Chapter 3

want

«The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak.»

— Leigh Bardugo

♫♩ ♫♩ ♫♩ ♫♩ 

During lunchtime, Chaeyoung asks if Dahyun and Tzuyu can come with her to a party on Friday in two weeks because her crush will be there, and she doesn’t want to be on her own. Dahyun understands; being alone and feeling alone are two different things but neither are particularly welcome, so she nods her head and smiles, saying she’ll tag along.

Tzuyu doesn’t actually like parties — doesn’t really like big crowds — but she likes Chaeyoung a lot, so she bites her lip and says yes, she’ll go as well. Chaeyoung smiles brightly and thanks them, saying she owes them one. Tzuyu jokingly says that Chaeyoung should take them out to supper one night. Chaeyoung, surprisingly, agrees.

The cafeteria is overcrowded (it always is during lunchtime), chatter swirls around the trio like a hurricane. Elbows bump into elbows, and it’s difficult to not listen in on other’s conversations. Dahyun overhears some gossip and shakes her head, looking down at her tray of piping hot food.

She picks at her stew with a spoon. Chaeyoung asks if something is the matter. Dahyun says she hasn’t done her homework, which is true, but homework isn’t what makes Dahyun’s mind race, or takes her breath away, or makes her heart beat staccato, so it’s obviously not homework that’s bothering her.

Chaeyoung offers to help Dahyun get her work done before class begins, but Dahyun shakes her head, saying it doesn’t really matter. 

When Dahyun raises her head to look at Tzuyu, she accidentally looks at the table at the very back of the cafeteria where Sana, Momo, Mina, and three other girls are sitting. Dahyun recognises two of the girls: one of them is a member of the student council, the other girl sings in the local youth choir that Dahyun sometimes plays the piano for. Although, Dahyun doesn’t recognise the third girl with short hair.

Dahyun thinks it’s next to perfect that Tzuyu almost always sits right across from her during lunch, that way Dahyun can easily steal glances at Sana without getting caught (but sometimes Dahyun actually does get caught by Sana, and then she ends up looking down at the table, blushing).

Sana’s brown bangs frame her face perfectly, and they fall just above her dark eyes that are like stars and stardust. Dahyun watches as Sana lifts her eyebrows, almost in bewilderment, and bites her bottom lip. She leans over the table and says something that Dahyun can not hear.

She’s got that look on her face, as if she knows something that the others don’t, and Dahyun’s heart twists and turns, wanting to be let in on the secret. All the girls at Sana’s table laugh, clapping their hands together and nearly falling out of their seats.

Sana shrugs off her navy blue uniform blazer and drapes it over her chair, then she rolls up the sleeves of her white shirt to her elbows. Her legs are crossed underneath the table, and she’s twirling a lock of hair between her fingertips.

Dahyun thinks that Sana looks soft; like clouds, like cotton, like wool. And Dahyun knows that Sana owns a white sweater that she sometimes wears over her shirt, making her look infinitely softer, perfect for cold weather — but not winter weather that leaves one’s hands shaking and body shivering — no.

Sana is perfect for autumn, because then Sana switches from wearing white, soft sweaters to wearing leather jackets and turtlenecks. The look, the image of Sana wrapped up in a white leather jacket, trying to keep warm, makes Dahyun want to wrap a scarf around Sana and pull her close, so close that their noses bump, breaths mixing with the cold air.

Chaeyoung says something again, something that makes Tzuyu laugh, and Dahyun laughs with her, even though she didn’t hear the joke. It’s awkward, her friends look at her, not quite convinced.

«Are you okay?» Chaeyoung asks, bemused, one eyebrow raised.

Dahyun just nods because it’s always easier to go with the flow than swim against the current.

What Chaeyoung and Tzuyu don’t know is that Dahyun’s mind is nowadays almost always occupied by thoughts of Sana. Dahyun’s world has been turned upside down, stars have been replaced by flowers, clouds have been replaced by grass — the ground sparkles and the sky is green.

Dahyun doesn’t even understand why Sana is in her head, moving things around, messing things up, making Dahyun question her sanity.

Then there’s the urge, the itch, the want, that Dahyun just can’t ignore. She looks past Tzuyu. Sana’s hair shines — radiant — her smile glows. And Dahyun continues to watch Sana, even though Tzuyu is talking to her.

Chaeyoung’s tugging on Dahyun’s sleeve snaps Dahyun out of her trance.

«Why do you keep looking at their table?»

She wants to say that it’s Sana; it’s because of Sana and Sana’s starry eyes. They draw Dahyun in, down, under, over — they pull her into a world of bewilderment, where night is day and day is night. There have been countless times that Dahyun has wondered if she actually has a crush on Sana.

But of course it’s not a crush.

Dahyun knows it’s not (despite always wondering), she’s just too afraid to admit that it might me something else.

So she pretends; because pretending is easier than being real and honest.

«I don’t know.» says Dahyun in such a hopeless way that Chaeyoung doesn’t pry any further.

She looks past Tzuyu again, telling herself that this will be the last time.

To Dahyun’s surprise; Sana is looking right at her. She isn’t smiling. She isn’t smirking. She isn’t waving. Sana doesn’t even wink (which she does sometimes when she catches Dahyun watching her). She just stares, and stares, and stares, to the point that Dahyun wonders if she has something on her face.