Present

“Growing older makes me feel anxious. Time goes by so fast, and the number of days I can never get back continue to increase. I feel like I’m growing further apart from the person I was when I was younger. I don’t like the part of myself that continues to think like this. What I hate the most is that I’m afraid my heart will become distant as well. I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but I feel so many different emotions today, I don’t want to simply continue to live life by just existing, I need to work hard.” – Hero Jaejoong Feb 13^th 2012.

I pressed send on my phone as I finished twitting how I felt. Why does time have to go so fast? I want to go back to the time when we were all together as five. We weren’t just a group of pretty boys who sing and dance. We weren’t even best friends, we were a family and by losing two of them I just felt so torn up. Especially because one of them meant the whole world to me and I would do anything for him.
“Hero ahh! You’re not feeling well!” Yoochun pouted as he put his hand on my forehead. We had just finished finalizing our album “In Heaven” and I was tired from all the recordings we did but mostly because I was up crying the night before. I know that it’s very ‘un-manly’ to cry but sometimes I just can’t help it so I let it all out when Junsu and Yoochun are asleep. I’ve just been so depressed that I don’t think I could take it anymore. Even though I know my fans were worried about me, especially after the things I type on twitter, they support me as best as they can. I’m so glad they’re helping me out and in most times they do make me feel better but this time was too much for me to handle. “Come on Hero, let’s send you home. The boys will finish up the rest since there are only little things to be done.” Our manager said as he pushed me lightly towards his car where another member of staff drove me home.

I walked into the door of the dorm we were staying in and walked to the balcony. I pulled out my wallet dropped it after I had taken the photo out of it. “Yunho ahh… why is this so hard? Why did it end up like this?” I couldn’t help but let the tears flow. I’ve been holding them in all day and this time I was sick of crying. It did nothing but make me feel hopeless. I gritted my teeth as I fell to my knees. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at the picture of me and Yunho. His smile was something I had not seen in so long and it’s all I wanted to see. “Yunho ahh…” I choked. “If I can’t be with you now, I’ll wait for you in a place where I don’t have to face the pain anymore.” I breathed deeply as I stood up on the edge of the balcony. I was about 10 stories up but that’s not what I was thinking about. I don’t want to face this pain anymore and maybe I’ll see Yunho again without all this pain up In Heaven. I chuckled to myself after I realized that I had used our own album name but I guess that was the reason why I named the album that. I closed my eyes as I slowly put my foot out forward. I knew this wasn’t the right thing to do but did I really have any other choice but to wait for something that will never come and suffer all this pain?

Just as I was about to jump I heard light music from inside the dorm. I opened my eyes and saw how high up I was and I quickly got down. I knew this song, I know I do. I went inside, closing the balcony door behind me. “I know this song…” I muttered. My eyes widened and I knew what the song was. Rising Sun. I went into the room next door where the music started to blare and opened it. I froze. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Is that… Yunho? I questioned as I saw the back of the man dancing to Rising Sun. His hair was brown and spiked up like Yunho when he was younger. He wore a loose black t-shirt, baggy pants and he had latex gloves on. It can’t be Yunho… can it? Am I seeing things? Is this Yunho from the past? “Y-Yunho?” I stuttered. He froze and quickly ran to the stereo, turning off the music, quickly turning around and bowed, avoiding me from seeing his face. “I’m so sorry” he apologized. He straightened up and looked at me. It wasn’t Yunho, he was a foreigner but his features strangely reminded me of Yunho’s. “W-Who are you?” I stuttered, still in a bit of shock.  He bowed again. “I am Seung Des Chang. I’m you’re new house cleaner. I’m so sorry. I should have been doing my job” he looked at me and bit his lip as he showed worry in his eyes. I stood there and stared at him. The way he looked at me was the same as his so many years ago? How could it be?

Past

“YUNHO!!” Soo Man yelled. Oh he was in trouble now and Yunho knew it. It had been at least 2 weeks our group got together and we were practicing our first song together. ‘Hug’. We were singing it on the practice stage for the first time to get used to it and Yunho was messing around, doing flips and he hit the mic. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COST?!” Soo Man yelled as he pulled himself onto the stage. Yunho looked up at him, biting his lip and the look of worry in his eyes. “I’m so sorry Mr. Lee. I didn’t mean it, really.” Yunho looked down. I wish I could’ve done something, anything to make it look like I was at fault instead of Yunho. Soo Man looked down and started laughing… laughing? Why was he laughing? Yunho looked up in confusion. “Mr. Lee…?” he questioned as Soo Man laughed and patted Yunho’s cheek. “You remind me so much of myself when I was younger you know Yunho? Be careful next time okay?” he smiled as he jumped off the stage. “Got through it from the beginning, again! You guys sound great.” Soo Man said with no enthusiasm. The music turned back on and I started to sing my lines. I started looking towards Yunho and he looked back at me and smiled. I pointed to me as I said my line “Oh Baby”. He winked at me before looking back to the empty seats in front of us. I blushed as I continued to sing my lines. Why was Yunho making me feel like this? It’s making me feel, different. It’s just a best friend thing, that’s all. We finished our practice of the song and got a quick break. Junsu started talking to Yunho and telling him how good his singing was. I swear, there’s something up with that boy. “Jaejoong!! I’ve been calling you!” Yoochun called. I looked at him and smiled. “Sorry Yoochun. You did great by the way!” I hi fived him and he laughed. Changmin skipped towards us and put his arms over our shoulders. “Can you believe we’re debuting in a week?! I can’t believe it! AND BRITNEY SPEARS WILL BE THERE!!! Ahhh!!” he sighed as he pretended to faint. Yoochun caught him and started laughing. “Changmin, I’m sorry but since you just told me that I curse you to be forever alone.”

“WHAT?!” Changmin yelled as Yoochun dumped him on the floor and laughed. “NO! I CAN’T BE FOREVER ALONE!! I still have you guys!” Changmin pouted.

“Nahh, sorry. It looks like Yunho and Junsu are talking to each other so I’ll be with Jaejoong and you can just be… forever alone… BYE!” he smirked as he pulled me with him. I couldn’t help but laugh at Changmin’s priceless face as he started yelling at Yoochun. “You’re so mean Yoochun!” I pushed him slightly and laughed. Yoochun smiled and took deep breaths since he was tired from running. “You want to go back to the dorm now?” he asked. I laughed and nodded, Changmin’s face still in my head. As we started to walk I felt a squeeze on my hand. I looked down to see Yoochun’s hand in mine. His hands were warm, which was nice because it was starting to get cold and dark outside. I remembered when I was younger that I found it really weird why people held each other’s hands so I never held anyone’s hand… until.