17 :  h o p e

Seconds bled into minutes, minutes bled into hours, then days, weeks, etcetera. Life seemed to have come to a standstill for Donghae, and everyone knew that but him. Everyone knew how Donghae had morphed into this unfeeling ghost of his former self, sitting hunched over Hyukjae’s bedside by day, and lying awake, eyes planted on the ceiling at night. Sometimes, he’d get shoved out of the room by Sora whenever she came to see her brother on weekday afternoons, and barely put up a fight. He simply couldn’t muster neither the courage nor energy to, and anyway, he’d begun to accept that maybe, maybe it was his fault Hyukjae had been in a coma for nearly two months. The guilt ate away at his conscience like termites feasting on wood. He barely ate, slept or showered, even. All he did for most of his hours, was to sit wherever, staring at whatever with hollowed eyes and a hollowed soul,

“Hae,” Kyuhyun called as he entered the room, but Donghae didn’t turn. He continued to stare at his fiancé’s rigid body, paying little attention to the hand that had gently settled on his shoulder.

“Hae,” Kyuhyun said again, squeezing Donghae’s shoulder. “C’mon, you need to eat. You can’t survive on just a biscuit a day. Let’s go to the cafeteria. I’ll buy you something.”

Donghae shook his head. “No.”

“But Hae—”

“I said no!” Donghae stood up, pushing his best friend’s hand off his shoulder, glaring. “Don’t you understand what ‘no’ means?”

For the first time in weeks, Kyuhyun finally got a proper look at his best friend; Donghae’s handsome features had faded, worn down by depression—Kyuhyun could see it clearly now. His face had mostly sunken in, save for the cheekbones that jutted out like unsharpened spears, and his eyes were sad and swollen, nestled in circles of dark, greyed skin. He was thin, so extremely thin, and it worried Kyuhyun to no end that Donghae might collapse soon.

“Eat something, Donghae,” Kyuhyun begged. “Please.”

Donghae hung his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Just...no appetite.”

Kyuhyun sighed. “You’ve been saying that every single day for the last two months, Hae. At this point, you’ll blackout soon. Didn’t you tell me Hyukjae told you to take better care of yourself? Do you want Hyukjae to see you like this?”

Donghae lifted his head, his eyes glistening. “No.”

“Then let’s go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Donghae.”

“I just don’t want anything to happen to him while I’m gone, okay?” Donghae trembled. “I don’t want anything to happen to him!”

Kyuhyun froze, staring at the ghost of his best friend. He bit his lip, nodding eventually. He recalled what had happened during the last few weeks; he’d convinced Donghae to leave Hyukjae’s bedside for a meal several times, only for them to rush back in after receiving a call from the ICU ward’s frontdesk about Hyukjae being in critical condition, flatlining and what not. The more the false alarms, the faster the days passed, the slimmer the chances of Hyukjae surviving, and the more anxious Donghae had become of ever leaving his side. He would rather die than to not be by Hyukjae’s side, that Kyuhyun knew.

“Fine. I won’t force you to come with me, but I’m coming back here with food for you, and when I do, I want you to eat, you hear me?” Kyuhyun bargained. He got a deafening silence in response, and decided to take it as a yes from Donghae, turning on his heel to head to the cafeteria. Once Kyuhyun had left, Donghae sat back down, intertwining his fingers with Hyukjae’s.

“I’m sorry for not taking care of myself well, Hyuk,” he apologised. “I just can’t seem to bring myself to. Not when you’re like this. Not when it’s all my fault.”

It’s not your fault! How could you say that? I’m so mad you’d think that way, Donghae imagined Hyukjae saying. It’s fate! Fate hates us! Fate doesn’t want us to be together! Donghae rubbed the back of Hyukjae’s hand with his thumb, swallowing.

“It is my fault, y’know?” He whispered, cracking a small, sad smile. “I’ve been thinking so much it drives me crazy. I keep thinking how… if I never sat next to you in class all those years ago, we’d never have gotten to know each other. We’d never have fallen in love. You wouldn’t have sent me letters from abroad, and you’d never have worried about me disappearing, or getting into a car accident. My memory loss wouldn’t have affected you, and you wouldn’t have spent forever searching for me. Finding me was your worst downfall. Letting you find me was mine.”

So you’re saying you regret all of this? Hyukjae continued to ask. You’re saying you’d rather not have fallen in love with me, or let me back into your life? Is that what you’re saying?

“No,” Donghae answered. “I don’t regret anything. I just… why is this happening to us? To me? To you? What did we do wrong? Why are we being punished like this?”

He blinked back tears and took a deep breath. We didn’t do anything wrong, Hae. We didn’t. All we did was fall in love. There’s nothing wrong with that. What matters is we’re still together. We can’t control everything that happens, but at least we’re going through this together, right Hae? Perhaps Donghae was on the verge of losing it, but he thought he heard Hyukjae laugh. I love you, Lee Donghae. We’ll make it through this, I promise. We’ll make it through this, leave this place and run away.

Donghae could hear the sound of footsteps inching towards the room. He straightened his back, preparing himself for Kyuhyun and his endless please eats and Hyukjae wouldn’t want to see you this ways, but when the glass doors parted, it wasn’t Kyuhyun that he’d seen. A couple, both seeming to be in their early 60s, walked into the room, arm in arm. Donghae stared at them; the white-haired man wasn’t that much taller than he was and was dressed in a business suit, blazer, tie and all, and the woman, presumably the man’s wife, sported short, jet-black hair, glasses and a menacing look on her face. She was dressed in luxurious brands from head to toe, and Donghae seemed to notice how her features resembled a certain someone he knew and loved. He held his breath.

“So you must be Lee Donghae,” the man, who went by the name Kangheon, said suddenly, his voice harsh, threatening even.

Donghae stood up, hesitating at first, then bowing. “Hello, si-abeoji, si-eomoni.” He watched as the woman, Deokboon, stepped forward slowly, pursing her lips before—

“Don’t you dare call us that!” She screamed as her hand cracked across Donghae’s cheek.

Holding his throbbing cheek, Donghae stared at the ground, avoiding eye contact. He stood still with a bated breath as Deokboon circled him, and he thought to himself that if she were a snake, she’d have coiled around him and strangled him, before swallowing him whole.

“You’re bad luck,” she started, the tone of her voice puncturing Donghae in the heart, “and we’re disgusted even hearing you call us your father and mother-in-law, so don’t you dare. Our son is in this state because of you!”

Just then, Deokboon grabbed Donghae by the jaw, an action that, to Donghae, felt all too familiar. “Is it not enough that your parents are dead? Do you not feel guilty you’re the only one who made it out alive?”

Donghae gulped.

“Even now. Our son is on the verge of death because of you, and you dare call us your in-laws? Do you really think we’ll accept a murderer as our son-in-law? Everywhere you go, someone dies because of you! Our poor Hyukjae might die because of you!”

Donghae’s mind was in turmoil. His head hurt. Murderer? His conscience echoed. How can you call me a murderer? How can you, of all people, call me that after what happened to my family?! His breathing got heavier, and his hands, resting by his sides, balled into fists. With each passing second, his fists felt lighter, and his mind got louder. He kept mum.

“Let’s make it simple, Lee Donghae,” Kangheon proposed, pulling his wife behind him. “We’ll let you walk free if you leave our son and never speak of him, or of any of this, ever again. It’s that easy. Walk out the door right now, and we’ll never bother you, as long as you never bother us ever again. Don’t find him, don’t talk to him, heck—if he dies, don’t even try to come to the funeral, or visit his grave unless you want the whole Lee family to spit on you. I’m serious.”

Shaking his head defiantly, Donghae remained firm, his voice low. “I’m not leaving.” His phone began to ring, and Donghae pulled it out of his pocket swiftly and pressed a button, silencing it.

“I’m not leaving,” he repeated. “Not at least until you answer my question.”

Kangheon stepped forward, hiding his hands in his pockets. “And what might that be?”

“Why,” Donghae paused, swallowing, “did you tell Sora to kill me?”

Taken aback, Kangheon made an odd, choked noise. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sora confessed to it,” Donghae lied, unshaking. “She said you told her to kill me.”

Rubbing his chin, Kangheon smirked, folding his arms. “Did she?”

“Yes.”

“What else? What else did she tell you?”

“She told me you fled the country so no one would find out you killed my parents,” Donghae added. “She told me Hyukjae knew nothing about this, that all you said was that she had to kill me if I found out. Why?”

Kangheon laughed. “Why? Lee Donghae, we’re millionaires! Owners of a multi-million dollar business. We can’t afford to have blood on our hands. If anyone finds out, everything we worked so hard for will be snatched from right under our noses!”

He moved closer, sizing Donghae up. “You’d be crazy if you thought we wouldn’t come for you after Hyukjae confronted Sora about this. Should’ve kept your mouth shut, Lee Donghae.”

“Kept my mouth shut?” Donghae repeated in disbelief. “How do you expect me to keep my mouth shut after finding out who killed my parents?! Are you out of your ing mind?!”

“Are you forgetting your fiancé is lying right behind you because you couldn’t zip it?”

“Not my fault his family is a bunch of murderers!”

“Well it’s not our fault you didn’t walk away when Sora warned you to. You could’ve prevented this. Pretended nothing happened. But you didn’t. And now Hyukjae is on what could possibly be his deathbed, because of you.”

That was it. That was the last straw. Donghae raised his fist, gathering every last drop of courage he could still find in him, pulled his arm back, and then…

His head hit the floor. He out.

When he woke up hours later, Kangheon and Deokboon were gone. He groaned, opening his eyes. The first thing he saw was the pastel pink ceiling of the hospital, followed by Kyuhyun’s worried face. He felt something cold against the side of his head, and only then did he realise he was lying on Kyuhyun’s lap in the waiting area with his best friend holding an ice pack against him.

“Not bad, Lee Donghae,” Kyuhyun said, impressed. “Smart of you to have picked up the call in the middle of confrontation.”

Donghae rubbed his temples. “It was so ed up, Kyu.”

“I know,” Kyuhyun told him. “And like the genius I am, I got everything taped. The lawyer will love this one.”

Sitting up, Donghae turned to his friend, frowning. “What lawyer?” He watched as Kyuhyun reached for his wallet, pulling out a white name card from one of its slots. Kyuhyun grinned.

“While you were busy moping around, I hired us a lawyer.” He handed the name card to Donghae. “Park Jungsu. Best attorney in town.”

“What do we need a lawyer for?”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “To send these monsters straight to jail, of course! Can’t let them walk away scott-free after what they did to you and your family now, can we? And to their own son.” To Kyuhyun’s surprise, Donghae didn’t look amused.

“I don’t know if Hyukjae would be okay with that,” he said softly, looking down. Kyuhyun stared at him; on one hand, he wanted to smack his best friend in the head for being an absolute idiot, but on the other hand, he understood—this was his fiancé’s family. He snapped out of his thoughts when Donghae spoke again.

“I mean, what if Hyukjae does wake up and hates me?” Donghae wondered aloud. “What if he finds out he nearly got killed because of me, and that his family is in jail because of me? He’d hate my guts. I just know it.”

Shaking his friend’s shoulders, Kyuhyun frowned, offended. “You’re talking crazy, Hae. He won’t hate you. What makes you think he’d hate you?! He literally cut ties with his own sister after finding out she kept their parents misdeed from him. He’s whipped.”

“I’m serious, Kyu.” Donghae looked up.

Kyuhyun was having none of it, though.

“You know what you need?” Kyuhyun chirped. “Food! You need food. Your body is lacking energy and it’s making you talk straight out your . I got you jjajangmyeon, and the best tteokbokki I could find nearby. Eat up, soldier.”

“Do you really think I could ea—”

Kyuhyun covered his mouth. “Eat. Up. Soldier.” He placed a plastic bag on the table, unearthing two containers from it. He opened its lids and handed a pair of disposable chopsticks to Donghae, and for the first time in months, Kyuhyun saw a soft smile crack Donghae’s lips.

“Thank you,” Donghae whispered.

“You’re welcome, Hae. Now eat. I’ll tell you about this Park Jungsu guy while you eat.”

As Donghae worked at emptying out the containers of food Kyuhyun had gotten him, eating like a person who’d been starved for years, he listened to his best friend tell him about what he’d been up to in the last few weeks.

“I’ve only met Mr Park once,” Kyuhyun stated matter-of-factly, “but I can tell that he’s really professional and knows his . Maybe it’s the way he speaks, I don’t know. I found out about him after searching up a few legal cases involving intimidation, and emotional distress claims. He’s won every single case he’s been hired for.”

Donghae slurped up some gochujang soup, his stained lips. “Amazing.”

“Yeah, and that’s not all,” Kyuhyun added. “He asked me for the names of all parties involved, and when I told him your parents’ names, he managed to make some sort of connection between them, and Hyukjae’s parents.”

Donghae froze. “What? What’s the connection?”

“Uh…” Kyuhyun stalled, looking around awkwardly. “I… This is going to be a bit… Shocking. Brace yourself.” Kyuhyun held his breath and seemed to wait for Donghae’s cue to proceed.

Donghae nodded.

“Well,” Kyuhyun slid his hand across the table, touching Donghae’s arm gingerly. “It’s kinda complicated, but your father, and Hyukjae’s father…..are half-brothers.”

“Huh? Can you repeat yourself? I don’t think I like what I’m hearing.”

“They’re half-brothers,” Kyuhyun repeated gently. “Your grandfather had two wives; one was his legal wife—Hyukjae’s grandmother—and the other, an unmarried lady he met in Mokpo. Your father was born out of wedlock. Maybe that’s why you both have the same surnames. And maybe that’s why you grew up without relatives—they exiled your father after your grandfather’s passing, at least according to reports. All of this happened before you were born, though.”

Donghae’s heart sank to his shoes. “That makes Hyukjae…”

“Your cousin, yes, kind of,” Kyuhyun nodded. He watched as Donghae set his chopsticks down, shoulders sinking.

“Does this mean Hyukjae and I…” Donghae’s voice trailed off, small and afraid. “Does that mean we can never get married?”

Kyuhyun raised his brows. “Dude. That shouldn’t even be a priority right now. Don’t you wonder why your father got exiled and if it has any relation to your family’s accident?”

“I mean...yeah….I guess…” Donghae clenched his jaw, massaging his left temple with a finger. “I just… It’s a lot to take in, Kyu.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s so complicated.”

“It is.”

“How messed up. They exiled their own half-brother. Then they may have intentionally plotted to kill him. And now my uncle wants me dead, too. All this… why? To protect their inheritance?”

Kyuhyun shrugged. “Maybe. They did inherit their businesses from your grandfather, afterall.”

“A grandfather I’ve never even met.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And all this while I thought I just simply had no relatives, that my parents were both orphans like my dad had always told me.”

Pressing his lips into a thin line, Kyuhyun frowned. “Partially true. Your mother was an orphan. My parents told me.”

Donghae sighed. “And you didn’t think that was something you needed to let me know?”

“Eomma and appa said they’d tell you themselves,” Kyuhyun explained. “I guess they forgot. So much has happened.”

Just then, a nurse hurried into the waiting area, tiptoeing in search of someone. She walked forward, catching sight of Donghae and Kyuhyun, hurrying towards their table.

“Are you Lee Hyukjae’s family?” She asked.

Donghae and Kyuhyun looked at each other. “Yes.”

“Come with me.”

Reentering the ICU bay, the trio hurried towards Room 10. Donghae was riddled with fear, and Kyuhyun, walking just as quickly by his side, grabbed his arm, squeezing it for encouragement. The glass doors split open. Donghae’s jaw dropped, gaping.

“Hyukjae-ssi,” the nurse called out softly, touching Hyukjae’s arm. “Your fiancé is here.”

The nursed backed away as Donghae stepped forward, dropping to his knees by Hyukjae’s bedside. He touched Hyukjae’s arm gently, choking on the words that he ever so badly wanted to say.

“H-hyuk,” Donghae whispered, staring straight at Hyukjae’s semi-opened eyes. “Hyuk, it’s me. It’s Donghae. You’re awake. I can’t believe you’re awake.”

Hyukjae groaned in excruciating pain, but barely moving.

He’s in a lot of pain, Donghae thought. I’m so sorry, Hyukjae. This is all my fault.

“The doctor will be coming in at six to examine him,” the nurse informed them. “Will you be calling the rest of the family to inform them that he is conscious?”

It doesn’t even take half a beat for Donghae to reply. “No. Please call them on Hyukjae’s behalf.” The nurse nodded swiftly and left the room, telling them to let her know if they needed anything.

“Hey, brat,” Kyuhyun smiled. “Good to know you’re up.”

“K-kyu…” Hyukjae managed, his voice hoarse. Whose voice wouldn’t be after spending two months out cold on a stiff hospital bed?

Hyukjae tried to sit up, but Kyuhyun and Donghae stopped him immediately, making sure he lay still. Afterall, he did get the brunt of the impact during the accident, and while it was a miracle he didn’t entirely lose the functions of his spine, they had to be careful.

“Kyu….hyun….” Hyukjae called out again. Kyuhyun bent down to meet his eye level.

“Who is he?”

Kyuhyun turned around, glancing at Donghae. Donghae was horrified.

“Him?” Kyuhyun asked, pointing at Donghae. “He’s your fiancé, Lee Donghae. Don’t you remember him?”

There was a brief silence.

“No,” Hyukjae answered.

Donghae’s heart had been broken many, many times before. The first time it broke was when his parents denied him the chance of owning some lime green bicycle that his five-year-old self had laid his eyes on, saying that they couldn’t afford it. He’d had his heart broken on several other occasions too, including upon finding out that he was the sole survivor of his family’s mishap. This, however, hurt him in a different way. He knew that it was beyond Hyukjae’s control, and that it would be selfish of him to be angry Hyukjae barely remembered him. He couldn’t however, ignore how that who is he that came from his fiancé’s lips stabbed him like a dagger to his chest, or how his no felt like the same dagger had been pulled downwards, ripping and rupturing his insides. He was so shocked, his mind seemed to have stopped functioning, and even though he felt like crying, he just couldn’t.

“You’re probably just disoriented,” Kyuhyun reasoned. “You’ll remember him soon enough.”

Kyuhyun’s words hung in the air, held up with hope and uncertainty, and Donghae couldn’t help but to wonder what would happen if Hyukjae never did.

“Kyuhyun….” Hyukjae murmured again. “I…”

Swallowing, Kyuhyun turned again, worried his best friend would break down.

“Hae,” he cooed. “Hae, it’s okay—he’s just confused, that’s all. Could you wait for me outside? Let me talk to him for a while.”

Donghae hesitated, running his fingers through his hair, pulling at it. He wanted to scream. He really, really wanted to scream, but he didn’t. Instead he found himself nodding at Kyuhyun, turning around to exit the room. The tears that threatened to fall, finally spilled over with every footstep he took towards the waiting area.

He can’t remember me, Donghae emphasised in his mind. He can’t remember me. This is all my fault. Everything is my fault. I’m to blame. He returned to the table he’d previously occupied with Kyuhyun, taking off his jacket. He dumped it onto the table and dropped his head, biting into the fabric to suppress a scream. I can’t do this anymore.