Tiffany looked up at Nicole’s suddenly serious expression. “Well…I got a bit lost yesterday after class and she helped me out. That’s all.”

“I’d watch out if I were you. Taeyeon is bad news.”

Tiffany frowned, “Yeah?”

Nicole’s nod was grim. “My parents and her parents used to be close, went to the same church and all that. And