12 :  t h e  f i r e  w i t h i n

Business was as usual in the dingy neighbourhood pub in central Busan. Dim yellow ceiling lights gave life to the pub's dull, maroon walls, lined with framed monochromatic pictures of famous local singers from the '90s and several abstract paintings. Aside from the cacophony of high and low, happy, angry and sad voices coming from the pub's patrons, a melodious female voice, accompanied by a live band filled the air, matching the bar's laid-back ambiance. The strong scent of burnt cigarettes and alcohol wafted within the four walls of the pub, and at the back of the pub stood an old, broken jukebox; it was faulty for sure, but just the look of it added to the pub's vintage appearance. At the corner of the room, perched on a tall wooden stool was Donghae, in a black t-shirt, brown leather jacket and tight, black jeans. He'd made the effort to style his dark brown hair up with a bit of wax, and basically doused himself in cologne for the night. Donghae rarely ever made the effort to look good, but tonight was different; tonight was special. He took a sip of gin and tonic, keeping his eyes fixated on the entrance of the pub. A young woman and her lover walked in, followed by two old men and then a few others. No sign of Hyukjae. Donghae looked at his watch; roughly twenty minutes had passed since nine, and he was getting a little impatient, or rather, worried. It was Hyukjae, after all, that had decided on meeting at nine.

Just then, a familiar figure; his auburn hair styled up in a faux mohawk, donning a black muscle tank with light blue jeans ripped in all the right places and black boots; walked into the bar with a huge smile plastered across his pale face. Donghae's breathing hitched; biting his lip from behind the glass that he held in front of his face, his eyes followed the man, yearning. What a treat for the eyes, he thought to himself, swallowing. The man climbed onto a stool opposite him, raising his brows.

"Where's Kyuhyun?" Hyukjae asked, looking around. Donghae froze. He nearly forgot he'd announced that he wanted both of them at the pub drinking with him earlier that day, but that the plan had changed after Hyukjae had left the house and he'd told Kyuhyun the truth about his memory loss. , Donghae cursed internally, what the do I tell him? He took another sip from his glass and shook his head, playing cool.

"Kyu's not here," Donghae answered simply. "Had to meet his girlfriend or something. Anyway, aren't you going to order a drink?" He nodded towards the bar. Hyukjae followed his gaze, glancing at the bar before turning back to Donghae, shaking his head in refusal. He clasped his hands together, resting his chin on them before pursing his chapped lips.

"I can't drink tonight. I drove here. And besides, I'll have to take care of you if you get drunk, don't I?"

Donghae nodded in agreement, smiling. "Right. So you're just going to watch me drink?"

"Yes sir."

"Boring."

Hyukjae snickered, arching a brow. "Oh? Like you're so fun."

"I am and you know it," Donghae snapped, finishing the last of his drink. He slammed his glass down and his lips. "Since you drove here, then let's not spend the night with you watching me drink. I want you to take me somewhere."

The brunet reached into his leather jacket, retrieving a folded, creased piece of paper. Hyukjae watched as he unfolded the frayed yellow thing, revealing a map of Busan. Placing his finger on the middle of the map, Donghae began to trace out a route with his finger; a route that went northward of Busan; and stopped at a spot between Geumjong-gu and Dongnae-gu. He tilted his head, smiling.

"I want to go to Geumgang Park."

Frowning, Hyukjae glanced from the map, to Donghae, and then back.

"Geumgang...Geumgang Park?" He repeated, rubbing his chin. "Why do you want to go there at this time of the night?"

"I'll tell you why when we're there."

"But it'll take hours. We might only reach the park at midnight!"

Donghae pouted, sliding his hand across the table. He touched Hyukjae's cold hand, wrapping his fingers around the man's.

"Please?" He begged, a puppy-eyed look conquering his otherwise gentle expression. "It's the least you can do for making me wait about half an hour all alone here."

The pace of Hyukjae's beating heart doubled at the brunet's touch. He was almost certain the tip of his ears and the flesh on his cheeks had turned pink from shyness, but that wasn't enough to make him pull his hand away at all. In fact, he enjoyed it. He longed for it, even. Apart from that one night of intimacy only made possible by Donghae's drunken stupor and occasional brushes of skin against each other, Hyukjae was deprived of touch from the one person he had loved and searched for all these years. Even if the man didn't remember him at all, Hyukjae didn't mind. His heart softened. How could he deny the owner of the glistening eyes that stared back at him his request? He'd drive him to the park for whatever reason, even if it took them years to get there. Maybe then he'd be able to make up for lost time. It did, however, puzzle him that Donghae had requested to go to that park of all places. After all, that was where they'd last kissed, not that Donghae would remember of course.

"Alright," Hyukjae relented, smiling softly, "but we'll have to get going right now. Plus, there's no guarantee we'll be able to reach before midnight."

"Okay."

Getting off their stools, the pair made their way towards the exit, out onto the quiet streets of Busan. Hyukjae instinctively grabbed the brunet by the hand and led him down the pavement, turning right at a corner, leading them towards a large, black eight-seater car parked in a dark alleyway. He whipped out his car key and pressed a button, triggering its doors to unlock. Hyukjae opened the passenger door, waiting for Donghae to get in. Then he walked around the car, getting into the car from the driver's side. The engine made a low humming noise upon having its ignition . Hyukjae looked over his shoulder, backing the car out of the alleyway carefully as he coordinated calculated movements of his hands and feet, taking control of the four-wheeled machine. Meanwhile, Donghae fumbled with the numerous buttons and knobs on a keypad to the left of the steering wheel, turning on the air-conditioning and radio at once.

"So," Hyukjae began, driving the car onto the main road. "Care to explain your sudden decision to head to Dongnae-gu at nearly ten at night?"

Donghae continued to fumble with the buttons until the noise emitted from the speakers began to clear up. The sound of a soft rock ballad began to fill the car. Donghae leaned back, smiling in satisfaction.

"I don't really have much of an explanation to offer, really," he answered, looking out the window. "It's been years since I went to that park, and I just felt like going there tonight—with you."

The car picked up pace, dashing past several streetlamps on the relatively quiet road of Busan. Donghae panicked, absentmindedly placing his hand on Hyukjae's lap as he held his breath. Perhaps my fear of being on a moving car will never cease to exist, he thought. The car slowed to a halt some fifteen minutes later at the sight of an overhead traffic light that transitioned from amber to red. Hyukjae looked down at the hand that now dug into the fabric and flesh of his thigh. Donghae retracted his hand from Hyukjae's lap, sheepish.

"Sorry," he apologised, staring ahead.

Hyukjae smirked. "Don't say sorry. If anything, it should be me apologising for startling you like that. I just wanted to get us to Dongnae-gu as soon as possible. My bad." He cranked a knob, increasing the radio's volume. A gentle ballad filled the otherwise quiet air, and Hyukjae began humming along to the tune of it. For some reason, the man's humming sent chills down the back of Donghae's spine. He pressed his lips together, making a mental note not to show any sort of emotion in case Hyukjae would realise...that he remembered. Everything.

"You used to love this song," Hyukjae remarked, glancing at Donghae with a faint smile painted across his lips. "You'd get so excited when it played at the places we used to visit, or if it came on the radio, like right now. You used to call it our song."

Donghae shifted in his seat, blinking his eyes profusely. He made sure to calm himself before speaking.

"I-is that so," he stammered. "Where were the places we used to visit then?"

Upon firing the question; a question he already kind of knew the answers to; he watched Hyukjae's reaction. Hyukjae moved uncomfortably in his seat, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. After a few seconds of silence, he turned to look at Donghae, offering the same faint smile he had given him only moments ago.

"There were so many places, Donghae." He stepped on the gas pedal as soon as the traffic light switched to green, causing the both of them to slump against the backrests of their seats. "Geumgang Park was one of them, actually. It surprised me when you said you wanted to go there. I thought you... I thought you—"

"—remembered?" Donghae interjected.

Hyukjae nodded slowly at first, and then brief and quick. "Yeah."

"You really want me to remember something; anything; don't you?"

Once more, Hyukjae nodded, hoping that it would somehow translate his desperation and hope into something more. He kept his eyes on the road, turning the steering wheel following the bend of the road ahead of them. They were almost half of the way to Dongnae-gu by then, which was much quicker than either of them had expected. Thank god the roads weren't as busy that night, then. Donghae interlaced his fingers, rubbing his thumbs against the back of his hands. A burning question kept flashing in his head like a neon sign. He contemplated asking it, and when the silence between them became too much for him, the question popped out of him like a Jack In The Box.

"What would you do if I said I remembered everything?" He blurted out, regretting each word as soon as it had left his mouth and mind. Donghae fidgeted, anxious and worried about what Hyukjae might say in response. He kept his head down, only taking a peek at the man from the corner of his eye and nothing more. Hyukjae, who was as composed as ever—of course he had to be, he was driving—smiled to himself. The lights were too dim, but Donghae could sort of tell that the man was blushing. Or at least he had a hunch he was.

"Well I'd be insanely happy," Hyukjae stated simply, grinning till his gums showed. "More importantly, I'd make sure you never forget ever again. I've waited too long to find you again."

Bunching the fabric at his chest in a tight fist, Donghae darted his eyes. His heart was racing. Calm down, you idiot. He inhaled deeply, holding his breath for about five seconds before breathing out. He wasn't sure what to say next, but he had to think of something. He didn't want to leave the conversation hanging awkwardly.

And yet "bummer" was all he managed to say. What the actual , Lee Donghae. He faked a yawn, stretching his arms out in front of him. He wanted out. Or at least he wanted to escape the awkward atmosphere that he had caused for a while. He looked at Hyukjae; the man didn't seem to bothered by the conversation. It was either that, or he was incredibly good at suppressing how he really felt. Either way, Donghae wanted out, fast. He shifted in his seat once more, turning to his right with his head tilted.

"Wake me up when we're there," he mumbled, forcing his eyes shut before drifting off.

The engine died, and in place of its low hum was the distant echo of crickets in the grass and the howling of a cold night's wind. Hyukjae turned, nudging Donghae.

"Donghae, wake up," he said gently, shaking the brunet's arm. "We're here."

Groggy Donghae wriggled about uncomfortably, grimacing. He opened his eyes slowly, wiping the drool that had escaped his lips with the back of his hand. He blinked several times, taking in his surroundings. The car was parked at the side of a road atop a mountain, presumably where Geumgang Park was. The atmosphere was quiet aside from the chirping of crickets, and there was nobody on the streets. Of course not, Donghae thought to himself. We're the only idiots who'd come here at—he looked at his watch—the of midnight. Nice. He unbuckled his seat belt and stretched, groaning. Hyukjae got off the car and walked to the front of it, standing with his back facing Donghae and his hands on his hips. Donghae followed suit soon after, alighting from the car. He slammed the door shut and walked several steps forward, inhaling the fresh air with a contented smile on his face. He looked around; to his left was a poorly-lit pavement lined by shrubs that led to small temple at the end of the park, and to his right, was an off-road makeshift walkway that parted some sort of dark forested area. He pondered over whether it would be a good idea to venture off in either direction at this time of the night. Instead, he decided to play it safe, walking to the front of the car where Hyukjae was. He climbed onto hood and sat down, swinging his legs.

"So," he began, breaking the silence. "Tell me what we used to do here."

Hyukjae turned around and his chapped lips, the sound of gravel shifting under his feet punctuating his movement. He slid his hands into his pockets and smiled weakly.

"We used to come here in the afternoon," he started to explain, his voice no louder than the crickets chirping in the distance. "There used to be carnivals held here, so we'd come here to play at the stalls a lot. I remember once winning you a teddy bear at some ring toss game. You loved it. Named the bear Koongie or something." He walked over to Donghae's side, casually leaning against the hood of the car. He turned to look up at the brunet who was staring back at him, doe-eyed.

"How old were we?" Donghae asked innocently, trying to make more sense of the memories that he had only a faint memory of.

Hyukjae shrugged. "Eighteen, I think. We were eighteen and in love and still very much in our honeymoon phase." He chuckled to himself, looking down before continuing.

"The last time we were here was my favourite memory of us."

Upon hearing this, Donghae jut his head to his right, frowning.

"Favourite memory? What happened?"

Hyukjae hesitated. He looked around, visibly uncomfortable judging by how tightly he clenched his jaw. He his lips again and stared into the distance, probably going over what he wanted to say next in his head. He didn't even notice that sly Donghae had scooted closer to him, sitting on the car's hood with his thigh against Hyukjae's bicep. Leaning forward, Donghae stared directly at Hyukjae's face, pursing his lips. He could read the insecurity off the man's body language; his shoulders were slumped, and his eyes, albeit staring intently into the distance ahead of them, were empty. Every ounce of confidence Donghae thought the man normally had had escaped him, leaving behind the frail, diffident shadow of a man behind. Donghae concluded that perhaps, Hyukjae was worried about appearing overly excited about a past that only he remembered—or so he thinks. Donghae wasn't sure if he wanted to keep his secret from Hyukjae any longer, considering how broken the man looked upon being asked about his favourite memory of them. He decided to go with the flow.

"We were nineteen, and it was the last day we managed to spend together before I left the country." Hyukjae's voice was low, almost solemn even. "There was no carnival that day, and we'd arrived here at nearly eight at night. There was no one here—kinda like tonight. It was perfect. Since it was the last night we spent together, there was a lot—I'm not kidding—a lot of hugging and—"

"—kissing?" Donghae interrupted. Blood rushed to his face. Why did I say that, ugh. Just let the man finish his damn sentence, for crying out loud, Lee Donghae.

Hyukjae nodded shyly. "Mmhm." He kicked at the gravel underneath his shoes, biting his lip.

"I was so, so in love with you," he continued saying, hanging his head. "I still am."

Donghae winced. I have to tell him. He dug his fingers into his thighs, anxious. No. Not yet. Let him reveal a little more.

"What else?"

"Well..." Hyukjae lolled his head back, studying the sky for as long as he could to stall time. "To be honest, I'm not sure if finding you after all these years was a good thing."

Silence. If hearts could freeze in the warmth of a live body, then Donghae's would've frozen there and then. He stared at Hyukjae, whose eyes were still fixated on the navy blue sky above them, stars twinkling in the distance. He most definitely hadn't expected to hear that because, after all, wasn't the ball in his court? Didn't Donghae have control of the entire situation, and wasn't it Hyukjae who was under his spell? What was happening?

"What do you mean by that?" Donghae asked, each word coated in urgency. Hyukjae hung his head low, picking at the calluses on the palm of his hand; a habit that came to him whenever he was caught in a situation backed against a wall in the figment of his imagination. The corners of his lips lifted, but not in a happy sort of way. He was smiling, yes, but something about his smile was...sad. Mournful, even. He turned to Donghae, swallowing.

"I think I may have felt better if I didn't go searching for you, y'know? Perhaps I could've just...lived the rest of my life in blissful ignorance, believing that even if the universe hated us, even if we were separated and never to meet again, you still remembered—and loved—me, at least in my memory." Hyukjae shook his head as if to ward off silly, irrational thoughts that came firing at him like missiles. "I'm not gonna lie. Finding out you forgot all about me hurt, even if it isn't your fault. I guess years of holding onto hope made me delusional. I really thought I'd find you and we'd finally get our happy ending. Obviously, I was wrong."

Panic surged through Donghae's veins. No, no, no. He frowned, his heart racing. This isn't what I thought would happen. Do something, Donghae. Do something!

"I thought about it, y'know?" Hyukjae continued, oblivious to Donghae's discomfort. "I have two options. The first is to make you remember. Maybe even start from scratch, even if the possibility of you never falling in love with me remains. It'll be hard, but I thought maybe it'd be worth it." He paused briefly, taking several deep breaths. "The second is to let you go, and move on."

Hyukjae reached into his pocket, retrieving a small ring box. He tightened his grip on the black box, shaking it in his hand as he pursed his lips. His eyes began to glisten with tears.

"I saved up for this ring since I was twenty," he whispered, his voice cracking. "I told myself I'd find you and propose to you."

No.

"But I think it's time I let you go and move on."

God, no.

"I remember!" Donghae blurted out, grabbing Hyukjae's arm frantically. "I ing remember!"

"I'm sorry?"

Donghae jumped off the hood of the car and closed in on Hyukjae, grabbing him by the arms and shaking him slightly. His eyes had grown twice their original size.

"I remember everything, Hyukjae." He blinked profusely, smacking his lips. "I remember you. I remember us. I remember everything."

Stunned, Hyukjae backed away, dropping the ring box and staring at Donghae with unblinking eyes. A soft look washed over his face at first, followed by a look of bitterness and spite.

"Don't say like that just to make me feel better." Hyukjae's voice was low and livid, almost as if he didn't believe any of the words that had left the brunet's mouth, even if he really wanted to. He squeezed past the brunet, walking forward until he was far enough so Donghae couldn't hear him crying. He looked at the sky, warm tears staining his pale cheeks. He hated crying. He absolutely resented it. He rarely ever let anyone see him cry, and now that the tears had begun to fall he wanted no one, not even Donghae, to see him. Staring at the man's back, Donghae approached the man gingerly. He knew Hyukjae was crying; he'd have been able to hear his sobbing from a mile away even if Hyukjae tried his hardest to silence himself. How do I convince him I remember? Donghae wondered to himself as he inched closer. Once he reached Hyukjae, he carefully slid his arms around the man so as not to startle him, embracing him from behind. Hyukjae's body shook from the occasional sob, which only made Donghae hug him tighter.

"Please don't give up on us," he begged, nuzzling Hyukjae's neck gently. "Please."

Hyukjae's breathing hitched and then gradually, all the tension in his muscles frittered away.

"I admit, I remembered nothing of you at first," Donghae resumed, mumbling into Hyukjae's shoulder. "But then you showed up, and you showed me the photos and the house, and since then I've been having...flashbacks. Dreams. They were painful at first. Hurt my head whenever they happened. But I began to make sense of them, and I... I don't know how much I remember, but I remember. I remember you. I remember us."

Turning around, Hyukjae cupped the shorter man's face, sniffling.

"You promise you're not lying," he uttered hoarsely as more of a statement than a question.

"Yes."

"You promise you're not saying all of this just to make me feel better."

"Yes."

Hyukjae darted his eyes to and fro between Donghae's eyes and lips.

"When did you start remembering?"

Surprised at the sudden question, Donghae pulled away, looking down.

"Since you first showed up," he answered quietly. "Near the waterfall."

"So you knew."

"What?"

"You knew everything," Hyukjae murmured, "when you came over, drunk."

Donghae shifted uncomfortably. "No. I don't remember doing that."

"But you knew. You knew and you lied about remembering me, even in front of Kyuhyun." The tone of Hyukjae's voice sat on the fence, between anger and disappointment. "You knew it hurt me and you kept going."

"I didn't want to get your hopes up," Donghae argued, grabbing Hyukjae's wrist. "I wanted to make sure I remembered enough before I'd tell you."

He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open, revealing a photograph that stuck out of one of its pockets. Taking it out, he handed it to Hyukjae before hanging his head once more. Hyukjae raised the photograph to his face, squinting. Within the white borders of the polaroid photograph was a young couple, young Hyukjae and Donghae, standing closely in front of a large stone sign that read Geumgang Park. In the photograph, they were hugging, paying little to no attention to whoever it was behind the camera, their eyes fixated only on each other.

"I found this in my room," Donghae explained, touching Hyukjae's face. "It's the reason why I wanted to come here tonight. Turn it around."

Doing as told, Hyukjae flipped the photograph and on its back were words scrawled in black marker:

We'll meet here again someday, I promise.

Speechless as he was, Hyukjae looked from the photograph, to the delicate features of Donghae's face highlighted by a street lamp, gulping. A web of emotions wrapped around his head and heart, but most importantly, the anger and disappointment that once echoed in his voice had worn away. How could he be upset with the man he'd loved for nearly the last decade over something that wasn't within their control? As cruel as life had been to them, none of this was Donghae's fault. Perhaps he should stop blaming himself for what had happened too.

"Why tonight?" He asked, only a decibel louder than the crickets in the park.

Donghae shrugged.

"Dunno. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer, I guess. I told Kyuhyun about it earlier today. I told him not to come tonight. I—"

A kiss; a long, needy, deep kiss interrupted Donghae's words like a flower blooming in spring, or rain showering a dry dessert. Hyukjae reeled him in, desperation and longing motivating their every move. They tangoed under the moonlight, bodies as one, moving together towards the car. Hyukjae slid a hand behind Donghae's neck and pulled him closer, backing him into the front of the car before lifting the brunet onto the hood of their car, continuing their kiss. Their hands roamed over each other's bodies; perhaps this was the years of separation translating into need, or lust even, but neither of them minded. Hyukjae broke away for a moment, glossing his eyes over Donghae. He leaned forward, his stomach resting on the space in between Donghae's legs, peppering the man's neck with light kisses.

"I've missed you so much," Hyukjae whispered, a rogue tear rolling down his cheek. He wrapped his arms around Donghae, sobbing gently into his shoulder. Donghae kissed the man's forehead, once, twice, five times maybe, smiling.

"Missed you more," he croaked, trying his best not to cry. "It's been lonely."

Hyukjae looked up. "Never again. From now on, you'll never be alone."

"Promise?"

Smiling sincerely, Hyukjae nodded. "Promise."