Chapter 19:  I Began With You

 

I walk along the street with the picture frame in my hands. I kneel on the ground as I hug it to my chest, shuddering with tears.

I'm at the police station.

"My name is Yoo Jin kang," I say.

"What's your relationship with Kim Moo young?" the police officer asks.

"I was..I am his girlfriend," I say.

"When did you find out that he killed Jang Se ran?" he asks.

"Did he really kill her?" I ask. "I don't think that he killed her."

"Wake up," he says kindly, with a look that's half-jaded, half-pitying. "The news may say that he's a suspect, but do you really think that he's a suspect? Why do you think that we've released so much information to the public? It's because we're positive that he did it."

I come out of the police station.

Jin kook gets out of his car.

"You didn't have to come and pick me up," I say.

"Did they give you a hard time?" he asks.

"I just told them everything that I know," I answer.

The car stops at an intersection.

Ahead of us, on top of a building, Moo young's face appears on a giant TV screen. There's a hunt for him.

"Is it true what they're saying, oppa?" I ask. "Is it true that he killed her?"

Jin kook doesn't say anything. The lights turn green, and he resumes driving.

"Your real name is Jung yoon, Han Jung yoon," he says quietly. "I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier. First, let's find Moo young, and then I'll tell you all the things that I've to tell you."

I smile at him.

"Okay," I say.

I'm at home.

The police officer had said that he was the murderer. There wasn't any doubt about it.

I stare at the pic that I'd taken with Moo young at Namsan Tower.

I take the empty frame that I'd found in the box on the rooftop. I slip the pic into the frame, and set it up on my desk.

We look happy there, laughing, and snuggling into each other.

Jang Se ran had told me, with a smile on her lips, to ask my brother what had happened between him and Moo young twenty-five years ago. It had something to do with me, she had said, her eyes filled with relish, with excitement.

What had So jung say?

Oppa hadn't hated Moo young. He'd feared him, he'd felt guilty, but he'd never hated him.

I'm sitting on the sofa in the dark.

I can't sleep.

Jin kook comes out of his room.

He starts when he sees me.

"Why did you stab Moo young that day?" I ask.  "Why did you do that? You said that you felt sorry to him, so why did you stab him?"

"I was wrong," Jin kook says quietly.

"You were wrong," I answer. "He's a different person now. He's changed. He told me that he wants to be born again."

I stare unseeingly into the dark.

"I don't understand why he'd kill someone. I won't believe it," I say. "I won't believe anything, unless I hear it directly from him."

I look at Jin kook.

"Oppa," I say. "It's not like a cold that goes away after you've suffered a little." 

 I look at him.

"I don't think that I could live without him," I say slowly. "I'll die without him."

Jin kook sits on the sofa beside me and takes my cold hands in his. He pulls me into a warm, comforting hug.

"I'll find him," he says gently. "I'll find him, so don't worry."

So jung comes to my house.

"Have you changed your passcode to your door?" she asks anxiously. "I've been telling Jin kook to change it, but he hasn't done so, even though he said that he would. Change it so that you'll be able to sleep peacefully at night."

She watches as I change the passcode.

"You didn't key in something personal, did you?" she asks anxiously. "Like your birthday?"

"No, I didn't," I say.

I turn to her.

"This is about Moo young, isn't it?" I say. "It's him that you're worried about. What happened? Tell me what happened."

"Kim Moo young came to your house twice," she says. "He brought a gun once as well."

"Was it because of what happened between oppa and his father?" I ask. "When did this happen?"

"It was on the day that you worked overtime," she says, "the day that you asked me to eat dinner with your brother."

Alone, I scroll through the messages that I'd exchanged with Moo young on that day. He'd asked me what time I'd get off work, and I'd answered that I'd be working late, and the earliest that I would finish would be around 10.

Another memory surfaces, this time of the two of us at the playground. He'd asked me about Jin kook's working schedule and his off days. He'd found out that Jin kook would not be working that night that I was working overtime.

I go and visit Yoo ri in prison.

"You're here about Kim Moo young," she says when she sees me.

"Do you think that he killed her?" I ask.

"What about you, eunnie?" she asks.

"I don't think that he killed her," I answer.

"I think that he killed her," Yoo ri says slowly. "If he wants to do something, he'll just do it. He's more than capable of doing it."

She leans forward.

"Even though he's killed someone," she says, "he's still Kim Moo young. He doesn't do anything to anyone without a good reason."

I take a taxi to the police station.

It's swarmed with police and reporters.

The secretary's being escorted out by some police officers.

"What did you say to Kim Moo young?" I yell. "What did you say to him?"

He ignores me and gets into the car.

"Where is he?" I scream, pounding on the window. "Please tell me, where is he?"

The car drives away.

I'm lying down next to him.

It's night and we're lying down on a blanket in the woods, looking up into the sky.

I turn to him, and I see that his eyes are full of tears.

Gently, I wipe away his tears.

"Are you crying?" I ask softly.

"Yes," he answers, smiling at me through his tears.

"Are you crying because you're happy, or because you're sad?" I ask.

"Because I'm happy," he answers.

"What are you happy about?" I ask.

"The sky," he answers.

"The sky?" I ask.

"Yes, it's so beautiful," he says, looking up, the stars reflected in his eyes. "Why haven't I noticed it before, how beautiful the sky is? There are so many beautiful things in the world."

"Yes, so many," I say softly.

We turn and look at each other, lying side by side.

"We were here before," he says softly.

"We were?" I ask.

"Yes, we were," he smiles. "A long, long time ago. Back then, I was really good to you."

"You were?" I ask.

"Yes, I was," he says, "so, since you know this now, you should be really, really good to me, from now on."

"I will," I promise, and I link my fingers with his.

"I'll be so good to you," I smile, "so let's live together for a long, long time."

He smiles at me, and looks up at the sky.

"Moo young," I say, and I reach out and cradle his head against mine. I breathe him in, inhaling him, his warmth, his presence, his essence.

I touch his cheek. It feels so soft under my skin, and damp from his tears. I trace the outline of his lips, and my fingers linger at the edges, that tilt so slightly, curving slowly into that tender, loving smile that I love so much. He reaches out and lays his hand over mine, over my hand that's touching his cheek. He burrows his head into me, as I his hair and hold him close to me, my heart beating against his cheek.

I wake up with a start.

My cheeks are wet with tears.

What had Moo young said about the house in the woods? He had said that it wasn't real.

But what if it was?

I get up and go to my desk. I unfold the drawing.

I switch on the computer, and go to google maps.

I search for a satellite image of Mount Geumah.

There it is. 

And then I see it, next to the mountain.

The house in the woods.

It's there.

It's really there.

It's real.

I buy a train ticket to Haesang. It's the earliest possible ticket.

I jot down the train time in my notebook. 5.35 am.

My phone buzzes.

There's a text for me.

It's from the secretary.

It's an article on a crime scene that happened in the woods twenty-five years ago. Three people were murdered. The names of the victims are in there, as well as the murderer. It says that the murderer's son, a boy, and the daughter of the two victims, a little girl, suffered severe burns and were sent to hospital.

I get off the train.

I head for the woods.

As I walk, images flit across my mind, misty fragments of a forgotten past, slowly reshaping, reforming, pushing back the foggy clouds of time.

I'm playing with a boy who's holding a blue and red robot. He's laughing, the pure, joyous laughter of a child.

"Yoon!" he calls out to me, and gives me the robot.

We run together, him slightly ahead of me.

The dry leaves crackle under our feet and the woods ring with the sound of our laughter.

And then, the trees part, and there it is.

The house in the woods.

Moo young's house in the woods.

Our house in the woods.

Moo young's - and mine.

Another image surfaces.

It's dark. 

We're outside, huddled together against the cold.

I'm so hungry.

The grown-ups are inside. They're busy, chanting. I can hear their voices, lifted in unison, drifting to me through the shut door.

I clutch my stomach.

He climbs up and peeks through the window.

He climbs down, and sits down next to me.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a handful of peanuts.

"Go on, eat," he says, smiling.

I take the peanuts and chew on them.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out all the peanuts.

He passes them all to me.

I walk into the house.

Moo young turns and sees me.

His eyes fall to the gun in my hand.

"How did you find me?" he asks, with a slight smile.

"I have a question," I say. "This gun...you got it for my brother, right?"

"Yes," he says.

"To kill him?" I ask.

"Yes," he answers.

"You came to my house that night with a gun," I say in a flat, hard voice.

"Yes," he answers.

"You asked me how late I'd be working. You asked me about his shift," I say.

"Yes," he says.

"Did you really want to kill him?" I ask.

"Yes, I did," he says, "but I couldn't, because someone came."

"So that's why you wanted to break up," I say, "because my brother killed your father."

"Yes," he answers.

"So do you have anything else to say, other than yes, yes, yes?" I ask, and my voice starts to tremble from rage. "Do you have any other lies prepared, with that tongue of yours that's filled with so many lies?"

"Nothing," he answers, smiling. "I've got nothing else to say."

I put the gun to my temple.

His smile fades.

His eyes open in shock.

"What are you doing?" he asks, his face rigid with fear.

"I'm going to die," I answer.

"That's not a toy," his voice cracks.

"So?" I shrug.

I the gun.

His face whitens.

"Give it to me," he says tightly.

"I'm sorry that my brother killed your father," I say. "I'm so sorry so I'll kill myself in his place."

"Give it to me," he says, holding out his hand. 

It's trembling.

"Promise me that you'll not kill yourself," I say. "Promise me that you'll not die."

"Yoo Jin kang!" he shouts.

He leaps toward me.

The gun fires.

He catches my arm.

He's breathing hard, his breath coming in jagged gasps.

"Do you really want to die?" he asks, his voice shaking.

'No," I answer steadily, clearly. "I want to live, together with you."

"Go," he says.

He turns away, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"I won't," I answer. "I won't leave without you."

"Your father killed my parents. I was afraid when I found out that they'd died like that, and that it was because of your father," I say. "But when I found out that my brother killed your father, I realized that you'd also feel what I was feeling. That's why you said those words to me, right?"

I taste the salt on my lips, and it's only then that I realize that I'm crying.

"You said, "You're just you'," I say, sobbing. "You said, "You're just you to me'."

He looks at me, and his eyes are filled with a deep, deep sadness.

"I killed someone," he whispers.

"You can start over. You can serve your sentence," I cry.

"No, I can't," he says brokenly, his eyes filled with despair. "I can't start over anymore. I want to die, as me."

"You're so bad. You're so cruel," I cry. "What about me? What about me?"

"Go back," he answers simply.

"Where?" I cry. "Where can I go?"

"To before you met me," he answers, his voice raw with pain.

"But that was where I started," I cry. "I started with you."

I'm crying, the tears falling, spilling down my face.

"You were there from the beginning," I cry in anguish, the words tumbling over one another. "You were there with me, from the start. I began with you. It was you from the start. Don't you see? It's always been you from the start."

I show him the drawing.

I point at the small figure standing beside the boy, her hand in his.

"It's me, right?" I whisper. "You felt that you'd left something important behind when you walked out of that hospital...it was me, wasn't it?"

His eyes are filled with tears. 

He stands there, looking at me, with his heart in his eyes, with his love for me shining, shimmering through the haze of tears in his eyes.

My heart breaks, looking at his eyes.

"If you die, I'll die with you," I vow, and the oath, the unwavering conviction in my voice fills the silence of the room.

"I'm here right now, and it's all because of you," I whisper. "You're the reason why I'm alive. How could I leave? What would be the point of leaving? I'd just come running back. Because every step that I take would lead me right back to you."

"Do you really want to kill yourself?" I ask, my voice choking on a sob.

"No," he answers.

His voice cracks.

"I want to live."

I stumble toward him.

I hear the door open.

I turn, and I see the dead eyes staring at me, and the gun in his hand.

I throw myself in front of Moo young as the deafening shot reverberates around the room.

Moo young is holding me up in his arms, his mouth open in silent horror, his face ravaged with pain.

Another shot rings out.

I feel Moo young stagger, and he crumples to the ground, still gripping my arms.

We're lying on the ground.

We face each other, our sides, like in my dream.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I love you," I breathe.

Someone is breathing heavily, rapidly, loudly; the sound fills my head, my ears, the whole room, and I realize that it's coming from me.

Am I dying?

I'm dying, I think. 

It's strange how surreal this is.

I'm only thirty. I'm too young to die.

Moo young's too young to die.

He can't die.

He said that he wants to live.

He wants to live with me.

We want to live for a long, long time.

Remember what we said, Moo young?

Moo young, you musn't die.

I want you to live.

I keep looking at his eyes, willing him to stay awake, for just a little longer, to be with me, for just another brief moment.

But he's just so tired, and he looks at me, drowsily, his eyes content, at peace.

His eyes linger on me, fighting to stay open for just a tiny fraction longer, so that I won't be lonely, so that I won't be alone.

Please, Moo young, please.

Please don't leave me.

Slowly, very, very slowly, they close.

The tears fall from my eyes.

I can't go on anymore.

Not without him.

I can't live in this cold, empty world anymore without him.

I don't want to live without him.

I close my eyes, and the world, and the hate, and the pain fall away.

The stars beckon, and twinkle in the distance.

He's there, waiting for me; my love, my before, my now and my forever.

I run to him, and he opens his arms wide and catches me.

"You came," he says, smiling, his eyes alit with love and laughter.

"I came," I laugh.

"Did you wait long?" I ask softly.

"I waited for a while," he says. "But I wasn't worried. All I had to do was wait."

He smiles at me tenderly, my face, cupping my jaw in his warm hands.

"I waited my whole life for you, and you came. All I had to do was wait," he says softly, and lifts my hands to his lips, and kisses first, one, and then, the other.

"I waited for you many times in that old world," I smile, laying my hands over his. "You got lost many times, but I always found you."

"I got lost," he says softly, smiling gently, "but I always found my way back to you."

We interlace our fingers together, and smile at each other.

Hand in hand, we walk together, step by step, joyfully, toward our new beginning.

A hundred million stars explode in a brilliant, glorious, dazzling cascade of beauty and radiance and love and light. 

 

The End