A new year. A new beginning, they said. Unbeknownst to them, it held too much truth for her. It was unfair how the useless words they uttered in a of mindlessness aptly described her life. Her mind protested at her spiralling thought. They might have known about losses and grappling to stay afloat for a new beginning more than she did.

The car rolled gently into the parking area. It was Monday and it was early. Class would not start until an hour and a half later. She drummed her fingers softly against the steering wheel as her eyes scanned for an available lot nearest to her school building.

The quiet stirred disquiet in her. It reminded her of that time she had sent her father to his workplace on an errand. It had been a mere day after the figurative guillotine had fallen upon him. Cancer. ‘Last stage’ they had said. Funnily, it had felt like the blade was on her neck too. It had been a Monday morning like today when she had dropped him off at the carpark.

“Do you want me to follow you up?” She remembered offering. It did not feel right to let him go.

"No. I'll just meet some people; pass some things, collect some and I'll be done. Just wait here,” he told her and had not waited for a reply.

He slammed the door, and the car shook behind him. Her eyes had trailed after him. She remembered wanting to run after him, no matter his words, but she knew that her dad would not appreciate the disregard even if he would have appreciated the company. So, she had stayed even if her heart had protested in vengeance.

Then, she remembered how she could not have fought off the dogged restlessness from suffocating her. She had tried and God knew how much she had tried but by the twentieth minute, she had lost the battle. She should not have but she had released the footbrake anyways. And soon she was speeding down the empty road.

There had been no destination. The place had been a stranger to her. She took comfort in their strangeness because while her world was falling apart, it was good to know that people in general never had a place in the world.

The comfort had not lasted long. It was barely five minutes with her self-indulged reprieve when her phone began to ring. She stole a glance at the lighted screen. It was her dad.

Apprehension flooded her. ‘She should have listened to him. She should have stayed.’

She fought against the want to let it ring to a stop and instead swiftly picked the call up before she let the thought seize her, "I'm coming," she said quickly before he could utter a word.  

"Where are you?" He asked.

"I will be there in 5 minutes...sorry dad."

He mumbled a reply. She had not caught his words. He hung up yet the silence this time barely registered because she let the worries of the moment speak louder in her head. ‘U-turn at the next junction. Then, turn right because she had turned left before. Press on it. Speed up. It’s already 10 03. Make it back in less than five minutes.’

As she rounded the corner, she let her gaze linger on the digital clock on the dashboard. The numbers blinked disinterestedly. 10 09. She had not made it back in five minutes. That fact unsettled her. She was late. And nothing was going her way. Everything was falling apart, and she did not know where to start fixing.

The sight of her father had quietened the ruckus in her head. ‘Had he always been this small?’

She remembered how the thought had barged in uninvited that it shook her. He had only ever been a father, strong and big. He could have fought the entirety of the world single-handedly to protect her. Yet, his jacket was two sizes too big on him. The large backpack he carried on his shoulders seemed to swallow his presence. The sickness was eating him.  He stood there unmoving in the vast space of the parking lot; his attention fixed on his mobile device. That man seemed as if he was drowning in the midst of his own existence.

Her heart tripped. She heard it then: the beats of the battle drum that roared until her heart quivered with it. This was real. The war was on the horizon. Come dawn, she would have to fight even if she were afraid of death.

"Where were you?" He had said as soon as he entered the confines of the car. It comforted her vastly: his anger. He did not seem so small or so sad anymore with the proximity.

"I was just rounding the area. You were taking too long."

Dahyun tried to remember how she felt then. It seemed like an eternity ago. Had she been sad? Had she been confused? She had not pondered about her feelings back then but now that he was gone…

With swiftness of her fingers, she switched off the idling engine. With the same harshness, she bludgeoned the useless thoughts silent. It did not matter anymore. The wind had borne down hard on them, and her father had been borne away with it. But the storm of winter was giving away and the snow had settled. Although all she could see now was the endless white terrain, she knew with an aching clarity that she had survived the worst. She had grieved. She had endured. She had lived. The silence was a lament for her. No, not for what she had lost but for that she would be lost to this place because she was walking away from this land and never setting foot on it again. They could call and cry out for her and miss her, but she would never look back.

Because Winter did not own her, she might have forgotten it, but she was a child of Summer. It was time to come home. She heard the words from the rustle of the wind. Strong, clear and real.

“Kim Dahyun!”

The window next to her thudded loudly. Dahyun turned, momentarily dazed.

“Eunbi?” The face registered. The girl wriggled her index fingers dreadfully excessive in a come-hither gesture at Dahyun.

Dahyun gathered her bag and as soon as she opened the door, the girl teased, “Done daydreaming about prince charming?”

“I wish! You're always ruining things for me,” Dahyun told her.

“Forget about him. You have me.”

“My love! My moon! My star! You're right; you're all that I need, Eunbi.” Dahyun hugged the girl tight.

“Call me by that name again and I swear you’ll lose a friend.”

“But you’re my only friend. What’ll I do without you?” Dahyun said.

“Good. Now you got no choice but to listen to me.”

“I swear it’s so hard to make you happy,” Dahyun grumbled.

“I won’t deny it so where’s my apology?”

“Sorry. I must have mistaken you for an old friend and couldn’t recognise that you’re Sinbi,” Dahyun gave her friend a teasing smile.

“I have gone to lengths to make it impossible for anyone to mix me up with someone else again, and of course, the first thing you do is not help,” She pouted prettily. An act to stir guilt. Unfortunately for her, it was not working on Dahyun.

“Your acting has gone from bad to worse. Just what have you been doing?” Dahyun said, laughing.

“Forget me; what have you been up to? You’re so hard to get through! Forget social media, you barely replied to my texts. How are you? Really.”

The complaint was rightfully earned. Dahyun had let the current of her worries sweep her in their ferocity; had let them drag her away from having to deal with people. The question was exactly the kind she had been avoiding. Uncomfortable, Dahyun shifted lightly on the balls of her feet. What could she say? How much truth should she relinquish? Funny how she felt guilty now.

But it was easier to dodge them.

“You know I was busy catching up on sleep. Even you can’t bring me out of hibernation,” She laughed dismissively.

It was the truth.

“What was I expecting?” Sinbi scoffed.

“That I love you more than sleep?”

“Now, we both know that’s a lie: of course, you love me more than sleep. Especially when it matters.”

It occurred to Dahyun that this was the second time her friend had alluded to the incident from last year, “Does that bother you still?” Dahyun carefully started, “If it does...then don’t. No one even remembers and trust me, it’s not even that embarrassing—”

It should not have come as a surprise when Sinbi broke into an abrupt run towards the tremendous old building of bricks and history. Desperate and childish. Her laughter rang, studious and merry in Dahyun’s ears.

“Why are you so serious? Lunch will be on the last one there!” Sinbi shouted, already yards away from her.

“That’s not fair! You started without me!”

“Don’t be a sore loser, Dahyun!”

As Dahyun raced across the courtyard, zig-zagging the throes of students with the wind furious against her cheeks, it suddenly occurred to her how beautiful the school was. Her school.

And her life too, maybe.

She slowed to a stop, overwhelmed by her sudden wakefulness. As if all this while she had been doused with sleep. The barrage of senses hit her. The colours, the sounds, the scents, the sweetness, the warmth.

One year. She had let one year pass like trickling water. She had this, she realised. Foolish friends and useless conversations. Stressful semesters and comforting camaraderie. This was enough. This should be enough.

She could be happy again. Could want things again. Could have dreams again. She did not have any now. But she must have one before. What were her dreams then?

It did occur to her that while her friend was running past the pain and chaos of the last year, she was desperate to go back to a time before that.

Nonetheless, it should not matter which direction she was going in. Forward or backwards. There was no right way to move on. She was just trying her best to keep on moving. They all were.