Dear my Sun and Moon,

I know you're out there watching over us. That's why that Pearl Aqua comet flew by Earth so close today as it's the first time in many years it's been so close.

Is it even possible a whole year has passed? It feels like yesterday when I woke up with unbearable pain in my chest at that ungodly hour at night. I always found it weird. I went to sleep normally, as it was my day off and I was going to enjoy that day. I remember as I was getting ready for bed, I thought about you. I thought about how you were and scrolled through your Instagram (I swear I'm not weird). I remember looking through all your pics, thinking about how much time had passed since you first made your Instagram (man I was there when it happened and istg I was one of the first 1,000 people to follow you lol).

I remember thinking, "I wonder if you're happy and doing well right now." 

Then I thought about it. I thought about how you just finished your two concerts a couple of days ago, and boy do I wish I was there because those concerts looked fun to be at, well any concert that has anyone in SHINee looks like a ton of fun to be at. I remember thinking about how you just finished recording the songs for your album as well as your MV for this new album, and I was so excited and proud of you. I couldn't wait for the new music that you would showcase to the world. I knew I would be blown away no matter what the song was. Then, I remembered, it was the end of 2017, and next year would be 2018, the 10th anniversary of SHINee. 10 years with your brothers you called bandmates. It would be such an exciting and happy time thinking about how as Shawols we could celebrate 10 years with you, even though I was only there with you for 5 of them (8 if you want to be technical.) I thought, man 2018 is going to be an exciting year for you, you must be so, happy. 

 Boy, was I ing wrong. 

Now that a year has passed, I still think about that night almost every day. I remember the excruciating pain I felt right where my heart is (physically) maybe it's where the spiritual heart is as well. Is it weird that I felt that pain? It was so unbearable, and I've almost died three times in my life. How is this even possible? Why did I feel such excruciating pain, and was torn with such grief and sorrow? 

I have no idea how to describe the pain I felt, except that someone ripped out my heart that day, and I had no idea what to do. My face was streaming with tears, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, as I clawed at my chest trying to grasp what was going on. I could only start gasping for short breaths of air, and I actually thought I was going to die.

I didn't, but I did die. 

I lost a piece of me the day you died. 

I'm still picking up the pieces of my life after you died.

Time moves so fast, and I wish it slowed down. I want to remember you, I don't want the time from having you alive shrink as the the time that you're not here grows. 

I love you so much, I miss you so much.

I wish you were here, but I know you're in a better place. I know you're watching over us Shawols, us humans don't deserve you in this world.

I love you my shining moon. 수고했어요, 종현아,

J~ ♡