Sometimes Sooyoung thought of what it’d be like to have her. If Jiwoo would taste different if Sooyoung were brave enough to call the younger girl hers. 

Sometimes Sooyoung would give in and call Jiwoo first, the almost immediate “hello!” making it seem as if Jiwoo was waiting for her call all along. Sooyoung felt nothing but guilt on those days, guilt at the enthusiastic tone of Jiwoo’s voice, guilt at the sight of Jiwoo turning up at her door, guilt at the disappointment on Jiwoo’s face when yet again Sooyoung greeted her with a kiss.

Sooyoung’s body reached out without her even telling it to, her hands moving to Jiwoo before Sooyoung herself even noticed. Apparently, she craved Jiwoo in a way she couldn’t comprehend.

Sooyoung knew that the younger girl wanted more, wanted a genuine connection, wanted affection more meaningful than mindless kisses, wanted Sooyoung’s love, but those are exactly the things that Sooyoung could not give. Sooyoung knew that one day it would no longer be enough, that the tenuous relationship (if it could be called that) they shared would fall apart when Jiwoo finally asked for what she deserved. 

In her head, Sooyoung thought ‘I love you’ and maybe Jiwoo thought the same. That thought only brings a fresh bout of guilt. Sooyoung didn’t know if she could handle if those words were ever spoken aloud, didn’t know what she’d do in that situation. So she was determined to savour every bit of Jiwoo she could get before then.

Sooyoung wasn’t quite sure when want turned into need. 

She watched as Jiwoo threw her head back and laughed at yet another one of her jokes. Sooyoung stared at the sweep of her neck for several seconds too long, trying in vain to not think about how nice it was to kiss.

.

“You’re quitting the dance team?” Jinsol asked, incredulous. Since she was the co-captain (or well, the captain, now that Sooyoung was leaving), Sooyoung thought it would be best to tell her first. “But--”

“I’m sorry,” Sooyoung said quickly, cutting her off before she could try to convince Sooyoung to stay. “I know the competition’s coming up and we’ve been practicing for weeks. I just need to focus on other things right now,” she explained, trying to keep it vague, not wanting the other girl’s pity.

Jinsol nodded slowly at Sooyoung’s words, taking them in. “We’ll miss you, you know?”

“I’ll miss you all too.” Sooyoung smiled to herself. These past few years in the dance team had been some of the best in her life, and she had made some fantastic memories. Not just because she loved to dance, but also because of the great girls she met because of it. “And I’m not leaving school - just the team. You’ll still see me around.”

“You’re leaving?” a small voice said. Sooyoung turned and met eyes with Chaewon, who had just slid the door open to enter. She looked disappointed, her brow furrowed and lips pouted. “You’re leaving us?”

"I--"

“First my dad and now Sooyoung-unnie?” Hyejoo said from beside her. She looked as exasperated as usual, so Sooyoung couldn’t really tell if she was joking or not. "Everyone leaves in the end," she sighed.

Apparently the captain leaving her team just before the most important competition of the year was big news, and as such it travelled through the school pretty quickly. Sooyoung tried to pretend like everyone talking about her wasn’t bothering her in the slightest, ignoring the whispers making up reasons why she had to leave, the spreading of small stupid rumours.

“I heard she was kicked out,” one such whisper said, not so subtly staring at Sooyoung all throughout lunch. “Someone saw her at the bar after school and they couldn’t let someone who’d drink underage lead the team.”

“No way,” another person said. “I heard she was pregnant! She couldn’t do dance anymore cause all of the moving and stuff would shake the fetus and it’d come out all ed up.”

“What really?”

“Yeah, heard it from a credible source.”

Sooyoung rolled her eyes. She never understood why people who had never met her thought that her life was any of their business. Even if they were right, which they weren’t at all, they were still annoying as . Didn’t they have anything more interesting to focus on?

Jiwoo cornered her about it one day as she was leaving early to head to her part-time job. Just as she was putting the books she needed into her bag, Jiwoo came up to her. “You’re quitting dance?”

“Nope.”

Jiwoo breathed out a sigh of relief, which puzzled her. Why would it matter to her?

“I already quit. Told the team last Tuesday.” Sooyoung informed her. She leaned back against her locker. Knowing Jiwoo, this would be a long conversation. “Honestly, I’m surprised it took you this long. Seems like everyone’s been talking about since then.”

“I didn’t believe them. They kept saying such stupid stuff. Drinking, drugs, getting pregnant, even punching a girl in the dance team!” Jiwoo listed, pout growing on her face. “You’d never do any of that! At least, I don’t think you would. Then again, I didn’t think you’d ever quit and obviously I was wrong about that.”

“Yeah, I guess you were.”

“But you love to dance!” Jiwoo exclaimed, surprising her a little. 

In every conversation she’s had about leaving, Sooyoung’s love for it had never come up. It was always about the competition, or about how much the team needed her, or about who was going to be the captain now that she was gone. Even Sooyoung herself hadn’t even thought about it like that, had ever considered that what she wanted held any merit at all.

“Sure." Sooyoung shrugged after a while. “But there are some things that are more important.”

“More important than your happiness?” Jiwoo asked, incredulous.

“Happiness,” Sooyoung repeated to herself, considering it for a second. She couldn’t remember the last time she had put her happiness before what she needed to do. If she ever did, she’d be selfish. Sooyoung scoffed. “Who gives a about my happiness?”

“I do!” 

“Well, then you’re the only one.” 

Sooyoung couldn’t stand the way Jiwoo looked at her. It was clear that she wanted Sooyoung to be happy with no ulterior motive behind it. She appreciated Sooyoung, even the vulnerable, imperfect girl behind the mask that Sooyoung always wore. That thought might be freeing if it didn’t terrify Sooyoung to the very core. Because Sooyoung didn’t believe that girl was worth appreciating in the first place. 

“Goodbye, Jiwoo,” Sooyoung said, making her voice firm to swiftly end the conversation.

Jiwoo puffed up as she took in a breath, as if she wanted to say more. She apparently decided against it because she just nodded, her heel, and walked off. 

Sooyoung watched her leave, momentarily seized with a desire to pull her back. But it was only for a moment. In the end, she let her arm fall back to her side, let Jiwoo slip into the classroom next to the lockers, let the door close behind Jiwoo as if the younger girl was never there.

It had been a while since Sooyoung needed to have two jobs. Her brother had been better as of late, stopped his gambling and drinking and picked up a job as a taxi driver to help support them. That had allowed Sooyoung to quit her part-time job at the cafe and join the dance team like she had always wanted to. She still needed to work at the restaurant - providing for a whole household wasn't easy - but at least that way she could also do other things.

But of course, he had recently slipped back into his old habits - trying to find happiness at the bottom of the bottle - and with their mother barely coherent, that only left Sooyoung to help out. Hospital bills weren’t cheap after all. And he wouldn't be able to work for a while, so she'd have to keep up the two jobs indefinitely.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered to her from his hospital bed. “I don’t know what came over me.”

He looked pitiful just laying there. His stomach had just been pumped from drinking too much, and his face was covered in bruising from a bar fight. Some of the bones in his hand were even fractured and were now covered in a thick cast.

“It's fine,” Sooyoung said, shaking her head, refusing to accept his apology. She forced a smile, hiding her exhaustion. She didn’t want him to feel even worse than he did.

Being the only one to visit and having to look for a job in the few hours that he let himself rest was taking a toll on her. And of course, pretending that everything was fine to her team members (ex team members) and friends also tired her out. 

“No, it isn't. I promised to be better--” he tried to hold Sooyoung’s hand, making him breathe in sharply when his action moved his injured hand too quickly. 

“Then get better. Get some rest and focus on feeling better, okay?” She laid his hand over his, gently to not disturb the cast. “Please sleep?”

Stepping out of the room, Sooyoung finally let herself breathe - exhaling a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Her brother had gone to sleep, finally, and visiting times were going to be over in less than an hour so she had no reason to stay. 

She dreaded going home though, because that would mean that Sooyoung would have to complete all her essays and see the sorry state their mother no doubt put herself in. And (if their internet bills were still being paid that is), she’d also have to look online for jobs that would take her. Maybe buy food in the morning, go to class, and come see her brother again.

It seemed like everything was piling on her. Sooyoung felt like she had no room to breathe, no time to herself. Everything felt like it needed to be done right this very instant and it was weighing Sooyoung down. She doubted she’d even have much time to sleep - that is if her too-busy mind let her sleep at all.

Speaking of busy, the entire hospital was practically buzzing with activity. It was too loud for Sooyoung to handle, especially when it merged with the too-many thoughts crowding her brain. It was quickly becoming too much for her to handle.

“Sooyoung unnie?”

There was Jiwoo, standing in front of her, like some guardian angel in disguise. With her hair tucked up into a neat bun, slight makeup on her face, and a comfortable sweater over her, she looked good. A lot better than Sooyoung - who felt like a complete mess - probably looked at the very least. 

“Jiwoo,” Sooyoung addressed, surprise evident in how her voice was higher than usual. “What’re you doing here?”

“You said your brother was here. I wanted to give him some flowers or something.” She lifted the bouquet (a tasteful collection of purple flowers) in her hands for Sooyoung to see it. Impressive. Jiwoo had only met him once and yet somehow correctly guessed his favourite colour. “I didn’t want him to feel lonely.”

“He’s asleep,” Sooyoung told her. And the one who feels lonely is me. “Wanna go somewhere with me instead? I don't really wanna go home right now.”

This wasn’t supposed to happen again, Sooyoung thought, but that thought quickly escaped her mind as soon as Jiwoo’s lips met hers again and parted. Jiwoo’s hands rested lightly on the back of Sooyoung’s neck, the way her fingertips pressed into Sooyoung leaving her breathless and urging her even closer.

After Jiwoo agreed to go somewhere with her, Sooyoung had pulled her into an empty room and somehow they ended up like this.

Somehow, Sooyoung’s hands ended up sinking in Jiwoo’s hair, fingernails against her scalp. That by itself wouldn’t be worrying, but the way that she didn’t want to let go, the way that her brain melted and seemed to stop functioning, and the intense feeling of desire that surged through her - they made Sooyoung feel scared in a way she hadn’t in a long time.

Sooyoung jerked back.

“I should-- I should go home,” she panted out.

Jiwoo nodded after a while, staring back, looking just as overwhelmed as Sooyoung felt. 

“You could come over,” Jiwoo said softly, her words more like a question, the simple statement sounding more like a plea. “If you really don’t want to go home, you don’t have to.”

Her large doe eyes peered up at Sooyoung, insecurity practically visible in them. It almost made Sooyoung change her mind, almost made her give in.

“I know,” Sooyoung said, even though the exact opposite was true. 

In reality, Sooyoung felt like she didn’t know anything anymore, let alone what to say, so she did what they always do instead of speaking - gave Jiwoo another kiss, this time controlled and calculated and hard. This type of kiss was simple. There was no love, no tenderness, nothing in it that made Sooyoung overthink every moment she’s had with the younger girl. 

When she pulled away again, Sooyoung had to tell herself to ignore the hurt on Jiwoo’s face.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll see you at school.”