7. Talking To
It's normal
For me to talk to myself
After you left

Lee Jaehee

Perhaps it's the two-hour run that made me crave for sleep, but talking to Sungjin this morning brought some sort of peace of mind. "Just enjoy it," he said. I take a short bath to get the sweat off, and my bed welcomes me back as I drift to sleep.

Three hours later, I woke up to a text notification. It was Jae.
chickenjaelittle: Hey Jae. Smile more. Makes you happier. Read it on google. K, that is all.
jaeheelee: A good morning you too, Jae.
chickenjaelittle: Also, see you tomorrow 9AM. ;)

Before I spiral into the whole repetition of replaying last night's events and getting flustered, I distract myself with the one chore I've kept on delaying the past few days: packing up. Clothes, papers, and books are boxed up, and before I know it, it's already 3 in the afternoon. Stretching my arms, I figure that I could use a short run, and so to the local supermarket I go. Before showering, I message Piri to call me at around 5pm if he's available; he mentioned that he has light load today so I guess he’s doing overtime on a Saturday.

Jogging around the neighborhood, I realize that spring has arrived. There’s less chill in the air for the time of the day, and flower buds waiting to bloom are perched upon the several Sakura trees in the area. Predictions have mentioned that Tokyo will have its cherry blossom in full bloom in a few days; I make a mental note to invite the boys on a flower viewing (hanami) for their first Tokyo spring. My thoughts direct me to Jae and then tomorrow’s date, and subsequently, I am also reminded of Younghyun and last night’s dinner. I shake these thoughts out of my head and run the last hundred meters to the grocery store.

After catching my breath, I bolt for the ice cream section. I scan the choices from over the freezer, and just when I was about to open it, someone else does. “Cookie dough, right?” I nod but at the same time internally startled, because I knew the voice’s owner. I look up to see Jae beaming at me and holding the ice cream tub I was going for. “Hey Jae,” he starts, “you ran again today?”

I take the ice cream from him and put it on my cart, and we start walking towards the cashier lanes. “Yeah, I did run for a few rounds before going here. But, hey, where did ‘again’ come from?”

We pass through the international foods section, and he takes several packs of Korean ramyeon. “Ah, that. Sungin told me you ran early this morning. We tell each other everything, you know, since we’re a domestic family. He’s totally like a single mom with two sons.” He nods to himself, probably amused at how witty he was, which makes me smile. I try not to think about the part about the ‘telling each other everything’, since I know I can always trust Sungjin.

I walk a bit faster and he adjusts his pace effortlessly with his long legs. “Hey Jae, my ice cream needs to survive, are you going to run with me on the way back?” He just hums a non-committal response.

We pay for our comfort food haul and I am a few steps behind him as we walk towards the exit. Upon stepping outside the doors, he suddenly turns around, and I bump into his chest. I quickly step back, and nursing my forehead, I look up at him with my brows furrowed. Jae just laughs and then apologizes. “So, I actually have a few things left to do for our date tomorrow, so you can go ahead, Jaehee-yah.” He raises a hand to pat my head and walks away too fast, as he did the night before. I am left dazed, but I can’t help but chuckle at the déjà vu. I take deep breathe, and, clutching my canvass shopping bag, I run back home.

At around 6PM, after I’ve showered and prepared dinner, the Skype call tone rings throughout the apartment. He doesn't bring up the critical matter at hand, and instead gives me his work and life updates. I've always appreciated this side of my best friend; he ensures that I am at my most comfortable when I am about to be vulnerable. He recognizes how I need time to lower the gates I’ve built; he's as patient as he is a good listener.

We eat dinner together through our screens, as we often did the past two years. After excusing ourselves to deal with the dishes for a while, I sit in front of my screen with Wonpil already in it. His pursed smile tells me that he’s ready to switch roles and be on the receiving end. I give back the same pursed smile, inhaling deeply with my eyes closed. After a prolonged exhale, I open my eyes and look straight at him, and begin.

“So, uhm, I went on a date, ex post facto, with your hyung, like you always wanted.” He only nods; his face doesn’t even show the usual grin that lights up whenever his ship remotely sails. I have the best human friend ever.

“And then, Jae informed me that tomorrow’s a date, because clearly, it has to be announced beforehand so that my romance-deprived brain could understand.”

I lean back on my chair, and stare at the ceiling. “It’s not as if I never noticed that Jae treats me well, or that he always jokes about or hints at crushing on me, or that I’ve never thought that maybe he looks at me a bit differently and bit more intense than Dowoon and Sungjin.”

I shift my head to check Wonpil’s reaction, who has a palm under his tilted head, listening intently and without judgement.

“It’s just that I don’t have the self-confidence to assume with finality that he perhaps has a crush on me. Besides, Jae is a good person and a really good friend. What I have let myself conclude is that everything he said and did towards me is because of his personality. Is that… the wrong way to approach things, Piri?”

At the sound of his name, Wonpil sits straight, with his eyebrows meeting in furrowed concentration. After a few heartbeats, he finally says, “You’re being too hard on yourself again, Jaehee-yah.” I wince, but I nod in agreement. He continues, “I don’t think Jae ever expected you to figure things out on your own; not when I think he understands how you perceive his friendship. So to answer your question, your approach was actually quite logical, my dear friend.”

I thank him with a small smile, and ask, “Am I making too much of a big deal out of this?”

Wonpil chuckles, and I almost feel him putting an arm around me saying, “Short answer is yes, but I will give you the long version of that, of course.”

He moves his face a bit closer to the screen, with laced hands supporting his chin. “Well,” he begins, “you have a very self-aware personality, so you already admitted to having a hard time believing that other people can be attracted to the smart, beautiful person that you are. So maybe work on that?”

He pauses and I blink fast in response, as if sending a gibberish morse code that meant to say, ‘You are being too direct, but noted.’

Wonpil’s brand of tough love often catches me off-guard, but only because he’s only managed to pull it off a very few times in the past.

“Is it a big deal that you finally went out on a date after four years of being the poster girl of happy singlehood? Yes, of course! And according to my very reliable source, Younghyun-hyung had a wonderful time.” I blush at the mention of his name and Wonpil’s raised eyebrow tells me that he’s caught that reaction.

“Anyway,” he presses on, “do I think that you’re over-reacting just because you’re going out with Jae tomorrow? Yes, I do, but I have no objections over whatever you’re feeling because those are valid. But do tell me, Jaehee, have you figured out yet why you’ve reacted like,” he gestures his hands wildly at me, “this?”

Another thing I love about Wonpil is that he somehow always knows the right jabs to deliver. I have redirected my attention to everything else for most of the day, and so this is the first time I’m confronting this line.

He waits for me to compose my thoughts, and after sitting in silence for a few minutes, I let the words flow. “Primarily because I didn’t know how else to react? And then all the implications of going on a date with a good friend dawns on me, just after I went on a date with my old crush.

"You know how I usually deal when my thoughts overflow, right?” He nods knowingly in response. “So I shut everything up and distracted myself with sleep and chores and running. Which is, you have to admit, a very productive way from turning away from current dilemmas. Anyway, I guess you could say that for someone who dated one guy for seven years and was subsequently single for the past four, I am exceedingly overwhelmed. Does this make sense?”

Wonpil is sitting far back into his chair, his head supported by his right arm. “Jaehee, it’s not as if I’m asking these questions so I can understand. If it honestly makes sense to you, that’s all I need.” He grins at me, and I smile back.

“Anyway, I met Sungjin this morning, and you know what he said?” Wonpil shakes his head. I continue, “he said that I should just enjoy it. I’m not sure how much Sungjin knows, but I’m thinking of following that advice. Keeping my mind off things also calms me down, and talking to Sungjin was immensely helpful. That one comment made a ton of sense, you know. And then while on an ice cream run, I accidentally bumped into Jae. I got surprised when he suddenly appeared beside me, but other than that, it wasn’t awkward at all. I even forgot all about the date during the few minutes we were together.”

Wonpil has now shifted to lean his head onto his left arm, a passive smile on his face. “I really want to meet that Sungjin hyung in person. So, you’re going to tomorrow’s,” he pauses and types on the chat box, and I hear him press enter as he says, “Sundate With Jae?”

I nod my head a few times, and trying to convince myself, I nod a bit more.

“Well,” Wonpil starts, a gummy grin plastered on his face, “you did great with your dinner date with Younghyun-hyung, I’m sure you’ll be fine with Jae.” He winks, and I roll my eyes. “But try not to fall for Jae too much, okay? I’m still rooting for the YoungHee ship to sail!”

“As much as you’ve been very helpful tonight, shut up, Wonpil.”

“I love you too, Jaehee!”