every beginning is difficult

Days passed by quickly for Naeun after she had gotten all of her stuff out of the apartment. She spent most of her time at work, trying to keep her mind off of anything related to Taemin but of course, it’s all in vain because the moment she closes her eyes, he was all she sees.

Time alone, for her, meant time drowning herself in alcohol and wallowing in self-pity.

It was one of those nights and with a glass in hand, she stared at her phone for a long time, particularly on the date. It was already the 22nd and her Eunji eonnie said he’d be leaving for training on the 25th. She was running out of opportunities and time to see him.

Ignoring the feeling of being a pathetic ex-girlfriend, and with the little alcohol in her system, she finally mustered up the courage to call him. “Oppa?” she immediately said the moment he picked up.

A few seconds passed before he spoke up. “Naeun-ah…” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” she started, trying hard to not let her voice shake. “I’m sorry for calling all of a sudden. I’m just… I’m calling to… My stuff… at the apartment,” she stuttered before breathing in. She looked at the ring that she had put back on her finger in an effort to calm herself down. “I got them. I got my stuff from the apartment.”

“Thank you,” Taemin said and she could hear the relief in his voice. “I’m sorry we didn’t send them sooner.”

“No, no. It was...It was my fault. I shouldn’t have left.” There was a dead silence between them and the awkwardness could be felt even through the line. She realized how her words must have sounded so she continued. “I mean, I shouldn’t have left them behind.”

Silence ensued again and all Naeun could hear was the loud beating of her heart. How is it that the only person that could make her open up and talk freely about anything was now the same person she didn’t know how to talk to? It was as if she was running out of words when in truth, she had a million things she wanted to say to him.

“Is that all?”

No.

“Uhh, yes.”

“Then I’llー”

“Can I visit you?” she blurted out, unable to stop herself.

I wanna see you. Please.

“What?” he asked and she could almost see the confused look on his face.

“When you go to the military...can I… can I visit you?”

They used to talk about it before. They talked about what they were gonna do when he finally enlists. They had plans. They were gonna get married first and have their 29 nights and 30 days honeymoon in Spain before he starts his service. She was gonna send him off and they were gonna send handwritten letters to each other. And now the plans they made were nothing more than a distant memory.

“Uhhh…” he trailed off and Naeun felt her cheeks burn up for having been out of line.

“I’m sorry,” she quickly tried to take it back. “I’m sorry I said anything. Please forget about it. I was being silly,” she chuckled nervously.

No, I wasn’t.

“I just don’t think—”

“No, no, Oppa..”

Please.

“Naeun-ah…” he said her name in a whisper. “This is just allー” he sighed. “I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m sorry but I don’t know what you want from me.”

Her already broken heart broke into a million more pieces. “You don't have to do anything. I’m sorry.”

I want you to tell me it’s not too late.

“Naeun-ah...”

“No, Oppa. Just… please take good care of yourself, please,” she said quietly. “Stay strong,” she managed to choke out through the tears that began to fall.

I miss you.

“I will. Thank you.”

It was quiet again until she made the mistake of sniffing, which made Taem