Hey sleepy head, how are you? I hope I’m not bothering you. Do you have time to meet up today? I could use some coffee if you’re down. My treat? 😉

            You bit your lip as you stared at your phone, wondering how to respond, the wave of anticipation and anxiety washing over you. You couldn’t tell why but you were so nervous. It was just a coffee date, and not even a date considering you barely knew each other. Regardless, you ran over all the scenarios, dreams, and nightmares of what could happen. You could spill coffee on yourself like you and Cookie did the first time you guys entered into what was now her coffee shop. You could make the unsuspecting and frankly annoyed baristas clean up after you. Perhaps you wouldn’t do any of this and perhaps you would be elegant, graceful, taking small sips of coffee in between charming smiles and giggles. Maybe you two would get lost in conversation so much so you wouldn’t touch your drinks. Maybe everything would go right and you would be right where you belonged.

            Maybe. First, you had to respond. You jotted off a quick “Yes, of course. We should try out my friend’s café SpecialTea,” before tossing your phone on the couch and hustling to the bathroom.

            As the warm water trailed down your skin, you stared at nothing in particular, your mind continuously trailing off to mere daydreams you hoped would become a reality. While this would normally be considered something trivial, more akin to a first date than something grand, you couldn’t help your pounding heart, considering your first date could hardly be considered anything more than an alcohol-fueled spew of passion and finesse. You yearned for something simpler, being surrounded by warm faces grabbing a simple cup of coffee instead of being surrounded by boys and girls looking for something to do and someone to be grabbing whatever alcohol they could find off the shelves. Just thinking about today reminded you of something you had missed, a familiarity, a simplicity, a warmth you didn’t want to acknowledge you had been deprived of for some time.

Though your fantasy of this simple date was welcoming, you couldn’t help but to overthink it, down to the last detail. What if they didn’t like the fragrance you were wearing? You shouldn’t be too overbearing. What if they didn’t like your outfit? Should you be cute, y, casual? What if they no longer found you interesting? You could only talk about yourself for so long; you didn’t necessarily find yourself to be an extraordinary person, not like them. What if this was a mistake? Could you ever show your face around them again? Who would be there to catch you when you fell? What if you could never find someone like them again? You would have to tell your brother and yourself that you just weren’t fit for love, for comfort. As you stepped out of the shower, the weight of this crippling anxiety forced you to sit, in your towel, on the lid of the toilet seat. You could get out of this right? You hadn’t confirmed anything yet and you could cancel with no hard feelings and continue your day as you expected, sitting on the couch, enjoying the freedom that was that rare day off. Yet, despite all the overthinking, all the anxiety, all the concerns, would you be able to stand and look at yourself in the mirror and smile? Would you be content letting some of the realness in your life flee so easily, without putting up a fight? You often had no problem fighting yourself—as you were now—so why would you stop with just that? You would go out, you would enjoy yourself, and you would cling onto this experience, this nearly negligible date and hope for the best. Moreover, you couldn’t back out now. You did have an event to attend in a matter of days. Resolved, you did your makeup, quickly chose an outfit and grabbed for your phone.

Great, see you in about an hour?

You smiled. You had twenty minutes to spare.

You watched the regular patrons come in and out so mindlessly, smiling at the sweet old lady with the coffee shop down the way, nodding at the aging widower who always gave chocolates out to the children playing in the street, flashing a thumbs up at the stressing college students swamped with paperwork. The powerful aroma of coffee relaxed you as you effortlessly destroyed a challenger on Words With Friends as you waited. The store owner and Cookie’s boyfriend, Xiumin, came up to you and offered you a straight black iced coffee, his cheeky smile irresistible.

“So?” he chimed, raising an eyebrow playfully.

“So, what?” you smirked, looking up from your phone.

“Who’s the lucky guy?” he inquired innocently, rocking back and forth with his hands behind his back like a child.

“What do you mean?” you challenged. “Can’t I just be here patronizing a good friend of mine?”

“Cookie has told me about this mystery guy. Is it him? Is it him?” he probed excitedly, his eyes turning to crescent moons as he pestered you.

“Has she told you about the girl, too?” you retorted, quickly adding another word to the board on your game.

“Ah, that’s right. Well at least I know you’re not just here to see my pretty face,” he quipped.

“Are you flirting with me, Mr. Xiumin?” you teased.

“Absolutely not, I’m not on the market,” he responded, feigning pride as he flipped his fluffy brown hair. The jingle of the bell at the door marked the entrance of another patron. This one was new. Xiumin glanced at the guest, then back at you, nodding and smiling a knowing smirk before scuttling off back to behind the counter. You stood, palms sweaty and heart racing, but mind steady.

“Ah, Lenena! It’s so nice to see you!” he exclaimed, instinctively running to hug you, his hold tight and assuaging.

“Shinwoo! Hi~ I’m glad you found the place okay. I realize I didn’t text you an address or anything,” you admitted after he reluctantly released you.

“No problem, no problem,” he assured you, rushing behind you to pull out your chair for you. “I’m just glad there is only one of these around. Had you asked to meet you at a Starbucks instead, I probably would have ended up at one downtown,” he chuckled nervously, causing your heart to lighten as you noted his vulnerability, his humanity.

“Psh, Starbucks who? This is a real coffeeshop and as much as I love my Refreshers, this place is much better. I like the atmosphere and I know the people.”

“Ah, so you got the hookups, I see. Maybe I should hang around with you more often,” he joked.

“Didn’t you say this was your treat?” you reminded him coyly.

“I was kidding! Of course, I want to treat you! Letters just weren’t enough and it’s so nice to see you in person again. You’re just so pretty in this much better lighting and I was just so excited to meet you again and—” he rambled, a light rosy pink running across his cheeks as he frantically picked up one of the take-out menus on the table.

“Shinwoo,” you began, masking your disquiet better, “I missed you, too,” you confessed, looking down at the table shyly.

“But why would you miss me?” he asked, confounded.

            “I could ask you the same thing,” you replied.

            “If I’m being honest, I really don’t know. I know that I shouldn’t feel this strongly about you, but I can’t stop thinking about you and I know that sounds really creepy and what not, but I mean it’s true and—”

            “Shinwoo, you sound like one of your letters. Take it easy, I’m right here,” you interrupted, reaching for his hand across the table.

            “Sorry, it’s just that where I’m from, I don’t get to get out much and I certainly have a hard time keeping friends around, let alone ones like you.”

            “Where you’re from?” you asked, raising an eyebrow and realizing that, beyond this man’s name, you didn’t know anything about him, nothing about his past, his upbringing, anything. All you knew was what he liked, how he thought about some social things, shallow, vapid things, yet you had grown so close to him, not bothering to venture into his life anymore than he allowed you to.

            “The military,” he blurted, the one secret he was trying so desperately to hide laid out on the table.

            “The military? Ah, so you’re an army boy?” you asked casually, much to his surprise. “Why are you so ashamed, then?” you probed, noticing his turmoil.

            “I-I’m not ashamed,” he stammered, trying more so to convince himself than anything.

            “Then why are you acting like this? Do you think that I will leave you or something?”

            “These things never last,” he muttered.

            “So you thought just keeping this kind of thing a secret was a better idea? That would explain all the letters now that I think about it.”

            “I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to have to put the pressure on you.”

            “Pressure? Shinwoo, look at me? If you’re not going to order and you’re not going to talk, the least you can do is look at me and believe me when I say that there is nothing that will keep me apart from you. You could be in the army, the police force, on the other side of the world for all I care, but if you put in the time and effort to keep up with me, then I will do the same for you without feeling obligated or burdened,” you assured him, cupping his cheek and making him flinch at your light touch. “I’m not even mad that you didn’t tell me. I am a bit sad that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. You said you didn’t want to burden me? Yeah, well I don’t want all the burden on you either,” you pointed out. He couldn’t say anything and only continued to stare. “Shinwoo?” He grumbled. “Are you afraid? How long have you been in?”

            “It’s been about a year now,” he answered humbly.

            “Out of two? That’s not so bad! You’re halfway there already!” you cheered enthusiastically, trying your hardest to get him to crack a smile to no avail. “Look, Shinwoo, it’s not all that bad. I’ve had lots of friends go into the army and they came back just fine. It’s not all that you hear on tv and in movies, especially if you’re just training. It’ll be over before you know it and the fact that you’ve made it halfway through attests to that,” you added.

            “I know it’s not like tv. It’s much worse and I-I’m afraid of that.”

            “Exactly what are you afraid of, Shinwoo?”

            “I’ve seen people with family members who serve and then something happens to that member and it’s like the light is just out of that person, the one who survived and then from then on, that person, the one who made it just feels all this guilt and I just don’t want to put anyone through that,” he enumerated. Your heart sank, but you fought to keep it afloat. While your brother had passed, there was nothing in your power that could ever save him, bring him back. Yet, you had this vulnerable man in front of you, baring his soul while doing one of the bravest things a citizen could do for his country. This man needed saving. This man needed you and you would give him all of you, even if it meant reliving a trauma that seemed to have taken so much from you.

            “Shinwoo, I understand the risk of this kind of thing. I’m a military baby myself and I can’t say that it’s always easy knowing that you have someone away. All you can really do is hope and I know that sometimes this hope seems so dangerous and it seems better to just let it go and cut it off, but that’s not the way to do it. I see that you need help, Shinwoo and I’m more than willing to stay with you so that I can help you. You have to let me stay with you first. You can’t just let this army thing get in the way of… whatever this is,” you explained, the last few words replaying in your head. Were you dating now? Were you merely friends? Who were you to Shinwoo to speak to him like this and who was he to hear bits of your trauma and see parts of your heart like this? Regardless, this was not important, you decided. What was important was that Shinwoo needed help, a support system and you could give it to him if you could convince him to stay with you instead of the other way around.

            “So, you’ll stay with me?” he asked, dumbfounded, numb.

            “Of course, I will. That’s what I’ve been trying to say this whole time. Can you tell me more about what it’s like? I think I need to hear more so I can better be there for you. If we’re going to do this, then we need to do this right. You said that letters aren’t enough so I want you to talk to me. Tell me everything.”

            “I-I have this friend. His name is Jinyoung. We went in around the same time. He’s such a headass, though,” Shinwoo stated, casually rolling his eyes. “If you look at him, you might think he was the serious type, but the boy is such an idiot and I guess I love him. He’s really been there for me this whole time. We’re inseparable. He was the one who convinced me to come out and do something grand with you.”

            “A coffee date is grand?” you chuckled, rolling your eyes and sticking your tongue out at Xiumin who was making his rounds.

            “Ah, I’m sorry. If this isn’t what you wanted, then we could go somewhere else! I could take you to the park or something?” he stammered, about to rise from his seat.

            “The park? I see your idea of grand is not the same as what anyone else would think,” you pointed out. He pouted, ashamed. “But, I like that. I’m not one for anything fancy most of the time, although an actual cup of coffee from this coffee shop would be nice. You’ve been holding the menu so tightly this whole time, I thought you were going to rip it.”

            “Ah, yes, of course. Wh-what do you want to drink?”

            “Don’t worry about me, the owner knows my special. Just tell him you want to order for me. Do you know what you want to drink?”

            “I think I’ll just have an iced americano?” You nodded, gesturing for him to get up and order.

            “Don’t worry, I’ll be right here when you come back~” you assured him, finally making him crack a subtle, yet thankful smile.

            ‘What even is this?” he asked, staring at the cup as he placed it in front of you.

            “It’s just a black iced coffee with just one pump of hazelnut topped with whipped cream. I take my coffee as black as my soul, as nutty as my brain, and just the tiniest bit sweet like me,” you jested, making him fake a groan of disgust.

            “You’re the absolute worst making jokes like that. Remind me why I came to see you?” he teased.

            “Because you love me.” Love? A second to think. A second to notice his face. A second to continue. “Now, as we were saying. What else goes on in the army camp?”

            “Nothing much. It’s whatever, honestly. It’s weird to say, but everyone has their cliques and Jinyoung and I, we just don’t really belong anywhere. We just do our own thing.”

            “And you’re happy with that, right?”

            “As happy as I can be doing mandatory military service. The cool thing is that I can either stay in the army, or I can opt for public service.”

            “Ah yeah, I heard about that change. So what do you want to do next? Do you want to stay in the army?”

            “Considering it’s only one more year, I may as well just stay. It’s been pretty peaceful so it seems like I will just be in and out. You won’t have to wait too long for me. It’s like that with your other friends, right?”

            “Yeah, Xiumin, the owner was like that. He went in, he did his training, and then he came back, just in time because I think my homegirl was getting a little antsy waiting so long for him,” you recalled. “And now, they’re just living their best lives.”

            “So, it’s just that easy, that simple?” he asked, somewhat amazed.

            “Yeah, life goes on and it’s up to you to do with it what you will. When he got out, he bought this run down coffee shop and made it into the bustling café that we’re sitting at right now. Cookie stayed around and is helping run the business right next to him, helping him see his dream of being a barista right through to the end. I’m sure it’s like this for a lot of people.”

            “And what if it isn’t? What about for the people that it’s not a fairytale reunion?” he mumbled, swirling his straw in his drink.

            “Life still goes on. Like you said, maybe there is some guilt involved, but most of the time, this is resolved and it goes away. You can’t expect a person to grieve for the rest of their life or they’re really not living at all.”

            “Would you grieve for me if something happened to me?”

            “Of course, I would! We still have a long way to go, but I feel more connected with you than I have with some people that I have called my friends for years and that’s saying something. To have you out of my life would be devastating and I wouldn’t know what to do at first, but just as I have done before, I will get up, move on and live a little.”

            “Before? So this has happened to you?”

            “Not something like this, no,” you lied. “But we all have something that we live through, that we grow through, but we won’t die from.” He nodded, his lips pursed slightly. He could see right through you.

            “So you will eventually move on and be happy?” You nodded. “Will you ever forget about me?”

            “I could never. Someone like you doesn’t come around very often and I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you and doing whatever this is so I can’t say that you will be forgotten.”

            “You keep saying ‘whatever this is’. What is this? What are we? Do you want me to make it easy on you?” You hummed, taking a sip of your drink and raising an eyebrow in anticipation. “Well, now that I know that you won’t leave me, I think it would be a good idea to.. ask you out, in person, officially,” he started.

            “So, are you asking me out or are you just saying now is a good time to do so? Those are two different things, my guy,” you teased, putting down your drink.

            “I-I, yeah, I’m,” he faltered before you lunged across the table to grab him by the collar and bring him in for a chaste but longing kiss. His eyes widened in shock as did yours when, after pulling away, you noticed you had spilled his drink on his black and white flannel. Though you were glad little got on the floor and Xiumin wouldn’t have to clean it, you cursed yourself. This was not one of the scenarios you had imagined as you stood in the shower!

            “, , ,” you cursed as you instinctively fell to the floor with napkins to blot up the coffee before tending to your company who had a few chills running down his spine on account of the ice cubes nestled in his crotch and melting through his tight jeans. “I am so so sorry,” you whimpered as you got new napkins and tried blotting him dry. To your shock, he was not upset and looked almost like he was enjoying the attention. You would have to call him out on that later. For now, you had to get this man cleaned up before he started to reek of espresso.

            “It’s fine, Lenena. I can just go to my hotel and take a shower there. It’s just coffee and this isn’t even one of my good flannels,” he tried to calm you, rising from his chair careful not to hit you as you bustled about still trying to dry him.

            “No, no, this is my fault. I’m taking you to my house and we can wash your clothes there, too,” you insisted, grabbing his muscular arm and nearly dashing out of the café, debating whether you were more embarrassed for making a scene of for wasting his drink on him.

            “I mean, if you wanted to take me home so badly, all you had to do was ask,” he flirted as he politely stepped into your apartment.

            “You know it’s not even like that!” you retorted.

            “Oh, so you don’t want me here? I could go home,” he reminded you, evil smirk crawling onto his face.

            “I didn’t say that! Come here, you big idiot,” you growled half-heartedly, grabbing his wrist and heading into the bedroom where the bathroom was.

            “Oh, and a tour of the bedroom? I didn’t know that I was so special~”

            “Oh, hush, just get in there and take a shower. Turn the handle to the right to make it hotter. There are some extra towels on the shelf and I’ll lay out some of clothes for you. I’m sure you can fit into some basketball shorts and an oversized tee while we wash your clothes?” you rushed, rummaging through your closet, staving off the thoughts of seeing him in all his chiseled glory and resisting the urge to rip his clothes off yourself.

            “I was kidding, Nena. Thank you, though,” he stated sincerely, bowing slightly until you took your leave.

            How did it come to this? It was supposed to be a simple coffee date and now you had a grown man in your shower, coffee on his clothes, and sordid thoughts racing through your mind. Moreover, this man, this friend, what was he? What were you? You both enjoyed each other’s company, you both were vulnerable, you both has a past, a fear, and a future. Only simply put, it was anything but that.