14. Lean On Me

Your pretty face is smudged with tears
I know you can’t stop right away
But lean on me even if it’s just for a moment
I hope your heart will feel at rest

Kim Wonpil

I return straight to our hotel, a few streets away from Jaehee's apartment. This trip to Japan is foremost a vacation for me and our friends, and secondly an advanced welcoming committee for Jaehee's coming home. The days leading to my flight was marred by Jaehee's suddenly eventful life, that while the surprise was part of the plan, pulling it off depended on her state of mind.

On the day Jaehee went off-grid, Younghyun-hyung concocted a plan that even I wasn't sure was going to work. Later that night, he had added a few days to our hotel reservation and shared with me a sketch of tomorrow's attempt, and I wished him luck.

An attempt that turned out to be more than successful, because we both didn't expect her to let him into her bubble.

I flew on Wednesday and had a challenging navigation day. Later that afternoon, when I saw them walking together as they exited the park, they weren't exactly lovers but there is a pleasant spark that is definitely a mark of something more than friendship. Then we "coincidentally" run into Jae and company. I managed to get Jaehee and Younghyun-hyung alone by the end of the day, hoping that my dear brother can somehow still keep his momentum.

Sitting in this hotel room, I can't help but wonder again why it took this long for my ship to sail, and why did a Park Jaehyung have to overlap and take action at the same time. I do have an answer for the first half of that, but for the latter, I don't have any. Timing is always tricky concept.

It was a treat to watch Younghyun-hyung fall for Jaehee, ever so slowly. His hesitation and denial was frustrating to watch, though.

So when Jaehee announced her crush on him, it felt like the universe was asking me to conspire with her. I encouraged Jaehee and eventually she took steps, sending him texts and being a tiny bit more friendly with him when she's in our home.

And then the frustration was back, because hyung never flirted back, not even a little. Jaehee felt like there was no response from Younghyun-hyung, and she didn't want to push herself onto someone who is clearly not interested. She was too tired of having to work too much for a crush that wasn’t moving forward.

I can only assume, but I've been observing from too near a perspective to be wrong. So this is what I know: Younghyun-hyung didn't know what to do with Jaehee's sudden attention at the time. One day, I began suggesting Jaehee as a prospect, which eventually evolved into a full blown shipping. He always had an excuse for not giving my dating advice a chance, and acted as if he's just not interested, even if his demeanor betrays him every time Jaehee comes over.

 My mulling is interrupted by Younghyun-hyung's entrance to our room. I grin widely at him and ask, "How was it?" 

He smirks at me as he sat at the edge of the bed. “She knows," he simply says.

I clap my hands together in glee. “You confessed?”

“Yep," he replies.

"Omo! Finally! How did Jaehee take it?"  

Hyung shrugs. “She actually took it better than I expected. I also asked her not to run away, and I sincerely hope she doesn't. Anyway, she’s waiting for you.”

I pat his shoulder. "Good job, hyung. I'll take over from here. Have a good night."

As I pick up my bag, I turn to him “Hyung, you never told me explicitly that you liked her, you know?”

Younghyun-hyung smiles to himself. “I wanted Jaehee to be the first one I say it out loud to.”

Lee Jaehee

It's been a few minutes since I arrived back at my apartment, and I'm on my small couch, staring at the door.Everything that happened during the past four days finally dawns on me. How much I enjoyed last Sunday with Jae, and how I hid away after he confessed. How I let Younghyun be the distraction I needed, how I got roped into another date, and alas, how he sprung that confession on me. I am not sure where I got my composure from, but every single thing that I've swept under my rug is now haunting me. I run to the bedroom and scream into my pillow.

This is interrupted by the door opening, and I pace back into the living room and see Wonpil standing there with his arms stretched out, ready to take me in for a hug. "Hey, Jaehee," he greets, a warm smile on his face. I let myself indulge in the safety of his embrace.

He sways us back and forth, a slow rhythm that calms me. He then whispers, "You were screaming on your pillow again." I let out a small chuckle in response.

He then asks, "Are we gonna stand here for the whole night or are you finally gonna spill everything out to your best friend?"

An hour later, Wonpil and I are in our pajamas. He's sprawled on my bed, his head leaning on his propped elbow. I'm sitting on the bean bag chair beside the bed. I've already recalled the events of the past few days: from his set-up, to the dinner, to the astonishing number of dates I was in, and to the confessions I've received. Hearing it accounted with my own voice made every other feelings more loud and confusing, so right now I'm just dazed and cursing under my breath. Wonpil just watches me, amusement shining in his eyes.

"Wonpil-ah!" I cried, at a loss for words. He tilts his head, urging me to find them. "Yes, Jaehee-yah?"

I pause, staring at the wall beside him. I finally meet his eyes and say, "What the hell is happening?"

Wonpil gently smiles at me and replies, "Jaehee, is it really unbelievable to you that people can like you romantically?"

I take a deep breath, and let the storm of thoughts spill. "Before being comfortable with being single, I remember thinking briefly that getting cheated on was my fault. When I got over that and properly blamed him, I ended up thinking that maybe I'm just not likeable.

I have made strides and truly believe otherwise, but I may have put that in a box somewhere, and maybe I still sometimes think that I am a handful and no one can possibly be attracted to me. And suddenly, there's two perfectly eligible, handsome, smart human beings who think otherwise."

The slight furrow of Wonpil's eyebrows that crosses his expression is immediately gone, his lips pressed on a thin line as he ponders how to respond. He then sits up, and reaches for my hands. "Jaehee, you do know that you're beautiful and smart and kind, right?"

I exhale a slow sigh. "Yes, I know that, Pil. It's just hard to believe that others think the same way, and even liking me romantically for it. Jae's words still ring in my head, calling me an amazing person and a heap of other superlatives that I don't think I deserve."

"But you do deserve all of those, Jaehee." He swings our hands up and down with each word, as if emphasizing his point.

I couldn't help but make a small smile at his words and gestures. "I know, Pil, I'm working on believing that I do."

He releases my hands and pats my head. "That's good to hear, Jaehee." Wonpil leans onto the headboard, stretching his legs as he says, "I have another question."

"Go ahead, Pil," I say, bracing myself.

"So how was it going out with Jae and Younghyun-hyung?"

There are several ways to answer this question. I have already narrated what happened the past few days, so I opt for another path. “Wonpil, I do understand that one goes on a date with someone you're at the very least attracted to. Until their confessions, it was just a fun day with sprinkled heart-fluttering moments.

In hindsight, I’m now wondering if going on consecutive dates was a good idea. I’m trying to figure out what I feel, but at the same time, I need more time.”

Wonpil folds his legs and crosses them, and asks, “Would you like some of my perspective?” I nod in response.

“Jaehee, people can date even if it's one-sided attraction. In your case, it’s because sometimes you either want to reconfirm your long-standing attraction or he's a really good friend and you think that a romance with him doesn't sound so bad.

You'redoing fine, and take all the time you need, but please just be honest with your feelings so you don't drag one or both of them for too long. What did they say again about your response to their confession?”

“That they’re not in a hurry,” I reply.

“Then why should you be?” He asks.

I open and close my mouth, trying to form my thoughts into spoken words. Finally, I say, “Because they’re investing feelings and time and effort and I don’t want those to go to waste.”

Wonpil slouches and levels his face with mine. “I’m pretty sure that you’re a waste of no one’s time, moreso of people who would love to spend time with you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Pil. I’ve known them both for a while now, but I don't think I like either enough to ‘choose’ so that I can avoid hurting the other too much. My god, I am cringing at that word. Am I really that great to be the one doing the choosing?”

This earns me a look from Wonpil, his eyes wide and biting his lower lip in reprimand. He speaks in a stern voice, saying, "Jaehee. What do you think? We just talked about this literally a few minutes ago?"

I stick my tongue out at him and he just laughs at my childish response. Eventually I tell him, "Yes, I know, I know. All of these really hasn't sunk yet, I guess. Give me a few more moments. I swear I'm working on it."

Wonpil’s expression softens and his one hand reaches to cup one side of my face. "Love yourself a bit more, will you?" I tap his hand as I promise, “I will, Wonpil.”

I stretch my hands up and look at the clock. It’s already been a while since we’ve started talking. I definitely missed Wonpil, and I feel lucky to have such a warm person listen to my worries. He calls for me to sit on the bed too, our backs now leaning onto the headboard.

“Wonpil,” I call for him. “I can't help but wonder though, how sure are we that their feelings are strong enough to last more than a few more dates?”

“Well, first of all, you deserve to have all the love in the world." he pauses and let that sink in.

“Second of all, to answer your question, you can't know for sure. Most of the time, it's trial and error. But in your case…” he hangs his sentence in mid-air, and I turn to him to ask why. “What about my case?”

“I don’t think Jae and Younghyun-hyung just decided on a whim that they have feelings for you. Jae’s liked you since you’ve been friends, even I could tell that. And Younghyun-hyung, well, he, uhm,” he scratches his head, looks at me timidly, and then bursts out, “Look, it’s not my place to tell, okay?”

“Sure, no pressure Pil, calm down,” I tell him, as I laugh at his monologue. His face is now enclosed in his palms, mumbling, “I’ve said too much again, my goodness.”

It’s probably the right timing to press a quick pause, so I give him space. “Wonpil, I am now taking a quick water break. Do you want anything?”

Once I re-entered the bedroom, Wonpil seems to have calmed himself down because he immediately restarts our conversation. “Jaehee, why did you let hyung into your isolation when you could have just said no?”

I sit down at the edge of the bed, placing the glasses of water on the bedside table. “I don’t know either, Pil. At first I felt bad for ditching my promise to him. And then when we hung out together, it was an effective way for me to escape from Jae and his confession.”

"Why did you need the escape?"

"Because I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't want to process yet how I feel for Jae. He’s a really good friend. I even had a small crush on him for a while.” Wonpil widens his eyes at the revelation, but doesn’t say anything. “I will always admire his artistic side, Pil. He’s fun to be with, he’s funny and goofy and really caring. When I try to recall the things he did for me, I want to smack myself for being insensitive and not seeing his feelings. Jae deserves a great girl, and I am not sure yet if I am that person.” I slide beside him, and I ask, “Why do you think Jae confessed when I’m leaving in a few weeks?”

Wonpil turns to me and replies, “Not everything is governed by logic, my dear.” And I had to smirk at that remark.

He then chides, “You know Jaehee, I’ve never known you to let anyone in on your off-the-grid days. Not even me, your best friend, gets to do that. And so let me get back to my original question and be more specific. What do you think of Younghyun-hyung?”

I raise an eyebrow at him and he just shrugs. “I know I said a few years back that I have a crush on your brother, Piri. And his sudden appearance here in Tokyo made me remember why I was attracted to him. But I also remember how he didn't seem interested back then, so I moved on and that was all it was, a little crush on my best friend's older brother. An admiration that somehow still persists, because, well, your hyung is a hell of a catch.”

We lapse into catch-up conversation afterwards, until well after midnight. One of us yawned and we both slipped into the covers at the same time, a silent agreement to finally sleep. I stand up to turn off the lights, and when I returned to the bed and rested my head on the pillow, I realize that I have one final thing to say. “Wonpil are you asleep?”

“Nope,” he answers.

“You know,” I start. He hums in response.

I continue, "Probably the only reason I'm emotionally strong is because I'm good at distracting myself. I often refuse to face my issues head-on, and instead wait until it simmers down and hopefully when it does I have forgotten about it. I have too many baggage, don’t I?”

“Jaehee, that's a defense mechanism that is effective for you. And I don't think you're escaping, either. Another perspective is this: you don't let your emotions overwhelm you and instead reexamine them at a calmer time.

Besides, everyone has a baggage or two on them. And yet you remain to give people the benefit of the doubt, to trust even at the possibility of betrayal. You’re doing well, Jaehee, but you have to be less hard on yourself, to be kinder on yourself.”

“Thank you, Pil, I needed to hear that.” I hold his hand under the sheets.

He presses it tightly, and then says, “But you've built a wall around you, Jaehee. You need to let people into your life again. I might be biased, but seeing how you preferred to spend the day with Younghyun-hyung, practically a stranger, instead of talking to me; and you even had a great day with Jae, too; it's a good step forward. Just enjoy the attention right now, okay?"

I squeeze his hand in response, and we drifted off to sleep.

Park Jaehyung

The next day, I wait for Jaehee to start her morning routine, intending to run with her. When the door to her apartment opened, a flustered Wonpil comes out.

“She’s going to kill me,” he mutters under his breath as he ties his shoe laces. He notices me standing beside him and he greets me, “Good morning, Jae. I gotta go, see you tomorrow!” And he runs off.

Jaehee walks out, and when our eyes meet, it's somehow awkward again. We're being awkward and I hate this, but at the same time it could mean that I'm visible, that she sees me, finally.

“Good morning, Jaehee,” I tell her.

“Hey Jae,” she replies, and finally the awkwardness dissipates when she smiles. “Are you running with me today?” she asks, issuing a challenge. And now we’re back to normal, I guess.

What we did was more of a jog than run, and Jaehee laughs at me several times for struggling to keep up. After an hour and a half, we are now sitting in the nearby park. I am catching my breath while she checks her phone. She’s swooning over a cat video and she shows it to me, our shoulders leaning into each other, the personal space gone easily, as usual. Jaehee then grows quiet. We sit in easy silence, as we often do. After a while, she speaks. “Jae, I don’t have an answer for you yet, is that okay?”

Jaehee’s staring at her feet, and I call for her to look at me, “Hey Jae.”

She lifts her head and meets my eyes, and then I tell her, “Jaehee, you just have to receive my adoration and efforts, let it sway you if it does and add weight to what we have. I don't need anything else, not right now. What I am most scared of is losing you as a friend.”

“You are not going to lose me,” she assures me. And I hold on to that.

We walk back to the apartment, agreeing to meet an hour later so I can help her with shopping for the food she’ll prepare for tomorrow’s hanami.

After the trip to the grocery store, we sat at a nearby cafe. Jaehee’s uncharacteristically staring at me, and I grow uneasy at the attention even if I do admit to enjoying it.

“Is there something on my face, Jaehee-yah?” I ask her.

She rests her chin onto her palms, and says, "Jae, this is sudden, but have I ever told you how my ex broke up with me?"

I widen my eyes in surprise, sudden is definitely an understatement. "All I know is that he cheated on you,” I reply, “no other details."

She tilts her head a bit. "Well, would you like to know?"

I sit up straight and put my interlaced hands over the table. "Only if you feel okay sharing it."

A small smile crosses her face. "Thanks, Jae. I figured that since you were honest with your feelings, you deserve to know some of my baggage."

"I like you for all of who you are, Jaehee, all of your check-in luggage, carry-on backpack, etcetera, included."

She laughs at my statement, then warns,Say " only the things you mean, Jae."

Shetakes a deep breath before continuing, "So here it goes: One afternoon, I received a message from Wonpil asking if I'm okay. It was out of nowhere, and somehow, I sensed that something was wrong.  

Piri then asked if my ex and I finally broke up, and then he sent me my ex’s changed Facebook profile photo, a selfie with another girl. I tried reaching out to my ex but he only sent me one text, a very short apology. I've never heard from him since then."  

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Jaehee," is all I say, because I am trying to tame my anger for that despicable person.

Jaehee sits up straight, her hands on the table. "Me too, though I believe I've moved on already. But you see, he was the last person I thought of to cheat on me. In hindsight, him being a big of a coward wasn't so surprising; and I'm glad that I was able to cut him off instantly.

The relationship was barely a passing grade in its last few years. But I was a hard-headed girl who relished the few happy moments despite the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and being unloved that I felt."  

I reach my hand across the table to put it over hers. She stares at it and smiles softly.

"There are a lot of baggages to account for, Jae. I've managed to throw away some by loving myself a bit more; and with the others, they've become lighter as I practice to trust in the goodness of people. I think the heaviest of them all is that I'm not yet willing to let myself pour out that much love; not without being scared that it would just be discarded in the end."

I squeeze her hand, and I look straight into her eyes as I tell her several things. “Jaehee, I've only known you for six or so months but we've been friends since the moment you walked through our apartment door. We've been on trips together with Sungjin and Dowoon, and I've seen you lose your temper and immediately regret it, get frustrated and stressed and deal with it in both grace and inelegance.

I've seen you at some of your worst and your best. Nothing that you say is going to make me like you less. Nor do I expect you to return my feelings any time soon. Jaehee, love isn't a transaction were you expect the same amount from both sides, accounting for where it goes and how it's received."

"I perfectly understand that, Jae. But I can't help it. I'm improving though, I think?"

"Jaehee, you need to give yourself more credit. You're already pouring out love and good things into the world without expecting anything in return. Maybe being in a romantic relationship, preferably with me, isn't that much different?"

"Thanks for you kind words, Jae." She leans her head on my shoulder, and then quickly removes it. "Ah, I shouldn't be doing these kinds of things anymore, huh? Sorry."

I reach across her back and puts her head back on my shoulder. "No apologies needed, my lady. And all the more you should continue doing these. Just be you. I'll be me. Whatever we will become, we can figure it out later."