Dear my sun and moon, 

You know, it's been almost a year and a half since you've left, but here I am still angry and upset that you're gone. That's so selfish of me to think that. I'm still so heartbroke your'e no longer here.

I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss your voice.

But recently, I've been thinking about what life would be like if you were still here. You'd probably be in the military right? Probably Taemin would've gone as well knowing all his hyungs were in the military. You'd probably be there in the military band, maybe with Key performing? You'd probably be amazing and acknowledge for your voice again. You'd probably create a viral video of you singing the S.Korean national anthem in the unique voice you have.

What would happen if you were still here? 

I'd hope that S.M would be promoting mental health awareness more publicly. I mean, they probably take mental health care a lot more seriously now more than ever, but that's an internal process that we don't see. 

I miss you.

I always will wonder why you had to leave.  I now wonder what were you're thoughts as you had your last moments, what were the moments that drove you to the edge? I want to know. I wish I knew so I could share the burden so you wouldn't have to feel so lonely. 

Actually, speaking of Lonely, I listened to it. Live. But the weirdest part was knowing it was a cover of Lonely by Doyoung and Wendy. Goddamnit. Why does it have to be a cover. Why does every song you've sung have to be a cover now. I don't want it to be a cover of what you used to sing. I want it to be you singing. 

I'll always remember my last thought before you left, the night I fell asleep, "Jonghyun I hope you're happy." 

That was my last thought before I went to bed. 

And it'll always be my last thought when I think of you, "I hpe you're happy." 

I miss you, but I'll always love you. 

~ J♡