Jongin learns from Junmyeon that Kyungsoo woke up at five in the morning, called their manager, and headed straight to the SM building. He didn’t answer his countless phone calls and text messages sent before because his phone was turned off, as they rushed him into the studio to finish recording.

When Jongin arrives at SM with the rest of the members, his stomach whirls with different emotions: excitement, relief, and most prominently anxiety. Anxiety over his talk last night with Kyungsoo, anxiety over his now puffy eyes and the concerned looks of members who don’t exactly ask what’s wrong but their gazes say it all, and anxiety over how Kyungsoo is now that he’s actually back.

Is Kyungsoo okay? Did he hate it over at Earth-88? Or did he enjoy it? Jongin’s not sure how he would feel if it’s the latter, his stomach swirling as he remembers all of his conversation last night. His newfound acknowledgement of his feelings for who he considered one of his best friends makes this life so much more difficult.

To his relief, Kyungsoo isn’t there when they walk into the practice room. Jongin distracts himself with morning stretches before their manager comes in and gives him a pair of sunglasses. “Protect your image,” he muttered when Jongin thanked him multiple times. In his hurry to get out of the dorm, he forgot how swollen his face looks.

It’s only Sehun, Minseok, and Jongin today in the practice room. Most of the members, besides Kyungsoo, already have the choreography down. These three are only here because they have solo dance shots in the music video, and thus their instructor wanted to meet with them more to make sure they had it down perfectly before filming begins.

Minseok is running through the moves with Sehun when Kyungsoo walks in, followed by another one of their managers and a few others Jongin doesn’t recognize. They wait by the door as Kyungsoo and the manager approaches the instructor, who talks to him for a few minutes before gesturing over to Jongin.

Jongin swallows. He knows what’s about to happen.

“You’ll need to help Kyungsoo with the choreo,” his instructor tells him after waving him over. “He remembers most of it, but it’s been a while and he hasn’t gotten the same amount of practice as the rest of the members. Just go over the general choreo stuff, I’ll make sure he gets his own parts down later after I help Minseok and Sehun.”

All Jongin can do is nod.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo is the first to speak.

Jongin stares at the familiar short, black hair. The bags under his eyes are not as bad as they were before, but they’re definitely more noticeable than the other Kyungsoo’s. He wants to reach out and smooth his fingers over them.

“Hi,” Jongin parrots. “How…” he hesitates. Maybe Kyungsoo doesn’t want to talk about it. But upon only being met with a raised eyebrow, he continues, “How was it?”

“I already told them about it,” Kyungsoo sighs, gesturing to the men standing by the door still, arms crossed and eyes focused on Kyungsoo. “But it was fine. A lot less different than you’d imagine.”

Fine. Fine is good, Jongin thinks.

“Did you have fun?” It’s a stupid question that Jongin regrets as soon as he says them. Kyungsoo is probably stressed, having missed so much of his schedule, and he probably just wants to get straight to practice but Jongin is wasting his time with stupid questions. “You don’t have to answer that,” he cuts himself off with a frown.

“I wouldn’t say I had fun,” Kyungsoo says, ignoring Jongin’s self-doubt. He’s taking his time stretching, Jongin notices. “But it was interesting. Like I went on a vacation I didn’t know I needed.”

Jongin isn’t sure how to process that.

“It gave me a lot to think about,” Kyungsoo continues without prompting. He’s still not looking at Jongin, but rather beyond him.

Jongin’s mouth feels dry, but he still manages to ask, “Like what?”

Kyungsoo tilts his head, but doesn’t answer. Instead, he begins the choreography to the chorus.

Thinking that Kyungsoo just didn’t hear him or doesn’t want to talk about it, Jongin just watches him dance. He’s patient, allowing Kyungsoo to make mistakes and only correcting them once he’s finished watching. Kyungsoo corrects each error diligently afterwards, practicing the same move the right away five times after to ensure he’s got it down.

When they’re done working on all the moves Jongin can help with, they wait by the side for their instructor to finish what he’s doing with Minseok and Sehun. Jongin is gulping down water, hoping the action saves him from having to figure out what to talk to Kyungsoo about. He doesn’t want to make Kyungsoo uncomfortable on his first day back.

But Kyungsoo saves him the trouble by speaking first.

“I remember the first time I saw you dance,” Kyungsoo begins, eyes focused past Jongin again but now he understands what he’s doing. Kyungsoo is watching their reflections in the mirror. “I never told you, but you’re the reason I’m here.”

Jongin’s lips part, but no words come out.

“Sorry, that sounds dramatic. I just mean that on the day I was going to cut my hours back, I saw you dancing.” Kyungsoo clarifies.

“O-Oh. My dancing?” Jongin asks for lack of a better response. He’s not sure where any of this is coming from, and Kyungsoo still won’t look for him even though Jongin’s sure his own look is begging to be noticed.

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrow, but Jongin only sees them from the side. “Yeah, but it was more than just your dancing. It was the look on your face. I had never seen something so—”

His words are cut off when Chanyeol and Baekhyun enter the room, Baekhyun slapping Chanyeol over the shoulder and Chanyeol complaining in protest. Their focus zooms in on Kyungsoo in the corner before they run over, tackling a reluctant Kyungsoo to the ground with mock punches and a dozen questions.

Jongin’s not sure if he heard the last word right. He’s scared of getting his hopes up, because he may have heard Kyungsoo say beautiful. 

He can’t ask though, because the instructor whisks Kyungsoo away soon after. And as soon as they’re done, their manager takes Kyungsoo to his next schedule, whatever that may be. Jongin doesn’t know, and he doesn’t see Kyungsoo the rest of the day either.

Back to the same old, same old, Jongin supposes as he eats his late lunch. But he swears it didn’t always use to hurt like this.

When Jongin goes to bed later that night, he finds himself tossing and turning. He expects to see Kyungsoo every time he opened his eyes, and despite knowing better, is disappointed every time he’s met with a dark, empty room.

 
•

Today is the filming of the music video. Already behind schedule due to Kyungsoo’s disappearance, they rush to film everything in one day so they have enough time to have the video edited and properly distributed by the promised deadline.

Jongin only catches glimpses of Kyungsoo throughout the day. Usually when Jongin is leaving the dressing room, Kyungsoo is coming back in, stylist already stripping him of one jacket to throw on the next outfit. They share passing glances and hesitant smiles.

During the group shoots, Jongin and Kyungsoo are positioned near each other. This is nothing unusual, and for any other shoot, Jongin would’ve played with the collar of Kyungsoo’s shirt or poked at his knees for fun as they talked in between shots.

But today his hands stay by his sides. It’s even difficult for him to move his eyes, hesitant that Kyungsoo will catch him staring and put everything together.

Kyungsoo notices anyway. Jongin can feel his eyes on him, and notices the way his hand reaches out only to hesitate as soon as they’re close enough to feel the warmth emanating from each other. Jongin feels like his heart is going to escape from his chest.

Finally Kyungsoo’s hand lands on Jongin’s knee and gives it a light squeeze. When Jongin looks over, he’s greeted with a soft smile and a, “How’re you doing?” Jongin should’ve known that Kyungsoo never fails to check up on him at least once during each shoot.

“‘M fine,” Jongin mumbles, looking down to stare at Kyungsoo’s still present hand. He wonders what it would feel like to reach out and grab them, to hold them.

Kyungsoo nods, letting his hands fall to his side, and Jongin fights against the abyss that grows in his chest.

The rest of the shoot goes without incidents. They’re wrapping up now, Kyungsoo and Jongin in the same dresser with their stylists taking a break as the director goes through the shots so far, until the stylists are called out for a final meeting and it’s just the two of them.

Jongin can’t help his eyes from wandering over to the man beside him on his cell phone. Kyungsoo’s features are highlighted by the bright lights. He looks other-worldly, like he belongs on not just another earth, but another planet.

Something in Jongin’s chest aches, but it doesn’t feel like the abyss from before. It feels different. His aching muscles want to move, they want to embrace the person sitting right next to him. They want to hug and be hugged back. Jongin doesn’t know what he’s doing, but suddenly he’s standing up from his chair. He his lips.

So that’s how it feels like: that unromantic urge to do something romantic. Jongin wonders if this is how Kyungsoo of the other earth felt when he proposed to his Jongin. He feels out of control, like someone else is dictating his action, but at the same time, he’s also never felt so in control  of his actions before. Like a barrier has been removed, he feels brave now.

Kyungsoo is just beginning to notice Jongin’s new position, eyebrows raised as he turns his head to look at Jongin. He opens his mouth to speak, but Jongin cuts him off with an urgency that takes over him.

“If I kissed you, what would you do?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen, his phone falling into his lap. “What?”

Jongin clenches his fist a little harder. “If I kissed you,” he says, this time slower, “what would you do?” He takes a step closer.

Kyungsoo picks up his phone, but his hands are shaking. He’s frowning, but there’s something else there in his expression. Jongin hopes he’s not reading it wrong. “Stop joking around, Jongin.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not.”

Jongin watches Kyungsoo’s adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “You can’t,” he says, but it’s barely above a whisper.

“Is that a rejection?” Jongin has never felt so unassured. Not even their debut stage made him feel so nervous.

“No— I mean, yes! I mean, I don’t know.” He’s never seen Kyungsoo look so torn before, eyebrows furrowed and eyes trained on him. The man who approached Jongin and asked him out to coffee just days after they met was confident. The man who took on his first acting assignment with fervor and excitement was self-assured. The man who smiled at the crowds with a wave was poised.

The man standing in front of him with restless hands and lips chapped from endless worrying is none of those things.

“It’s okay to not know,” Jongin finally says with a sigh, taking a step back and falling into the seat beside Kyungsoo again. He feels stupid, not even wanting to peek at his reflection and see how pathetic he may look right now. “You don’t have to answer me.”

A moment passes.

Kyungsoo clears his throat, but when Jongin turns to look at him, he’s not meeting his gaze. “Let’s say I do want to kiss you. Then what?”

Jongin’s heart skips. Does this mean…?

“Then I’d kiss you,” he answers, words more confident than how he feels.

But it’s not a good enough answer, because Kyungsoo hesitates. “And then?”

Jongin searches Kyungsoo’s face for a sign of what he may want, but he’s met with a wall. Was that always there?

“And then we go and meet everyone else for dinner?” Jongin guesses helplessly.

He knows it’s the wrong answer when Kyungsoo sighs and turns away in his seat. “This is why I can’t kiss you,” is all he says before getting out of his seat and leaving the dressing room.

Jongin watches, wanting to call him back or at least follow him, but the stylists return as soon as Kyungsoo exits. One of them follows Kyungsoo, asking him to come back, but Jongin doesn’t hear the rest of that conversation because he’s flocked by his own stylists.

“They want to reshoot your dance scene,” the stylist says, and Jongin can tell she’s not happy because that was a completely different make-up look from the one he has on now. They get straight to work on his hair and make-up, but Jongin’s mind never strays from the conversation he just had with Kyungsoo.

What did he mean by ‘this is why I can’t kiss you’? Jongin wracks his brain trying to think of what was wrong with his answer. Was it not romantic enough? Did Kyungsoo want an actual date afterwards?

But if he did, he would’ve just said so. Kyungsoo isn’t the type to play around. He gets down to business and when he wants something, he goes after it.

Jongin wavers. Does that mean Kyungsoo doesn’t want him? Was he misinterpreting the looks? The touches? He is so sure he saw yearning in Kyungsoo’s gaze mirrored back at him. After years of knowing the man, he wants to think that he knows Kyungsoo well enough to know if that was rejection. And that was definitely not rejection, or at least not totally.

When they get back to their dorms for the night, Jongin makes a pit stop to the fifth floor. He knows Kyungsoo won’t be there, that he probably is so busy catching up that he won’t be back until 2am or later, but that doesn’t stop him from hoping.

To his surprise, Kyungsoo actually is in the dorm though. He’s sprawled across his bed when Jongin knocks and peeks in, fast asleep under his blanket. Jongin tiptoes in, adjusts his blanket, and sneaks back out.

He rests easier tonight.

•

It’s no surprise to Jongin when he wakes up and is hauled out of the dorm and to SM by their manager. Kyungsoo isn’t in the van, to Jongin’s disappointment, but Jongin can’t dwell on it longer because he’s pushed into his first class of the day, singing lessons.

When Jongin does catch glimpses of Kyungsoo throughout the day, most often when one of them passes a room the other’s in, Kyungsoo averts his eyes each time. He frowns and his gut twists, but he tells himself it’s okay. Tonight is the night.

He recalls his conversation three nights ago with the other Kyungsoo. Confessing then was difficult, but confessing now to the actual Kyungsoo is different. Back then, he didn’t know how to make sense of his feelings, but he has the words to define those feelings now.

And he doesn’t want the words to escape him. Not again, not ever, if he can help it.

When Kyungsoo and the rest of the members reconvene to go through last minute recording and finishing touches, Jongin gravitates towards the older man. He hesitates the first time he places a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, but when he’s not shrugged off, he lets his light touch turn into a gentle squeeze.

So far, so good.

It’s a little past 8, and most of the members are heading home now. With the new music video set to drop in about a week, they’re given a break. 

“I want to stay and practice a bit more,” Kyungsoo volunteers. The manager shrugs in response and allows it.

Jongin is quick to speak next. “I’ll stay too!” If he sounds too enthusiastic, no one says anything. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin with an uneasy gaze, but he too stays quiet.

He waits for the members to file out, each of them grumbling about being hungry or tired. As soon as the door closes with a click, he looks over to Kyungsoo who’s made his way to the opposite end of the practice room.

“Want help?” Jongin offers, not moving yet. He doesn’t want to scare him away.

“I’m fine for now, thanks,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, before turning on the music.

Jongin doesn’t push it. He stays true to what he said to their manager and begins practicing too, even though he’s likely gone through this choreography over hundreds of times by now. His eyes stray towards Kyungsoo once or twice, smiling every time they lock eyes. Kyungsoo doesn’t respond.

An hour later and Kyungsoo is taking his first break. Jongin makes his way over to the panting man, handing him his water bottle.

Kyungsoo eyes it warily, but takes it. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Kyungsoo takes a large swig of water. Jongin doesn’t even try to pretend like he isn’t staring.

“Is there something you want?” Kyungsoo asks when he’s done rehydrating, a downcurve to his lips. “You keep looking at me.”

“I told you what I wanted,” Jongin says, a frown of his own on his lips now. Is Kyungsoo really going to pretend like their conversation yesterday didn’t happen?

“Oh. I thought I dreamt that.” Kyungsoo dabs at the sweat on his face, eyes downcast now. 

“What did you want me to say yesterday?” Jongin pushes on, despite the unease in his chest. “When you kept asking me…”

Kyungsoo sighs. “It’s nothing. I’m not mad at you or anything, so don’t worry about it.”

“I can’t help but be worried though,” Jongin protests, taking a seat beside Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo flinches when their arms touch. “Kyungsoo, I want to kiss you.”

“Stop that,” is the immediate reply. Jongin is surprised by the anger in his words. “You don’t know what your words mean.”

“Maybe I’d know what they meant to you if you just told me what you were thinking instead of dancing around me.” He still speaks gently. He only wants answers, not a fight.

When Kyungsoo still doesn’t speak, head angled away from Jongin, the younger continues. 

“You haven’t told me much about, you know, the last few days. You were in a completely different world, but all you’ve told me was that it was fine.” Jongin picks at his hangnail. “Why was it fine?”

Still no answer.

“I can tell you about him,” Jongin offers. “The other you, I guess you could call him. He’s nice like you, and he can cook well like you. But for the record, I still like your food better.”

Not even a chuckle.

“He likes scary movies. He told me he’s the one who proposed to Jongin, and honestly it was a pretty boring story but I still liked it. Probably because he has your voice.”

There it is: a tilt of his head. It’s a start.

“I missed you. I know he’s basically you, but I missed the real you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our coffee date. Even if you were transported to another earth for a few days, I’m still holding you to your end of the deal. I want that coffee you promised me.”

A long sigh.

“I wanted to tell you about a movie role.”

Finally, Kyungsoo turns around completely. “A new role? Congratulations.” Jongin has heard that so many times before from him, but this time feels different. It’s more meaningful. “I’ll buy you a celebratory coffee, on me.”

“And will you tell me everything over coffee?” Jongin pushes. It’s now or never.

“Jongin…”

“Kyungsoo. You know how I feel, so why can’t you tell me how you feel?”

Kyungsoo bites on his lower lip. “Because it doesn’t matter. Even if I tell you, it wouldn’t matter.”

Jongin frowns. He wants nothing more than to reach out and stop Kyungsoo from making himself bleed. “Isn’t that for me to decide?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No, that’s for everyone to decide. If we— If I decide to down this path, there is no way out. If we don’t work out, they’ll still remember us as…”

“As what? Gay?” Jongin puts it bluntly. It’s not like he hasn’t thought of this either, but he just never thought of it as a main concern. Having already been in one dating “scandal” taught him that people are going to judge him no matter what he does, if he’s with a girl or if he’s with another boy. He may as well be happy as they judge him.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs, dropping his head. “All of our hard work — all of your hard work — will go down the drain as soon as they find out. They won’t care about the good we’ve done, they’ll hate us.” Kyungsoo’s voice wavers on the last few words. “I can’t do that to you.”

Jongin can’t help himself. Screw playing it safe, he feels braver now than ever before. He puts his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and faces him, eyes locked with nowhere to go.

“Kyungsoo, if they hate us, that but that’s their problem. We can’t control what they think. What we can control is what we do about this, our feelings.”

“You sound like him,” Kyungsoo manages with a whisper. Jongin can see his walls begin to crumble. 

“Let’s do this, Kyungsoo,” Jongin pushes, leaning in so their foreheads touch. Kyungsoo his lips again, and Jongin follows the motion. “Please. Because I really, really want to kiss you, and I just realized that I’ve been wanting this for a long time.”

“Are you sure?” Kyungsoo asks. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes.” Jongin has never been so sure. “But is this what you want?”

Kyungsoo pulls away, and Jongin feels a rush of doubt and fear overcome him until what follows next. He reaches and grabs Jongin’s hand from his shoulder, resting it on his lap instead. He looks up at him, and Jongin knows with 100% confidence now that he’s not seeing things, or being hopeful. The look in Kyungsoo’s eyes is honest, and Jongin recognizes them from eight days ago, when a red-haired Kyungsoo kissed him and called him his fiancé.

“Yes. This is what I want.”

Jongin has never heard more hopeful words until now. 

And when Kyungsoo’s lips meet his, he can see universes full of possibilities.

a/n:

1. im so sorry this is late!!!!!!!!! i had my commencement and graduation ceremonies this weekend and def didn’t have as much time to myself as i anticipated so !! i’m sorry!!

2. THIS WAS SO HARD TO WRITE i rlly did the least amount of prep for this chapter because i knew it would be the hardest to write (canon universe is so hard) and so WOW this was a pain trying to balance a sense of keeping it realistic while also giving them the ending i thought they deserved after the past few chapters. Honestly I was originally going to keep the ending a LOT more open and less certain, but then I was like I DID NOT WRITE ALMOST 20K WORDS FOR THEM TO NOT GET A DECENT ENDING THEY DESERVE okay no more heartbreak only luv pls

3. THANK YOU FOR READING pls enjoy the epilogue after this!