Chapter 6

Grieg: Norwegian Dance Op. 35, No.2

«I am hitting my head against the wall, but the wall is giving way.»

— Gustav Mahler

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«You know,» says Nayeon, a bit frustrated, «I think you’re stressed. Definitely stressed. You wanna tell me?»

Dahyun stops playing. She looks up. Nayeon’s watching her, eyes narrowed.

«No.» Dahyun chuckles quietly, shaking her head. «I’m not stressed.»

«I’ve heard you play that piece for fun a thousand times. But it sounded like you were stressing the entire time. Either you skipped some notes, or you just ignored them… That’s not you, Dahyun. So, you wanna tell?» Nayeon leans carefully on the keyboard, grinning widely at Dahyun.

Dahyun bites her lip, furrows her brow, then shakes her head. «No, not really.» She goes back to playing, something a bit somber this time, not as jumpy as the previous piece.

«Then can we go back to practicing? The Christmas performance is in a week, and I really just want to get it over with.» Nayeon says with a huff.

Nayeon’s the girl who sings in the local youth choir. She’s loud, has really pretty white teeth and a sweet smile. Dahyun thinks she’s nice as well, but a bit too cute, and Dahyun wonders if she acts like that for show. But then again, Dahyun’s not really Nayeon’s friend, so she’s not one to judge. Nayeon’s  actually Sana’s friend, so it was difficult for Dahyun to tell Nayeon no when she’d asked if she could be her accompanist for the Christmas performance.

«Yeah, sure.» Dahyun says, preparing herself.

They play through the song, missing some notes, Dahyun rushes, Nayeon falls behind, they don’t end at the same time. Dahyun leans back, running a hand through her hair. She closes her eyes and sighs.

«That was… .» Nayeon admits with a smile and a laugh.

Dahyun agrees, then apologises. She look at her watch, seeing that their practice session is almost over, Dahyun’s next class begins in fifteen minutes. Dahyun turns off the keyboard, puts it back safely in the corner, grabs her music and stuffs it into her backpack. She says goodbye to Nayeon over her shoulder.

«Hey, Dahyun.» Nayeon calls out before Dahyun’s able to escape the room. «I know we’re not close, and I understand why you might not want to talk to me about it. But I won’t tell. Think of me as a… wall? Yeah, a wall that you can talk to without worrying it’ll reply, or say anything, or —you get what I mean.»

Dahyun raises an eyebrow, but she recognises Nayeon’s valiant and noble effort of friendship. Dahyun drops her backpack on the floor and leans agains the wall, arms crossed over her chest. She shuts her eyes tightly, pinching the bridge of her nose.

«I think I have a crush on one of your friends.» Dahyun admits out loud for the first time. «And it’s really confusing.»

At this point, Dahyun says it’s a crush. Because she’s too afraid to admit it might be more. Saying it’s a crush feels ‘safe’. Saying it’s something else might be dangerous. But even so, it feels good to have said it out loud. If anything’s stuck too long inside one’s head, it starts to mess things up.

Dahyun has this strange feeling in her chest, like her heart’s finally been heard, like that weight on her shoulders has lifted slightly. But the fear’s still there, it’s like she’s stuck in the middle of the ocean without a compass to guide her home.

Nayeon’s looking at her, eyes wide with shock.

Dahyun shakes her head, feeling like she just did something terribly bad, and goes to pick up her backpack.

«Really?» Nayeon screams, grabbing Dahyun’s arm. Dahyun yelps when Nayeon pulls at her arm while jumping up and down. «Oh my gosh, really? Who is it?» Nayeon’s smiling gleefully, like she knows something Dahyun doesn’t.

Suddenly, Nayeon reminds Dahyun of Sana — Sana’s got that same look, like she holds the entire universe in the palms of her hands and the universe immediately yields its secrets to her. But Sana’s got that spark in her eyes, and all Nayeon’s got right now is that mischievous look on her face as she clings to Dahyun’s arm, begging for her to drop a name.