Act I, Scene VII: Ab Imo Pectore

Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea - 1930 hours

“OPPA, OPPA, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

“Dear God,” Kyungsoo breathes in horror. “What is that?”

Banging on the windshield, hair in a wild cloud around her head, a girl takes a deep breath, rears back, and continues her screeching. “MARRY ME! OPPA, OPPA, YOUR HAIR LOOKS FANTASTIC!”

Junmyeon gapes at the writhing figure on the hood. “It can’t be. They said they were all dead.”

Still struggling to wipe sticky green corn syrup off his face, Kyungsoo cranes his neck. “Is that… is that a fan?” The other boys murmur to each other, trading awed looks.

Jongin glances up from his phone, apparently too interested by the chaos to actually return to playing dead. “Hey guys! Check Kakaotalk, apparently this girl is the only fan who survived! They’re calling her the Girl Who Lived.”

“TAECYEON OPPA!” the Girl Who Lived screams, blood trickling from a cut on her forehead, presumably from crashing into the rotating ice cream cone on top of the truck. “WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DIDN’T YOU RESPOND TO MY KAKAO MESSAGE FROM TWO SECONDS AGO? I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOUR NEW HAIRCUT!”

“No, I don’t think you do,” Minseok mutters under his breath mutinously. “I his hair off with my vacuum cleaner. He’s balder than the day he was born.”

Jongin’s phone pings. “Breaking news,” he says excitedly, “the Hottest fans have been forced to surrender at the Battle of Gangnam Central Apartments on the grounds that their only surviving fan is a total sasaeng fan.”

The Girl Who Lived bellows and jumps to the car roof with a thump, making Minseok wince. Maybe for a better vantage point to look for 2PM from? Kyungsoo wonders, squirming his way out of the mess of seat belts.

“I mean, she might not be a sasaeng,” he says. “She’s just... really excited about telling Taecyeon her opinion on his hair.”

“She’s sent him approximately fourteen million messages in the last hour,” Jongin says. “She single-handedly caused Kakaotalk’s servers to crash.”

Kyungsoo winces. “Fine, she’s a sasaeng.”

“DID YOU SEE MY HAIR?” The Girl Who Lived stomps on the roof for emphasis, and Yixing narrowly avoids getting brained by the impact. “OPPA, I GOT IT CUT IN THE SAME STYLE AS YOURS!”

“Oh, oh, hot off the press!” Jongin exclaims. “In an exclusive interview with Taecyeon in which they hid under his bed and secretly recorded his conversations, Dispatch confirmed that he’s had a restraining order against the Girl Who Lived since three years ago. Apparently his manager caught her sneaking into his room at night to condition his hair. Her defense was that male pattern baldness runs in Taecyeon’s family, and she was just being a devoted fan.”

“Dispatch?” Junmyeon exclaims in disgust. “What are they still doing around?”

“I heard they were all hiding in an underground bunker, waiting for an unsuspecting idol to fall into a bear trap with his secret girlfriend when the apocalypse hit,” Sehun says, craning his neck to watch the Girl Who Lived reenact a shampoo ad Taecyeon had starred in. “Wow, Minseok hyung, she’s going to kill you when she finds out who her precious oppa’s luscious locks into a vacuum cleaner.”

Minseok scoffs. “I can take her. I just online ordered a new industrial strength vacuum. Run time of three hours with an anti-allergen attachment. Absolutely state-of-the-art, I’m telling you. It’s even got an LED screen -“

“Right,” Kyungsoo interrupts before Minseok’s eyes can get any more frenzied, “any chance you can drop me off at BIGBANG’s place before this industrial strength vacuum -“

“With over 7000 five-star reviews on Amazon,” Minseok adds helpfully. “And an endorsement from Good Housekeeping.”

Kyungsoo pinches his temples and sighs. “OK. Will you drop me off before this incredibly well-rated and p