Chapter 7  We Shouldn't Pity Each Other Like This

I'm waiting for Jin kook in his car to go to work; he's taking an awfully long time, longer than usual.

The car door opens, and he gets in, finally.

"Why are you so late?" I ask.

He turns to me, and looks at me intently.

"Jin kang," he says, "never ever meet that guy again, that Kim Moo young, and don't let Seung ah date him anymore."

He's got this look on his face that he gets when he's feeling worried, or anxious about something.

"Okay," I say, and he starts the car.

I'm not sure what he has against Moo young, but Jin kook's always been very protective of me, overly protective at times, and he thinks that I'm still his baby sister, even though I'll be turning 30 this April 7th. Oh, well, if it makes him feel better, I have absolutely no intention of meeting Moo young again. Besides, I'm dating Cho rong, and Moo young's my best friend's boyfriend. 

Wait, Jin kook told me not to let Seung ah date him.

I call her on my phone.

Her mother answers. That's weird. She passes the phone over to Seung ah. She answers but sounds weird, stilted, as if she can't really talk.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Hang on, let me check the details," she says. "The exhibition scheduled for next Wednesday, right?"

Huh?

I hear shuffling over the phone, as if she's looking through paper and stuff, and then she comes back on again, just as a flurry of text messages come flooding in.

They're from Seung ah.

Text: Help me. I've been grounded.

Text: I didn't come home yesterday night.

There's a meeting at the brewery, but I can't concentrate. I keep thinking of the text messages that I got from Seung ah.

The meeting is over. Ms. Hwang and So yeon are walking out with me.

"Are you okay?" Ms. Hwang asks. "I notice that you were distracted during the meeting. Is everything okay?"

I don't say anything. 

I stop.

"I forgot something," I say, and run back to the brewery.

I spot Hee jun and make a beeline for him.

"Do you have Moo young's contact number?" I ask. "I need to tell him something."

Right. So I've got his phone number.

I'll just text him. It's no big deal. I'll text him, and pass Seung ah's message to him. I don't need to see him or anything. It's just a text. I'm doing a favour for my best friend. I feel bad, after what Jin kook just said, about not letting her date Moo young anymore, but I can't do that to her when she's in hot soup with her mum. Maybe later, when things have simmered down.

I text him.

ME: This is Jin-kang, Seung-ah wants you to come to the Han River, Saturday at 4.00 pm.

MOO YOUNG: Why are you telling me this?

ME: Seung-ah's been grounded and her mother has her cell phone.

MOO YOUNG: Why?

I type : Obviously, because she stayed out all night with you and didn't come home 

That came out wrong. It sounds like I don't like it, that she stayed out all night with him and didn't come home.

They're adults, and they're dating, and whatever they do in private is their own business, certainly not mine. It's got nothing to do with me. I'm just an observer. I'm not involved. I'm just being a good friend, helping her out. She's got no one else but me to help her out.

I erase the message and type: Keep the appointment.

There.

Short and terse.

Perfect.

Cho rong and I are on our date. He picked me up and he's wearing this snazzy, dark blue uniform, with shiny buttons and all, and he looks so cool. We stroll leisurely along the stretch of pavement for people to walk on, with its pink and white cobbled tiles, and chat about everything under the sun. People keep looking at him because he looks so spiffy and smart in his officer's uniform, and he preens a little under their awed gazes. He's so adorable. I like him more and more, and I know that he feels the same way about me, because he keeps beaming at me ,and smiling, and giving me little side glances when he thinks that I'm not looking.

A white car pulls up right next to us, and the window slides down.

"Hey, it's Cho rong," the guy in the driver's seat grins. "Having a nice time?"

There are two other guys in the car, and they're all craning their necks to look at us, guffawing, and teasing Cho rong.

"You look really fancy in that uniform, Cho rong," the guy in front says, and the other two guys howl with laughter.

Cho rong looks as if he could die of embarrassment, but there's pride on his face as well, as he turns to me and says, "This is my chief, Chief Lee. Chief, this is Yoo Jin kang."

"Are you his girlfriend?" Chief Lee grins, looking at me.

"No, it's not like that at all," Cho rong protests weakly.

"Nice to meet you," I say, and bow. "Then you must know my brother. He works in your department, too."

"Your brother?" Chief Lee says, looking puzzled.

"Yes, my brother, Yoo Jin kook. I'm Yoo Jin kang."

Chief Lee's smile fades. He stares at me, a long hard stare, and then looks away.

"We have to go," he says. "Nice to meet you."

He winds up his window. The car drives away.

I go to Seung ah's house. She's cooked up this story that I need to see her urgently on the exhibition that I am supposedly working on.

Her mother watches, as Seung ah joins me outside the gates.

"Goodbye, ajumma," I say, and bow respectfully. She looks at me with that tiny little flicker of disdain that's always in her eyes when she sees me. We walk off. Her mother is still standing there, watching us, until we turn the corner. Both of us heave a huge sigh of relief, collectively. 

Seung ah turns to me and squeezes my hand.

"Thank you, Jin kang " she says. "Thank you so much for freeing me."

"I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing," I say worriedly.

"It's fine," she smiles. "You just don't know Moo young well enough."

I smile, and pat her hand.

"Moo young gave me something... ," she says softly.

Her voice trails into silence, and her lips curve into a dreamy smile.

We reach the Han River at a quarter to 4.00 pm. 

He's already there, waiting, staring out to the river, his back to us.

He turns when he hears our footsteps. He makes no attempt to walk toward us but just stands there, tall and dark and remote, watching us approach.

Seung ah turns to me.

"The gift that he gave to me was myself," she says, her eyes lit up with happiness. "I feel like myself when I'm with him." 

I smile at her.

"I'll see you at 7.30 pm," I say. "See you later."

She's running, flying to Moo young, and flings herself at him.

He catches her in an embrace, and hugs her.

I smile at them.

Then I see his eyes over her shoulder.

They're looking, boring into me.

They are very dark.

Wordlessly, he tightens his hands around her waist and presses, hard, so that he's crushing her body against his; at the same time, he moves his arms, and wraps them tightly around her, moulding their bodies against each other.

Every movement of those fingers, those hands, those arms, is calculating, deliberate.

He looks at me, and his eyes are mocking and hard and cruel.

There is not the slightest trace of love, or tenderness in those eyes.

He doesn't give a hoot how Seung ah feels.

It is me that he's focussing his attention on. It is as if the woman that he's holding so closely in his arms is an object of insignificance, a mere tool, to use, to make use of, and manipulate, to test me, to provoke a reaction from me

I draw a sharp intake of breath.

He wants me to see him hold her.

He wants to provoke me into a reaction.

He continues to watch me, his eyes sly, waiting, waiting for my reaction...

I turn away, the smile still fixed on my lips.

I walk away, and I feel those dark, cruel eyes boring into my back, following me, scorching me, unsettling me.

I have to get away.

I walk to the bridge. 

My heart is pounding.

I take a moment to catch my breath.

What was that all about?

I feel sick.

I walk to the park, and try to calm my thoughts.

I spot a bench, and sit down. I take my phone and scroll through my pictures. They always comfort me when I'm troubled, because Jin kook's love just reaches out and envelopes me from the old pictures; there are tons of them: there I am, a child, looking tentatively at the camera, while my big brother, a younger, leaner Jin kook, beams and hugs me from behind; and there's another one, me and my brother, smiling, making funny faces at the camera; I'm older, and Jin kook's aged, too, heavier, with lines around his eyes. I keep scrolling and looking at the pictures, and gradually, I feel my mood lighten.

I take a few selfies of the ugliest faces that I can pull, and send them to Jin kook.

It's 7.30 pm, and I'm at the Han River. 

They walk up to me, hand in hand.

A white car pulls up, and Seung ah's mother steps out.

Oh, no.

She walks up to me, her face as black as a thundercloud, and slaps me, hard, across the face. My face falls back with the force of the slap, and I reel.

"You wretched orphan," she spits out, her face twisted with rage and contempt. "What can I expect from a creature like you?"

She looks at me as if I am scum.

Then she turns to Seung ah and drags her away by her hand.

She doesn't even look at Moo young; it's as if he's invisible.

"Let me go, let me go," Seung ah is screaming, but her mother drags her to the car and pushes her inside, and they drive off.

I walk away.

I am shaking so hard that I can hardly walk.

I hear him running up behind me, but I don't stop. I keep walking away, as fast as I can

I have to get out of here.

"Is this the first time that you've been slapped?" he asks conversationally, catching up with me, and keeping up with me as I plunge blindly on.

I ignore him.

"That ajumma is scary, her face... ," he gives a mock shudder. "Do you want to eat? You shouldn't eat alone."

He doesn't give a damn that I've been slapped and called a wretched orphan and a creature. He doesn't give a damn that I'm shaking and that my heart hurts so bad and my head feels like it's going to explode.

I stop walking, and turn to face him.

"I don't want to eat with you. Yes, it was the first time that I've been slapped, and yes, it's  perfectly natural that ajumma reacted the way that she did. I understand how she feels, because no one, no one would want their daughter to date someone like you. So just leave !!"

My voice is trembling, and I scream the last remaining words.

"Okay," he says.

He turns on his heels, and walks away.

I walk on, turning my back on him. The tears spill over, and run, unchecked, over my face.

The next day, I'm on the bus and I get a text from Seung ah.

Text: This is Seung-ah. I'm using my maid's cell phone.

Instantly, my insides shrivel into a tight knot, and I flinch at the agonizing memory of my humiliation, still raw, still fresh in my mind, as if it had just happened a second ago.

"You wretched orphan," her mother had said, looking at me, her face twisted and ugly with scorn and contempt.

SEUNG AH: Tell Moo-young something for me.

Unbidden, a memory of him looking at me silently surfaces.

"So just leave!" I had screamed at him.

I take out my phone, my fingers hovering over it as I hesitate.

Okay, I'll do it.

I text him: Can I see you this evening?

We meet in the evening by the neighbourhood laundromat.

I get down from my bike.

I take out my phone and show him Seung ah's text message.

He ignores it.

He's looking at me, instead, and his eyes are full of concern.

"Why didn't you just text me?" he asks.

"I wanted to apologize for lashing out at you yesterday," I say, looking down at my feet.

Oh, this is awkward.

"I'm sorry," I say. "It wasn't your fault. I went too far."

He hops on my bike, and starts riding it around me. Then he pedals it away from me.

"Hey," I yell. "Get off that!"

He turns, and says, "You should buy me a meal, and not just say sorry."

He pedals off, and I hurry after him.

He continues to ride my bike, and there's this huge smile on his face, as he keeps cycling around me in circles at the intersection, and then he's off again, and I'm running to keep up with him. I hear him chuckling.

He's incorrigible.

He finally stops outside a cafe and walks into it. I follow him to a table.

I show him Seung ah's text message again, and this time, he reads it.

I promise to be more cunning from now on so that we can be together forever.

That's what the text message says.

He reads it, and chucks the phone aside. He doesn't seem to care at all about the text message.

He glances at the food.

"You've eaten most of it," he grumbles good-naturedly.

"Fine," I say. "I'll order some more."

I yell for extra servings.

"You should have eaten faster," I say, and he grins.

"Why are you running this errand for her when you're the one who got slapped?" he says.

"This is the last time," I say.

"She didn't even apologize to you. That ajumma is the same. She should have slapped her daughter first, not you."

"Seung ah was in a rush," I say lamely. "Her mother was angry, I understand, it's fine," I say.

"She should have slapped her daughter first, and then the guy that her daughter is dating," he says. "Why is the order all messed up?"

"That's because her daughter is precious to her," I retort.

"What about you?" he asks. "Aren't you precious then?"

"Stop talking to me about it, because when I think about it, I do feel upset," I say. "I feel bad for my brother as well. He wouldn't like that I got slapped. Now that I think about it, I'm starting to feel like I hate Seung ah as well." 

I speak evenly, emotionlessly, keeping my voice detached, devoid of feeling, as if I'm reciting aloud the contents of my shopping list to him.

"So just eat," I say, pushing the bowl of noodles over to him. "Your mother would have done the same thing. All mothers are like that.; they are all protective of their children."

"I wouldn't know," he says. "I've never had a mother."

"What about your father?" I ask.

"No father, either," he says.

"Since when?"

"Since I was little."

"We shouldn't pity each other like this. We'll be 30 soon," I say, and added, after a pause, "I don't have parents, either."

"I know," he says.

"Did Seung ah tell you?" I ask.

"I think that I knew it from the beginning," he says.

"Is it that obvious?" I say.

I don't say anything for a while.

"Who raised you?" I ask.

"An orphanage," he says. "You said that we're not to pity each other."

"Who's pitying whom?" I retort.

"Call me oppa," he says, grinning. "I'm already 30, not about to turn 30."

"Oppa," I call softly, turning to the window, "some strange guy is mocking me."

"When did it happen for you?" I ask.

I'm talking about the scar.

"I don't remember," he says.

"When did it happen for you?" he asks me back.

"I don't remember, either. My brother said that there was a fire at home," I say. "My parents died before I was born, and my elder sister left South Korea before I went to grade school. I live with my brother. He raised me."

"Didn't you get hurt with that?" he asks, and I know that he's talking about the scar. "No trauma at all?"

"I lied about that," I say. "Of course, I have been hurt, a little, anyway."

I pause, remembering the pain, the agony of my childhood.

"How can a girl without parents and a burn mark grow up without a trauma?" I say lightly, as if it doesn't matter.

"But now I understand why I want to argue with you whenever I see you," I say. "It's because you remind me of primary school."

He smiles.

"And incidentally, I told you another lie. I was slapped one other time by my teacher when I was nine," I say airily, as if it's something to be proud of.

"I made the huge mistake of telling my brother. He cried under his blanket all night."

He looks at me, and his eyes are gentle.

"Eat up," he says, leaning over, and pushing all the bowls and plates of food toward me. "Eat your fill. You deserve it, after all the lying that you had to do."

"Okay," I say happily, and tuck in.

He watches me eat with a smile upon his face.

We stroll home after our meal.

"Alien…that was my nickname when I was little," I say. "Kids used to hit my back a lot in Haesang."

"Haesang?" he says. "I know that name. I used to live in Haesang."

"Was your orphanage there?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Why are kids so cruel?" I say.

"Adults are crueller," he answers.

"There are a lot of good people out there," I say. "The trouble with you is you're way too cynical. Don't be cynical."

He thinks about it for a moment, his brow furrowed. 

He looks so cute like that.

What am I thinking?

We're at the corner where I turn into my lane.

He turns to leave.

"What's your cat's name?" I call out.

He turns.

"Kang, but her last name is Jin, so it's Jin Kang," he says, and laughs.

He looks so boyish when he laughs like that, his eyes wicked, and twinkling with mischief.

"I'm so dumb for asking you," I mutter.

"She doesn't have a name," he says, smiling.

"You should name her," I say. "What if you lose her?" 

"I don't care," he says. "I'm always telling that cat to leave."

"I think that I'll continue to hate you," I say cheerfully.

"All the best to you in your noble endeavour," he says, grinning.

He looks at me, the smile still lingering on his lips.

"Good night," he says softly.

He walks away, and I walk home.

I've never spoken to anyone the way that I did to him tonight. I've never opened up to anyone about my feelings the way that I did to him tonight. It makes me feel good, light, free, somehow, as if I've shedded this huge, heavy weight that I've been lugging around,  all by myself, all these years. 

I don't feel so alone anymore.

I get a text from Cho rong at home:

Hello, Jin-kang, I had a team dinner tonight. I am really happy. Goodnight.

Cho rong.

I had forgotten all about him.

The whole night, my attention had been focussed on Moo young.

I feel a pang of guilt.

I look out of the window.

It's raining.

I call my brother. 

"Are you drunk? You had a team meeting, so you'd better not drink and drive," I say. "I'll get an umbrella and go and fetch you at the bus stop."

"I've got my umbrella with me," he says. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Don't come."

"You're lying. I've got your umbrella and I'm coming now. See you," I say, and end the call.

I start walking up the rainy street, the umbrella shielding me from the steady drizzle.

Vaguely, I hear the sound of a car engine revving behind me in the dark alley.

I notice the headlights first, lighting up the alley ahead of me, and the low purr of the engine.

The purr changes, and becomes a threatening, menacing roar.

Instinctively, I turn.

A car is bearing down on me from behind.

I am to the side.

My umbrella slips out of my grasp, and I fall.

I look up, and Jin kook is beside me.

We run to the car, but there is no one in the driver's seat.

Jin kook opens the door, and a girl falls out of the car and into his lap. 

We look at her in stunned silence.