First kisses.

From her fuzzy memories, Jiwoo remembered hers to be somewhat dull. As the story goes, one day, Jiwoo and her childhood friend had been wondering what it’d feel like. They’d seen the overly-dramatised, intimate kisses on the romantic movies and shows their mothers would watch together. At five, neither of them really knew anything besides what they’d seen on TV and, like kids usually are, they got curious. 

Jiwoo didn’t see what the big fuss was all about. It was just pressing your lips together, right? Jungeun, on the other hand, fell into the whole romantic thing, believing all that ‘connection of souls’ baloney all the movies kept pushing.

They argued about what’d be like - Jiwoo thought that, for sure, their noses would get in the way and it’d be more gross than anything. Jungeun argued, saying that obviously couples tilted their heads to avoid that from happening. Wanting to settle it for good, Jiwoo leaned in and landed a rushed smooch on her lips. 

It wasn’t bad, wasn’t good. Just quick. Forgettable, even.

Jiwoo didn’t even know what she had done, got confused when Jungeun pushed her away and yelled (well, more like squawked), hiding with her hands. “You took my first kiss!”

“Yeah, so?”

Back then, Jiwoo had thought that Jungeun was being ridiculous. Even now as Jiwoo sits in front of Jungeun with their friends, occupying the same cafeteria table they always do, she thought the same thing.

“I, uh, haven’t had my first kiss yet,” Jungeun said, making Jiwoo frown. Liar.

Haseul rubbed Jungeun’s back comfortingly, saying something about how “it’ll happen eventually!” and how she "shouldn’t worry about it”. Jiwoo wondered if Haseul could see how red Jungeun was getting, both her cheeks and her ears blushing. Jiwoo hoped that she didn’t - Jungeun had only just gotten over her year-long crush and resurfacing it wouldn’t do any good for either of them. Especially with whatever was going on between Haseul and Vivi.

For a Catholic school, most of my friends are really gay, Jiwoo noted to herself, almost laughing at the irony of it all.

Eventually, the friend group went on to harass Heejin into telling her own sordid tale of her first kiss. With how pushy their friends could be, Jiwoo was glad she dodged a bullet by shrugging and saying “just a childhood friend. Pretty boring.” The truth could be liberating.

“Heejin-unnie, come on who was it?” whined Yeojin from beside Haseul. She was long done with her lunch of chilli cheese fries, and had started the whole ‘first kiss’ discussion in the first place.

“Stop annoying her,” Hyunjin said, who had been uncharacteristically quiet after her own story, “maybe she hasn’t had it yet.”

“I’m just curious!” Yeojin defended, gesturing with her hands so aggressively that Jiwoo worried that her fork would fly out and hurt some poor defenseless student.

“No, you’re being annoying--”
 

“Y-you don’t know her, okay?’ Heejin snapped out in annoyance, voice louder and harsher than usual. Her eyebrows were scrunched up and face contorted in anger. “So just shut up about it!”

Oh , Jiwoo thought, curiosity piqued, her?

Of course, Jiwoo had a hunch - no way were all her friends het - but admitting it aloud took guts. Especially here. Even Jiwoo herself hadn’t admitted that the childhood friend she was just talking about was a girl. She saw Hyunjin shift uncomfortably, her movement ever so slight that Jiwoo almost missed it. 

Oh , Jiwoo thought for a second time. Hyunjin?

From beside her, Sooyoung grinned. 

Ignoring the tension, Sooyoung said something about how girls were better than guys at kissing anyway, adding some offhand comment about how cute girls were. Even if Sooyoung wasn't looking at her, Jiwoo knew she was teasing her - her hand gripping Jiwoo's underneath the table. A deep red blush formed on Jiwoo’s cheeks at the sudden action. 

Vivi gazed up at them, a knowing look in her eyes, and it's all Jiwoo could do to not squeak. No, the look wasn’t just knowing. It was pitying, almost. Like Vivi knew exactly what Jiwoo was going through, knew she was being used - like a mere romantic outlet rather than a living breathing person, with feelings that deserved to be respected. Like Vivi knew that Jiwoo let herself be used. Jiwoo had never felt so small, with Sooyoung’s hand constricting hers and Vivi staring her down.

Okay so, Jiwoo probably should’ve been a better friend. Sitting on a bench in the courtyard of their school, Jiwoo couldn’t help but feel ty that she hadn’t noticed how much Heejin had been hurting. She placed her hand over Heejin’s, squeezing ever so slightly in a gesture of ‘I’m here’ that she hoped was at least a little comforting to the younger girl. 

Half an hour ago, the bell dismissing all classes for the day had gone off. Before Jiwoo could say goodbye to all her friends in her last class, Heejin had pulled her aside, saying that there was something she needed to talk about. And now here they were, on semi-deserted school grounds (everyone who wasn’t in after school clubs pretty much vanish the second they’re allowed to leave), with Heejin confiding in her with tears in her eyes.

Man, she really should have noticed her best friend was suffering like this. (Yes, Heejin shared the best friend title along with Jungeun, what about it?)

“Seriously, how could she?” Heejin said, halfway between rage and despair. “How could she kiss me so wonderfully and pretend it never happened? Like it, like it meant nothing. Like I mean nothing.”

She kicked at the dirt underneath them, not caring if her school shoes became scuffed or muddy.

“No, I wish Hyunjin acted like it didn’t happen.” Heejin shook her head, correcting her words. “She acts like she’s so ashamed that it happened, like it’s the worst thing she’s ever done, and expects me to be the one to forget. As if I haven’t been waiting for that moment ever since I first saw her. So I had to lie, say I kissed some other girl when really all I’ve ever wanted is her.”

“That’s rough, buddy,” she said. Jiwoo’s never been the best with words, her idea of emotional support being more action-based. 

She winced when Heejin let out a watery chuckle, pulling her into a tight hug to comfort her in the only way she knew how. She pecked the top of Heejin’s head, once, twice, three times, making exaggerated ‘mwah’ sounds each time until Heejin’s laugh sounded more genuine.

Once Jiwoo decided it was okay to pull away, she screwed her face up and attempted once more to voice her thoughts. Heejin deserved that much at least, deserved to hear that someone was with her. “I’m being serious. That sounds like it really , Heejin.”

“Mm. It does,” Heejin agreed pitifully. Her eyes focused on the ground, looking more defeated than Jiwoo had ever seen. Jiwoo hated it, wanted to be able to do more for her dear friend. “You know, I thought kissing Hyunjin would be the best feeling in the world. And it is-- was , don’t get me wrong, but being left alone afterwards really takes away any happiness I could take from it.”

Jiwoo knew that all too well, having been left alone by Sooyoung too many times to count. Jiwoo knew the emptiness that always came after, but how the soaring high made it almost seem worth it in the moment.

“I don’t expect her to tell me she loves me. I don’t expect her to go in front of the entire school and proudly say that she’s with me. All I want is a hint that I’m not the only one falling,” Heejin continued, before turning to face Jiwoo. “Is that so much to ask?”

Jiwoo thought that she’d never seen Heejin look so small, looking up at her as if she’s desperate for an answer. Her voice was tiny too, so different from how loud and confident she knew it could be.

“No, not at all.” Jiwoo shook her head. “You deserve a lot more.”

And inside her head, Jiwoo decided that she deserved a lot more too. More than the half-love Sooyoung was prepared to give.

Jiwoo couldn’t stand it anymore. Couldn’t stand Sooyoung’s feather-light touches, her soft, almost caring gaze. She couldn’t stand whenever Sooyoung treated her so tenderly, because every action made it just a little easier to delude herself into believing it meant something. And Jiwoo knew it didn’t mean a single thing to Sooyoung. She knew that she meant nothing to Sooyoung.

Nothing more than a friend, anyway. Just a friend that Sooyoung kept around because she was easy to kiss, easy to manipulate, to control. Because Jiwoo so desperately wanted her, and Sooyoung so desperately needed to be wanted.

Just like now. 

After Jiwoo’s heart-to-heart to Heejin, Jiwoo went to the choir room and made an excuse to go home early - “Jiwoo’s tummy hurts,” she lied, clutching her stomach and faking her pain, “but I’m sure I’ll be ready to sing tomorrow!” - and walked home. Since her house was fairly far, she was a little exhausted by the time she got to her door, and ready to chuck her backpack to the side and jump into her bed. She almost did just that, until--

“Sooyoung?”

There the older girl was, sitting on her bed, flicking through the pages of one of the books on Jiwoo’s personal bookcase.

Sooyoung’s head jerked up at the sound of her name, and she smiled brightly once her eyes connected with Jiwoo’s. Jiwoo bit her lip, trying to ignore the flutter in her heart at that damned smile. The very same one that she could never get out of her head.

“Oh, you’re here!” Sooyoung said, tilting her head in confusion. “Did choir end early?”

“Skipped,” Jiwoo stated plainly. She paused for a bit, not wanting her next words to come off as rude. “Um, what are you doing here? 

When Sooyoung’s smile slightly faded, Jiwoo immediately backtracked. “Not that you’re not allowed to be here! I’m just wondering, is all.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I know it’s weird--” Sooyoung laughed lightly, but Jiwoo could tell that it was forced. Jiwoo hated that it was forced. “It’s just, well, you told me that day at the hospital that I could come over if I wanted. If I didn’t want to go home.”

Jiwoo’s eyes went to Sooyoung’s hands, which had let go of the book to fiddle with the ends of Jiwoo’s blanket. She’s nervous , Jiwoo noted, scared, maybe. Of me? Of- of the thought of going home?

“Yeah, of course you can be here!” Jiwoo said, words coming out of so quick it could’ve been a rap. “I’m glad you’re here!”

“Thanks.” Sooyoung’s smile returned - a little somber now, but still as breathtaking. “Your, uh, your dad’s nice.”

“He’s okay,” Jiwoo said. 

She smiled to herself because it was the first time in a while that she could say those words and mean it. He was okay - or at least, getting close to it - finally. Jiwoo’s mother’s death had hit them both pretty hard but, after months of going through the motions joylessly, things were finally starting to heal. Jiwoo even heard him crying less and less. 

It was odd, going back to normal. On one hand, it was for the best, the only way they could move forward. On the other, it felt like they were pretending she never existed. It seemed unfair to keep living as if nothing had changed when so much had. But Jiwoo tried not to think about that because it only ever made her angry.

Jiwoo took in a breath and fixed her usual grin on her face again. Acting happy was always a little easier whenever Sooyoung was around. 

After a surprisingly non-awkward dinner with Sooyoung on Jiwoo’s one side and her father on the other, the two girls went back to Jiwoo’s bedroom. 

It was a little embarrassing knowing that Sooyoung had already looked around, seen the books she’d read too many times, the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, the dozens of plushies littered around. Jiwoo worried that she might think that she was childish. But when Sooyoung’s phone started to ring in her pocket and Sooyoung threw it to one side, terrified, those thoughts seemed trivial and stupid.

“What’s wrong?” Jiwoo asked, swiping ‘decline’ on the call, her eyebrows raising as she saw the contact name. Her mother?

“I-” Sooyoung started, gulping, “I don’t wanna go home, Jiwoo.”

“Okay!” Jiwoo said, voice a little too loud. She cleared and tried it again, quieter this time. Calm. “Okay.”

The two of them lay there, side by side, staring up at the stars glowing on Jiwoo’s ceiling. Neither of them had closed their eyes, both having something to say but neither wanting to be the one to break the silence.

Eventually, it was Sooyoung that spoke up.

“These are really pretty,” she said, stretching her arm out as if to touch them. Like the real stars in the sky, they were too far away. Unreachable.

“Yeah,” Jiwoo replied in a whisper, “my mom gave them to me. She always gave me good things -- stuff I didn’t even know I wanted, Good advice too.”

“Yeah?” Sooyoung to her side to face Jiwoo. “Tell me something then. I’m in need of good advice.”

Jiwoo felt a little guilty for it, but the first thing that crossed her mind was something that had always reminded her of the girl gazing at her. See, Jiwoo’s mother always said to her “sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really want for something you need”. And yes, Jiwoo did want Sooyoung, desperately - crazily. But what she needed was to be treated better. She deserved to be treated better. How would selfish would she be if she pushed away Sooyoung now? When Sooyoung needed her? Maybe, just maybe, someone else’s needs mattered more sometimes. 

“Always brush your teeth as soon as you wake up?” Jiwoo tried.

Luckily, Sooyoung found the funny side and let out a laugh. “Exactly what I needed. Thanks.”

“Jiwoo’s always here to give you whatever you need!” she replied, mustering up all her enthusiasm. Cheering up Sooyoung was something she always wanted to do.

“Whatever I need?” Sooyoung asked in a whisper. 

“Yes?” Jiwoo answered nervously. 

The way Sooyoung’s eyes kept flicking to her lips, the way the older girl inched forward, the way Sooyoung was so close that her breath tickled Jiwoo’s face -- it was all getting to be a bit too much. Jiwoo closed her eyes, overwhelmed.

“Can I kiss you?”

No , Jiwoo wanted to say. Please, need me for something more than this .

But, as usual, she didn’t say those words. Couldn’t. Instead, Jiwoo leaned in.

Sooyoung ran her fingers through the soft locks of hair behind Jiwoo’s neck, tickling her slightly. If Jiwoo’s mouth weren’t so busy trying to keep up with Sooyoung’s, she might’ve let out a laugh at the sensation. Sooyoung’s hand trailed down lower, to the more sensitive parts of Jiwoo’s neck and Jiwoo could no longer hold back her laughter. The vibrations of it make Sooyoung laugh too, and Jiwoo thought that sound of it felt even better than the kisses did. 

No, not the indescribable sensation of Sooyoung’s tongue sliding into her slightly-open mouth, or when Jiwoo’s bottom lip was caught between her teeth, this was the best part. When Jiwoo felt like she was actually helping her. When Jiwoo made her feel happier .

Jiwoo’s heart swelled and she just couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I love you,” Jiwoo breathed out.

It should’ve been relieving to say - because , she’d been holding on to and bottling up her feelings for Sooyoung for far too long - but when Sooyoung froze up, it did the opposite. Jiwoo felt the older girl tense up in her arms, her arms and shoulders growing stiff as she heard Jiwoo’s words, and wished she’d never said it at all.

“I--” Sooyoung’s eyebrows scrunched up in deep thought, eyes never reaching Jiwoo’s gaze. “Jiwoo, you know that I-- I can’t .”

“I’m--” Jiwoo let out a shaky breath, gathering the blankets and pillows she’d need to sleep downstairs, “I’m sleeping on the couch. You can stay here.”

Sooyoung’s hand shot out, gripping Jiwoo’s wrist like a vice. “Stay,” she said, almost pleading.

“Why?” Jiwoo pushed. 

She wanted Sooyoung to say it, not ‘I love you’ or even ‘I like you’. Just anything, really. Anything that even hinted that Sooyoung felt an inkling of affection towards her. Anything that proved that, someday, her feelings could be reciprocated. Just the slightest thing.

“Because I--” Sooyoung started, just like how Jiwoo’s chest began to fill with hope at her words.

Sooyoung stopped, faltering with her words. Jiwoo deflated, her hope evaporating into the air just as quickly as it had formed.

“Yes?”

“Well I--” Sooyoung sighed. “I don’t know.”