Chapter 8

practice

«A self respecting artist must not fold their hands on the pretext that they are not in the mood.»

— Tchaikovsky

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The days are long, stretching like a rubber band, but Dahyun has no other choice but to trudge through them like a dead man walking. She wonders how or when she started to feel so empty, so drained. The sun beating down on her back reminds her that there’s still tomorrow, and the thought of another day makes Dahyun groan. It’s the dark night that Dahyun looks forwards to: The night welcomes her with open arms, pulling her close, and Dahyun falls asleep wrapped in a blanket of twilight.

Dahyun doesn’t feel like practicing today. She doesn’t feel like doing anything other than making it through her classes. She searches for Nayeon, finally  spotting her in the hallway, perched on a windowsill, chatting to Mina and Momo. Luckily Sana’s not there.

«Hi, Nayeon.» Dahyun calls out, running a hand through her hair as she walks up to them. She feels Momo and Mina looking at her now, and it makes Dahyun want to disappear, to be swallowed by the sea of students who manoeuvre around her. «I just want to let you know that I won’t be able to practice with you today.» Dahyun says, then turns to walk away.

«Huh?» Nayeon says, jumping down from the windowsill. She quickly bids Momo and Mina goodbye, then grabs Dahyun’s arm, pulling her down the hallway. «We’re not practicing today?»

«Yeah, can we just skip it?» Dahyun tries but to no avail, Nayeon just shakes her head.

«Skip practice? What? You can’t just skip practice, are you nuts?» Nayeon hisses, brow furrowed. 

«I just don’t feel like it.» Dahyun shrugs.

«What? That’s stupid, Dahyun. Don’t you practice all the time? But now you just… what? Don’t want to?»

«Nayeon, I’m sorry, I should’ve told you earlier. But I literally don’t feel too well, so I’m going to have to pass on this one.»

Nayeon regards her quietly, then smirks. «Okay, spill.» She says, her grip around Dahyun’s arm tightens. «Last time we practiced you admitted to having a crush. Is that what’s bothering you? Your crush?»

«No.» Dahyun squeaks, then snaps shut, drawing her lips into a thin line. She frowns, her jaw tenses, then finally Dahyun relaxes, heaving a sigh of defeat. «Yes, but it’s —it’s just complicated, alright?»

«Nobody ever said loving was easy.» Nayeon smirks, playfully punching Dahyun’s arm, but Dahyun just glares at her.

«Please just, I need time to think on my own. Go through my thoughts, clear out my head.»

Nayeon’s expression suddenly falters, she looks worried. This time when she goes to grab Dahyun’s arm, she does so gently. 

«Sure, Dahyun, sure.» Nayeon says carefully. «Do whatever you need, whatever it takes.»

Dahyun turns to leave, rubbing the nape of her neck a bit sheepishly.

Dahyun goes to the cafeteria to eat lunch with Chaeyoung and Tzuyu. The place is packed, swarming with students, the smell of hot food wafts through the air making Dahyun’s stomach growl. She spots her friends sitting in the corner by the windows, their usual place has been taken by some third years.

She makes her way towards Chaeyoung and Tzuyu while carrying a tray with piping hot food. By chance, Dahyun spots Nayeon, Momo and Mina entering the cafeteria. Nayeon’s too busy talking to Momo to notice Dahyun staring at her. Dahyun then ducks her head, grips the food tray tightly and quickly sits down with her friends.

Chaeyoung’s lounging on the chair, feet resting on an empty seat. Dahyun thinks Chaeyoung looks effortlessly cool, and Dahyun sometimes wishes she was like her. «Oh. You’re early. How’d practice go?» Chaeyoung says, smiling, then playfully tosses a piece of crumpled paper at her.

Dahyun places the crumpled paper to the side, sighing. «Didn’t go.» She says quickly.

«What? Why not?» Chaeyoung asks as she straightens, casting a quick glance at Tzuyu who just shrugs her shoulders.

«Tired.» Dahyun replies quick as a whip and picks at her food with a spoon. She doesn’t raise her gaze to meet either Chaeyoung or Tzuyu’s.

«You seem kind of distracted lately.» Chaeyoung comments, then slumps back down into her seat.

«Because I’m tired.» Dahyun says, then begins to eat, eyes glued to the table.

Tzuyu shifts in the chair beside her, Dahyun imagines her biting her lip out of worry and picking at her fingers. It’s a habit Tzuyu’s been trying to break (but bad habits die hard). Dahyun just continues to eat.

«Is something bothering you? Or is someone bothering you?» Chaeyoung asks, and Dahyun can just hear the smirk on Chaeyoung’s lips.

«It’s nothing.» Dahyun shrugs, then finally looks up, sighing, she glimpses Chaeyoung, who’s short hair has fallen slightly in front of her eyes and Chaeyoung brushes it away with her hand. Tzuyu’s sitting beside her, eyes worried, and she’s still picking at her fingers and biting her lip.

«You know you can always talk to us, right? About anything, we won’t judge.» Chaeyoung says. It’s a valiant effort, but Dahyun knows she can trust her friends and therefore only nods. Then, Dahyun squeezes her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her head’s suddenly started throbbing. «Just, can we not talk about it, please?»

«Yeah, sure.» Chaeyoung says, but she doesn’t sound happy.

Tzuyu, who’s always been more of a listener rather than a talker, says something about how she looks forward to biology class because they’re going to dissect fish. Dahyun’s thankful for Tzuyu for redirecting the conversation — for understanding.

The trio discuss how small fish brains are, Chaeyoung and Dahyun make a silly bet that if any of them can get the brain out without damaging it, then the loser has to pay for the winners lunch for two days.

Dahyun’s head stops hurting. She enjoys their conversations, no matter how weird or how serious they might be. And now they’re talking about making a boat out of potato chip bags, because Chaeyoung had seen a meme of some guys doing it. Tzuyu looks scared, but then asks how many bags they would need. Dahyun laughs —real laughter that’s not meant to cover up the fact that she’s slowly falling apart.

Dahyun doesn’t think about it often, but the three of them fit well together, like peas in a pod, and Dahyun doesn’t want that to change, no, she wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

When the school bell rings, signifying the end of lunch, Chaeyoung asks:

«You guys still going to the party on Friday?»

Tzuyu nods.

Dahyun smiles. «Yeah.» She says. «I’ll go.»