18 :  g r o w i n g  p a i n s

The blurriness scared Hyukjae. Since he’d regained consciousness a week ago, he struggled to make sense of the figures that appeared before him, along with voices to match. It did surprise him, however, how some of those voices and vague faces came to him instantly, like the ones stood over him right now.

“Are you comfortable? Do you need me to call the nurse to help you with anything?” Deokboon asked, her hands hovering over her son’s body. Hyukjae attempted to shake his head, but when he realised he couldn’t, he cleared his throat and tried to smile instead.

“I’m okay, eomma,” he reassured, blinking his eyes. His vision remained the same.

Kangheon paced to and fro, folding his arms. A look of disapproval showed itself on his face like a banner clinging onto the fence of a school, and Kangheon made no attempt to hide it. He paused, turning to his daughter.

“Sora,” he called out, prompting Sora to look up from where she was seated. “Ask him.”

Sora shifted uncomfortably, adjusting her scarf. She looped her fingers around her ears, pushing loose locks of hair out of her face, forcing a smile.

“Hyukjae ah,” she started, rising from her seat so that her brother could see her.

Hyukjae pursed his lips. “Yeah?”

“Do you.....um…” Sora her dry lips. “Do you remember anyone apart from us? Anybody at all?”

Hyukjae frowned, on his lower lip. “Not really. Just you, eomma and appa. I tried really hard to remember anyone, anything else—but I can’t. I just can’t. Nothing makes sense.”

“Do you remember what happened to you?”

Hyukjae reached for his sister’s hand. “No. Please tell me what happened, noona.” He darted his eyes, watching as the three figures in the room seemed to shrug their shoulders. He heard them sigh, but he wasn’t sure if it was out of relief or disappointment. He felt his sister squeeze his palm.

“You got into an accident, Hyuk.” She said, her voice so soft the beeping of the heart monitor seemed to overpower it. “A drunk driver ran into you. You’re lucky to even be alive.”

Hyukjae snorted. “If being stuck in the hospital stiff as a statue counts as being lucky, then I guess I am.”

“Tsk, Hyukjae!” Deokboon chided. “Be more grateful, won’t you?”

The room was pin-drop silent, giving way to a ringing sound that resonated in Hyukjae’s head. He wanted to dig his ear or at least hit his head so, so badly, but he couldn’t. Not when more than three-quarters of his body, including most of his head, had been wrapped up. It was a miracle he could keep that still for so long without trying to wriggle free, his left hand and face being the only things that he could move consciously.

“Your eomma and I were so worried when Sora called us. Deokboon nearly fainted,” Kangheon said solemnly. “We had to cancel all our meetings for the month to come here and be with you.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Hyukjae mumbled, closing his eyes.

The sun felt extraordinarily bright today, at least to Donghae. The sky was a bright blue canvas painted with soft splotches of wispy white clouds, and if not for the fact that Donghae felt like absolute , he would’ve gawked at how pretty it looked. He squinted his eyes, whining as he followed Kyuhyun down a narrow pavement. He wondered why he’d let Kyuhyun convince him to come along, crutches and all.

“Kyu, can’t we walk in the shade?” Donghae whined. “It’s hot.”

“It’s hot because you’ve spent the past week cooped up at home like a sparkly vampire, . Plus it probably wouldn’t be so bad if you’d sat in the wheelchair like I told you to.”

Donghae stopped walking, shouting after Kyuhyun. “Why do you always have to be such a ?” He waited for Kyuhyun to turn around and get him, but he kept walking. Donghae had no choice but to catch up. When he finally matched up to Kyuhyun’s pace, he frowned, turning to look at him as he limped.

“We’re going to be late if you keep throwing tantrums, Hae.” Kyuhyun said simply, doubling his pace.

Donghae sighed. He knew Kyuhyun meant well and all, but sometimes he really just wanted to knock his best friend out with a punch. Once. Just once. They approached a tall brown building with tall glass doors on their left and entered.

“This is my first time going to his office,” Kyuhyun admitted as the doors of the elevator squeezed shut. “Guess it makes more sense meeting here than at some secluded cafe like we did the previous two meetings.”

Donghae frowned. “I still can’t believe you went ahead with this before telling me about it.”

“I would’ve told you if you’d quit acting like the living dead.”

Donghae glared. “Why don’t you try living with the fact you were supposed to get killed but had to witness your lover getting hit instead?”

An awkward silence filled the air. Kyuhyun thanked his lucky stars they were the only ones in the elevator, because he knew he’d messed up and stepped over the line. Pride always got in the way of apologies when it came to Kyuhyun, but for Donghae, pride meant nothing. He felt guilty.

“I’m sorry, Hae,” Kyuhyun apologised, looking down. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know how hard all of this has been for you, and I mean, I know your coping mechanism is to withdraw and all, but you haven’t visited Hyukjae in the last week and I just feel like you don’t want to accept that—”

“Are you going to keep talking?” Donghae interrupted. “‘Cause if you’re going to say sorry and then keep making me feel like , I’d rather you take back your apology.”

Kyuhyun kept his mouth shut. He knew Donghae was hurt and that he should’ve been more careful with his words. He was too used to teasing his friend—that was the crux of their strong friendship afterall—but Kyuhyun knew he’d have to be more mindful of Donghae’s feelings, at least for now. Donghae had always been a sensitive being to begin with, and Kyuhyun was aware that all of the things that have happened since Hyukjae first found him little more than a year ago had made him even more edgy.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, Hae.”

The elevator doors cracked open on the twenty-third floor. They turned left onto a hallway lined with doors, doors and more doors, heading towards the office at the end of it. They could see a large silver desk sitting behind the glass doors of the office’s entrance, and a sign that said “Park J. & Co.” on the wall behind the desk. Kyuhyun rang the doorbell and waited. A young lady dressed in a formal gingham suit approached them, unlocking the doors.

“You must be Kyuhyun-ssi,” she greeted first as the pair stepped into the office. “I’m Haneul, Mr Park’s assistant. Let me take you to Mr Park; he’s been waiting.”

They followed Haneul into a room at the end of another long hallway. Haneul held the door wide open. Donghae peered over Kyuhyun’s shoulder and saw a man, who couldn’t have been more than eight years older than he was, stand up from behind a desk. He had bright orange hair and wore a navy blue pinstripe suit. He was smiling so widely Donghae could’ve sworn his lips were about to rip.

“Kyuhyun-ssi!” The man, presumably Jungsu the attorney, greeted, bowing and shaking Kyuhyun’s hand. Kyuhyun returned the gesture, bowing respectfully.

“Jungsu-byeonhosa.”

Jungsu glanced at Donghae, smiling.

“You must be Lee Donghae,” he grinned, bowing and shaking Donghae’s hand. Donghae tried his best to smile, even though he was clearly still seething with anger from what had happened earlier. Jungsu invited them to sit down in front of his desk, and after asking Haneul to fetch them some tea, he too, sat down.

“It’s been a while since we last met,” Jungsu began. “I’ve been looking into the backgrounds of all the parties involved in this case, and I managed to gather some new information. Today is going to be quite content-heavy, just to let you know in advance. If at any point, you feel that you’re overwhelmed and need a breather, do let me know.”

Kyuhyun turned to Donghae. “Heard that?”

“Yeah.” Donghae answered, expressionless. A sense of unease perforated in his chest. He scanned the desk in front of him, noticing every sheet of paper, open file and pen strewn across its surface. The sounds of fingers tapping against a keyboard bounced from wall to wall and made Donghae anxious. Donghae watched as Jungsu typed on a laptop. When he was done, he folded the laptop.

“It’s important to me that my client is aware of everything that is happening before I proceed with a case,” Jungsu said suddenly before nodding towards the door. Haneul entered the room with a tray, setting three cups of tea onto the desk before making her exit. After she left, Jungsu invited Kyuhyun and Donghae to drink. He turned to Donghae.

“Donghae-ssi, I’m sure Kyuhyun-ssi has shared with you how our last few meetings have gone, and about the information we’ve worked on and collected each session. Before I proceed with today’s session,” Jungsu paused, waiting for Donghae to return his cup back to its saucer, “I’d like to ask you—how are you feeling?”

Surprised at the sudden attention, Donghae cleared his throat, swallowing awkwardly. “Uh, okay, I guess.”

“How’s your memory? Good?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. How is this relevant?”

Jungsu smiled. “I need to make sure you’re healthy at least mentally and emotionally, so that you can testify in court. Otherwise, the defense attorney can file a complaint stating that you’re not a credible witness.”

Donghae shifted uncomfortably. “I’m fine. I’ll be seeing a psychologist soon—some sort of post-accident protocol bull—so I’ll get ‘em to write a formal diagnosis or something.”

“That’d be helpful,” Jungsu replied, leaning back in his chair. “Right, so let’s proceed. I hope you brought the evidence you informed me about, Kyuhyun-ssi.”

When Kyuhyun and Donghae (whom Kyuhyun managed to drag along by force) returned to the hospital nearly five hours later, they bumped into Sora at the lobby. Sora faked a smile, slipping her phone into her purse.

“I don’t think you’d want to go up there,” she warned, her words jagged and dripping in sarcasm. “My parents are there, and if they see your face, you’re done for.”

Donghae balled his fists, glaring. He was on the brink of cussing the out when Kyuhyun grabbed him by the arm, dragging him aside to defuse the situation. He turned Donghae to face him.

“Don’t let her affect you, Hae. Don’t let them win.”

“How can I just let her say these thi—”

“Remember our priorities, Donghae. Please.”

Donghae surrendered. “Fine. I’ll ignore her. You deal with her.”

Turning back to Sora, Kyuhyun adjusted his glasses and smirked.

“You’ll be hearing from our lawyer soon,” he said calmly, baring his teeth in a wide grin. Sora raised her brows in response, folding her arms.

“Oh?” She laughed. “Well tell your lawyer to drop the case because it’s pointless; Hyukjae doesn’t remember you or you, you jinx. He doesn’t even remember how he got here. Bless.”

Sora turned, putting on a pair of shades before exiting the hospital. If not for the fact that Kyuhyun had his hand holding Donghae’s in a tight grasp, Donghae probably would’ve ran after her. Instead, the pair stood rooted to where they were, angry but calm.

“You okay?” Kyuhyun asked.

“Ugh, sometimes I just really want to sock her in the face. ing .”

“I know, I know. Let’s forget Lee Sora and go see Hyukjae, okay? We’ll avoid his parents if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Donghae laughed, raising his brows in disbelief. “Avoid them? I want them to see me. They’re not going to be able to get rid of me that easy.”

Kyuhyun smiled, amused. “Sounds like feisty little Lee Donghae is slowly making a comeback.”

Donghae hobbled towards the elevator buttons and jabbed at the arrow pointed upwards repeatedly. They arrived at the ICU bay moments later and sat down at the waiting area, going over what they’d talked about with Jungsu.

“I feel a little better knowing Jungsu-byeonhosa is helping us with the case,” Donghae shared. “He seems reliable.”

Kyuhyun clucked his tongue. “Trust in the genius that is Cho Kyuhyun. I only pick the best for my best friend.”

“Right.”

“Oh c’mon,” Kyuhyun pouted, nudging Donghae. “Humour me a little. I’ve missed you being a little punk to me. Everything’s been so serious and sad lately.”

“That’s because everything is serious and sad, Kyu.” Donghae looked up at his friend. “But I’m trying my best not to be such a Debbie Downer. Having you by my side makes things a lot more bearable. Otherwise I might’ve offed myself.”

Kyuhyun scorned. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. You are not allowed to die before I do.”

“Don’t worry. Judging by the pattern of things that have happened, everyone will die before I do.”

“Lee Donghae…..”

Donghae raised his hands. “Alright, alright, I’m kidding. I’ll stop being so dark and solemn.”

“That’s the spirit.”

One week without Hyukjae appearing within his line of sight had helped Donghae pull himself back onto his feet. He knew he had been nothing short of a pushover ever since he first met Sora, and that perhaps he had dealt with everything in the worst way possible—clearly clinging to Hyukjae for nearly an entire year and then forcing himself to avoid him during his holiday with Kyuhyun had proven more detrimental than helpful. He never would’ve thought spending a week away from his bedridden fiancé would give him a new lease of life, but now that it had, he wanted to make full use of it. No more moping over the past or could-have-beens. No more it’s all my faults. No more hiding in fear of Sora and her horrible parents, or crying over the fact Hyukjae couldn’t remember him. He knew he had to force himself to be better, stronger even, in order to face them in the courtroom in the months to come. The man in Room 10 was counting on him.

Donghae walked into the ICU bay with his head held high and Kyuhyun by his side, mentally preparing himself for the unpleasant meeting with Hyukjae’s parents. When they arrived at Room 10, however, all that greeted them was an empty room.

“Hyukjae?” Donghae shouted into the empty room. His mind began to run wild. Where is Hyukjae? Why isn’t he here? Did they move him? Did the hospital let his parents take him home without informing me? Is he in the operating theatre? Donghae swallowed. Is he .. ....dead?

A nurse walked towards them with her head tilted. “Are you looking for Mr Lee Hyukjae?”

“Yes,” Kyuhyun answered quickly. “Where is he?”

“He’s on level eight,” the nurse replied. “Ward 86, Room 4, bed 4. He was moved there two days ago after the doctor declared him out of critical condition.”

Kyuhyun and Donghae sighed audibly, relieved.

“Thank you…” Donghae peered at the nurse’s nametag. “..Dahyun-ssi.”

Donghae limped towards the stairwell as fast as he could with Kyuhyun nearly running after him.

“Hae, what the hell are you—” He watched as Donghae leaned against the door to the stairwell to push it open, the crutches wedged under his pits creaking as he did so. “Hae, your leg hasn’t fully recovered yet! Can’t we just take the elevator?”

“Elevator’s too slow,” Donghae said coolly, hobbling towards the stairs. He rested his crutches on the step below him and descended one step at a time as carefully as he could. Following him warily, Kyuhyun tutted. Sometimes he wished Donghae wasn’t as stubborn as he was, at least for his own sake. He watched as Donghae stretched his neck upon reaching the foot of the first flight of stairs. But if he isn’t stubborn, he isn’t Lee Donghae. He rushed forward, blocking Donghae’s path.

“Alright, I can’t stand this anymore,” Kyuhyun said, faking annoyance. “Giddy up.”

Donghae stared at him. Kyuhyun was stood in front of him with his knees slightly bent, waiting for Donghae to hop onto his back. Donghae stifled a laugh.

“Uh, I.. I can manage, Kyu. Seriously.”

“Nope. No you can’t. Climb on.”

“But Kyu I—”

“Or else I’m telling Hyukjae you haven’t been taking care of yourself well again!”

Donghae rolled his eyes. “It’s not like he remembers me!”

“I’ll make him, and when he does I’ll make sure he pokes you in the eyes for being such a hard person to deal with.”

After a brief silence—one filled with many, many tsks and ughs, Donghae relented. He held his crutches in one hand and grabbed Kyuhyun’s shoulder with the other, steadying himself before making the jump.

“Ready? I’m gonna jump onto your back, and I’m not light,” Donghae pre-empted. As soon as Kyuhyun nodded in acknowledgment, Donghae counted down from three, and—

“Oh my god what the what the what do you even eat you freak of nature ow ow my back holy holy ing !”

Donghae held on tightly to a wobbly Kyuhyun, who only managed to regain stability after about a minute of grappling and swaying..

“Are you sure you can carry me down one and a half floors’ worth of stairs safely?” Donghae asked, casting his doubt. “I didn’t come to the stairwell to die, Kyu.”

“Oh won’t you shut up! Gaaaaawd.” Kyuhyun breathed deeply. “How on earth can you weigh this much despite looking like the Grim Reaper’s second cousin?”

Donghae smacked the back of Kyuhyun’s head. “Crutches can be used as weapons. Just a warning.”

“Yeah, then we’ll both die.”

“We might just.”

Kyuhyun could swear that reaching the eighth floor felt like winning a medal in the Olympics. He set his best friend down gently, struggling to catch his breath. Wiping at the beads of perspiration forming at his forehead, Kyuhyun turned, staring at a smug-looking Donghae that seemed to be laughing at him.

“Weak,” Donghae mocked, snickering.

Kyuhyun dabbed on the last few beads of perspiration with his sleeves. “I’m a teacher, not an athlete.”

“It’s a miracle you’re even a teacher with your foul mouth.”

“Shut it, Dumbhae.”

They refocused, exiting the stairwell only to find Ward 86 conveniently located facing the stairwell. Upon entering the ward, they strolled past the rooms in search of their destination. They passed by Rooms 1 to 3 in quicktime, and once they reached Room 4, Donghae held a hand in front of Kyuhyun. I’ll go in first, he said.

The room was quiet, aside from the beeping of two heart monitors and occasional sound of fabric rubbing against fabric. There were four beds; one belonged to Hyukjae, another belonged to a patient who was sleeping in the corner of the room, and the other two were empty. Donghae hobbled to the side of Hyukjae’s bed as quietly as he could, pausing when Hyukjae’s eyes met his.

“Hello,” Donghae greeted, smiling.

“Hi.”

Kyuhyun walked over to the bedside table and picked up a plastic cup, pouring himself some water.

“How’re you feeling, bud?” He asked, lifting the cup to his lips. For a while, the sound of Kyuhyun gulping down his water, the beeping of the heart monitors and the snoring from the patient in the next bed were the only things audible in the room.

Hyukjae shifted slightly. “I’m okay, Kyuhyun. How are you?”

It took Donghae a while to realise Hyukjae was talking to him.

“Me?” Donghae double checked, pointing to himself. “Oh, uh… I’m okay, thanks for asking.” He sat down in the chair next to the bed, groaning as he shuffled in his seat, the crutches clanking against each other as he left them leaning against the wall. Kyuhyun binned the empty cup and smiled.

“Y’know, your precious Lee Donghae has earned himself a place on Santa’s naughty list with the way he’s been acting lately,” Kyuhyun joked. “Stubborn brat hasn’t been taking care of himself at all. He wanted to run down the stairs to find you—can you imagine? Crutches and all. He’s nuts. I didn’t let him though, so I piggybacked him. I could’ve died, Hyukjae. You should thank me.”

Donghae glared. “Yah. Don’t tell him that. He doesn’t remember me. You’re going to confuse him.”

“Right.”

“I still find it strange how he remembers you, but not me.” Donghae frowned.

Kyuhyun laughed. “No one ever forgets a person like me.”

“That’s because you’re an absolute pain in the ,” Donghae argued.

“You’re not wrong.”

Hyukjae, whose line of vision was limited by the way his head was held in place by a combination of medical equipment (probably some post-whiplash protocol), managed a small laugh. He’d been feeling lonely all week, so the sight of the two best friends bickering in front of him brought him some form of comfort. Donghae didn’t notice it, but Hyukjae stared right at him, smiling.

I love you, Lee Donghae. I really, really do. I’m sorry I have to act like I’ve forgotten you, but I know you’re strong. You can handle it. Hold on a little longer, won’t you? I’ll let you know in due time that I’ve never forgotten you, or us.

Donghae turned to look at Hyukjae, smiling.

For now, let’s just say I barely remember you, so they never hurt you. I’ll never let them hurt you. Not anymore.

*Byeonhosa is Korean for "lawyer", and is apparently used as a suffix when addressing one (like the use of seonsaengnim). I learnt this from the drama, "Lawless Lawyer".