Sunday, January 13, 2019,

Dear my sun and moon?

How is it possible to miss you more now that a year has passed? How is this possible? I thought I was finally at my acceptance stage of grief, but no, i’m not.

I wish people would stop saying that fake shawols need to stop being depressed about the sadness and grief they face.

It angers me so much, because I don’t think I could ever face and be okay with grief of losing you. It’s funny how life works yeah?

I used to hate K-pop, i used to think it was horrible, but you changed my mind. You opened up my mind to the world of K-pop and I can never thank you enough for that. I thank you along with SHINee for showing me how amazing K-pop can be.

And now people tell me I need to get over the fact you’re not here when you’ve had such a huge impact on my life, it fills with me such frustration that I just want to scream.

I miss you so much, I wish I could hear your voice live once again, i wish i could see you smile, i wish I could’ve just hugged you and let you know that you did well, that I’m here for you, we’re all here for you, but i can’t.

I miss you, and it’s selfish i know, i know wherever you are is a better place than the piece of of a world we live in, but i can’t help but be selfish.

My feelings are all over the place, society tells me to hurry and be over your death, but I cannot. I don’t think i could ever?

The video of Minho & Taemin accepting the award on your behalf, it breaks my heart to pieces. The way Minho stares at the trophy, it shows his longing of the words he wish he could tell you. He misses you, we all miss you.

My sun and moon, I wish for you to be happy wherever you are and someday, maybe not this year, or month will i learn to move on,

~J♡