11 :  s e c r e t

Bent over the kitchen sink, Hyukjae cupped his hands together, collecting and splashing water onto his face repetitively in a weak attempt to freshen up. With his eyes closed, he tried his best to make sense of the scenarios that had just played out in front of him, flashing images of Donghae's panicked being appeared in his mind like a broken projector, over and over, making little to no sense. After several splashes, he paused, breathing in and out deeply, holding onto the stone edges of the sink for leverage. He didn't like how everything had unfolded, but as much as he wanted out, he'd already gotten in way too deep to bail. He exhaled, shaking his head as if to show how sorry he was for his own plight. Maybe it was absurd of him to have believed there was no way Donghae would forget someone like him after all those years. Not that it was Donghae's fault, of course; it's not like Donghae had asked to be involved in an accident that took away his parents and his memory. He couldn't help but to hate it, though. It was overwhelming, even for him, even though he wasn't the one who struggled with memory loss. Hyukjae could only imagine how difficult it was for Donghae. He hung his head, sighing.

"Donghae would hate to see you like this," said a voice quietly from behind him. Hyukjae turned around to face the tall raven-haired man, who had by then stood leaning against the fridge with his arms folded. Kyuhyun adjusted his glasses longer than he needed to, probably to stall time and think of a way to say something reassuring to the anxious redhead. He wiped the lenses of his dark framed glasses with the fabric at the bottom of his sweater before putting them back on, offering only a concoction of complete awkwardness and uncertainty as solace. He took several steps forward, placing a comforting hand on Hyukjae's shoulder.

"Well Donghae doesn't remember me," Hyukjae replied bitterly, "so there's no need to worry about how he sees me."

Pulling away from Kyuhyun's hold, Hyukjae approached the dining table, taking a seat. He clasped his hands together, resting his chin on his interlaced fingers with his shoulders hunched. He couldn't ignore the ache in his chest even if he tried his hardest. He hadn't expected to feel this hurt by Donghae's brutality, even though finding out Donghae had zero recollection of him as a person, let alone as his lover, wasn't exactly anything new at all. In fact, he knew he only had himself to blame for pinning hopes on the brunet. I don't remember anything about him at all, the brunet had said. Those eight words alone pierced past his skin and through his heart like a blunt dagger, rupturing every cell in contact on its way in. All these years, Hyukjae had done everything in his power to mentally prepare himself for the day he'd reunite with the love of his life, but, like Hyukjae had just learnt the hard way, no amount of mental preparation would truly make you ready for something like this. He tutted under his breath, disappointed at how poorly he was handling everything. Kyuhyun approached the dining table gingerly, pulling out a chair opposite the auburn-haired man.

"Do you still want to go ahead with the plan?" Kyuhyun asked, making a mental note to speak in as gentle of a tone as he could manage to the damaged soul. Years of being around his best friend post-accident had taught him the importance of minding the way you spoke around people, even if he wasn't someone who was very empathetic to begin with. Hyukjae glared at him.

"Do you really think I could still go ahead with the plan after what happened?" Hyukjae snapped, burning holes through Kyuhyun. "I don't even know if I want him to remember me at all anymore, really."

"You can't give up!"

"Why not?"

"You j-just..." Kyuhyun swallowed, clenching his fists as he reminded himself to calm down so that he wouldn't stammer. "You just can't. Donghae needs you."

Hyukjae snickered, rolling his eyes back as he did. "Donghae? He doesn't even remember me, Kyuhyun. What the are you even talking abou—"

"Please," the raven-haired man begged, this time the tone of his voice dripping in desperation. "He doesn't have anyone else. He's my best friend, and I love him like a brother. I seriously do. For the last decade my parents and I have been the only ones keeping an eye on the man and treating him like family. No one else reached out to us, or searched for him. I may not know who you were to him back then, but you're obviously an important part of his past, and hopefully present and future, even if he struggles to remember you."

A brief silence cut through the air, giving the pair time to think of what to say next. Hyukjae hung his head low, shaking it.

"I'm very close to giving up," he admitted, dropping his shoulders. He began picking at dry skin from his chapped lips, a habit he'd never been able to rid himself of whenever he felt sorry, anxious, or nervous. For now, he attributed the skin-picking to his racing heart, a physical manifestation of the anxiety that flowed through his veins. Kyuhyun leaned forward.

"Look, I know it was mean of me to ask Donghae if he remembers you the way I did. Poor choice of words on my part, I admit. I'm sorry. But please—please don't give up on him. I can see how much you love him. I never ever say like this but I can't deny how much love I can sense you feeling for him. It's crazy. Donghae has spent nearly the last decade trying to figure out his identity and piece his past together, and even though he never admits it because of his stubborn nature, I just know how lonely he must've been feeling this whole time. I'm worried as everyday that one day the loneliness will consume my best friend entirely, so your appearance is a big ing blessing. Now please, please, stay. Don't give up on Donghae."

The two of them sat in somber silence, allowing a swarm of unanswered questions to fill the air like water entering a sunken ship. They remained in that predicament long enough for the main subject of their conversation to walk into the kitchen, completely unaware of what they'd been discussing. Donghae pulled a chair out, sitting at the dining table with the pair with a quizzical look on his face.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," Donghae shrugged, tapping his fingers on the table to drive away the stillness in the air. "Where's the tea?"

Kyuhyun and Hyukjae exchanged looks.

"Tea?" Kyuhyun repeated, confused. "Oh right, tea!" He sprang up from his seat, grabbing the kettle off the stove to fill it with water from the tap. As he stood with his back to the lovers, he listened in on the quiet conversation happening between them, careful not to make things awkward for any of them. At the table, Donghae watched the auburn-haired man, who had paid little attention to him since his arrival. Hyukjae fidgeted, his eyes fixated on the empty space on the dining table in front of him. His brows were furrowed and his lips gathered in a mild pout, deep in thought. Donghae cleared his throat.

"Are you okay?" He asked, reaching his hand out. He gently touched Hyukjae's hand, causing the redhead to flinch.

Hyukjae looked up at Donghae. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." Donghae swallowed, looking down. For some reason, he looked dejected. He hadn't expected Hyukjae to reply so coldly, especially since he'd mostly been warm to Donghae since they'd first met after all those years. Furthermore, Donghae was trying his best to warm up to him too, so his cold response kind of shot down the little courage he'd mustered to begin with. Donghae pursed his lips together, taking a deep breath. He tried again.

"I...I want to go drinking tonight," he said softly before turning to Kyuhyun. "I want to go to that bar we used to visit often here."

Kyuhyun placed the kettle back onto the stove and turned the knob, lighting a fire. He retrieved more mugs from inside the kitchen cabinet, rinsing them in the sink.

"You mean the one near our high school?" He asked for clarification as he used a dish rag to wipe the mugs dry. Donghae folded his arms, nodding.

"Yes. And I want both of you to come with me. That means you too, Lee Hyukjae."

Surprised at the fact he'd been included in Donghae's little plan, Hyukjae tilted his head, frowning. He knew he had made plans with his sister that night, but he contemplated them, knowing that it was rare of the brunet to make the first move, even if that first move included a third-party. His mind raced, wondering what excuse he could give Sora to call off his plans with her. Perhaps he'd tell her he wanted to stay the night in Busan and have dinner with her some other day instead. Snapping out of his thoughts, Hyukjae looked up, smiling weakly at the brunet whose eyes had been staring right back at him.

"I'd be more than glad to," Hyukjae said sweetly, maintaining his smile. "But I'll join the two of you later. I need to go to my apartment to get some stuff first; y'know, for work." He looked at his watch, a shiny gold metal with a sapphire blue face that s around his thin wrist. His smile faded. Hyukjae got up from his seat, smoothing his shirt. He stepped aside, pushing his chair in. Donghae grabbed his arm.

"W-where are you going?" The brunet questioned, doing a poor job of hiding the panic in the tone of his voice. He let go of Hyukjae's hand, retreating it with an embarrassed look on his face.

Hyukjae smirked, ruffling the brunet's hair. "Home. Like I said, I need to get some things first. Just text me the address of that bar you were talking about and I'll be there." He turned to Kyuhyun, who was standing against the counter top with his arms folded, listening in on the verbal exchange that had transpired in front of him quietly. He shot Kyuhyun a look.

"It was nice meeting you, Kyuhyun." Hyukjae semi-winked at the man, starting towards the living room to get his bag. "I'll see the two of you later!"

The redhead disappeared, and seconds later the slam of the front door resounded through the house. Donghae looked at his hands with flushed cheeks, blinking profusely. What just happened? He wondered to himself, glossing over the parts of his hands that made contact with the redhead's skin earlier. Should I tell Kyuhyun? Donghae looked up, only to see that Kyuhyun had his back turned to him. The kettle whistled, prompting his best friend to turn off the stove and pour the piping hot water into a teapot he'd found in the cabinet. Steam rose from inside the teapot, fogging Kyuhyun's glasses. Donghae watched as his best friend set the kettle back onto the stove, taking off his glasses to wipe off the steam that had condensed on the lenses of his glasses with the hem of his sweater. Donghae bit his lip.

"Kyuhyun ah," the brunet called out, his heart palpitating at the speed of light. Kyuhyun turned around to face his best friend after dipping a tea sachet into the teapot, smiling gently.

"Yes?"

Donghae hesitated, rubbing his chapped lower lip with his thumb. He lowered his voice.

"Don't tell Lee Hyukjae this," he whispered, leaning forward, "but I remember him. I remember everything."

Starting the engine of his car, Hyukjae backed out of the carpark, his face a blank slate. He carefully drove out onto the main road, steering the wheel with his right hand as he the radio with his left. The radio crackled, the reception taking its time to connect. In seconds, the noise blaring from the speakers began to clear up, and the voice of a man, presumably a radio DJ, filled the car. Hyukjae frowned. He still felt the sting of both Donghae and Kyuhyun's blunt exchange, particularly about Donghae not remembering him. It was a special, newfound ache that took up space in his heart. To lose contact with the love of your life after leaving the country to pursue your studies was one thing; to find him again years later only to find out the man had zero recollection of his own about you, was another. Hyukjae stepped on the accelerator, gradually increasing the speed of his car, zooming past a few streets towards his home in Busan. He tried his best to ignore the throbbing ache in his head and heart, but they haunted him like the ghost of Christmas past. He claims he's a huge deal to you, Kyuhyun had said almost mockingly, to which Donghae replied simply: No, I don't remember anything about him at all. Their words echoed in his head again and again, wearing him down. He turned the steering wheel, turning the car left, entering the front porch of a light blue bungalow.

"We all go through heartbreak at some point in our lives; some more than others." The DJ rattled on.

Parking the car, Hyukjae turned off the engine and unbuckled his seat belt, sighing. He rubbed his face, breathing heavily before grabbing his bag in the seat next to him. Alighting from the car, Hyukjae pressed a button on his car key, a loud resounding beep echoing through the air to signify that his car was locked. He walked to the front of the bungalow, racing up the short stairs onto the veranda, taking out a ring of keys. Unlocking the front door, Hyukjae entered the dark house, turning the light switch on. A dim yellow light illuminated the first floor of the bungalow, a familiar homely scent engulfing him. Hyukjae was home. He kicked off his shoes and set his bag onto the black couch in the living room and sat down beside it, reaching for his phone from inside his bag. He dialed something on it before pressing it against his ear, waiting as the call tone filled its speaker. The line clicked.

"Hello? Noona, it's me. Yeah. Busan. No. Um, noona. I can't make it tonight. I've got some things to settle here in Busan. I'm sorry, noona. I'll make it up to you. Huh? Oh, uh, no... It has nothing to do with him. Yep. Okay noona. I love you. Bye."

Sliding the phone into his back pocket, Hyukjae got off the couch and started climbing the stairs to his bedroom. He pushed the door to the first room by the stairs open, entering a pastel orange room and coughed as the stale air hit him. It wasn't a surprise to him that swinging the door open alone had sent a thick speckle of dust flying into the air, considering that it had been at least a week since anyone had set foot in the house. He walked over to the four-tiered bookshelf next to his bed and ran his fingers over the spines of books on the second tier, pulling out a thick, green hardcover. Hyukjae flipped the book open, only to reveal a deep, square hole cut into the middle of page 365; a secret compartment that hid a a black velvety ring box. He retrieved the box from the hole and closed the book, returning it to its position on the shelf before jumping onto his bed, sighing.

"Should I?" Hyukjae asked himself aloud, studying and turning the box nestled in the palm of his hand. He knew he'd waited all those years to finally use it, especially since he'd been saving up for it since his twentieth birthday, but something about the ache that had grown in his chest stalled him. What if Donghae says no? Maybe I should wait. Hyukjae cracked the box open, revealing a beautiful rose gold band inside. Suddenly, Hyukjae sat up, worried. , he cussed, picking up the ring. What if it doesn't fit anymore? He bit his lip and rolled the ring in between his index finger and thumb, his heart thumping against his chest. He couldn't make up his mind. Should I ask Kyuhyun for advice? He wondered, returning the ring to its slot in the ring box. He's the only one who's remained by Donghae's side all these years, anyway.

Hyukjae pressed the box against his lips.

"Lady Luck be with me," he said.