Chapter 11  The Kiss

 

I call Moo young's phone, but there's no answer.

Where are you? Where are you?

Early the following morning, after a sleepless night, I receive a call from Seung ah's mother. 

"Jin kang," she sobs over the phone. "Seung ah..Seung ah was in an accident last night.. and the man...the man that she was with was...was killed."

I'm running.

Moo young is dead is dead is dead is dead he can't be dead no, please, no he can't be dead

I run and I stumble but I can't stop I need to keep running please you can't be dead please please you can't be dead please I need to see you one more time just one more time

I falter.

The latest breaking news is being beamed live on a giant screen hoisted atop a tall building in front of me.

DIRECTOR JANG WOO SANG OF NJ GROUP DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT EARLY THIS MORNING. HIS COMPANION, BAEK SEUNG AH, IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION.

I'm rooted to the spot.

Moo young? Why hasn't he been mentioned in the news bulletin?

Woo sang is dead. 

Seung ah is alive.

There's no mention of Moo young.

I stand there, as my mind struggles to process what I've just heard.

Woo sang is dead.

He can't be dead.

I just saw him last night, talking to Moo young, turning with a smirk, and walking away.

Another memory flashes across my mind: Woo sang's face contorted, ugly with rage and madness, tailing Seung ah's car closely from behind.

Seung ah's in critical condition, but she's alive.

Another image arises: Seung ah driving past me, Moo young at her side, their faces serious, unsmiling, their eyes concentrating on the road ahead.

The final image of last night surfaces, and with it, the uneasy heaviness of dread at the final glimpse of the two cars, one in front, the other behind, following closely, disappearing into the darkness, their headlights lighting up the inky blackness of a moonless night, as a shower starts, and the steady drizzle gains power, morphing into a ferocious rainstorm.

I call Jin kook.

"I'll be at the hospital as soon as possible," he says.

I'm at the hospital. Seung ah's mother falls into my arms, and weeps. I hold her, tears pouring down my face. We hold hands and wait together, sitting there outside the Operating Theatre, and the cold, icy walls offer no comfort, and stare at us blankly, unmoved, impervious to the sound of our muted sobs.

After an eternity, a team of doctors dressed in blue scrubs, with surgical masks dangling around their necks emerge through the swinging doors. One of them crosses over to us.

"She's out of surgery, and it went well. We expect her to make a full recovery," he says.

Seung ah's mother and I hug each other with relief.

Woo sang's secretary appears, and we draw apart.

He bows, and says, "She's being transferred to her room."

Jin kook comes running in.

I hurry over to him and pull him aside.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I'm fine," I say. "Seung ah's being transferred to the ICU. The surgery went well, and the doctors say that she's expected to make a full recovery."

Jin kook sags with relief.

"That's good, " he says, looking grave. "Jang Woo sang died. I saw the news at the police station."

I nod, and then lower my voice, and grip his arm.

"But, oppa," I say, frowning, "something's not right. I saw Kim Moo young sitting next to Seung ah in her car. She was driving, and he was sitting next to her. But there's no mention of him at all in the news. It's as if he wasn't there at all."

Jin kook looks troubled.

"I'll go and check at the information counter," he says.

He's back very fast.

"Moo young isn't registered as a patient in the hospital," he says, frowning.

 "I saw him in Seung ah's car and Woo sang was following them," I say adamantIy. "I can't understand why the news is reporting that Seung ah was in Woo sang's car with no mention of Moo young whatsoever."

Jin kook looks grim.

"Tell me everything," he says urgently.

"Woo sang sent some men to beat up Moo young," I say. "I was worried afterwards, and Moo young said that it would make more sense to go after the person who ordered the beating."

Jin kook looks worried.

At my office, everyone's talking about the accident.

"Are you okay?" Ms. Hwang lays a hand on my shoulder, looking concerned.

"I'm fine," I say. "Seung ah hasn't woken up yet, but her life is out of danger."

"They say that the car fell ten metres. She's lucky to be alive," Ms. Hwang says.

I feel sick.

I keep myself occupied with work, but I can't focus.

Finally, the day is over.

Maybe he's back.

Maybe he got out unhurt somehow, and made his way back to the apartment.

I walk up the steps to his apartment.

It's quiet and dark, exactly as it was the night before.

I call his number, but no one answers.

I sink to my knees.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Are you alive?

Where are you?

I hear a mew, from behind me.

Moo young's cat emerges from the corner.

I go to the pet store and buy a packet of cat food.

I'm walking out of the pet store when Jin kook pulls up next to me.

He glances at the packet of cat food in my arms.

"What's that?" he asks.

"Oh, just some cat food. Moo young has a cat, and it hasn't been fed," I say, and turn to him. "Oppa, should we file a missing person's report?"

Jin kook's face tightens.

"It's none of your concern," he snaps.

"But, oppa - ," I protest.

"I'll handle it, okay," he yells. "You stay out of it, and do nothing. I'll handle everything."

We drive the rest of the way in silence.

He's mad at me, because he's worried about me. I know that he'll do everything to get to the bottom of Moo young's disappearance. I feel comforted. Jin kook has never let me down, not ever. If he says that he'll help me, he will. I trust him completely, because he's Jin kook, and I trust him more than anyone in the world.

That night, I toss and turn in bed. Late at night, I get up.

I go to Moo young's place and feed the cat.

Feeding his cat makes me feel better somehow, even though the place is dark and silent, and it's clear that no one's been there in days.

The next day, I visit Seung ah in the ICU. She's still under sedation, and there are tubes running all over her body. But she seems to be doing fine, and I hope that she'll wake up soon. I have so much to say to her. I have to apologize to her for hurting her and for betraying our friendship. I have to beg for her forgiveness. 

Outside the ICU, I run into Woo sang's secretary again. His eyes flicker when he sees me, and he walks away.

"You were in the neighbourhood on the night that he got beaten up," I say. "It was you that I bumped into."

He stops, and says over his shoulder, "I don't know what you're talking about. You have the wrong person."

He continues walking.

"Wait," I call after him. "Where is he? What's happened to him?"

He keeps walking, and ignores me.

"At least, tell me if he's alive," I cry.

He pauses, then walks on.

"Jin kang! Yoo Jin kang!"

He's calling out to me, but I can't reach him. I can't see him. There's darkness all around.

And still, he keeps calling out to me.

"Jin kang! Yoo Jin kang!"

I startle awake.

I'm lying across my desk at home.

He's calling out to me.

He's there, waiting for me.

I run to his place.

I grasp the doorknob, and I turn it, and pull it, and push it, in a frenzy, over and over, but nothing happens, and the door remains closed, shut, silent.

I sink to the ground.

I'm crying, wailing, rocking on my knees.

There's so much pain, so much grief in my heart, that it's unbearable.

"Where are you?" I wail, the raw, hoarse, agonized cry of an animal in torment, in anguish, torn from my throat, wrenched from deep within me. "Where are you?"

No one answers me; no tall, lean figure uncoils itself from the shadows, holding me captive with those enigmatic eyes, smiling that crooked, wicked little half-smile, whispering, "Have you ever missed me?"

My only companions are the deafening silence, the cold emptiness, and my own, inconsolable, unbearable loneliness.

The next day, I'm at the rooftop again.

I pour some cat food into the bowl.

"Where are you?" I breathe.

A shadow falls over me.

I look up.

It's him.

It's really him.

He came back.

I rise shakily to my feet.

All this time, all these days, all these nights, yearning for him, longing for him, praying for him to appear before me, for the briefest of time, even for a mere second, have crystallized into this unbelievable, surreal moment, and I'm dizzy, overwhelmed, stunned.

I have to run, take flight, or I will fling myself into his arms, and hold him so tightly, and never, never let him go.

I lost you, I cry in my heart. I lost you, and I thought that I would never see you again. 

I thought that you died.

I wanted to die, too.

But the image of a girl surfaces with a vengeance, of a girl, broken and pale, lying still and motionless, breathing through a tube, on a bed in a hospital, and the icy fingers of guilt twine and wrap sinuously around my heart, and squeeze it, choking me, leaving me gasping for breath; reminding me of my treachery, my betrayal, my sin, my burden, my cross to bear, forever, until the end of time. 

He belongs to her.

He is not mine.

I turn from him, my eyes blinded by tears.

With one swift motion, he pulls me into his arms, crushing my lips against his in a hard, hungry kiss, and the world falls away. I push back weakly, but I can't fight him, nor myself anymore, and I melt into his arms, into his kiss. Our foreheads touch, as he leans in close, so close that our bodies are moulded together, and there isn't any space between us; he deepens the kiss, and his lips are soft, lingering, gentle, his hands cradling my face tenderly,  as if I'm so fragile, so infinitely precious.

Time stands still, and all that I'm aware of is the beating of his heart against my chest, and I reach up and lock my arms around his neck, and hug him to my heart, my soul, my being, as our breaths merge, and mingle, and become one. I feel the warmth of his lips on mine, and I'm gloriously, wonderfully, deliriously alive. Have I ever lived before this? Have I ever loved before this?

He kisses me, and there's so much longing, and yearning, and love, and reverence in his kiss, so much that it hurts; I taste salt on my lips, and it's only then that I realize that I'm crying.

I return home.

Jin kook is in.

"I don't know where Moo young is, but I found out that  he's okay and he'll come home soon," he says. 

"He's already home," I say numbly, and go into my room.

Jin kook follows me into the room.

"Did you meet him?" he asks, looking frantic.

"I did, but it won't happen again," I say tiredly. "Turn out the lights so that I can sleep."

I curl up on the bed and close my eyes.

Jin kook stands there for a second, and then he turns off the lights and closes the door.

Alone, in the darkened room, I think of the kiss.

I'd drawn away, but he'd tightened his hands on my arms.

"Stay," he whispered.

"We shouldn't meet again," I say, raising my eyes to his.

There's self-loathing in my eyes; I hate myself so much for betraying Seung ah, again.

That night, I'm sleeping fitfully, when my phone buzzes.

It's a text from Seung ah's mother.

I stumble to the door, and open it.

Jin kook's standing outside my door. He looks up from his phone.

His face is stunned.

I take one step forward, and he envelopes me in his arms, tightly, lovingly, as I weep brokenly, my body racked with sobs.

The news stations are reporting on the latest development everywhere.

FOUR DAYS AFTER AN CAR ACCIDENT THAT KILLED DIRECTOR JANG WOO SANG OF NJ GROUP, HIS COMPANION, BAEK SEUNG AH DIED EARLY THIS MORNING IN THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT OF THE HOSPITAL WHERE SHE HAS BEEN WARDED SINCE THE ACCIDENT.

I'm devastated.

Jin kook and I pay our respects at Seung ah's funeral. 

I'm in agony.

I feel like I've been ripped apart, like my heart's been cut open, and it's bleeding tears of pain. There's so much pain in me that I feel that my heart will break.

I almost collapse, and Jin kook has to help me up from the floor.

Thank you for being my friend, Seung ah.

I'm so sorry, Seung ah.

I never meant to hurt you.

Please forgive me.

I never got to tell you that I'm so sorry.

I never got to ask you to forgive me.

Rest in peace, Seung ah.

The next morning, I'm about to leave for work when Jin kook storms in through the gate.

He's in a towering fury. His face is flushed, and he's breathing heavily.

"You promised me that you'll stay away from Kim Moo young. Make sure you keep your promise," he grits. "That man doesn't care about anything. Everything's a game to him. He killed Seung ah."

I stare at him.

"What are you talking about?" 

"I spoke to him," Jin kook says. "I spoke to him, and he says that he'd have gone through with everything all over again, even knowing the outcome."

"Even if he knew that Seung ah would die. Even if he lost his life," Jin kook clenches his fists, his face filled with rage, "he'd still have done it."

He storms off.

I'm shaking. I stumble and clutch at the gate for support.

Jin kook's words haunt me all the way to work.

My phone buzzes.

It's a text from Cho rong. I stare blankly at it.

I text Cho rong back.

TEXT: COULD WE MEET UP LATER? I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO SAY.

At the noodles shop, I sit down to eat but my phone buzzes.

It's a text from Cho rong.

TEXT: I'M SORRY BUT SOMETHING CAME UP. I CAN'T MEET YOU FOR DINNER.

The door swings open.

I look up.

Moo young walks in and slips into the seat opposite me.

He smiles at me. He looks happy, carefree, his eyes twinkling with mischief and laughter.

He's acting like nothing happened.

He's acting like the accident never happened, like Woo sang and Seung ah never died.

"Aren't you talking to me?" he grins. "Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Why are you acting like nothing happened?" I ask, my voice strangled.

"Okay, you win," he says, and laughs.

I get up abruptly, and leave.

I can't bear to see his smiling face anymore.

I can't sit down a second longer with this man who doesn't seem human at all.

I walk and I walk, and then I stop.

I turn into the alley leading to his house.

I wait outside his apartment.

I've to talk to him, get this huge load of pain and grief and suspicion and revulsion off my chest.

He walks up slowly, and stops when he sees me on the rooftop.

The wind catches his hair, and whips it across his face and into his eyes, as he stands across from me.

"Jin kook says that everything's a game to you," I say, my voice, breaking.

I draw a deep breath to steady myself.

"Do you really not care if anyone dies, including yourself? Is that why you aren't sad?" I choke on a sob.

I'm crying.

"Would you really do all those things that you did all over again, knowing," I cry, the tears running down my face, unchecked, "knowing that you were risking Seung ah's life, knowing that you were risking your own?" 

He's looking at me, and he looks deep in thought, as if he's pondering my words carefully in his mind.

He doesn't say anything.

He can't, because it's the truth.

Moo young reaches out for me but I wrench my arm away.

"Even while Seung ah was dying, it was only you that I was worried about," I cry in agony. "I never got to apologize to her or to thank her."

"How can you remain so calm?" I scream at him through my tears.

"My friend was dying, and all that I did was to worry about you," I whisper brokenly. "So why don't you care about your life at all?"

He looks at me, and his eyes are clear and honest.

"I don't know, either," he says.

He speaks clearly, simply;  and the words reverberate around the silence and the gloom, ringing with the unmistakable sincerity and the painful starkness of truth.

This man in front of me has spoken the truth.

Two people have died because of him, but he doesn't care at all.

He doesn't know why he doesn't care, either.

The brutal honesty of his admission stuns me.

I feel numb, with denial, with disbelief.

I turn on my heels and walk away blindly, tears blurring my vision.

He makes no attempt to stop me.

He stands there as I walk away from him; the tears fall, and I wipe them off with my hands, but it's no use, because they keep falling.

I walk, to get as far away from him as I can, each step taking me further and further from him, and the memory of his supreme, callous indifference.