3 weeks ago

Their meeting that night never happened.

Hongki kept his end of the promise, he waited for her until the dark hours of the night. He stood there alone, in the part, kept hoping and praying for some sort of miracle.

But Jiyoung never did show up.

It was confusing him honestly. He thought they were getting somewhere. He thought she also shared the same feelings as him. The unmistakable twinkle in her eyes whenever she look at him, the faint blushing that appears when they crossed paths during shows – he couldn’t possibly be imagining it all, could he?

As he walked back to the dorm alone that night, he finally understood it though.

He was actually paying back for his mistakes back then, even without realising it.

Kang Jiyoung was literally driving him crazy for leaving her 3 years ago.

As fate planned it, they had another schedule together that evening; the MBC Music Festival.

Hongki was feeling nervous about two things in particular.

One, it was going to be FT Island’s first time performing their newest track, titled ‘Severely’. Different from the recent songs which were edgier and faster paced, their comeback this time was going to be a rock-ballad themed. It’s been quite some time since they last attempted the genre.

Hongki was a natural-born performer. He usually does not have any problems performing live. His vocal abilities were far from horrible; in fact it was the complete opposite. He was ranked as one of the best vocalists in the whole of Kpop industry.

His voice was truly a gift from heaven.

No, it was the fact that he would be singing the song which tells the story about a heartbroken man, live, with her most probably listening to him backstage.

Just thinking of her was enough to rattle his confidence.

Ever since she stood him up that night, he hadn’t got the chance to see her, much less talk to her.

He had no idea how the night would turn out.

Jiyoung hadn’t meant to ditch him that night.

In fact, she had arrived at the agreed place, a few minutes earlier than planned and just sat there pondering over her actions. Was she doing the right thing? Did she really want to risk it all and pull her members down with her?

Could she really be that selfish?

Her unnies didn’t seem to mind so much though. They were always supporting her in whatever she does, even when it comes to situations like this. They were not only group members, the five of them were a family, sisters for life. They would always have each other’s back.

Sure, Gyuri seemed skeptical about the whole thing at first. Jiyoung didn’t blame her. She was analysing it through KARA’s leader’s perspective. Jiyoung understood. She would probably do the same thing if she was in Gyuri’s shoes.

But eventually, Seungyeon managed to convince her and the idea just warmed up to her naturally. She gave her dongsaeng her full support and encouragement, even offering to be their ‘cover’ if Jiyoung and Hongki ever needed someone to come along during their dates.

Gyuri was sweet and charming in her own way and she understood Jiyoung the best. That was probably why they bonded the easiest.

And Gyuri liked Hongki enough, ever since the Idol Army show that they did together. Even though Hongki had ‘rejected’ her and chose Jiyoung instead, Gyuri still enjoyed his humble personality and friendship.

He was a man that Gyuri definitely approves of for KARA’s maknae.

FT Island was up as one of the earlier performers for that night. Jiyoung, along with the rest of the KARA members listened attentively to their performance as they were preparing for their own stage.

“Hongki really sounds good live,” Seungyeon commented, oblivious to Jiyoung’s discomforts. “He’s always been so stable and confident in his singing.”

“Ah, there! There! I can recognise Jaejin’s bass part. He’s so awesome!”

Her members gave her sideway glances.

Nicole widened her eyes innocently at them.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”

“Since when have you started become an expert on musical instruments?” Gyuri . “Could you really pick out the bass sound?”

Nicole stuck out her bottom lip in protest.

“I just wanted a reason to cheer him on!”

“Pabo, Nicole-yah,” Hara nudged her lightly. “Jiyoungie...” she turned towards their youngest member who seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. “...are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, I-I’m fine. I’ll be right back.”

She needed a toilet break, some alone time to herself.

Finally, their performance was done. The audience seemed to have enjoyed it. He was glad. They needed all the support they can get for their official comeback stage in a couple days’ time.

“I need to go to the toilet for awhile,” he shouted over his shoulders. “I’ll be back soon.”

As he walked towards the toilet’s direction, his mind replayed back the earlier performance; picking out on points that he could improve on.

My voice sounded a bit raspy...he thought to himself. Should drink a lot more water these few days...

Being too wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn’t notice the approaching figure that was coming from the opposite direction...

This is weird...she thought quietly. Not talking to him makes it seems like I’m guilty of something. But what do I say if I really do approach him...

“Oh!” a small gasp escaped her lips when she accidentally bumped into another person hard. “I’m really sorry...”

But her voice trailed off when she saw who she had knocked into. gaped open slightly, not quite expecting to see him right at that moment. She wasn’t quite ready to face him yet.

“Hongki...”

Ever since they parted ways back then, she rarely calls him by his name anymore. She didn’t want to feel like their relationship was on some personal level anymore. It was downright awkward.

But now, it just slipped out of naturally, as though that was a normal thing to do. And honestly, she did really missed saying his name, even if it was just for a second.

“J-jiyoung...” he stammered, his eyes shifting over towards something behind her before looking back at her again. “I...uh...”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out before he could say anything else. “About that night...I didn’t mean to be rude of anything. And I was really there. For awhile though...before I decided to leave...”

“Uh...Jiyoung-ah...”

“No, wait. Let me get this out first while I still can. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I think you and I are both aware of what’s going on here. I know...that I’m not the only one feeling this way.”

She took a deep breath, while he was holding his breath.

“As badly as I want this to happen...I don’t think that this is possible. I’m sorry but...there’s just too many risks involved.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. After all the hope that she had given him, after what they had been through last time; she was giving him the exact reason he had used 3 years ago?

It felt like a tight slap across his face.

Without thinking further, he grabbed her wrist instinctively, his eyes pleading with her to tell him that she was just joking. That she didn’t mean a single word.

Almost immediately, Jiyoung yank her hand away from his grasp and cast a look around their surrounding cautiously.

“What are you doing?” she hissed at him.

“Junhyung hyung did it. He and Hara managed to pull through it. Why can’t we?”

Jiyoung hesitated.

“Why not us?” he demanded, his voice raising slightly now. He didn’t understand it, whatever that he was feeling. Mad? Upset? Devastated? Disappointed?

“That’s the exact reason why we can’t!” Jiyoung cried out, fully aware that they were gaining attention from the idols that were passing by the area. But none of them said a word. It was like, a code of secrecy between all idols. They know about things, but they keep each other’s secrets. Jiyoung knew she could trust them, especially those whom she had known for a long time.

“It took awhile for them to get the fans blessings!” Jiyoung continued desperately. “They had to weather all those hates, all those threats. One KARA member is bad enough...they don’t need another one to be involved in another relationship.”

Hongki didn’t say another word. Not because he agreed with her. But because he was feeling so confused about everything that was happening. He was losing her but he didn’t know what else to say to make her stay. Part of him knows that she is right but he refused to believe it.

This was his retribution, karma hitting him back for being a coward last time.

Sadly, all the odds were against him.

The second she reached the group hovering nearby the entrance, Suzy immediately pulled her in a tight embrace. Jiyoung didn’t make a move to pull away. Suzy was one of the closest friends she has. She needed to warmth and comfort from someone close, someone familiar.

In fact, she could feel her own tears drenching Suzy’s black blouse as she laid her head on her friend’s shoulder.

“You have to be strong, Jiyoung-ah,” Suzy whispered into her ear as she her friend’s back soothingly. “You’re stronger than this, I know you are. We’re all here for you.”

Jiyoung could feel the other miss A members giving her comforting pats on the back and offering words of condolences. Jiyoung was probably being rude by not answering them but she felt so tired to even move her lips. She felt powerless, like her soul had died within her.

When Suzy finally let go of her, Seungyeon wrapped one arm around her shoulder and guide her slowly inside the memorial hall, where the ceremony was going to take place.

Jiyoung turned to cast one last look at her friend to which Suzy responded by giving her an encouraging smile. She also gestured on for Jiyoung to go on ahead first; mouthing that she would join her in awhile.

Jiyoung nodded her head gratefully. She was glad for Suzy’s presence.

She was glad for everyone’s presence, at least those who didn’t hate her though.

When she stepped inside the building, it was like everyone suddenly broke the line in the middle to make way for her. Jiyoung didn’t know if she should be feeling thankful or uncomfortable, now that all the attention was suddenly on her.

She walked slowly towards the front of the room, with her unnies on both side of her and the FT Island boys following right behind her.

The room was so still and deadly silent that Jiyoung could hear her own heart beating out loud. Her boots made deep thumping noises with every heavy step that she took. Also, the nearer she got, the weaker she became.

Shame, it was all such a shame.

A picture of him was already positioned at the very front end of the room.

In it, he was smiling ever so brightly, his two eyes crinkling at the sides as he showed his cheeky grin for the camera. He was also wearing the white long sleeved shirt that she totally favoured. The warmth that radiated from his smile was enough to kill Jiyoung silently inside for the umpteenth time.

A tear slid down her face unconsciously.

She loved that smile.

It was her favourite smile in the whole world.

They finally reached their seats and Jiyoung sat in the centre, in between the other four girls. To their right, the FT Island remaining members took their positions accordingly. Jonghun was the first, followed by Jaejin, Minhwan and Seunghyun. Jiyoung hadn’t got the chance to talk to anyone of them, except for Jonghun. She wanted to apologise, to say something comforting – but she was in no position to speak a word of such things.

Junhyung leaned forward in his seat to give his girlfriend a comforting squeeze on the shoulders. Hara turned around slightly in her seat and gave him a small smile. Jiyoung thought, it would be more appropriate if it was the other way around. Junhyung was Hongki’s best friend after all. He must be going through a rough time too.

When everyone was settled down, the pastor who was in charge of the whole funeral, got up to the podium and begin the ceremony with a few necessary words.

Jiyoung could only look at the beautiful picture placed next to the long coffin. She could only think, she could only imagine about the person who was lying inside.

“Before we proceed on with the burial ceremony, is there anyone who would like to say their last words? Bid their last farewells?”

For a second, no one moved. The thick silence was still hanging in the air, the tension strangling them all. Jiyoung wanted to step forward, but she remained frozen in her seat. She felt like if she made one slight move, everything would just start breaking inside of her. She felt so fragile.

“I’ll do it.”

Immediately, all eyes turned towards him. Jonghun stood up in confidence and straightened down his crisp suit. The rest of his band mates just watched him carefully as he trudged over and stood next to the pastor.

He cleared his throat a little before he started to speak.

“I thank all of you today, for gathering here; to show our respects and say our last goodbye to our friend whom we love dearly and his absence will be missed greatly...”

He paused for a moment and pondered over his thoughts, choosing his next few words carefully.

“...As we all know, Lee Hongki was a man of many words. For us, s, he was our mood-maker, the light that shines in times of our darkness. He was our main vocalist, the pillar of strength for FT Island. As a human, he made mistakes too, he hurt a lot too but he always managed to come through for us whenever he was needed.”

“There were times when he must’ve disappointed some of you, but he was regularly feeling miserable and apologetic towards everyone whom he had hurt. He was constantly blaming himself when things go wrong, although I kept telling him – you’re never alone in this.”

“Yes, he may have kept some things from you, from his fans...but don’t we all have our own secrets? He is after all...a human too. He had feelings and just like you, he wanted to love and be loved too. I think, if anything, he left this world without any regrets...because he died saving the one he loved.”

Jiyoung couldn’t take it any longer. She suddenly felt the need to say something.

She didn’t face any of them though.

Instead, she did the unthinkable.

Unlocking the coffin, she pushed open the lid and lifted it up; revealing his beautiful serene face that seemed to be in a really deep sleep.

Yes...the small voice inside her head nagged at her. Keep convincing yourself he’s only sleeping and that he’ll wake up soon.

“Hongki-yah...” she called out his name softly, caressing his face as she did so. “You have to wake up...you have to wake up soon...”

Jonghun, who was standing beside her, couldn’t hold it back any longer. The tears which he had been fighting so hard to hide, finally breakthrough at the sound of Jiyoung’s delicate voice. She sounded so, so heartbroken.

“There are still so many things that we didn’t get to do...remember? The places we said we would go. How could you leave me before we even got the chance to do any of it?”

Gyuri couldn’t stand it any longer. She started to get up from her seat, but Seungyeon held her back. She turned to face the other girl for explanation, but Seungyeon just squeezed her hand gently.

Gyuri understood. They had to remain strong for Jiyoung.

But it doesn’t mean that everything hurts any less.

“I regret not coming to see you that night we had promised to meet. I curse myself for being such a coward, for not taking the second chance that I had with you. Could it all have ended differently if I hadn’t been so afraid that night? Could you...could you still be alive now perhaps?”

Jiyoung sniffed back her tears, refusing to cry in front of him. Even though in reality, he couldn’t really see devastated she was, she could somehow still feel his presence there in the room with her.

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry I took you away from them. From your parents, your band-mates, your friends, your fans...I’m so sorry...”

She gripped on to the wooden coffin tightly, like she was holding onto it for her dear life. Her heart was already shattered into millions of pieces, her soul had already died inside of her – so how could she still be standing there, breathing?

Pabo...she thought to herself. You’re a fool, Lee Hongki. Why did you have to sacrifice yourself like that? I didn’t ask you to do it, didn’t I?

“Please...” her voice was pleading now, begging desperately for her dead lover to come back to life. “Please open your eyes Hongki...please do not leave me here all alone...”

Her hot tear slid down her face and dripped off her chin, falling momentarily onto Hongki’s peaceful sleeping face. Jiyoung was a mess now. Her heart was aching, yearning so badly for him to return back to her; even though she knew it was impossible.

She bent down her head slowly and leaned in her face closer to his.

But I’m a fool that can’t live without you, what do you want me to do?

She pressed her lips gently against his icy cold skin and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. Flashes of their memories started playing on her mind, destroying every last bit of her willpower that she had left.

“Neoreul neomu saranghae, Lee Hongki...” she whispered softly.