Chapter 1

dancing

«Torch my soul, up in smoke, Heaven knows, Hell below.»

— Parson James

♫♩ ♫♩ ♫♩ ♫♩ 

Dahyun turns her head away from the dance floor and back to the keyboard. She splays her right hand, barely being able to reach an octave as her fingers uncomfortably stretch across eight white keys. She presses down her right hand, keeping her foot on the pedal. She begins the song with slow whole notes.

The song is soft at first, then it erupts, crescendos, bouncing off the walls of the gymnasium that is being used as tonight’s dance hall. Dahyun turns her gaze from the piano keys to the dance floor where she spots her friends dancing away, among them is Sana, the girl that is too nice for her own good, wearing a red dress that barely comes over her knees.

Dahyun shies away when Sana looks up at her sending her a goofy smile. Dahyun fumbles, looses the beat and the rhythm. The bassist and the guitarist turn to cast her angry looks. The song almost stops — almost. Dahyun pulls herself back into the song, feeling the melody slipping through her fingers, bobbing her head to the beat.

She continues playing without any further mistakes throughout the evening, living different songs, feeling different beats, and quietly humming different melodies. However, Dahyun is able to do all that because she has not looked up from her keyboard since her mistake, has not locked gazes with Sana who is enjoying herself on the dance floor.

Sana’s arms are high above her head, her eyes are shut, head tilted back. The music flows through her, Sana moves with it, swaying from side to side. When Dahyun gathers enough courage to look at the dance floor, she sees Sana, and her heart stops for a second, a minute, an hour, for eternity.

Then it starts up again with staccato beats, pounding wildly in her ears. Dahyun does not hear her bandmates arguing, does not see the people who turn towards her to give her irritated looks. Dahyun sees only Sana — Sana who is still dancing even though the music has stopped.

As the evening comes towards its end, the music stops and the lights come on, Dahyun slips away from the stage, out the backdoor and into the cold night. She wraps her black blazer tightly around her body, and stands by the door, frowning slightly. 

Dahyun remembers how difficult it had been to tell her friends at school that she’s different, because she knows, deep down, that the likes of her are not accepted, not really. But love and all things jovial is what her school promotes (but demotes at the same time), so it shouldn’t really have worried her that much.

Sometimes beliefs are stronger and mightier than common sense and human decency, which Dahyun thinks is cruel and ignorant in this day and age. She says another prayer while she looks up at the stars, and tells Him and herself that those who judge are those who judge, not an old book written 3500 years ago, not a deity residing somewhere far above her head.

Dahyun turns her head, seeing Sana and her group of friends through the cracked windows of the gymnasium. Dahyun straightens and unwraps her arms from her body when Sana’s gaze lands on her. Sana gives her a sweet smile making Dahyun’s cheeks burn a crimson red. Her heart nearly jumps out of Dahyun’s chest when she sees Sana walking out of the gymnasium and can only believe that Sana is going to meet her. Dahyun in a deep breath, patting down her blazer and tucking stray strands of hair behind her ears.

She nearly runs away when Sana opens the backdoor, greeting a very anxious Dahyun with a tender smile, but then Sana furrows her eyebrows in concern when she notices Dahyun shivering and shaking. Sana asks if she is cold.

Dahyun vigorously shakes her head. Sana laughs, a warm hearty laugh, and Dahyun laughs along with her, although softer, so that she might hear Sana a bit better. Sana tells her how Dahyun always seems a bit quiet and nervous around her.

It all seems like fun and games for Sana who is unaware of Dahyun’s situation, but for Dahyun it is utterly terrifying.

She shifts her weight from one leg to to the other, she closes her eyes for the shortest second and when she opens them, Sana is standing closer. Dahyun can smell her flowery perfume, see her dark gentle eyes boring into her own. When Dahyun lowers her gaze she sees Sana’s ruby red lips, and as her gaze drops she notices the juncture between Sana’s neck and shoulder.

Heat rises to Dahyun’s cheeks again, the tips of her ears turn a fiery red as well. She swallows her fears and pushes down her anxiety. She stands straighter, trying to convince herself that nothing of what she feels is real, and for some reason that is supposed to make things easier.

Sana leans away, confused. Dahyun thinks she sees hurt in Sana’s eyes, but she blinks it all away and continues to ignore the way her heart tugs at her veins, her arteries and her capillaries, controlling her like a puppet.

«I didn’t get to dance with you,» Sana says and places her hand on Dahyun’s shoulder, «I danced with the others while you were up on stage playing with the band.» Sana pouts.

The way Sana sticks out her bottom lip makes Dahyun’s knees go weak, and she places a hand on Sana’s shoulder in order to stay upright. Dahyun has a reply sitting on her tongue; yes, yes of course I’ll dance with you, but she can’t seem to open to say anything.

But when she does manage to part her lips, she sputters awkwardly, like a fool:

«Yes, we… we can dance now, if you want to, if you have time, if you, I mean— »

She feels as if her body is set aflame. Dahyun wants to disappear, to turn to ash, to remain as nothing but grey powder in Sana’s hands, but then Sana pulls her closer, making Dahyun panic.

Pushing away slightly, Dahyun quickly fumbles for something in her pocket. Sana stares at Dahyun as she takes a step backwards, consciously wrapping her arms around herself.

«If you don’t want to, Dahyun— »

«Music.» Dahyun blurts, «can’t dance without it.»

She pulls out her phone and her white earplugs, trying to put the plug into her phone with her shaking hands. Dahyun looks down at the ground while she offers one earplug to Sana.

«Please.»

Dahyun prays to Him that he will forgive her for indulging and giving in, but the last thing Dahyun wants to see is someone she cares about end up hurt.

For a moment Dahyun feels every thing crumbling down, but then she feels Sana’s fingertips brush against her outstretched hand as she takes the earplug. It sparks a certain desire in Dahyun, and Dahyun grows more confident.

She taps on a playlist and plays the first song. Sana’s pout forms into a smile and she hums along when she recognises the familiar beat and the romantic lyrics. With Dahyun’s hands on Sana’s waist, and Sana’s hands on Dahyun’s shoulders they sway to the music in the night under the scrutinising eyes of the stars.

Still, Dahyun has to tell herself that the sky isn’t watching, not really, and even though the ground under her is slowly crumbling from every wicked act she keeps committing (and she fears she might slip through the cracks to hell below), ironically, Sana is there to hold her up.

The earplugs fall out of their ears when they stand too far away from each other, so they move impossibly closer, until they feel each other’s breath hot against their skin.

Sana moves one of her hands to hold Dahyun’s, and they begin following the steps of a simple waltz, feeling the music as they turn and spin around each other. Sana leans down, resting her chin on Dahyun’s shoulder. Dahyun almost stops dancing — almost. 

She continues swaying steadily, despite her heart nearly jumping out of her chest. Dahyun tells herself to be brave (but Dahyun has never really been brave).

Burn me up, take me down, Dahyun whispers along with the song, keep the ashes from my heart and walk away. 

While Dahyun feels like she is standing at the crossroads of her own happiness and faith, she suddenly realises that it is not about believing or being, it’s about something else entirely. Therefore Dahyun squeezes Sana’s hand, afraid that this night might slip through her fingertips.