Chapter 16:  You're Just You To Me

 

We're snacking on some energy bars in the office when Ms. Hwang comes in.

"Ms. Hwang, which Chinese character do you use for your last name 'Sun' in Hwang Sun hwa?" I aak.

"Kindness, of course," she laughs. "What else?"

I smile broadly, flooded with happiness.

Obviously, it would mean 'kindness'.

I text Moo young.

TEXT: HAVE YOU RESIGNED YET?

He replies.

MOO YOUNG: I WAS FIRED BEFORE I COULD.

I call him at once.

"I wanted to hand in my resignation just now," he says. "Guess what - it turns out that they'd fired me before I could tell them that I quit."

"Oh, " I say, "but you were going to quit anyway."

"They gave me as many chances as they could," he says. "Shall we meet up?" 

"Sure," I say.

I make my way to the Lock Lookout at the Namsan Tower.

He's already there, standing still, and staring out into the distance.

"Kang Sun ho," I call, and he turns around, his hair fluttering in the wind, and smiles.

I run into his arms, and he hugs me tightly.

"Let's take a pic," I say.

We take three pictures together.

"Are they nice?" he asks. 

We look happy in each pic, snuggling close to each other.

"I'll send you all of them later," I promise.

I hug his arm.

"We should celebrate," I say.

"What should we celebrate?" he asks.

"Your jobless state," I grin, and he laughs.

I turn to him.

"Your name," I say. "We should celebrate discovering your real name."

He smiles.

"I like your real name a lot," I say. "'Sun' means 'kindness', and 'ho' means 'elevated'. Kang Sun ho. It's a good name; it sounds like a name for a nice, brave boy. Your parents must have been really special because they gave you such a good, strong name."

"Really?" he smiles, but his eyes are sad.

"Did the doctor tell you anything else besides your name?" I ask.

"Not really," he answers.

"I feel so happy that you've found your real name," I say. "I feel like I've found my own name."

"You can find your own name, too," he says, hugging me gently. "Let's find your name together, shall we?"

"No, I don't want to," I say. "Oppa will tell me when the time comes. I'll wait for him to tell me."

It's night.

We walk hand in hand, strolling through the park near the tower.

The leaves have fallen from the trees, and their branches are bare and frail against the wind and the cold wintry night. We have come too late to see the gorgeous red and golden leaves of Autumn, and all that remains is a thick canopy of dead, fallen leaves, damp, decaying and slippery beneath the heavy tread of our feet.

"I wish that I could have seen the fall foliage," I say wistfully. "But it looks like it's all gone now."

We walk slowly, carefully; I hold on to his hands tightly, so that I don't slip and fall.

"My father committed suicide," he says quietly. "He threw himself over the mountains."

I almost stumble, but his grip tightens.

"I'm not sure if the doctor's not telling the truth, or if it's really true," he says. "The only thing that I'm sure of is that mine wasn't a happy family."

There's a slight tremor in the hands gripping mine so tightly, even though he speaks steadily without faltering.

I throw my arms around his waist, and hug him to me fiercely, protectively.

"Your father has died," I say softly, his head, his hair, his shoulders, his back.

He tightens his arms around me, burrowing his head into my chest, laying his cold cheek against my neck. He doesn't say anything, and we stay like that, in an embrace borne of pain and grief.

We're sitting together at the bus stop.

"I'm going to Haesang," he says. "I want to go there."

"There's a mountain there," he says. "That's where it happened, that's where he jumped."

He stares bleakly into the dark.

I squeeze his hand tightly, and rest my head against his shoulder.

He smiles down at me, and bends and kisses the top of my head; an infinitely sweet, tender kiss.

"Would you like me to go with you?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"Say hi to your father for me," I say softly.

"What should I say to him?" he says, and he looks lost suddenly. "I don't even know his name."

"You can just call him Father," I say gently. "'Father, it's me, San ho'."

"That's...nice," he smiles, and there are unshed tears in his eyes.

I fight to keep my tears from falling.

The bus comes.

"Take this bus," he says. "I'll take the next one."

"It's really tough dating secretly," I grumble. "We can't even take the same bus."

The bus leaves, but I don't get on it. I can't.

I turn to him.

I feel so cold, and I can't stop shivering.

"I don't know why," I say, clutching at him in a sudden panic, "but I feel so nervous about your going to Haesang."

"Don't be nervous," he says, hugging me comfortingly. "I'll be back soon."

I hug him back, but the stab of anxiety won't go away. It persists the whole of the next day.

Later, at night, I text him

TEXT: HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?

There's no reply from him.

Maybe, he fell asleep. He's so tired that he fell asleep.

That's it. He'll text me when he wakes up.

There's a banging at the door. Jin kook and So jung come in. Jin kook's dead drunk.

I help So jung to bring him to his room.

"It's Jin kang," he yells happily. "You're so ugly that you must be my Jin kang."

He accidentally knocks over the pic of me and him in front of the hospital, the one that he framed up and put on the side table. He bends down and picks it up.

"This is my Jin kang," he says lovingly, smoothing his thumb over me in the pic.

He starts to gag, and runs to the bathroom. We hear him throwing up.

So jung looks apolegetically at me.

"I'm so sorry that he's so drunk, Jin kang," she says. "I should have stopped him from drinking so much."

"It's okay, eunnie," I say. "I'll take care of him."

So jung leaves.

The next morning, Moo young calls me. He's at the playground.

I ride as fast as I can to the playground.

He's there, dangling upside down on a railing.

I'm out of breath, and I can't talk. He laughs.

We sit on the swings, and swing together.

"I found my old house in the forest," he says. "It was really pretty."

"Really?" I cry.

"I was just kidding," he smiles. "There wasn't any house. I just walked around, and then I came home."

I punched him.

"I was really happy," I yell. "I thought that you'd found your house."

"It'd have been nice to have found it," I say. "It might have reminded you of something in your past."

"Yes, it'd have been nice," he says, and then he subsides into silence.

He stands up.

"Your brother worked in Haesang, right?" he asks. "So when did you move to Seoul?"

"Er, let me see. It was after my mother's death," I say, slowly. "That'd have been - "

"1996?" he interjects.

"Wow, that's impressive," I say, awed. "You worked it out so fast."

"Why did you move to Seoul?" he asks.

"I think that it was because of me," I say. "I wasn't adjusting well to school."

"Policemen work four shifts, right?" he asks. "When are his off days?"

"The 4th, 8th and 12th of this month," I say.

"So he's on his day shift now?" he says.

"Yes, he is," I say. "But why are you so interested in him all of a sudden?"

"I want to become a policeman," he smiles. "Remember, I told you. I was just curious, that's all."

"Oh, yes," I say. "I remember you said that you thought that your father was a policeman."

Later that morning, Jin kook gives me a lift to work.

"Why did you leave home so early in the morning?" he asks. "Was it to work out?"

"Yes, I did," I say.

We get into the car and drive off.

I'm so tired that I fall asleep in the car.

Next thing I know, Jin kook's shaking me awake and yelling, "Get out; get out of the car now. There's a bus coming."

I sleepily get out of the car.

"Don't forget the movies tonight," I yell, as he turns his car around and drives back the way we came from. He must have forgotten to take something at the house.

So jung and I are in a cafe.

I'm treating her to a bowl of hot soup for her hangover.

"Ah, that feels so good and warm," she says. "Thanks for the treat."

"It's the least I can do," I grin. "After all, you did help to raise me."

"What do you think of my brother as a boyfriend?" I ask.

She almost spits out the soup in shock.

"B - Boyfriend?" she splutters. "He isn't a boyfriend."

So jung and I laugh.

"You're too good for someone like him," I say.

She puts down her spoon.

"I'm a divorced woman. I'm not that great," she says. "I'm single again. Manager Yoo's a really nice guy - ."

She catches herself, and I laugh.

We're at the movies.

"You're even treating me to a movie," she sighs. "Thanks, Jin kang."

"Oh, I just remembered that I've to do something at my company," I say. "I've to rush off."

"It's okay," So jung says. "You go ahead, go to your company. I'll be fine."

"Someone over there will take care of you," I grin.

I point to my brother who's waiting in front.

"It's so obvious, isn't it?" I laugh. "Enjoy the movie."

Jin kook catches sight of us and walks over.

I pass the tickets to both of them and smile.

"Enjoy the movie," I grin.

"This is so obvious," So jung mutters.

I text Moo young.

TEXT: WHERE ARE YOU?

He doesn't answer, so I walk to his place. 

I go in, and see a toy robot on his coffee table. It's blue, and red, and it's missing an arm.

Moo young comes in.

He stops, and stares at the robot walking on the floor.

"You fixed it," he says, looking amazed.

"I don't think that I did," I say. "I just cleaned up some of the dirt, and wound it up. Then it started working. Where's the arm?"

"I lost it," he says. "I mean, it wasn't there when I found it in Haesang. Maybe that's why it was abandoned."

"Why didn't you answer my text?" I ask.

"I had to go somewhere," he answers vaguely.

He looks far away.

He goes to the sink, and washes his hands. He stands there, and the water keeps running, but he just keeps standing there, and the water keeps running.

I turn off the tap, and he starts.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, sitting on the bed, and holding his hands.

He kneels in front of me, our hands clasped together.

He looks at me for a long time. 

His eyes are so, so sad, and there's so much pain in there, it's like he's breaking inside.

"You're just you," he says softly, gently, lovingly, looking into my eyes. "Whatever happens, you're just you to me."

"I'm just me?" I ask, confused. "I don't understand..."

He lifts my hands to his, both hands clasped between his own, and kisses them tenderly; first, one; and then, the other.

"Just remember what I said," he says, holding my gaze, his eyes very serious, a note of urgency in his voice.

He leans forward and hugs me to him for a moment, before lowering his body and resting his head tiredly on my lap. I put my arms around him and his hair gently.

The next day, I text Moo young.

TEXT: Hi.

MOO YOUNG: WHAT TIME ARE YOU FINISHING WORK TONIGHT?

TEXT: TEN AT THE EARLIEST, BUT IT MIGHT BE OVERNIGHT. SEE YOU TOMORROW MORNING.

MOO YOUNG: OKAY.