The atmosphere surrounding Seoul, Korea was dark and sombre. The mood that was once hyped up and alive was turned down drastically overnight. The city which usually shone with bright lights and happy people was now filled with solemn and devastated citizens. Tears were streaming down hundreds of heartbroken faces and wailings could be heard from nearly every corner of the city.

Even those who weren’t as deeply affected as others couldn’t help feeling sorry over a very precious loss. The respect they all had for that one person overwhelmed each one of them with sadness completely.

Hidden away in one corner quietly, Kang Ji Young couldn’t help feeling even more burdened and destroyed over what had happened. She couldn’t help feeling that it was all because of her; that it was all because of her selfishness.

Being a member of one of the most prominent girl groups in South Korea was never an easy task. Especially when KARA is raising awareness in every place they go to. People were watching, people were judging. She couldn’t only think about her feelings anymore. She had to think of the other members, of her fans.

As she fiercely brushed away yet another tear that was sliding down her face with the back of her hand, she heard the door creaking opened slightly. She thought it was her mother, coming in to check on her again. But it turned out she was wrong when she heard Gyuri’s voice calling out for her tentatively.

“Jiyoung-ah?”

The maknae took a moment to collect herself and took in a deep breath before showing herself in Gyuri’s view.

“Unnie...” she answered softly, forcing out a painful smile at KARA’s leader. “Did you just get here?”

Gyuri took it as a good sign that Ji Young wanted to talk to her. She closed the door quietly behind her and walked over towards where the younger girl was sitting with her two knees drawn close to her chest.

“Yeah, I just did. In fact...” she lowered down herself and sat cross-legged opposite of Ji Young.  “...Seung Yeon and Nicole came over too. But they’re outside, talking with your mother. Hara wanted to tag along, but she has another schedule that she has to take care of first.”

“Oh...” was all she said before looking down on the floor in front of her again.

Gyuri let out a small sigh. Ji Young was still hurting. But who can blame her? Everything was still new, still raw, still painful for anyone to digest.

“Jiyoung-ah...” Gyuri bit the inside of her cheek, unsure on how she should approach the topic.

“What is it unnie?” she still didn’t look up and her voice was barely audible but at least, it encouraged Gyuri to carry on with her question. She was worried about her dongsaeng. She wanted Ji Young to open up. She wanted Ji Young to know that they were all willing to listen and share her burden.

After all, he was a dear friend to them all.

“How are you doing?”

From her hunched figure, Gyuri could only see her trembling body that she was trying very hard to hide. Ji Young was shaking with rage and guilt, she could tell that. The devastation though...she couldn’t imagine.

Nobody could even know or understand what the youngest member was going through.

“I...” she paused for awhile, trying to hold back her tears. But before she could continue further, the iPhone next to her blinked up, indicating that she had an incoming call. Ji Young glanced down at it briefly before choosing to ignore it.

Gyuri’s eyes travelled down towards the screen and saw a familiar name flashing up at her.

Jonghun.

It stopped blinking a few seconds later.

Just then, Gyuri felt the vibration coming from her coat’s pocket and she took her own phone out, knowing fully well who was calling her.

Her thumb wavered over the screen for a second as she shot a worried glance at Ji Young who seemed to be lost in her own world. It was clear that she still wasn’t willing to talk just yet.

Gyuri stood up gingerly and pressed the answer call icon.

“Hello?” she kept her voice down low as she made her way out of the room, leaving Ji Young behind to drown herself in her own sorrows alone.

“Gyuri-ssi,” Jonghun’s soothing voice filled her ear at once. He sounded calm but it could just be a facade he was putting up. After all, he was the leader. He had to remain strong. Gyuri could sympathise with him on that.

“I’m sorry for calling you like this...” he continued in that same composed tone but Gyuri could now detect the hint of sadness in his voice she had missed earlier. “...but Ji Young wasn’t picking up her phone and I really need to know if she’s coming later on?”

“Oh.” She couldn’t do this. She thought she could. But with everyone breaking down around her, she couldn’t help but to cave in to her own feelings too.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Nicole and Seungyeon emerging from the kitchen, with Ji Young’s mother following closely behind them. Seungyeon caught her eye and the expression froze on her face when she saw how serious Gyuri had turned. Even Nicole noticed it too.

Gyuri turned her back towards them and moved a few feet away from the spot where she was standing on.

“Gyuri-ssi?”

“I...I’m here,” she tried to speak up in a confident voice yet she knew she had failed to fool Jonghun. “Ji Young...she’s still not talking. But she’ll be there. I know she will want to be there.”

“Okay. Thank you Gyuri-ssi. So I guess I’ll be seeing all of you later?”

“Yes, yes we’ll be there. Uh, Jonghun-ssi...”

The other leader was about to end the call but paused when he heard his name being called. He pressed the phone back against his ear.

“Yeah?”

“I...ho – I can’t do this Jonghun-ssi.” There. She said it. She has finally let it out. The strong, unfazed front that she had been putting up was now broken. She was letting her vulnerability be shown.

But she didn’t care. She could go crazy if she continued to keep it all inside.

And besides, Jonghun was the right person to pour it all to. He’d understand.

“I know Gyuri...” he replied in a soft whisper, the formalities all gone. They were friends and they were both trying to seek comfort in each other. “This is even harder for me.”

“We were all so close. You with Hara, Jaejin and Nicole’s friendship, Ji – “ but she choked on her words, unable to say it out aloud. “Why is this happening to us?”

“I don’t know, but...but there’s nothing that we can do now. We have to stay strong, Gyuri. For them, for the others.”

Being a leader was so hard. So many responsibilities, so many restrictions.

“I know, I know...you’re right.”

3 years ago

It felt so right, everything felt so right.

She didn’t know what went wrong, what she did wrong. She gave her best, she knew he did too. She gave her heart entirely for him and she could feel his sincere love for her too. Everything was perfect.

Or at least, she was the only one who thought so.

“What are you saying?” Her voice shook with so much rage and disappointment, something a 15-year old like her didn’t know could possess. But it came impulsively, like it was the right way to react to the current situation.

“We’re still young...”

Yes, they were. But that was no excuse. Age wasn’t a fair argument. He had to give her something better than that.

“...and we’re both idols...”

That made her stopped short. Because as much as she wanted to deny it, he was right. But that was the only hurdle they had to face. Surely they could do it together.

She was still at the blooming age of a teenager. She was at the point where she loved the hardest and heartbreaks hurt the most. She couldn’t lose him. Not after those confessions they had made towards each other.

She heard him heaving out a huge sigh.

“You’re not helping here.” He shot her a desperate look.

Ji Young raised an eyebrow at him in incredulity.

“I’m supposed to help you break up with me? Nice,” she said dryly.

She didn’t know where she had gotten the confidence from because right there and then, she just felt like breaking down. But she couldn’t cry in front of him. No, she has to show him she was mature enough for this. That he was going to regret this.

“Look Ji Young, this isn’t only about you. But...you have just debuted. We’re both at the peaks of our careers. If we continue with this...are you willing to risk it all?”

Ji Young held his gaze steadily, willing for the tears to hold back for just a few minutes more. For just awhile more, until she gets her two feet two budge away.

“With you, I was confident. I had faith in us. But now...you’ve crashed it all.”

She the silver bracelet lightly in her hand. It still looked the same, and felt the same like it had been three years ago. Of course it would. She took care of it just like how she guarded her own life. Even though he broke her heart, she couldn’t bear to destroy the only thing that represented their burning young love.

She heard her bedroom door opening again, this time a couple other footsteps following close behind. She quickly hid the bracelet inside her pocket, not wanting her members to probe further into it. Sure they knew about them. But they didn’t need to know everything.

“Jiyoungie,” Nicole was the first to break the stillness in the air. “The...ceremony’s starting in a few hours’ time. You are going right?”

Even the way her unnie had asked was timid. They were treating her like she was some kind of a fragile glass, afraid to be broken, easy to shatter. Yes, that’s how she felt right at that moment.

“I don’t know if I should,” she replied in a dead voice, still not turning around to face them. “Everybody is going to there. The paparazzi, the news, the fans...”

“Jiyoung-ah...” this time it was Seungyeon who was trying to breakthrough with her. “Don’t do this to yourself. This is not healthy.”

She knew why they were so desperate to get her to talk. They were afraid of the things she might do if she kept her feelings bottled up until the limit point. Anything could happen. Even she was afraid of herself. She didn’t know who she was anymore.

“They blame me for it...” she said distantly, her thoughts already wandering away from them. Of course they would. She was a monster. She took him away from them all, from all the people that loved him.

But she loved him too. She lost him too.

She had lost him forever.

“Ji Young, nobody is blaming you.” Seungyeon was still trying her best to talk some sense into her. She knelt down behind the distressed girl and rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. “So you should stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”

“The members must be angry at me too...” she continued in that detached voice of hers. Seungyeon followed her gaze carefully. Jiyoung was only looking at an empty pathway but her eyes almost seemed to be dancing. What was she seeing?

She decided to just play along. Behind her, Gyuri and Nicole were watching them in silence.

“Who?”

“FT Island oppas...”

Gyuri closed her eyes and in a huge amount of air. This was too much for her to take.

 “Unnie, where are you going?” asked Nicole when Gyuri started to walk away from them.

The usual goddess-like figure was losing her poised and elegant self by every saddening second. She’s always heard of these things happen to other people but when she actually has to go through it herself, it was insane.

Every passing moment felt so insanely cruel.

It made her heart ached seeing Ji Young all broken up like that. Her young, pure heart was without doubt already shattered into millions of pieces that unfortunate night. The memory that she had seen with her own two eyes will definitely haunt her for the rest of her life.

And now she has to go through living with other people’s stares and accusations too. Ji Young was right. People blamed her for it.

And Gyuri felt so helpless not knowing what she could do to help her group member, and to save KARA’s reputation at the same time. She wanted so bad to be a good older sister, to be a responsible leader. But they were not giving her chance to.

“I have to go,” was all she said before turning around to leave the room, with her right hand covering to stop the small sobs from escaping.

Why did you have to leave us?