Sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really want for something you need. For Jiwoo’s mother, that was her dream of being a singer and what she needed was to take care of the then newborn Jiwoo.

What did Jiwoo need? Peace of mind? Clarity? Someone who actually loved her the way she needed to?

Jiwoo knew that what she wanted was Sooyoung. But in the end she wasn’t even the one to give her up.

“Jiwoo. I think you should let me go.”

Jiwoo gulped, all too aware of the ache in her chest. God… how pathetic was she that the thought of ending this unlabelled thing with Sooyoung - something which had only ever sapped at her energy and ruined her from the inside out - made her ache this much?

Jiwoo steeled her heart, willing herself to ignore all the overwhelming feelings she always had when Sooyoung was beside her. “I think so too.” She surprised even herself by how calm her voice sounded. When in reality her heart was racing hard in her chest, making it harder and harder for her to breathe. Her mind so crowded with conflicting thoughts and feelings that calm couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

Jiwoo wasn’t a selfish person. But that didn’t mean she was content with the way things were, didn’t yearn for reciprocation, didn’t have words almost spilling out of every time one of them pulled away from their frequent, passionate kisses.

I’ve had enough of this. I’m so sick of pretending that this is enough for me. I deserve to be loved too.

In the end, Jiwoo didn’t get to say any of it. And maybe that hurt even more. Sooyoung couldn’t even leave her that, didn’t give Jiwoo the opportunity to preserve her own dignity and end things for herself. Jiwoo had so many questions swirling in her mind, questions she didn’t even want the answer to.

Why do you think you’re so undeserving of love? Did you really never love me at all? Why do you want me to let go? Aren’t you the one getting everything from this? Why can’t I let go of you?

“Why?” she settled on asking. Peering up at Sooyoung - who was already looking at her searchingly, both of them seeking answers from the other - Jiwoo cracked a smile, hoping her still-cheerful expression could calm the older girl. “Why--” she faltered slightly, thinking of the best words to say, “why do you think that?”

“Because I can’t let myself be something you need.” Sooyoung made a gesture to Jiwoo’s diary, referencing the words she had just read. Words that, even if Jiwoo didn’t mean for them too, apparently rattled her to her core, Sooyoung’s eyes wide and almost frantic in how they looked at her. “Because if you have to let go of something you want and you think I’m becoming more than that, this has already gone too far.”

Gone too far. 

To Sooyoung, Jiwoo’s affection for her-- her honest and true love … it was nothing but a mistake. Something that shouldn’t have happened. Something that should’ve been stopped in its tracks before it reached this state. A runaway train with no destination, no ending in sight except for sure collision. Jiwoo naively hoped it’d meet with Sooyoung’s own heart… but that was now clearly untrue.

“Gone too far,” Jiwoo repeated, staring at Sooyoung blankly.

There was fear in Sooyoung’s eyes. Jiwoo had never seen it before, at least, never towards her. Was she really something to be scared of? Was love something to be scared of? All Jiwoo wanted to do was... 

What did she want to do? Convince Sooyoung she didn’t have to be perfect, yes that was part of it but- All along, Jiwoo realised all she’d been striving for was to be loved in return. All along she’d been lying to herself, saying that what she really wanted was for Sooyoung to be okay, to the consequences. She’d made herself the victim and pitied herself, saying that Sooyoung was the one toying with her.

But here Sooyoung was. Fear in her eyes because Jiwoo said that cursed “I love you” out loud. Here in Jiwoo’s bed because Jiwoo told her she could. Jiwoo, knowing Sooyoung had no safe place right now, tried to make herself Sooyoung’s safe place. Deluded herself into thinking that she could somehow make Sooyoung feel better, despite knowing that her love wasn’t what Sooyoung needed. Making herself another complication in Sooyoung’s messy life and pretending that she was just here to help.

No… Sooyoung was the victim here. She needed honest, genuine support. Without this agenda that Jiwoo secretly had. To be loved, that was another matter entirely. What Sooyoung needed was to be supported, to be eased, and Jiwoo hadn’t done that at all. She’d been a terrible friend, pitying herself because of her unrequited love, and being oblivious to the stress she’d put Sooyoung under.

Maybe even intentionally oblivious… what with the many times Sooyoung had warned her that she couldn’t give her love back. Jiwoo had ignored it every time, became naive to Sooyoung’s rejections. She willed simple no’s to mean “not yet”, pushed the fault to Sooyoung for not being ready when it was her that was forcing her to be ready. Self-hatred settled in Jiwoo’s chest as she internalised how cluelessly awful she’d been to someone she claimed to love. Love doesn’t do that. Love would wait, from afar, not pushing Sooyoung into something she wasn’t okay with. Because she loved Sooyoung, she agreed to end this.

“I… really treasure you, Jiwoo.” Jiwoo’s breath hitched, not having expected Sooyoung to say that at all. “You’re something I’ve never seen before. A beacon of light kind enough to lend some of that to people you love. And I think I… I think all I’ve ever done is take dim that light. Made you less yourself. I can’t let that happen. Because if anyone needs to be on this Earth, it’s people like you. It’s because I like you that this… thing between us can’t go any further. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

In a way, it’s still selfish. Sooyoung just didn’t want her to change. But the thought that Sooyoung treasured her the way that she is… it made Jiwoo’s heart beam, made her light even brighter than it ever was. Just for a moment.

It made the choice a little easier. Jiwoo didn’t want to hurt Sooyoung anymore. And it was clear Sooyoung didn’t want to hurt her either.

Jiwoo wanted to be selfish. To yell out words she’s needed to say for too long now. To say “I’ve had enough of this. I’m so sick of pretending that this is enough for me. I deserve to be loved too.” But she doesn’t. How could she?

Love is selfless, putting the other person’s needs first. And as much as it ached, Sooyoung needed to be away from her. And Jiwoo had just realised that she needed to accept that. If she truly loved her, she’d let her go.

So instead, what comes out of Jiwoo’s lips is a tired “okay.”

“Okay,” Sooyoung repeated. Her tone of voice as hollow as her eyes.

Jiwoo, caught up in her self-loathing, failed to notice how Sooyoung’s arms raised as if to hold Jiwoo in her arms then faltered back to her sides. She didn’t see Sooyoung worry her lip as she stared at Jiwoo. Because for once Jiwoo wasn’t looking back.

And that was that.

The first year they met things were much simpler. They didn’t have much in common, Sooyoung only really being interested in music if she could dance to it, and even then she mainly focused on when her movements should be, and music was in Jiwoo’s life as often as breathing, with little else being as important.

There wasn’t much that held them together at first. Being in different years meant they rarely saw each other in school hours, their classes being in whole other levels of the building. Their friend groups weren’t merged yet either, Haseul yet to have embarked on her mission to unite the choir and dance team loners, so their lunches were spent apart. Nothing but Jiwoo’s odd fixation on the older girl and Sooyoung’s polite attempts at friendship to explain their meetups.

Jiwoo just wanted to see her again. The girl beneath Sooyoung’s mask. That broken girl hiding behind manufactured perfection, that Jiwoo so desperately wanted to say “you don’t need to change” to.

With Jiwoo’s persistence, the two slowly became friends. More and more Jiwoo was allowed to see the fissures and cracks in Sooyoung’s strong persona, was slowly allowed to see behind what everyone else saw. 

While most others saw her as a dependable upperclassman, a great leader of the dance club, Jiwoo saw the tiredness. Jiwoo was allowed to be there when the world got to be too much for Sooyoung, when her walls would completely crumble, and Sooyoung would just put her head in her hands and cry. Jiwoo watched how their harsh expectations of Sooyoung bubbled up into stress, and hated how she could do nothing to help her. Seeing Sooyoung - who was always composed even at the worst of times - looking so broken… so unsure of what to do next. It broke Jiwoo’s heart every time.

Jiwoo couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to be her. Her parents never put that much pressure on her to do well, though they did worry whenever Jiwoo’s grades did slip. She sang because she loved to, not to win. What would it even be like to be Sooyoung, to be so filled with worry, to not allow yourself to slip up because that would mean losing everything? 

If Sooyoung didn’t get good grades, didn’t win her championships, she wouldn’t be able to get a scholarship. Then, with her financial situation, she wouldn’t be able to go to college at all. So what would even be the point in turning up to school? If she couldn’t do well, she’d just have to work. Doing well wasn’t just important… it was everything. The only thing that even allowed her the chance to act like a normal teenager.

Sooyoung couldn’t just dance because she loved to. Or study because she was interested in the subject. Sooyoung had to be good at everything. Jiwoo was starting to understand it now, having seen Sooyoung’s brother in the hospital, while it made no sense to her back then.

Sooyoung’s fixation on perfection wasn’t irrational. Though wrong, Jiwoo should’ve tried to understand it more. Shouldn’t have immediately tried to fix it. Only now did Jiwoo recognise her hypocrisy, treating Sooyoung like a project to be fixed (with her selfish love, as if that could help anyone), when it was Sooyoung thinking she couldn't be imperfect that was the very problem.  How could she preach that being flawed was okay while trying to fix something else? 

If Jiwoo really loved her she’d accept that fault, as much as it pained her to see Sooyoung’s self-doubt. She should’ve tried to see things Sooyoung’s way. Realised Sooyoung’s mindset was reasonable considering the hand life had dealt her. Sooyoung was the one that was truly selfless, trying with all her might to fix her family, while Jiwoo had only really tried to fix Sooyoung for herself. So she could have her.

Even back in their first year of friendship, Jiwoo could tell that Sooyoung let her walls down more often around her. Felt proud that she was allowed to see the weaker side of Sooyoung when even the older girl’s closest friends weren’t allowed that privilege. Sometimes Sooyoung would allow herself to find comfort in Jiwoo, to vent out her thoughts, her unending worries. Maybe Jiwoo should’ve listened more instead of being proud of how only she had Sooyoung’s trust. Maybe if she was any good at being there for Sooyoung, it wouldn’t be her lips that Sooyoung wanted but just a listening ear. Or a shoulder to cry on.

Little by little, Jiwoo distanced herself from Sooyoung. Not too much, after all they were still friends. Just enough to allow herself to heal, to give Sooyoung the space she’d been asking for.

Thankfully none of their friends seemed to notice, or at the very least no one said anything. No one paid any attention to why the spot by Sooyoung, normally filled by Jiwoo, was now empty more often than not. 

Jungeun, while usually perceptive, also didn’t mention how Jiwoo was acting less than ordinary. Jungeun was busy with her own problems sure (Jiwoo’s been privy to too many of Jungeun’s 3am rants to not know about her growing affections to the new blonde in the dance team, or her jealousy concerning her ex-crush, Haseul, and Vivi getting closer than best friends probably should) but that wouldn’t be enough for her to fully not notice Jiwoo’s recent odd behaviour. How Jiwoo stopped herself from laughing at Sooyoung’s jokes now or how her lips frowned rather than grinned whenever the older girl was brought up in conversation. Jiwoo could tell Jungeun was ignoring her for a reason, but couldn’t think of any reason why.

It wasn’t like the two never talked about their romantic lives (or lack thereof, considering neither had actually ever had a girlfriend). So what sort of scheme did Jungeun have? Jiwoo hoped naively that Jungeun was just giving her space, allowing Jiwoo the time to collect her thoughts and choose to tell her herself. After all, that’s what she’d done when it all started, when she noticed Sooyoung increasingly taking Jiwoo away to unknown locations. Waited for Jiwoo to tell her what was going on before telling a blushing Jiwoo that she’d known all along.

(“Sooyoung’s lipstick colour suits you,” Jungeun teased, laughing with her grin filling up her entire face as usual when Jiwoo, embarrassed, hit her in retaliation, “if you just asked to wear some it wouldn’t be weird. But all over your neck?”

Jiwoo had shrieked, hitting Jungeun with a pillow. “I’m never telling you anything again!”)

Jiwoo wasn’t sure whether to be glad for it or hate it. Sure, Jungeun intentionally avoiding the topic allowed Jiwoo to breathe but it also meant she had to suffer alone. To act like she didn’t just lose something that had grown to mean far too much to her.

It hurt her every time, yes, but Jiwoo had grown to depend on Sooyoung’s kisses. Not just for the physical intimacy, but because it allowed her to be in Sooyoung’s vicinity, made them talk more than they usually would. It was why Sooyoung had slept over multiple nights, which had quelled the overwhelming loneliness in Jiwoo more than she’d like to admit. Beside Sooyoung, Jiwoo could momentarily forget the other recent loss in her life, her dear mother.

It’s a strange situation, to be surrounded by people who care about you, but still feeling so alone. Even now as Jiwoo’s sitting in a table filled with her closest friends, occasionally laughing at their banter and offering up jokes of her own, she felt incomplete.

For some time Jiwoo had been using Sooyoung to fill her mind and the hole in her heart. To take Jiwoo’s thoughts away to an easier place. After all, worrying herself about romance was easier than mourning her mother. Jiwoo didn’t have to think about the loss as much, chose to think of it as respecting her memory - to use her mother’s invaluable advice and do the thing she always taught Jiwoo to do. To love.

It’s why Jiwoo confessed that day.

Jiwoo had been allowed to leave school early to attend her mother’s funeral. Standing beside her sobbing father, hearing countless condolences from relatives and family friends she barely recognised, Jiwoo didn’t let herself cry. Hadn’t let herself feel any emotion at all, the numb easier to deal with.

That day, Jiwoo looked at her father and realised. Once the strongest person Jiwoo knew, he used to hoist her up onto his shoulders and carry her around all day. She used to think he was a superhero. Now he looked so dismally human, hands shaking, body crumpled beside his wife’s coffin. He looked small and fragile, like any harsh word would throw him into another bout of inconsolable sobs.

This was what love does. It makes you soar so high, like whenever they would huddle up on the couch together, laughing and murmuring to themselves - things Jiwoo could never quite hear but made her smile because they just sounded so happy . But it also makes you plummet way down low. The loneliness stinging even deeper because you know how good being together felt.

Jiwoo wanted to feel that togetherness. To be with that someone that made her feel loved for as long as possible. To not have to deal with the loss and loneliness settling deep in her stomach, she ran. She invited Sooyoung underneath the oak tree in a quick text and steeled her nerves, her crush on the older girl the closest thing to romantic love that she knew.

And now Jiwoo couldn’t distract herself with loving Sooyoung. With that, she had to deal, to truly feel it all, the loss and loneliness she’d been putting off piercing into her heart like a spear.

Falling into old habits, Jiwoo broke into a laugh at whatever dumb joke Sooyoung was saying to their friends. She had to admit, Sooyoung’s imitation of Chaewon from the dance team was spot on. Her voice uncannily like the tiny blonde’s, all pretty and high-pitched and airy, with a tinge of something Jiwoo could only describe as brattiness coming through. Jiwoo stopped herself from laughing too hard though, slapping her hand to and eyes wide. She bit her lip hard, not noticing how Sooyoung’s smile dimmed at hearing Jiwoo’s laughter stop, or how Heejin looked at her with pity.

After choir practice, Jiwoo always used to stay with Jungeun, eating at whatever nearby place they craved or just hanging out at the arcade. Sooyoung had since affected that tradition, sometimes asking Jiwoo to go somewhere with her, on a walk or to some empty classroom where she’d inevitably pull Jiwoo in for another of those addicting kisses of hers.

Jiwoo assumed that their old tradition would continue now that Jiwoo stopped hanging around Sooyoung as much. She waited as Jungeun smiled down at her phone (it’d been vibrating in her lap for the past 10 minutes, and now with practice ending early Jungeun could finally reply to whoever the insistent person was), thumbs eagerly tapping away.

Jiwoo pouted, Jungeun’s conversation taking longer than she’d expected. Jungeun’s texts to her were usually short and curt, usually a ‘?’ if anything. In fact, Jungeun didn’t like texting much, preferring to call or to meet in person to talk. So whoever this person was that was holding all of Jungeun’s attention, making her smile because of their texts, Jiwoo respected them.

“You busy with your little crush?” Jiwoo teased, laughing when Jungeun’s face became a deep red, her neck and ears beginning to blush too. “Can I see?”

“No!” Jungeun shrieked. She pressed her off button at the speed of light, hiding the screen from Jiwoo’s sight but not before a blue heart flashed on screen, the apparent contact name for the mystery texter.

“If you’re not busy we can just go, right?” Jiwoo pointed with her thumb to the door, “unless you wanna head to the music room instead? Maybe go watch the dance team’s practice?”

Jungeun’s face somehow got even redder and Jiwoo laughed, sprinting off when Jungeun ran at her to hit her.

“Fight me!” the shorter girl yelled to Jiwoo’s retreating form. “Fight me irl!”

“This is a face to face conversation!” Jiwoo yelled back, sliding the door shut on Jungeun before she could reach her, “go get the girl though, I’ll just walk home with Heejin!”

She poked her tongue out at Jungeun through the classroom window, lungs filled with laughter when Jungeun screamed at her. A much-needed reminder that friendship was good too, could distract her from loneliness all the same. It made Jiwoo that slightest bit more determined to return to friendship with Sooyoung. She could help her, selflessly this time, without messing things up and making it romance. She owed that to Sooyoung at least. Because that’s what you do when you love someone - try to be selfless.