Act I, Scene II: Viri Sanguinum

Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea - 0715 hours

Screaming wordlessly back at Chanyeol, Irene dodges the rice cooker with practiced ease. As he watches from the floor, Kyungsoo chooses not to question it - he’s always suspected SM has changed its training methods since he was a trainee to make the new rookies so agile, and come to think of it, his manager did walk off with their rice cooker one day and return it all bent out of shape the next.

Kyungsoo shudders. Let’s not think about that anymore.

Someone steps over him, nearly kicking him in the face. It’s Sehun, munching on a piece of toast that has “BLACKJACK ” carved into the burnt bits. Kyungsoo grabs his ankle and hangs on desperately.

“Sehun! Where’s our manager? Or where are the keys to his apartment? I can’t nap in this ruckus!”

His fellow member blinks at him, mouth still full of toast. “Hang on a sec, hyung.” Eyes narrowing, he hones in on a crowd of jeering Seventeen members who are taking turns hopping over Minseok’s flying Yixing-vacuum complex like a jump rope. An elaborately sliced avocado in hand (Sehun has always had a flair for the not-actually-expensive-but-appears-to-be-expensive things in life, including avocado toast), he winds back, takes aim, and sends the avocado whistling through the air to smash into the back of Woozi’s head.

Stumbling like he’s had too much booze, Woozi, oozing avocado pulp, woozily tips over, only to get caught in the gut by the Yixing-vacuum complex on its next orbit around Minseok. The remaining Seventeen members erupt into screams of rage, pounding their fists on the walls, and Dino bellows something nasty about Xingmis. Meanwhile, Yixing keeps wailing around in elliptical orbits, and the sound triggers in Kyungsoo some distant, hazy memory of high school physics and the Doppler effect. He doesn’t like it.

“You bastards,” Kyungsoo says for the third time that hour, although he’s quite sure no one will ever respond at this point, “I’m trying to nap.”

Uncaring, the chaos shrieks on around him. Producing a computer keyboard seemingly out of nowhere, Jeonghan surfs off the couch on top of it, hurling Baekhyun’s favorite baby carrots at the Apink members. “Bow down to Carat!” He pulls another carrot from the bag strapped on his back and slingshots it at Naeun’s nose. “I am the mighty keyboard warrior! See my hair glisten and cower!”

Behind him, Choa and Way drag a limp-bodied Junmyeon into the hallway, his face tattooed with