Sooyoung didn’t fall asleep that night. Couldn’t.

The next night, the same thing happened. Then the next. Sooyoung was getting too used to sleepless nights, bags forming under her eyes. Still, it was better than staying at the hospital and passing out by her brother’s side, or crying herself to a restless sleep in her own bed. At least beside Jiwoo… everything else felt at rest.

She stared up at the stars decorating Jiwoo’s ceiling and distracted herself from her vibrating phone (she didn’t really want to deal with phonecalls from a mother barely pretending to care about where she was) by wondering how many constellations a younger Jiwoo saw up there. She recognised a few - the Big Dipper too precisely laid out to be an accident. Only then did Sooyoung realise how little she actually knew about the girl she had supposedly been friends with for years. It wasn’t fair how Sooyoung had filed her away in a ‘girls that like me’ folder for so long. It wasn’t fair how Sooyoung kept her around because someone wanted her, someone that her brain and heart apparently wanted in return, simply felt nice. Would she have ever known that Jiwoo liked to stargaze if she hadn’t selfishly came over, without asking, just to steal away a few kisses that would only make her feel better temporarily.

“I love you.” Even remembering the words made Sooyoung shudder.

Jiwoo meant it. That was the scariest part of all. To Sooyoung love meant little more than pain and sacrifice. It meant mornings where you wake up so filled with worry that you can’t even eat. It meant nights where you come home and - with shaky hands - place a blanket onto a barely breathing body, pick up all the empty bottles, and cry into alcohol-reeking hands. Sooyoung’s brother, mother, hell even her father… loving them all only ever made her feel exhausted and burnt out. It meant leaving parts of herself - dance, studies she actually enjoyed - so that things could be slightly better for all of them.

Maybe it meant the same thing to Jiwoo. It wasn’t hard to see that she had hurt Jiwoo countless times by now. She wasn’t blind. She saw the hurt behind her eyes every time they kissed now, saw Jiwoo battling with her desire for something more than Sooyoung could offer.

After Sooyoung told her to stay - even though Sooyoung couldn’t voice why - Jiwoo did. For multiple nights now, she lay beside Sooyoung. Because Sooyoung asked and that was apparently enough for her. It shouldn’t have been, Sooyoung thought. Jiwoo should’ve respected herself enough to properly set the boundaries she attempted to. In a sick way, Sooyoung was glad Jiwoo didn’t.

Casting her gaze down, Sooyoung watched the moonlight dance on Jiwoo’s features. The lines on her face from laughing so much and smiling so wide. Her adorable button nose and round cheeks. Even with a relaxed expression, Jiwoo was so… Jiwoo.

It was hard for Sooyoung to explain what that name fully meant to her, especially since she just realised she never really knew Jiwoo at all. Jiwoo to her was a radiant sunshine, filled with a brightness and happiness Sooyoung had never truly felt for herself. That pure joy rubbed off on everyone she met. People couldn’t help but feel lighter and more carefree when Jiwoo was around, as if she were some sort of angel handing out rays of happiness to everyone that crossed her path. At least, Sooyoung knew she felt better around Jiwoo. As if Sooyoung was the moon, merely reflecting Jiwoo’s brightness, stealing some of that joy for her own.

Foolishly, Sooyoung had thought that Jiwoo’s joy was endless. That taking some for her own wouldn’t matter much compared to the infinite. But now she knew. Every kiss seeped some away from Jiwoo, being around Sooyoung made her duller. Made her less herself.

Sooyoung’s hand stretched out of its own accord, swiping some of Jiwoo’s hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. Jiwoo smiled subconsciously, a more real one than she’d had for days, moving towards the warmth of Sooyoung’s hand and Sooyoung jerked away as if she’d touched and was burned by a hot stove. The way Jiwoo smiled because of her… it confirmed what Sooyoung was afraid of. It would be so easy to return that happiness tenfold, to just accept the feelings Jiwoo had, but Sooyoung still couldn’t allow herself too.

Sooyoung hated how selfish she was. Here was Jiwoo, who time and time again sacrificed portions of herself for Sooyoung to have. And she couldn’t even make herself do the bare minimum in return.

Her sudden movement made her head fall back against the pillow, thudding against something hard underneath it. She hissed in pain, rubbing the back of her head, and she turned around, puzzled. That wasn’t the headboard. It wasn’t hard enough to be. Fumbling in the dark, Sooyoung’s hand met with a book hidden underneath the mattress cover. Logically, there was only one thing that could be. Jiwoo’s diary.

She didn’t mean to invade Jiwoo’s privacy but her eyes met with her name. Even a quick glance revealed ‘Sooyoung’ on the page over and over.

“You can read it.”

Sooyoung jumped back in surprise, heart leaping out of her chest at being caught. “I wasn’t going to--”

Jiwoo smiled, but it was soft and sad. Her eyes were barely open, voice still filled with sleep, drowsy in tone and movement. “I know. It’s okay anyway. I want you to see it-- I don’t think I could say it out loud.”

Sooyoung gulped. tense from being given such trust which she felt she didn’t deserve

Dear Ma,

Ever since you died, everything’s felt so empty. Like I’m just going through the motions because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. Because I can’t do anything else. Nothing has any purpose anymore. Who cares if I get a good grade, if we win a choir competition… it’s not like there’s anyone to congratulate me anyway.

I know I’m wrong. I know there are still people left that would be proud of me. But even though I know that, I still feel it. My therapist (you would’ve liked her, she’s nice) says I should write to you. To remind myself you’re still here and that I can talk to you, that you can see what I’m doing and you’re proud, even if you can’t show it like you used to.

There’s a girl. I’ve talked to you about her before. Sooyoung unnie.

(You wouldn’t have liked her, probably would’ve told me to stay away, but I do. I really genuinely do. If I could call it love without sounding desperate, I would. So you would’ve tried to. Maybe that’s what matters)

There’s something you always said that stuck with me. “Sometimes, you have to give up the chance to have something you want for something you need.” How do you know if it’s one of those times? How did you know… to give up singing to spend your time raising me?

Because I really want Sooyoung. I want to be the one that makes her smile and laugh, that tells her that it’s okay not to be perfect. To show her that she deserves love anyway. At the same time, I need to protect my heart. When a want becomes so intense that it feels like a need… how can you even tell which side is which? My heart’s telling me that what I need to do is to go all in. Give everything to Sooyoung until she’s ready to give something back. I think I’m okay with that. But my brain is yelling at me that I’m being ridiculous. Selfish even.

It’s like I think I’m being the hero by sacrificing myself to make Sooyoung feel even the slightest bit better. When really I’m the villain, because I keep asking for something she might not even want to give.

Reading Jiwoo’s words, a guilt gnawed at her. 

“You know, you’re the only one who has told me they love me when I’m not putting on a strong face,” Sooyoung told her, not looking Jiwoo in the eye even once as she spoke. “And I’m glad - I think - but it also terrifies me.” 

Jiwoo frowned to herself. She never meant to scare the other girl, never thought that her feelings could even have such a ty consequence. “I’m sorry?”

Sooyoung didn’t seem to hear her, instead carrying on with her rant. “With everyone else, I know how to act around them to make them like me. But with you… You want me when I’m just me. And I have no clue who that is. I don’t even think she’s worth loving. Not in the way you love me. Not so… completely.”

“I don’t love you for any particular reason,” Jiwoo burst out, itching to refute Sooyoung’s self-deprecating words. “Not because you’re smart, or strong, or beautiful - even though I do think all of those things about you as well. You’re just… Sooyoung unnie. That’s always been enough for me.”

“What if one day I everything up and you just stop?” Sooyoung said in a shaky breath. “If I stop being the person you think I am and suddenly I’m not worth the effort?”

“You don’t need to deserve love. It just… happens. You could change everything about yourself and I’d never think any less of you. Promise.” Jiwoo put her hands on Sooyoung’s shoulders, turning her to face her. “I hate that you think you don’t deserve my love.”

“Yeah, I hate it too.” Sooyoung placed her hand over Jiwoo’s. “Jiwoo. I think you should let me go.”

Jiwoo gulped. “I think so too.”