Jiwoo wasn’t stupid; she knew she was being used. 

She acted as if she didn’t know - or at the very least, as if she didn’t mind - when in reality, it pained her. Was she not enough to love without all the games? 

Still, she went along with it. 

There were moments when Jiwoo could pretend Sooyoung was hers. Those were few and fleeting moments, sure, but they almost made the pain of not being loved in return worth it. 

Like before she leaned in for a kiss, when Jiwoo could pretend that Sooyoung simply wanted her company, not mere physical affection. 

Or even the times when Jiwoo’s phone would ring and her heart would skip in her chest as her mind swam with delusions. 

Maybe this time Sooyoung was calling for something more than a two-second meet up. Maybe this time Sooyoung would apologise for all the unnecessary hurt she continually put Jiwoo’s heart through. Maybe, just maybe, Sooyoung would admit that she felt even an inkling of how Jiwoo felt for her. A lone butterfly in her stomach, or even a single flutter in her chest. Jiwoo would have settled for even the slightest hint that Sooyoung could ever feel the same way.

She knew that it was sad, or even pathetic, but she didn’t know what else to do.

So when her phone rang - recognising the ringtone she specifically set for Sooyoung - she immediately answered.

“Hello?”

Her eyes widened as she heard Sooyoung's strained voice. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll come over right now!”

“I came as quickly as I could,” Jiwoo called out as she barrelled through Sooyoung’s front door.

From her place on the sofa, Sooyoung smiled. The curve of was so slight that the smile almost didn’t exist, but it was enough to make Jiwoo’s heart soar. She patted the space next to her, scooching over to the side to let Jiwoo sit down.

As soon as she sat, Jiwoo brushed Sooyoung’s hair away from her face, revealing her puffy red eyes and runny nose. 

So many confusing feelings hit Jiwoo at once at the sight. Surprise at how beautiful Sooyoung still looked with the tear tracks on her face. Concern for whatever caused Sooyoung to cry like this. And even a tinge of happiness that Jiwoo was the person that she called at such a desperate time.

Sooyoung jerked away, avoiding eye contact.

“Were you crying?”

Sooyoung moved even farther away, tilting her head up so no more tears would fall. 

“What’s wrong?” Jiwoo pushed.

“It's my--" Sooyoung sniffled, her breathing unsteady as she struggled through the words. "My brother." 

Jiwoo said nothing, rubbing Sooyoung's back in soothing circles.

“He’s in the hospital, something about him drinking too much.” Sooyoung shook her head. “I should've known he was going to do something like this. I shouldn't have let him go out last night."

Sooyoung put her face in her hands, hiding her distress from Jiwoo. Even though her hands partly covered it, Jiwoo could see her angered expression. "God, I'm ing stupid," Sooyoung hissed.

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault," Jiwoo said in her softest possible voice. She took Sooyoung's hands off her face and held them tenderly. Seeing a single tear fall, Jiwoo rubbed it away with her thumb. "Don't blame yourself."

Sooyoung tore her hands away.

"I don’t think we can pay for it, and I’m so worried about him. I-- I don’t know what to do-- I can’t-- I--” She started to hyperventilate. 

When she heard it, Jiwoo could almost feel her own lungs tighten in response. 

She had seen Sooyoung cry before, but never like this. She looked broken. Sure, Jiwoo had seen fissures and cracks in Sooyoung’s strong persona before, but not quite to this extent. 

Sooyoung had always been responsible to the point of ruin. She had always felt like it was her duty to keep her family afloat, even while it seemed like no one else cared. Jiwoo had listened to Sooyoung's rants countless times. Most had to do with her family and how they only focused on themselves, leaving Sooyoung to fend for herself. 

Despite that, Sooyoung never blamed them. Instead, she took on all the responsibility and began caring for the ones that should have taken care of her. Sooyoung cared too much, was willing to destroy herself to keep everyone else happy. It broke Jiwoo’s heart.

“Look, you don’t have to speak. Just try to - to breathe, okay?” Jiwoo whispered, attempting to calm her. She racked her brain to think of ways to calm Sooyoung, trying to think of anything that might help her. “Breathe, just like me. Listen to my breathing and try to do the same.”

Jiwoo struggled to keep her breathing steady, trying to set a solid example for Sooyoung to follow. It must have worked, because in time Sooyoung’s breathing slowed. It still wasn't steady, but it was good enough for now.

“Tell me everything’s gonna be okay,” Sooyoung breathed out, her words almost a command.

Normally, Jiwoo would have done as Sooyoung said. Normally, she would have done anything to make Sooyoung happy again - done anything that Sooyoung wanted. But lying? That was something she’d never do to the older girl.

“Look,” Jiwoo said. She gently grabbed hold of Sooyoung’s chin, tilting her so that their eyes met. “I can’t tell you that everything’s fine and that you’re okay, because it isn’t and you aren’t. Things are terrible, unnie. You know that.” 

Sooyoung didn’t move away from Jiwoo’s grasp, but she did drop her gaze, staring down at the couch. 

“And you don’t gain anything from me lying to you,” Jiwoo continued. “So I’m going to be honest. I believe you can pull through this.” Jiwoo shook her head, chuckling faintly. “No, I believe you can do anything."

"I don't think I'm as strong as you think I am," Sooyoung admitted in a whisper.

"Maybe not." Jiwoo shrugged. "But I know you're stronger than this. You'll get through it, like you always have. And I want to be there when you do." 

"In fact, I’m willing to do pretty much anything to stay by your side.”

Sooyoung considered her words for a while, making Jiwoo almost regret her words. “Then stay.”

“Yeah?” Jiwoo asked, unbelieving. It was the first time she had ever told her to stay, and Jiwoo felt the tendrils of hope growing in her chest.

“Yeah.”

“Jiwoo?” 

At the sound of her name, Jiwoo's hands paused their rhythmic running through Sooyoung’s hair. “Hmm?” 

“Can you hold me?”

Jiwoo's response came instantaneously. "Of course." 

Jiwoo shifted closer, opening her arms as wide as possible. She grinned when Sooyoung came forward and let herself melt in Jiwoo's embrace. Jiwoo made sure to keep her hold gentle - to leave enough room for Sooyoung to breathe easily. 

Her touch made the room warmer somehow. Jiwoo could only hope that Sooyoung felt a fraction of what she did. Hope that she could bring Sooyoung the comfort she needed.

If she were being honest, Jiwoo would admit that she preferred Sooyoung like this, all small and human. She treasured when Sooyoung allowed herself to be listened to, to be held, to be loved. In times like this, Jiwoo could pretend like Sooyoung was hers to love.

"Jiwoo," Sooyoung murmured, "kiss me."

Of course, Jiwoo thought bitterly, isn't that what this is always about?

There was no love in how Sooyoung crushed her lips to Jiwoo's. No affection in how Sooyoung wound her fingers in her hair. Nothing but all-consuming passion. 

It felt good, of course, it always did. But Jiwoo couldn't ignore the disappointment that this was all Sooyoung needed her for. And honestly, Jiwoo was getting tired of it.