Dear my sun & moon,

It's that time of year again. 

Maybe now that I'm living in an area that has a drastic change within the four seasoons like Korea, I'm understanding the seasonal depressional.

I come home wanting to do nothing but sleep. I just want to do nothing but lie in bed or on the couch and feel empty.  I come home thinking about my day, and how so much has changed since 2017 and now. I'n 2017, I was still not accomplishing goals, running away from life's problems but I was happy. I could come home, watch a SHINee video and feel all of my stress of my day melt away. 

Now in 2019, after I faced my demons, accomplished my goals, I'm so unhappy. I come home from work, I can't even watch a SHINee video because all I want to do is cry because you're not here anymore. 

I miss you so much.

I faced my depression throughout 2012-2017, listening to your music, listening to SHINee's music. It was my saving grace when my mind went to places it shouldn't go to. It got me out. When my mind was in the darkest of places when my mind was spirialling out of control, your songs pulled me out. It was like the hand that reached down to pull me out of the dark hole my mind was placing me in. 

Now, I can't listen to your music. 

It spirals me out of control, I think about how happy I was in 2017 compared to now, how much my life has changed, what a mess my life has become. 

I just want to be in a place where I can listen to your music and not cry thinking about how your depression got the best of you like how it's getting to me.

It's so cold.

I miss you.