Your laughter ceased when your eyes caught his, a lump forming in your throat. You tried to divert your attention back to the conversation you were having with your friends and not watch as he ascended the lecture hall stairs towards a row lower than yours. But you couldn’t help and watch his back profile as he took out his writing tools and prepared for the class to begin, vaguely hearing the voices of your friends continue on without you.

It was harder than you imagined it was going to be.

A month had passed, and thankfully most of that had been taken up with semester break. You knew you couldn’t escape him for long though, your majors being the same.

The break-up had been mutual, or at least, that’s what you had told each other. You had convinced yourself that since your dating had lasted only four months that you could get over him easily, that it wouldn’t hurt for long.

But this was Hwang Minhyun you were talking about.

You had known each other for years, and yet you felt as if you still didn’t know the tall boy either. You knew his appearance well, his dark hair styled to part over his handsome face, ending just before his feline shaped eyes. He had the most in-depth brown eyes you had ever seen on a person before; sometimes they were the warmest liquid chocolate shade and others they looked darker than umber. It was something that had initially drawn your attention to him years back, wanting to see how they appeared each day. And you still did the same thing, noting the many hues of brown that could be viewed from within them. Minhyun’s face wasn’t large and masculine nor overtly effeminate, but it captivated a lot of people who took the time to regard him. And if his looks didn’t, his generous personality was quick to grab the attention of all those around him. He didn’t aim to be popular, in fact, you knew him to be quite awkward, sometimes shy. But he naturally gained friends easily.

You knew, since you had been one.

It wasn’t intended by either of you initially to move from friendship into something more. You both had been comforted by having a similar mindset towards education, appreciating the easiness that came with discussing class material and then whatever came into your heads from there. You challenged each other to think broader than the other and soon he was the first person you thought of contacting when you were having a hard time, or when you had scored really well on your Modern Literature essay. And he had done the same, one time walking up to you and interrupting your conversation with a fellow classmate to hug you after finding out he had won the scholarship he had applied for.

Perhaps it had started then, the growth of your feelings. You hadn’t dated before and so you had no idea of what the appropriate signals were for liking someone passed what was typically showcased in movies and TV shows. But as another month slipped by with constant flutters in your stomach when you saw him, or feeling anxious to say the right thing when conversing, you nurtured those innocent flames of interest for the tall boy, fanning them when they got too strong, but still slowly building them to make them long-lasting.

It felt as though it took an eternal age for either of you to admit there was something more than friendship between you growing. You both had attempted, Minhyun becoming more affectionate towards you, subtle hand grazing, maintaining a protective hand held out when walking around busier parts of the campus. He had started messaging you more often as well, telling you things he had never told another before. And you had found yourself doing the same, purposely holding onto his lower arm to feel connected to him even when there was no need to be that close. You had embraced his messages and replied with your own, edging around a more than ready confession, waiting for that elusive right time.

Despite knowing each other was feeling the same by now, you were both too hesitant, worried about losing what you had already.

As you continued to take looks in his direction throughout the lecture, you wondered to yourself if you were granted to go back in time if you would have started this relationship all over again or not.

Because it was lonely on the other side of break-up, you had lost far more than you had gained.

 

 

It frustrated him to have to hold it in, to refrain from doing what came to his mind naturally when it came to you.

Ever since the break-up, he had faced many of these instances, struggling to maintain the distance and not overstep the line.

You had fallen once, tripping over as you hurried down the hallway, no doubt late for a study session like usual. He had immediately lurched forward to help you, rocking back on his heels as someone closer took his spot instead, your thank you directed to them and not him.

Watching as you skipped another meal, too focussed on your textbook and deepening your knowledge. He had always found that endearing about you but it came with the downside of you forgetting about yourself, and he knew you suffered from spells of dizziness from the lack of proper nutrition sometimes. What happened to the alarms he had installed into your phone to remind you to eat on time, had you deleted them when your relationship ended? He never heard the tone go off when it was meant to anymore.

Now that winter was settling in well, he all but had to sit on his hands when you’d mindlessly leave your scarf undone; it had been his habit to secure it more closely to your neck all these years.

It was difficult for Minhyun, to go from having so many roles in your life to having absolutely none. To become the one viewing you only from the outside now, realising just how much of a place he once had imprinted at your side. It now felt empty, as if your words that day had robbed him of all he had known.

And despite how strong you had sounded, telling him it wasn’t working and you both had made a mistake, he could only see a weakened version of yourself since the break-up. How long would it take for him to come to terms that he no longer held a place in your world? How much suffering would he face, knowing he could improve your way of living right now? To ensure you were healthy physically and mentally. To support you, as he had always done. How long would the sadness remain in your eyes?

He should have fought harder.

Dating you hadn’t changed much in the beginning. You both were far too shy, knowing what you wanted from each other but nervous to reach for it, and when you did it sometimes felt awkward. It wasn’t until the first kiss that some normalcy returned between you. It was as if you had both been deprived of oxygen for the first month together and pressing your lips on each other had allowed you to finally inhale a deep breath in again, your connection growing further than it had ever been in that moment. And soon all you were doing was kissing, misplacing the years of friendship that had come first.

Forgetting this had signalled the end.

For the small number of weeks after your first kiss, you were inseparable, not that you hadn’t been beforehand. But it was amplified; he woke up thinking of you and went to bed dreaming of being with you again. During the day you would meet as many times as classes would allow, thankfully sharing three papers together. Study dates were how you would end your evenings, examining both the books in front of you and each other.

“Oh, I found another freckle!” you had mused, poking his upper arm lightly and then crinkling up your nose when he had poked you back. “Yah, I don’t have anything there.”

“Shall I find one then?” he had suggested, reaching out to playfully pull at your top, your giggling soon deafening him when his hands found your sides. And then he stopped and stared at the lively expression upon your face, captivated by the fact that he could make you look that beautiful. You were already alluring enough, but when you laughed, it made it almost impossible for Minhyun to think of anything more magical.

Perhaps that’s where it went wrong. Because all he thought of was you and nothing else.

“I got a C,” you admitted, tears b your eyes as you held up the paper to him. “How did I get a C?!”

“Maybe because you rushed it?” he had admitted guiltily, remembering back to that night, where he had placed one too many kisses on your lips from finding you in one of his sweaters when he had come home from his part-time job. You had both arranged to meet up that night and it had been raining, so it made sense that when you let yourself into his apartment you had changed. Minhyun hadn’t expected the sight of you like that to awaken an urge that he had never felt for you before. He had lost control that night and you had subsequently suffered.

He hadn’t wanted that to happen again and so he had suggested guidelines for your relationship, making sure neither of you interrupted the flow of each other’s studies.

“Minnn!” you had whined, poking him repeatedly with a pout.

“Not now, I’m busy with this chapter.”

“You’ve been busy all day!”

He nodded. “Because we have exams coming up.”

“What about me?”

“What about you?” You had huffed out a deep breath then, gathering up your belongings and he frowned, looking up at you. “Where are you going?”

“Someplace where people aren’t too busy for me.”

“Ah Y/N, come on, it’s important for us to study!”

You nodded, though your stare was harsh. “It’s important for us to remember there is an us too, Minhyun.”

And you had walked out then, leaving him frustrated by what had just occurred.

The lack of communication between you travelled for days, Minhyun struggling to understand why you were giving him the cold shoulder. As friends, you had never struggled with telling each other about everything but now there was this invisible wall that would lift up and then collapse back down at any given moment in your relationship, blockading your more natural interactions.

It circled around like this for a month, each time becoming harder to recover from, to trust your feelings would be heard by each other, the make up kisses feeling like band-aids being placed over an open wound without anything substantial to treat it.

And then you had come to him, not a glimmer of a smile left.

 

 

Spring arrived and removed the bitterness from within you, shedding the layers of the cold winter like you had your heavy clothes.

It felt easier to breathe with the new season, the blossoming of new flowers making you hopeful for a new transition into acceptance.

You had smiled at Minhyun today and he had returned it.

Nothing particular had happened to warrant it, you simply had been admiring the same flowers that you had seen on your way into school that day and looked up, seeing him pass by.

You knew it wasn’t completely coincidence; he had always been in the background of your world as a friend and as a lover. He had an uncanny way of showing up when you most wanted him to and as you felt the warmth of the afternoon sun, you sought out his gaze, feeling the happiest you had in a while.

It had been nice to simply share something with him again.

It made the hollow feeling inside you that had become your companion feel less warranted, and you wondered if there was a chance you could at least have a friendship with him again.

Later in the week, you had crossed paths again, Minhyun nodding in greeting at you. You had smiled again, your step slowing as you passed each other. You couldn’t help but glance over your shoulder at him and blushed, realising he had turned around to face you in a similar way. He laughed and then diverted his eyes awkwardly, but it wasn’t long until he glanced back up, shooting you a genuine smile.

You felt a small flutter erupt within the emptiness.

You were hesitant to fully accept the desire to start dreaming of Minhyun again, unsure if you had a better understanding of what dating someone was like after the time apart.

Your friends had convinced you that Minhyun had been a bad match for you, both coming from the same background of being each other’s first loves.

“You cannot expect your first love to last long, Y/N. It’s there to teach you what not to do when you date again,” Hyomin had encouraged you, and for some time you had believed this.

But you still couldn’t imagine looking at someone else when you had spent so much time only seeing Minhyun.

Was it because you had yet to accept he no longer had a place in your world?

As he smiled at you and waved before walking off, you hoped it meant something else.

That the first, juvenile love had passed you both and ahead there was a chance to discover a second love with each other. Not from falling back into one another where you had left off, but building up a way to meet again in a place where you were certain of the feelings you were experiencing towards each other. Where you could remain yourself and not lose your focus on what mattered most.

You turned around and hugged your books to your chest with more determination then.

It wasn’t certain yet and it may take some time too. You were alright with this; you had a lot more to learn about yourself still.

But you had a feeling love would reappear for you both, and you began to anticipate it.

Because he hadn’t left your world, not yet.