Act I, Scene IV: Barba Non Facit Philosophum

Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea - 1800 hours

Kyungsoo wishes he could bring T.O.P. with him so that whenever he finds the otter named Neem, he can watch the dratted animal get covered in vomit too. Looking on as Baekhyun stares disbelievingly at his puke-covered clothes is remarkably therapeutic, after all. Better than anything the company therapist has done for me, at least.

Sadly, T.O.P. seems to have had enough excitement for the day, and Kyungsoo watches through the window with disappointment as the giant top drops to road level and spins back toward the BIGBANG dorm. With each crack in the sidewalk, the top lurches sickeningly, and Kyungsoo is quite sure T.O.P.’s seventh puke of the morning is imminent.

A shame. It’ll be a waste of an opportunity to make someone miserable, he thinks, shaking his head. But oh well. You can’t win every battle.

Ignoring Minseok’s ongoing rampage, Kyungsoo curls his knees to his chest, cradling his laptop, and clicks on the otter named Neem’s Instagram.

“Just an otter named Neem,” he reads from the description. “Expiring literary genius traveling the world for inspiration. #justwriterthings #loveyourself.”

Kyungsoo blinks. I’m assuming he’s both expiring and aspiring. And also really dumb.

As he scrolls through Neem’s posts, reading is almost physically painful - the egotistical furball clearly has no issue with loving himself, although he does have trouble with spelling. And that’s not even mentioning his poetry, which induces gagging and death wishes in its readers, Kyungsoo thinks, feeling his fingers curl with secondhand humiliation at the latest post, uploaded earlier in the day.

“My name is Neem. Today, I meat NCT Dream. #rhymemaster #shelsliverstein2.0 #traveldiary.” In the photo, taken in front of what appears to be SM quarters, Neem is apparently meeting - or “meating” - with the NCT members.

Actually, Neem really only “meats” with Mark, who is holding the otter up with a bored peace sign while staring somewhere behind the camera. The other NCT Dream members are scattered in the background, and Kyungsoo blinks again to make sure he’s not seeing things incorrectly. Just in front of the company sign, Haechan and Renjun have Super Junior’s Heechul hogtied on the ground - whatever happened to respecting industry seniors? he wonders - and the photo shows Jisung hanging off Siwon’s back with his teeth embedded in the terrified older idol’s neck. Jeno and Jaemin are on hoverboards with a shaky-eyed Eunhyuk cowering between them, and for some reason, Lucas from NCT U is in the corner of the photo grinning.

“Is that what the NCTzen stans have been up to then?”