“If that will make you feel less lonely, then take my hand.”

Jungkook’s mind was still processing but it clearly wasn’t fast enough, his mechanisms weren’t working and his resolve weakened as he looked at your outstretched hands, palms opened for him to take.  

“Go”, he suddenly muttered, when he regained his ability to say anything.  

You didn’t move a muscle. He rested his forehead on his propped-up hands.  

“I said leave, now. I want to be alone”, he was starting to sound annoyed, his frivolous exterior dissolving slowly.  

—

The next two days Jungkook stayed far away from you, so far you suspected he might have left the country. He’s probably pissed off. After putting in all that effort, and that was all he got from you. He’s probably over this phase now.

But after all this time, you started to rear a little monster within you. The monster was tiny and it made you wish that he would not cut you off entirely at the end of the day.  

—

His birthday finally came around. Jungkook’s handphone was abuzz with texts raining in from people who barely knew him. At their school lair, he started to type out a message to you:

“Hey Y/N, sorry for ghosting you the past few days. I know it’s sudden but today’s actually my birthday. Hoseok’s having a party for me…”

His fingers were incapable of continuing, he only ended up throwing down his phone and walking out for some fresh air. Hoseok who was busy playing with his new laptop looked up when the door slammed behind Jungkook, noticing the unsent message on the phone.  

Jungkook has been obviously frustrated the past few days. He wasn’t talking about you. To be fair, he wasn’t talking much at all. Hoseok knows Jungkook couldn’t care less about the reports of his mother. The problem seems to be you then.  

What’s so difficult about this, about you? It was unlike Jungkook to drag things out for this long, were you making things difficult? He’ll have to see it for himself.

—

There was merely one bookstore in the mall, but Hoseok only managed to find it after three laps around the first floor.  

“Hi Y/N! Took me sooo long to find this place even though I come here almost every other day. Anyway, did you know that today is Jungkook’s birthday?”, he bounced up to you in such an upbeat manner as though this wasn’t the first time the two of you were speaking to each other.  

It was? What’s Hoseok doing here though?

“I’m organising a party for him tonight, come over if you can?”

“I’m not really into parties”, you replied after hesitating for a brief second, “but thanks for letting me know, send him my wishes.”

Hoseok was quick on the uptake, he assesses the situation and searched for a move suitable for your type; a tactical decision was made.  

“He’s not been feeling that great after the situation about his mother. He hasn’t been talking to anyone these past few days. But he used to say so much about you and how you were different from the other girls. Maybe you changed something in him? That’s why I guess… I just thought if you could come… since I wanted him to feel better on his birthday.”

He always seemed more like a comedic character amongst others. You were not quite sure whether this kind of sincerity in his speech was normal or otherwise.  

“Think about it ok? I know it could be asking for too much if you don’t like parties, but if I never tried, I wouldn’t know~”, he shrugged at you. “See you if I see you then”, he waved as he swerved around, like a rapper leaving the stage while dropping his mic.

—

“Maybe you changed something in him?”  

That was all that resounded in your mind the entire afternoon following Hoseok’s visit. You wandered around the bookstore aimlessly, working, but not quite.  

The prospect that it could be true is not high, you constantly reminded the small monster within you. But the fact that he even talked to Hoseok about you made the monster flutter ever so subtly.  

“I’m thinking of going to Jungkook’s birthday party tonight… haven’t made up my mind about it. But any of you free tonight?”, you texted in your group chat with Mirae and Namjoon.  

“I can’t believe this. At least Mirae forced us to go to a party on her own birthday. What’s this?”, Namjoon replied almost immediately.  

It didn’t take long before Mirae also replied, “NJ stop being a grumpy old grandpa.. I can go with you Y/N! NJ just tell us whether you are coming or not?”

“I’m giving tuition till late tonight remember… but I’ll call you girls once I’m done, just in case you need me to go pick you two up.” Kim Namjoon – the only one that complains every single time but still cares more than anyone else ever would.  

Mirae and you decided to meet directly at Hoseok’s house later. Once that was settled, you looked around the store, you did promise to get Jungkook something from here the last time. He may not remember, but seems like a good excuse to do it today.

—

Mirae was running late. She was coming from her parent’s place all the way at the other end of town and there was a massive jam somewhere.  

You waited for her outside the gates leading to Hoseok’s mansion for a good twenty minutes, and then she told you she expects to be reaching in another ten. It was getting too attention-attracting and cold to continue standing there.  

It’s just ten minutes, you’ll be fine. Like Mirae said before, most people at the party should be enjoying themselves. After years of dealing with your condition, it wasn’t that daunting anymore. Plus, eventually you needed to learn how to deal with parties alone, and you probably should start having confidence that you can handle this somehow.  

You glided very carefully through the entrance of the house. A guy bumped into you when his friend jokingly pushed him too hard, a girl tripped on herself and grabbed your upper arms for support. You actually didn’t feel anything. Parties must make people happy indeed. But you knew one guy who still felt pain even when he was at parties.  

—

As you entered the colossal living room that seems more like a club now, you looked around hoping to find anyone you knew. A flight of winding stairs led up to a loft-like lounge area above the bar counter, surrounded by a short wall made of glass. There was a leather sofa aligned against the glass wall.  

Jungkook was sitting on it and all you could see was his back leaning into the sofa and half his face. A girl was sitting close to him, she rested her chin on his shoulders and the tip of her nose was almost touching his cheeks. Their arms extended around each other, his fingers very lightly her hair.  

Well, that resolves one doubt. Nothing has changed.  

“Heyyyy Y/N! You are here! I’m so glad you came”, Hoseok was walking up to you and you could barely hear him through the cloud of music. You were glad to at least have him coming up to welcome you.  

“Oh, you even got Jungkook a present? Let me get that out of your hands”, he said while taking the well-wrapped package from you. He tossed it onto a pile of presents, big and small, forming a molehill next to a long table with a huge cake set up on it.  

“Can I get you a drink?”, he asked.  

“It’s ok, I’m good.”  

“To be honest I expected you would come, but I’m surprised you came alone”, he marveled but you didn’t bother to clarify. He started spinning his head around, looking for someone or something.

“Ah! There he is”, he exclaimed when he finally located Jungkook. This time, you didn’t look up. Hoseok could sense it, you already saw.  

“Oh, I guess he’s busy. That girl’s not even really his type, it probably wouldn’t take long”, he turned back to look at you, “hmm… well I guess you aren’t really his type either, but I’ve heard that you are very different.” Your stare started to fill with some wariness.  

“What do you mean…? Wait, don’t be mistaken, we are just friends…”, you begin to explain.  

“Now now, don’t need to be all defensive, Jungkook doesn’t just be ‘friends’ with any girl”, he cut you off promptly, “but that’s between you and him, I don’t really care. What I do care about is this burning question I’ve had… you know, about that superpower of yours? I heard that you can sense what we feel? Like all of it? Do I have to touch you somewhere in particular? Let’s be honest, it’s really just a party trick to get our attention, right?”

Incredulity grew in your eyes. Was this what he thought or was this what he was told?  

“Think of it however you want to, but I definitely don’t want any attention from the likes of you”, you sniped faintly.

“Wow… we do like our girls feisty sometimes. Ok, never mind if you don’t wanna answer those. How about you tell me this instead… what does Jungkook feel like then?”, he asked with a cheeky grin.  

You knew what Hoseok was trying to get at but you were not playing his game.  

“You should know if you are really his best friend. Isn’t that why he’s like this?”, you tilted your head ever so slightly towards where Jungkook was sitting. “Does he actually think that doing all this will make him feel better? Does it make him happy? Or does he just want to momentarily forget what he’s feeling?”  

Hoseok’s expression turned curious, but he scoffed softly as he dropped his eyes down towards the ground, his voice faintly morphing.  

“Mmmm good answer but I’m still not very convinced. And that’s where all of you are wrong about him. It’s not about what he feels. It’s about what he makes others feel.”  

The music in the house was loud but your mind was louder. You finally started to see the point. It wasn’t to seek pleasure or relief from what he felt. The point, was to make everyone else feel the pain too.  

Your breathing turned quicker and you looked up towards where Jungkook was sitting again. The girl was caressing his hands now, smiling and speaking into his ears. He seemed to be listening to her but the focus in his eyes was distant.  

Hoseok caught you looking up at them and his usual cavalier tone returned, “See, it’s easy for him, he can make anyone like him, whether he was truly sincere about it or not. I thought you wouldn’t fall for it though, maybe? You have superpowers after all…”

You felt something snap, and you suddenly remembered, you are everyone else too.  

“But then again, you’re still standing here now aren’t you, even though you don’t like parties. How do I go about believing that you really have superpowers when at the end of the day…”, his words trailed off, like he was lost in his own thoughts, and then it suddenly returned at full force, “I really was rooting for you! But it always turns out the same. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this actually, or maybe I’m just feeling the two tequilas I just had. Could you tell me what I’m feeling~~”

Hoseok took a few steps towards you, stretching out his hands.  

“Stay away, don’t touch me”, your words were stern.  

“Ooohh… You really bring out the competitive spirit in people, don’t you?”, he chuckled as he continued to inch closer to you.  

You had been backing away from him and suddenly your back hit something, it fell, tripping the next step you took backwards, and you too fell on top of it.  

“Oh , that’s a very expensive lamp. Come on, I was just joking around… I was only going to grab your shoulders! Would that make you feel things too? You’re really going through with this act huh, hahah”, he was kind of condescending even when this was all his fault.  

You sat on the ground, in defeat. Your heart beating furiously, as if pumping out tears.  

“I’m not sure if I should be helping you up now, you know”, Hoseok said smugly, although he still reached out a hand for you to take.  

You closed your eyes and clenched your jaw. Having grown up dealing with other people’s wounds, you have developed a habit of trying to restrain anything you felt, you would persuade yourself that you were not really feeling them, that these feelings were not yours. But it wasn’t that easy when you knew clearly that this was your own feelings.  

—

Jungkook heard a crash coming from downstairs, he turned to look down over the shoulders of the girl he was flirting with. He squinted at the person sitting on top of a fallen lamp in the living room. Was that you? How did you…

He noticed Hoseok standing there too, reaching out his hand to help you up. Jungkook’s brain raced to connect the dots. Oh . Jung Hoseok. No… no.

Jungkook bolted up from his seat, the random girl grabbing onto his arms desperately. In contrast, he effortlessly flicked away her hands, but the challenge was running down the stairs that was stuffed with half-drunken people.  

His eyes never left you. But before he could reach the bottom of the stairs, he saw you get up from the ground and walk towards the door. When he finally made his way into the living room, you were no longer there.  

“Heyyy birthday boyyy, she came!”, Hoseok was shouting as he pranced over to Jungkook. “It’s all the same, dude, and I just helped you…”, he paused sharply when Jungkook turned to look at him with fire in his eyes.  

Jungkook said nothing to him, he needed to get to you first.  

—

You were walking down the street leading away from Hoseok’s house, glad that your legs were on auto-pilot and still strong enough to take you away. Your mind was a mess thinking about everything, and you felt another blast of tears pumped out in a heartbeat.  

“Y/N! Y/N!”, Jungkook shouted once he got through the gates and spotted you, but you soldiered on determinedly.  

He dashed in your direction, overtaking and stopping right in front of you. “Y/N”, he was panting, “what happened just now? Why are you here? What did Hoseok say to you?”

The moment you looked up he figured Hoseok must have said all their usual things. “What shouldn’t he have said to me?”, you snapped silently.  

“Fine, I’ll take it that he told you everything he knows. But it’s not everything. Listen…”

“No. You listen”, you cut his words. “Don’t just grow older, Jungkook, grow up.”  

His eyes hardened and tone stiffened. “Grow up? From what? From being trash, a jerk, a playboy? Is that what you think I am too?”

“Isn’t that what you want me to think you are? So that you can go around thrashing everyone’s feelings and then conveniently hide behind these disguises?”  

“Alright…  you aren’t entirely wrong, but it’s not like that with you… will you please just…”, he tried to calm down the situation.

“Right, I’m different, I was told. Did you think I can sense all your disingenuous feelings if you touched me? Was it fun, like some kind of new challenge for you?”  

He didn’t deny it. In fact, neither of you spoke for a while.  

“I can’t”, you suddenly murmured, “I can only feel someone’s pain.” You let out a huff of laughter filled with mockery.  

“Does it feel unfair to you that it seems like only you are dealing with those feelings and nobody else have to? Is that why you just want to hurt everyone else? Do you know how unfair it is for me then? Do you know how much I hate it? That I am vulnerable and constantly subjected to even a stranger’s pain.  

Like yours, I felt yours too. And I started to wonder why you always felt like that. And I thought that maybe you were not what everyone said you were. I never wanted you to like me. But… I never thought…” 

You didn’t quite finish the sentence, shaking your head slightly.

“It would have been better if I just remembered you as a pesky playboy. But it’s worse now knowing that you weren’t just trying to make me like you. You wanted me to like you so that you can crush all of that and watch me suffer?”  

“Y/N, it’s not like that… not anymore…”, his voice sounding increasingly weak, as if he knew he was losing ground in this argument.  

“You know, you really didn’t have to go through all that trouble for me. If all you wanted was to hurt me…”, your voice was barely audible, but you glared into his eyes and lifted your hand.

“Then go ahead… it’s as easy as holding my hand.”  

This time, he just felt his chest collapse violently. How did it become this way? He was supposed to be the player, you were supposed to be the game. But he finally sees it now, that he had already lost, because he had become afraid to win the game.