Chapter 15:  Every Step That I Take Leads Me Right Back To You

 

 

I open the door, but there's no one there. It's dark and silent.

I hear the strident sirens of an ambulance in the distance, and my heart shrivels with the coldness of dread.

I go back in, and call Moo young; his phone buzzes at a corner. He didn't take it with him.

I put on my coat, and run to the flower shop.

"Has a guy been here to buy a wine bottle opener?" I ask.

"Oh, yes, he has," the lady says, "but he left because we don't sell wine bottle openers."

I go from one store to another, and the answers are always the same; it's always: "Yes, he came, but he left, because we don't sell wine bottle openers", or: "No, I haven't seen him. Sorry."

I walk to a convenience store a few steps away.

"Has a guy been here to buy a wine bottle opener?" I ask.

"Yes, he has," the owner says. "He bought one, and then he left."

"When was that?" I ask.

"Sometime ago...an hour, maybe?"

My heart starts pounding.

An hour ago.

I run out of the shop.

I stop and stare into the dark night.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Ahead of me is a crosswalk. The lights turn green for pedestrians.

I walk across the street, and reach the other side. I turn right.

Maybe he's back already.

He'll laugh when he sees me, and pull me into his arms, saying, "You're such an idiot, getting all worked up for nothing", and kiss away my fears. And I'll say, "But the food's cold", and he'll put the pot back on the stove, and we'll laugh and steal kisses and cuddle together, waiting for it to warm up. He'll take out the wine bottle opener, and uncork the bottle, and pour it into two tall glasses, and we'll clink glasses together, and watch the wine sizzle, and take tiny sips, and the food will be all ready and hot by then, and we'll dig in, and eat and drink and laugh and love, delighting in each other's company.

At the police station, the kind officer informs me that there's not been any incident involving Kim Moo young.

"But I heard ambulance sirens just now, and I was wondering if there's been an accident," I say haltingly.

"Oh, that was just a drunk who got into a fight with a taxi driver," he says. "Don't worry; if there were anything, we'd have heard about it by now. He probably got delayed, and he's probably at home now."

I walk back to his place, but it's empty and dark. 

I go home, and Jin kook's in his room. I barely look at him and mumble something about being tired. I go into my bedroom, close the door and crawl into bed.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm so cold. I can't stop shivering.

Where are you?

Where are you?

I go to work the next day. Before that, I'd stopped by his place. He's not there.

At work, I'm so cold, and I keep breaking out in cold sweats. My hands are cold and clammy.

"Are you okay, Jin kang?" So yeon asks, looking concerned. "You don't look well."

Ms. Hwang comes in at that moment.

"Ms. Hwang," I say, "could I take the rest of the day off? I'm not feeling well."

"Sure," she says, and clucks her tongue like a fussy mother hen. "You shouldn't have come to work if you don't feel well."

I go to his workplace, but they tell me that he didn't show up for work this morning. I go to the police station, and they tell me that nothing's happened since the night before.

I call So jung.

"Jin kang," she says, sounding concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Eunnie," I say. "Kim Moo young's disappeared, and I don't know where he is."

I tell her what happened last night.

"I don't know what to do," I say.

"Don't worry," she says. "There hasn't been any report about any accident taking place last night. I'll do some checking, and I'll get back to you, as soon as I find out anything."

I walk to Moo young's place again.

I write a note, and leave it on the counter.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU? CALL ME WHEN YOU SEE THIS.

It's evening.

I'm lying on his couch, half-asleep.

My phone rings.

I startle awake.

It's from an unknown number.

"Hello?" I say.

"Jin kang? It's me," Moo young says.

I almost faint with relief.

"Hello, Jin kang?" he says. "Jin kang, are you there?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he says. "You must have been very worried."

"Where were you?" I ask.

There's a silence, and then he speaks.

"I was at a friend's place. I ran into him outside. After that I went to his place, and stayed there for a long time," he says.

"Do you expect me to believe that?" I cry. "You went out to buy a wine bottle opener. You said that you'd be right back. You left your phone at home. What happened to you?"

I pause.

"Don't tell me that you got hurt again," I say slowly. "That's it, isn't it? You got hurt again."

"No, no," he says, "it's nothing like that. I didn't get hurt. I called you because I knew that you'd be worried. Don't worry; I didn't get hurt. Nothing like that happened."

"Why would you put me through all that?" I cry.

"I know that it's hard for you to understand, but I hadn't seen my friend for a long time," he says. "I couldn't turn him down."

I don't say anything.

"Jin kang?" he calls out. "Jin kang?"

There's a rising note of panic in his voice.

"I can't...I can't do this anymore. It's so hard," I whisper. "It's just so hard."

I end the call, even though I can still hear him calling me on the other end.

The tears stream down my face.

I go back home wearily. Jin kook's at home. He's sitting at the table, not doing anything. He's just sitting there, staring into space.

"I'm home," I say dully.

I walk past him.

"Did you get a phone call from him?" he says, just as I reach my bedroom door. He sounds strange.

I stop, and walk back to him.

I sit down across him.

He looks like a sleepwalker. His eyes are dead, glassy. 

"Do you know something?" I ask him urgently.

He lifts his eyes and looks straight at me.

They are a dead man's eyes: unblinking, unfeeling.

"I stabbed him," he says. "I stabbed him with a knife."

"What?" I choke out.

"I stabbed him. And I don't regret it," he says, his face still and unmoving, the terrible dead eyes staring blankly at me.

"Oppa!" I scream in agony.

"I don't regret it," he repeats in that flat, new voice, a stranger's voice. "It was the only way."

"You're crazy," I whisper. "How could you just stab someone?"

He looks at me, and his eyes shift, become cold, cunning, menacing.

I draw back instinctively, and a chill goes through me.

"I can do more, much more; worse things, terrible things," he says softly. "Don't push me. Don't test me."

He fixes his eyes on me.

"Stop seeing him," he says softly, almost kindly; an older, much wiser brother giving advice to a young, wayward sister.

"You're crazy," I mutter, staring at him in horror. "You're crazy, oppa."

"To me, you're more important than anyone else, more important than anything else," he says. 

He speaks evenly, in measured tones, but his eyes suddenly come to life, and blaze with an unnatural manic fervour, making me recoil in revulsion and horror.

"Don't tell me that you did it for me," I cry. "You shouldn't have done it! You're my oppa! He grew up worse than me. He's been hurt enough. Don't hurt him more by doing this!"

"Go and sleep," he says, getting up. 

He looks calm, untroubled, and his eyes have slipped back into the blank, remote eyes of a stranger's again.

He goes into his room and closes the door.

What had I said to Moo young?

"Don't tell me that you got hurt again."

He had denied it, lying that he had gone to a friend's place, and stayed there all night.

My brother had stabbed him with a knife. He had driven that knife into an innocent man because he wanted to hurt him. He has threatened to do worse things, terrible things to Moo young if I continue to see him.

My heart hurts so much that I feel like I've been ripped open, cut open by Jin kook's knife. 

I pick up my phone and call the unknown number.

"Hello?" A strange male voice answers on the other end.

"Er, I got a call from this number," I say haltingly. "Is this a hospital?"

"No, this isn't a hospital," he answers. "Kim Moo young called you using my phone."

"I - I heard that he's injured," I say. "How badly is he injured?"

"He's injured but it's nothing serious," the man answers. "I'll tell him to call you. May I know your name?"

"I'm Yoo Jin kang " I say. "Please don't tell him that I called. Thanks for your help."

I end the call. 

I make myself a coffee. Jin kook has warned me that he's capable of doing worse things to Moo young. He's saying that he won't hesitate to harm him again if I continue to see him. 

I go to Moo young's place. I open his fridge and fill it with water bottles. His drawing's in there, folded neatly. I open it and look at it. I put it back in the fridge. I clean up the place and write him a note.

I'M SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE MY BROTHER.

I pick up the stuffed cat and whisper, "Bye". I turn off the lights, and shut the door.

At home, I knock on Jin kook's door.

I open the door and stand in the doorway.

Jin kook's sitting at his desk.

"I won't see him anymore," I say.

I close the door, and go into my bedroom.

I lie in the dark, and the hot tears gush out, drenching my pillow.

The next day, I wake up early.

The air is cold and crisp.

The streets are empty, but everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, I see him.

Here, we first held hands; our hands brushed against each other, and intertwined, and it felt so natural, so right, so warm.

There, on that little rise, you smiled at me, your heart in your eyes, and you told me that I'm beautiful.

At that corner, where the intersection is, you stole my bike and rode round and round me in circles, laughing out loud, your eyes alight with wickedness and mischief, making me giddy with confusion, making my heart flutter with strange, new, wonderful sensations.

And over there, in front of that flower shop, I bent down to touch the crysanthemums, and when I looked up, you were looking at me, your lips curved at the edges, your eyes so tender, and soft, and gentle, filled with such love, such warmth, that it brought tears to my eyes.

Every step that I take leads me right back to you.

These empty streets can never be quite the same again; like me, they're changed, different. They're different, because I've been there, every turn, every nook, every corner with you. They're no longer empty streets, you see. They've become my memories, little tokens of what we feel for each other, of the precious moments that we spent with each other. For infused between the concrete and the gravel, the cracks and the crevices, is part of my heart, part of my soul. 

I miss you so much.

Remembering hurts too much.

The cat's sitting at a corner.

I run over and it.

I'm so happy to see him.

"How have you been?" I ask.

The cat scuttles off.

I follow him, and scoop him up.

"I'm so happy to see you," I murmur. "Your big brother was really worried about you."

I cradle the cat in my arms and walk to Moo young's place.

I squat down and release it.

A shadow falls over me.

I get up, and turn around.

It's Moo young.

He's standing there, the sunlight bouncing off his hair, turning it to fiery crimson.

I pick up the cat and passes it to him.

"Are you happy that I'm here?" he smiles at the cat, holding it high up in his hands, tickling its fur.

He bends down, and sets the cat on the ground.

"It's okay if you want to leave. You can leave anytime that you want," he says softly to the cat. "If you want to come back, you can come back anytime that you want."

He straightens, and walks toward me.

He stands in front of me, smiling at me. He reaches out his hands and brushes back my hair from my face gently, tenderly, tucking the little wispy edges that have escaped behind my ears.

"There, all done," he says softly. "You look beautiful. You can go now."

"Where can I go?" I ask, choking on a sob. "Where can I go?"

"You said that you'd hold onto me. You said that you'd stop me from leaving," I cry, the tears spilling over. "I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to. It's not going to work, anyway, because the moment that I leave, I'll just come running back to you."

I'm crying, deep wrenching sobs that rack my body, and make my breath come in gasps.

He takes a step forward and pulls me into his arms, one hand on my back, and the other behind my neck. He kisses me, wildly, desperately, and I kiss him back, clinging to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, threading my fingers through his hair. My heart's hammering, and there's a rushing sound in my ears. We pause for a moment, and he rests his forehead against mine. He my cheeks with his thumbs; light, feathery touches that make my skin tingle, and cups my jaw with his long, slender fingers. I wait breathlessly, and then he bends down and kisses me again, softly, sweetly, tenderly, and the world melts away.

We're sitting on the rooftop, my head leaning against his shoulder.

"Did you think that I wanted to break up?" I ask, my hands in his.

"I told oppa that we're not going to see each other anymore," I said. "I lied to him."

I look at him.

"If I could break up with you, I would, but I can't," I say. "If you don't say that you hate me, then I'm not going anywhere."

"Even if I tell you to leave, don't go anywhere," he says.

"Are you going to tell me to leave?" I ask.

"Don't leave me, no matter what happens," he says seriously. "Even if I say that I don't love you anymore, it's a lie."

"Why would you lie?" I ask.

"I won't," he promises.

"Don't ever lie like that," I say.

"I won't," he says, smiling. "Don't worry. I'll never, ever lie like that."

"We'll have to see each other secretly from now on," I say. "I can't watch my brother fall apart."

"I'm really good at dating secretly," he grins.

"Me, too," I smile.

I'm leaving Moo young's place.

"You can't walk me home anymore," I say. "I'll text you."

"I'm not going to work for a while," he says. "I'm still under investigation. I feel that the doctor knows me, and my past, but he doesn't want to tell me more."

"Why not?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says slowly. "Maybe - Maybe my past is bad."

"What do you mean?" I say.

"What if there's something really, really bad in my past, something that I shouldn't know about? What if it's better not to know... ," his voice trails off.

"Don't think about it," I say.

He looks at me, and immediately, his brow clears.

"Don't worry," he says softly. "It's nothing for you to worry about."

I open my arms, and he comes to me like a child.

We hug each other tightly.

"Don't be afraid," I say softly. "Don't be uncertain. Don't think about those things."

"If it's something really bad, then I hope that you don't find out about it," I say. "But you should do what your heart tells you to do."

"Maybe there's something in my past that I don't even know about," he whispers, his face buried in my chest.

"It's okay," I say. "I'll love you, no matter what happens, no matter how horrible your past is. Just promise me, promise me that you won't disappear without telling me, take your phone with you everywhere you go, and never get injured again. Will you promise me all of that?"

"I promise," he vows.

We hug.

"I'm late," I say. "I really have to go, before oppa comes back. Bye."

But we keep hugging.

I finally leave, and wave goodbye to him as I walk down the steps. I look up when I reach ground level. He's still leaning over the rooftop, waving at me, and smiling.

I'm cleaning the house when Jin kook comes back.

"You're late," I say.

"What are you doing?" he asks, looking surprised.

"I'm cleaning up the house," I say. "There's some bread on the table if you're hungry."

"Okay," he smiles, and goes into his room, and closes the door.

The next morning, I text Moo young.

TEXT: ARE YOU AWAKE? ARE YOU GOING TO HAND IN YOUR RESIGNATION TODAY?

MOO YOUNG: YES, I SAW DR. YANG BEFORE HANDING IN MY RESIGNATION AT WORK.

TEXT: ALREADY?

Jin kook knocks on the door, and I hide my phone under my pillow.

He comes in.

"I won't be sending you to work today," he says. "There's heavy traffic on the roads today."

"It's okay," I smile.

He leaves the room.

I take out my phone.

I text Moo young.

TEXT: YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN TO SEE THE DOCTOR. WHAT DID HE SAY?

MOO YOUNG: I'M NOT SURE, BUT I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY REAL NAME IS?

TEXT: YOUR REAL NAME?

MOO YOUNG: YES, MY REAL NAME.

I smile.

TEXT: WOW. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS NOW. WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?

MOO YOUNG: SUN HO. KANG SUN HO.

Kang Sun ho.

I say the name softly, rolling the syllables about my tongue, letting them linger on it.

It's a lovely name.

I smile.

It's only a matter of time before he finds out who he is.