“Then go ahead… it’s as easy as holding my hand.”

The words carried the same somberness as the dark streets outside the mansion. The low resounding bass of the music still blasting from the house occasionally escaped to reach your ears like the thumping of your own heart.  

“Y/N, I don’t want to hurt you… I…”, he tried.  

“Then what do you want? What are you trying to do?”, you demanded as you lowered your hand.  

There was an uncertainty and awkwardness to the entire situation. What did he want exactly? What is there to explain? And what were you upset about?  

A light beamed into your face out of nowhere, you looked behind Jungkook. A car stopped at the roadside, and Mirae alighted from it. Perfect.  

You stalked past Jungkook who stood like he was stuck to that patch of asphalt.  

Mirae watched you come up to her and curiously asked, “You’re leaving now?” You nodded minimally, without even stopping, you quickly got into the cab. She took another look at Jungkook who still had his back facing her before she got in after you.  

He could hear it. The car was leaving; you were leaving.  

—

Jungkook’s vision was hazy the next morning as he opened his eyes. He blinked it away and stared up at the ceiling facing him. He doesn’t remember how much he drank last night, he doesn’t remember where he is now.

He inhaled the cold air around him, and it hurts. He exhaled the warm air from his lungs, and it hurts. This wasn’t abnormal, he feels it all the time. He never knew why, it just became like this overtime.  

“Then what do you want? What are you trying to do?”, he heard your voice, as though it came from a dream that he doesn’t remember dreaming.  

He gradually recalled last night. He stopped breathing, but it still hurts. It felt like someone stuck a bunch of band-aids on his insides, and now, they were being peeled off one by one. He raised his arm to rest it over his eyes, his cheekbone below his left eye felt sore.  

Something else flooded back into his mind. He was storming back through the gates in the dark night when he saw Hoseok coming out to meet him in the garden. Before Hoseok could say anything, Jungkook marched up to him and punched him right in the face, causing him to tumble onto the grass.  

Hoseok looked at him in utter shock, Jungkook has never once really punched him despite often threatening to do so. And then Hoseok stood up and fought back, his fist landing at the spot which was now probably bruised.  

“What? We gonna fight cause of some girl now? What in the world is wrong with you?”, Hoseok said angrily while lunging at Jungkook again.  

“What in the world is wrong with us. It’s not each other we are fighting”, Jungkook said with a cold expression, so cold that Hoseok stopped dead in his tracks and could only silently watch as Jungkook stomped past him back into the house.

In the present, Hoseok came to look for Jungkook and he finally realizes that he was lying on the bed in Hoseok’s guest room.

“I’m grateful you didn’t barf in here”, Hoseok walked further in and leaned against the cupboard as Jungkook managed to get his hungover body to sit up on the edge of the bed.  

“You alright?”, Hoseok asked, somewhat reminding Jungkook of you and making him feel instantaneously worse.  

“Not really”, Jungkook was rubbing his forehead with his thumbs.  

After a moment of silence, Hoseok uttered, “I don’t understand what’s going on with you, so… should I be apologising for yesterday? Or are we cool?”

It wasn’t really Hoseok’s fault, Jungkook knows as much and he did already punch him once.  

—

Maybe some things just don’t change. Hoseok called him again that night, hollering at him over the phone about this new club he was at, how amazing it was and demanding Jungkook to join him.  

“Not interested!”, Jungkook yelled back into the phone, mostly so that Hoseok could hear him.  

“What now? You gonna change your spots? Let me tell you something my leopard friend, people don’t change just because they want to! You think you can change who you are for someone else? That doesn’t last!”, Hoseok shouted back through the phone.  

Jungkook hung up and headed downstairs to the kitchen to get some water, still feeling his hangover. He stopped halfway down the stairs as he found his father walking through the living room, within earshot range from the guest room. Even from where Jungkook stood he could hear his mother with another male voice in there. The tabloid reports clearly had little deterrent effect.  

His father looked up at him, “you are home early today”, he said quizzically.  

Jungkook stared at his father, that same feeling continuously brewing within him with each breath he took, “you are home early too, Dad”.  

“Oh no, I just came home to get this”, raising up a black folder, “got to get back to the office now”, he said scrunching his face into a jokingly annoyed frown.  

“I see… Don’t work yourself too hard”, one end of Jungkook’s lips was raising marginally, trying so hard to pretend that everything was ok. His father just smiled back at him and turned to leave.  

The voices from the guest room down the hall bounced off the walls of the living room, but the emptiness of his departure was more resounding. Ever since Jungkook could remember anything, this was how it had always been. How do you even begin to change something, to change someone?  

—

Jungkook walked into the club, immediately attracting much attention. The same kind of music was blaring into his ears, lights flashing into his eyes and human bodies bumping into his sides.

Numerous girls tried to approach him, but he stood alone, hands hanging over the bars on the second-floor platform overlooking the dance floor below, waiting for Hoseok to get him a drink. He was eyeing one flirtatious young woman who was sitting at a table with a gang of well-built men, men who were much older than she was.  

She caught him looking at her from time to time and she whispered something into her companion’s ears before standing up to walk away. As she pranced up the stairs towards where Jungkook was, her eyes occasionally met his, but when she reached the top landing, he wasn’t to be seen.  

Out of nowhere, he suddenly appeared behind her, pulled her into a corner behind a crowd of people and her back slammed against the concrete wall. He barricaded her against the wall by putting up his arms on both sides of her head.  

“Looking for someone?”, he asked her smugly but coldly.  

“Weren’t you the one looking for me?”  

He smirked at her, “I was and do you know why?”  

“Why not you show me why”, she said with such typical suggestiveness.  

It was still as easy as before. She started to put her arms around his neck, closed her eyes, ready for contact. His eyes were half-lidded, looking at her with contempt. Just as their lips were about to meet, Jungkook tilted his head away from her.  

“You are so easy”, he whispered.  

Her eyes dart open. “What did you just say?”  

As abruptly as every other part of this night, some guy grabbed Jungkook by his arm and pushed him away from the woman he cornered. “What the heck do you think you are doing?”, he hissed at the woman first, his arms filled with large tattoos which looked like clichés.  

“What? He flirted with me first”, she replied in a ty way.  

He turned to look at Jungkook, pushing his tongue against the inside of his cheeks. “You think you can just go around messing with other people’s woman, huh?”

“It’s not my problem if your woman is more than willing to be messed with by me”, Jungkook taunted.  

The man started to nod with a threatening vibe, “Is that what you think? Are you just asking to be taught a lesson, you little ?” By this time, the rest of the entourage had assembled upon the scene and Jungkook just looked at them with satisfaction.  

He sneered arrogantly, prompting the first man to take a swing at his face, which he effortlessly avoided. That pissed them off more and they started to come at Jungkook together. It devolved into a mess – there was shouting, cursing, punching and kicking everywhere. Jungkook primarily took a defensive stance, but he crumbled to the ground after something hit him hard on his head. He started to hear Hoseok calling his name somewhere in the mix of noises and slowly he drifted off into unconsciousness.  

—

When he woke up, he was at the hospital, Hoseok standing at the end of his bed talking to two policemen. Jungkook tirelessly got up but every movement was accompanied by searing pain.

“Oh my gosh, you are awake! What the happened? They said you started the fight but I’m asking the club to give us the cctv footage”, Hoseok said as he ran towards Jungkook who tried to get off the bed.  

“Where are they?”, Jungkook asked.  

“Those bastards who beat you up? They are at the police station, duh. None of them needed to come to the hospital because you freaking didn’t manage to hit anyone. I honestly thought you were better at this man”, Hoseok just being Hoseok.  

“Hi Mr Jeon, when you are discharged, we will require your attendance at the station. For now, we will just ask you a few questions here”, one of the policemen said.  

“I can go with you now”, Jungkook solemnly replied.  

“Woah woah, I don’t think so, can you just lie back down please”, Hoseok raised both hands looking like he wanted to push Jungkook right back onto the hospital bed.  

“I’m fine, let’s go.”  

—

As Jungkook entered the police station, the gang of his attackers grew noisier trying to claim that they only hit Jungkook because he provoked them and they were already intoxicated.  

“But you see, this boy here is injured badly and none of you are injured at all! If no one is going to apologise to him and if he isn’t willing to settle this matter, we will have to charge all of you for assault!”, yelled a policeman at the squabbling men while slamming the desk with a stack of paper.  

“Yeah! Do you know who he is, you better watch out for his lawyers coming after all of you! You won’t have a left to say after they are done with you!”, Hoseok chimed in by shouting much to the annoyance of the police officer.  

They kept their traps shut finally, deliberating their options.  

“I provoked them. Let’s settle this. I will apologise”, Jungkook suddenly said soberly as he sat in one of the swiveling chairs propping his head up with one finger, trying not to touch any of the bruises on his face.  

Hoseok was wrong, Jungkook changed. It was no longer about how much he could hurt others, it was about how much he wanted them to hurt him.  

—

As they left the police station it started to rain, Hoseok sent Jungkook home that night. Jungkook pretended to be asleep in the car and Hoseok was not minded to expose him for that. When they reached the porch of Jungkook’s house, Hoseok took out a package wrapped in kraft paper. The wrapping was crushed, and there was a tiny card hanging from the twine that went around.  

“I was contemplating whether to pass it to you… but I guess, you’ll probably want it”, Hoseok mumbled.  

Jungkook sat on his bed and glanced at the card unwillingly, “Happy birthday, you didn’t choose anything from the store so I picked one for you. Y/N”. Carefully opening the package, it revealed that album he saw you pick out the other day. He looked around his room and there wasn’t even a CD player. There was one downstairs though, but he hated the entirety of downstairs.  

So, he walked out into the rain, across the garden to the driveway where the cars were parked. He unlocked one with the key he grabbed near the door and got in. His hair and clothes were almost drenched, the rain continued to fall rather silently on the windshield. He put the CD into the player and just sat there. 

♫ “Do you feel the pain?  

This pain I felt through you.  

As if I always knew,  

the words  

I never say to you…

somehow.  

These words that remain nothing.” ♫

The rain drops from his hair fell onto his face, slightly stinging the lacerations he got from earlier.  

—

You were sure your eyes were still puffy as you were walking to school despite the crying happening two nights ago.

Mirae had probed into what happened when both of you were in the taxi but you told her it was nothing and that you wanted to leave the party because you were feeling unwell, again. Maybe you were just physically programmed not to enjoy such boisterous events. You didn’t want to worry your friends over nothing, and you also didn’t want Namjoon to find out about any of this, just to avoid having him tell you off for letting yourself be played by Jungkook.  

Nevertheless, the truth of it was that Jungkook had succeeded in what he set out to do. You were hurt, more than you ever imagined you would be by him. You definitely knew that you were not going to devolve into one of his playthings. So, what did you want? What were you trying to do?  

As you approached the school gates, dragging your feet inattentively, your path was cut off by someone. His dark blue denim jacket swaying almost hitting your forehead, you could smell his recognisable scent. You looked up to see his face filled with cuts and bruises.  

“Y/N can we just talk for a minute? I’m sorry for… everything. And there are somethings I have to say, although everything is really messed up right now.”

Your face was expressionless at first but broke into the slightest warm smile, “Sure, but first, what happened to you, why are you injured so badly?”, you were almost cooing at him and your eyes were shimmering vaguely.  

You raised up a hand towards one of his bruises. As though he has developed a reflex after all this time, he moves one step backwards to avoid your touch, almost bumping into another student walking by.

“Don’t. It will hurt you.”

“It’s ok…”, you voice chimed gently, “I know you won’t hurt me…”

You reached out your hand further. He was worried yet he was hopeful that you were actually still concerned about him.  

“… because I won’t give you another chance to. So save it, whatever you want to say, I don’t want to hear it”, you sapped out all emotion from your voice without altering your tone a notch, and you lowered your hand away from his face.  

“Why?”, your speech sharply took a mockingly sinister turn as you observed his expression change, “are you the only one allowed to play around with someone’s feelings?”  

When your words fell, his eyes looked like it held an entire universe that had burnt out within it – the look of pained decimation and regrettable death.  

You had changed too; you were able to feel the pain without even touching him now, you felt it just by looking at him now. There was no telling whether the pain stemmed from him or from within yourself.  

—

They say people change, either because they learnt a lot or because they have been hurt too many times. For Jungkook and you, which was which?