“But doing these hurts me a hell lot, so hurt a hell lot like me.”

Jungkook turned around to look at you, you were on the brink of tears. He took each step carefully as he walked back towards you, like he was treading a really thin layer of ice. He wanted to tell you not to cry, to not feel hurt. But how could he when he knew who exactly it was that made you this way. He wanted to hold you. But how could he when he knows fully well what you would feel if he did that.  

All his life he lived with that same feeling; he ignored it, he tried to tame it, he tried everything - and more often than not his attempts sought a physical escape. And now, he cannot comprehend, how is it that a girl he couldn’t even touch was stirring so much emotion within him?

“Y/N’s friend!”, the moment was abruptly broken. “Haven’t seen you around these few days. I didn’t even manage to catch your name the last time”, your store manager walked up, once again intercepting the conversation.  

“You can just call me Jungkook, Mr. Hwang.”

Your manager was caught by surprise, “How did you know my surname?”

“I overhead it when you were speaking to the nurse that day.” Contrary to popular belief, Jungkook isn’t as inattentive as he would have others believe him to be.  

“Right. So, Jungkook, will you be joining the dinner at Yunsu’s place on Friday?”

“I’m sorry but what dinner? And who is Yunsu?”, Jungkook asked, his confusion evident.  

“Y/N, you haven’t told him about it?”  

The mood between the two of you now was definitely not the right one to be casually inviting him over to someone else’s dinner.  

“Ummm… I was eventually going to tell him about it…”, you stuttered.  

Your store manager habitually wrestled the conversation out of your hands, “You remember the pregnant lady from last time? She wants to thank us for our help, so she’s inviting us to a small gathering. She specifically requested to invite you of course, after all that you did for her that day.”  

“I didn’t do much…”, he looked between your manager and you with his unblinking eyes, and cautiously said, “I think it’s better if I don’t go.”  

You sighed a tiny sigh, “You should come, Yunsu will feel bad if you don’t.”  

—

“Y/N, what exactly happened between you and Jungkook?”, Mirae asked you almost as a filler to the lack of conversation over lunch. Namjoon looked up at you as he continued to diligently chew on his food.

The sudden questioning had you stunned, “Huh? Why are you suddenly asking that?”

“I’m curious too. Maybe he really did something and she beat him up”, Namjoon chimed in.  

“That is not what happened”, you narrowed your eyes at Namjoon.  

“Ahhh, so something did happen”, Mirae deduced, “what is it?”  

You were caught in the headlights again, “Huh? No… that’s not what I meant. Nothing happened, why do you guys think that something happened between us?”  

“Ever since Jungkook’s birthday party, the two of you have been acting weirdly around each other, something must have happened for the both of you to have changed like that”, Mirae was like an inspector interrogating you and you could see Namjoon nodding.   

“Pfft, what could possibly change? Anyway, how would you know if anything’s changed, how do you even tell such things?”, you questioned with a roll of your eyes. But your question was not only aimed at Mirae, it was for yourself too.  

“What do you mean how do we know it? We know it because we can feel it. It’s so freaking obvious, I think I can literally smell something burning in the atmosphere between you two”, Namjoon rebuked.  

“That’s too dramatic Namjoon, but yes Y/N, it’s so obvious that even if you don’t tell us we can feel that something is going on”, Mirae said while holding her hand up and Namjoon high-fived her without even so much as look at her hand and he shoves another spoonful of rice into his mouth.  

“Looking at the two of you like this, I think I can smell something going on between you two as well…”, you leaned closer to the both of them making sniffing noises.  

Namjoon swallowed his mouthful of food and turned sharply to Mirae, “Is there something going on between us?”, he asked gapingly.  

“Keep wishing Kim Namjoon…”, Mirae answered him in her most deadpan tone. 

—

You were supposed to visit Yunsu after work that day. Before you ended work, you were wrecking your brains trying to pick out a suitable book from the children’s section as a gift for her. Your mind couldn’t help gravitating towards that one book, but it was clearly not suited for toddlers. Oh well, never mind, even if it’s not suitable now, she will be able to read it when she is older.  

You extracted a copy from the shelf, and opened to one of the illustrated pages again. Even though this book was a children’s book, the lessons went way beyond:

Piglet: “How do you spell ‘love’?” 
Pooh: “You don’t spell it… you feel it.”

—

By the time you reached Yunsu’s place, she had already started preparing dinner. Your manager and you brought some tonics for Yunsu and you gave her the book for Ri-ah. Ri-ah was happily lying in her cradle, you started playing peek-a-boo with her while your manager offered to help out in the kitchen.  

The doorbell rang and this time it was Jungkook. But he wasn’t alone, there were another three of four guys in uniform behind him. They carried into the house what looked like the entire section of a supermarket – cartons of milk powder, diapers, baby clothes and toys.  

“I didn’t know which one to get so…”, he said and then he squeezed his lips tightly together in a sheepish way.  

So typical of him to just get everything when he didn’t know what the recipient would like, you thought to yourself.  

Dinner was great, Yunsu was a surprisingly good cook. Jungkook didn’t say much during dinner, choosing instead to listen to Yunsu’s story, which she recounted for his benefit. A conversation then ensued about her childbirth process which started getting a bit too morbid for you and Yunsu and your manager laughed at how you were starting to look all queasy.  

“I’ll help wash the dishes”, Jungkook suddenly said, he was afraid you would notice his attempt to break up the conversation but he was more concerned whether you were looking squeamish because you remembered the feeling from when Yunsu held onto you that day.    

“Oh no no no, a young master like you shouldn’t be stepping foot in the kitchen. Just stay here and make sure Yunsu is not tiring herself out more.”, your manager exclaimed as he begun collecting the dirty dishes.  

Jungkook looked appalled at being called ‘young master’.  

“I did my homework too, I know who your dad is”, your manager laughed. Yunsu also got up to prepare some fruits but you insisted that you will do it instead, and you vanished with your manager into the kitchen.  

Since she wasn’t allowed to enter the kitchen anymore, Yunsu went to pick up Ri-ah from her crib instead, cuddling her and asking Jungkook whether he would like to hold Ri-ah too. He rejected at first but Yunsu shoved Ri-ah’s cute face into his arms, which shook involuntarily as he held her, fearing that he might just drop her. Yunsu couldn’t help but laugh at his nervousness.  

Having cut up some apples and melon, you were planning to take the plates out to the living room but the conversation you overheard had you stopping behind the curtains that separated the kitchen from the living room.  

“So, did you tell Ri-ah’s father about her?”, Jungkook’s voice was so soft, maybe he was afraid of scaring Ri-ah.

“I did, it’s up to him to decide now, what kind of life he wants. I think I’ll be ok even if he refuses to acknowledge our existence”, she said even more gently.  

“If he doesn’t come back now, don’t let him come back ever.”  

You heard Yunsu snicker. “If he wants to, I will let him come back anytime, with a price of course”, she replied teasingly. But a second later her voice seemed to turn a little more serious, “After having gone through this myself, I think everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Not everyone”, Jungkook’s mood sounded full of despair.

“Why? You sound like you regret not having a second chance for something”, Yunsu probed.  

“I didn’t even deserve the first one.”  

—

When you left Yunsu’s house, you refused a lift from your manager since his place was a different route from yours and the bus stop was sufficiently close by. As you were walking to the bus stop, a quiet and cautious Jungkook was trailing behind you.  

You turned to look at him when you were about to reach the bus stop, and he visibly tensed up, quickly putting one hand into his pocket and raising the other hand to rub the back of his neck. You turned around and proceeded to the bench at the bus stop, sitting down. It was more awkward since there was not another soul at the bus stop.  

He walked over to where you sat and stood at the other end of the bench, both hands in his pockets now and staring down at his feet.  

“What did you want to say to me the last time?”, you suddenly asked, causing him to jump a bit.  

His head was still bent but he turned to eye you, like a child. “Which time?”, he questioned.  

“The times when you stopped me in school, you said you had things to tell me”, you answered without looking at him.  

He gingerly sat down on the opposite corner of the bench and cleared his throat as quietly as he could, sending multiple quick glances towards you trying to determine whether this was his chance to say what he had been wanting to say. 

“I know there’s something’s wrong with me, but I still can’t quite figure out what exactly it is. You know how I feel all the time. I don’t remember when it started or why or how…  

     At first I tried to distract myself from it … but it didn’t go away. And then I wanted to make others feel the same way as I did, to understand how I feel every day.  

     But now that I think about it, maybe what I really wanted was just for someone to ask if I was ok, to understand what I was going through. But I guess no one ever did, or could. So, when you asked if I was ok, and when I realised you could feel what I felt, I thought… I guess I felt vulnerable and I didn’t understand what it meant to me at that time.  

     I don’t know if my problems are big enough for me to even be feeling this way. But that’s how it has become for me, I am dealing with everything the only way I know how. Even if all these seems stupid to you… I’m truly sorry for wanting to hurt you.”  

Your expression was unreadable to Jungkook and you weren’t looking at him, but the mere fact that you listened to him finish saying all that was enough for him.  

The rational part of yourself was wrestling every other part of you to not fall into the same trap again, but every other part of you were able to feel it, that he meant what he said, that this seemed like the real Jungkook. For the first time he didn’t appear like he wore any disguises or set up any defences, this was just him – confused, uncertain, emotionally-stunted and regretful.  

“Just because other people have it worse, it doesn’t mean you are not entitled to feel your pain”, your eyes had softened minimally, “it’s not a competition about whose situation is worse and there are no rules dictating how much pain you are allowed to feel. That’s one thing I have learnt after so many years of living like a vicarious pain-meter.”  

You always leave him a little speechless every time. He wasn’t used to dealing with someone like this, someone who could understand his feelings, not shun them and help him face them.  

And then your bus came, he hesitated whether to offer to take you home, but he didn’t feel like you would want him around anymore, not since you still didn’t seem to have forgiven him for what he did.  

You boarded the bus without saying another word and it drove off. He hated watching you leave, it reminded him of the same feeling that his house made him feel. And then his phone buzzed in his pocket, one noisy Hoseok asking him to get home.  

—

"I forgot all about these”, Hoseok pointed at the presents sitting in the back of his car, filling up two boxes.  

“What the heck are these?”, Jungkook asked in bewilderment.

“The hearts you have broken? I wrapped all of them up for you”, Hoseok said with much sarcasm. “What do you think they are? Your presents from your birthday party of course.” Hoseok expected as much from Jungkook. “Stop standing there, I’m not driving all these home again, you’d better take all of them.”  

“I don’t want them”, Jungkook stuffed his hands into his pockets, refusing.  

“That’s rude af dude, at least open them then we’ll decide what to do with it, alright? Get over here and take this box, I’ll take the other one”, Hoseok persisted as he picked up one box and gestures for Jungkook to take it.  

Once they walked into Jungkook’s house, a man dressed in a swanky outfit brushed past them in the doorway, awkwardly greeting the both of them before hurrying out the door. Hoseok muttered under his breath, “Again.”

Their attention was then caught by some noises coming from the dining hall, where one of the wooden doors was half opened. Jungkook set down the box he was holding and walked over, Hoseok following behind him.  

“Stop bringing them home, please. Were the news reports not enough? Do you know how much money I had to spend to get those taken down, apart from how much value we lost thanks to the drop in our stock prices?”, Jungkook’s father was glowering at his mother.  

This was the first time Jungkook saw his father confronting his mother about anything, they hardly even talked over all these years. He somehow felt like a nervous child watching his parents fight for the first time.

“If money can solve it then it’s nothing too difficult, isn’t it?”, his mother replied while swirling her wine glass.

“Isn’t it?”, he said with disbelief. “You think it’s easy for me? Do you know how much I endure every single day to have these things you call ‘easy’?”  

She scoffed.  

“Are you laughing? Why not you try living my life? Enduring the scheming corporate world, your ridiculously authoritarian father, the intrusive media, your bat crazy antics and…”, he paused, reluctant to continue.  

“And what? Say it”, Jungkook’s mother replied cynically.  

“And the constant humiliation… knowing that my son… is not my son.”  

Jungkook stopped breathing, a jolt of shock ran through him and a frown of utter disbelief appeared on his face. He must have heard it wrong.  

“Nobody forced you to endure all of this. Nobody forced you to be my husband, to be the CEO and… nobody forced you to act like his father”, she said in the slowest yet most confrontational manner.  

“If I didn’t agree to it, he wouldn’t even have a father! Do you even know who his father actually is?”  

Her eyes widened in rage and she began shouting hysterically, “You did it in exchange to be appointed as the CEO of the company! Stop pretending like you did anything for anyone other than yourself!  

     I don’t know who his father is, so what? You knew my father wanted to cover it up so badly, and you used it to bargain for the CEO position after you found out. I am sick of watching your act and I know what you want, but dream on, I will never agree to let you take over the company!”

He hissed a reply to her outrage, “That is not entirely up to you now, is it? You know how your father is like, always business first. And I know his company much better than any one of you. After all these years don’t you think that he will agree that I deserve at least that much for putting up with all of these?”  

She smashes the wine glass she was holding onto the floor, shards of glass littering the space between the two of them, the wine that used to sit in it flowing on the floor. She couldn’t remember who she hated more, that included herself.  

Jungkook stood behind the door left half-ajar, feeling like everything within him was crashing and burning. Did he just lose the last person he held onto in this place? Maybe he never had him from the beginning. The feelings within him grew deeper and darker. He couldn’t decide who he was supposed to hate, and that included himself.  

He always wondered what this feeling was, he always thought maybe it was his sadness, his anger or just sheer injustice that he felt.  

But now he finally seems to understand  
the torture that an empty soul can bring  
the pain you feel because you know  
you have nothing.