Kyungsoo can name a few similarities between this Jongin and the one back home. This Jongin makes the perfect rice, can play the guitar because he self-taught himself two years ago, and always keep a polite distance from Kyungsoo when they sit on the couch. He answers the phone with a quiet, “Hello,” and always ends the conversation with, “Take care.” He lets Kyungsoo take the bed as he sleeps outside on the couch, despite Kyungsoo insisting it be the other way around.

They’re small differences, but they’re different, and Kyungsoo finds himself holding onto these differences. Otherwise it is much too easy for Kyungsoo to look at Jongin and expect to see him twirl his way over to Kyungsoo with the same playful grin he gives him at home. And right now, in this apartment with pictures of the two of them all over the walls, that’s an image that’s too hard to swallow.

“What would you like to do today?” Jongin asks as he places the cart of milk on the kitchen table. “We can do whatever you want.” It’s Saturday, Kyungsoo’s fourth day here. Kyungsoo resigned himself to this reality on day three, after yet another failed attempt to find anything about idol boy group EXO on the internet.

Kyungsoo pours the milk over his cereal. He hasn’t been out of the apartment since his first day there, since Jongin has had work everyday and Kyungsoo didn’t feel the need to leave by himself. The past few months have been jammed full of schedules, long van rides, and quick naps in between. Though it felt weird at first, Kyungsoo quickly came to enjoy time to himself in one place.

“What’s there to do?”

Jongin hums in thought as he takes a bite out of his apple. Another difference: the Jongin back at home would have preferred a banana in the morning.

“Usually Kyungsoo and I watch a movie when we want to do something special.”

“Any good movies out right now?”

Jongin shrugs. “If your taste is anything like his, nothing you would like.”

Mulling it over as he chews on his cereal, Kyungsoo remembers one of his favorite vacation spots he would go to whenever he did get a rare day off to himself.

“How about the beach?”

Jongin looks up from his phone, a twinkle in his eye. “It’ll be cold,” he warns, but there is no pressure behind his voice.

“That’s fine.” Kyungsoo just wants to hear the familiar, comforting sound of waves crashing into the shore.

“Okay, we can drive over after breakfast,” Jongin says, standing up. “I’ll get a beach mat ready.”

Kyungsoo watches as he disappears into a room down the hallway. There’s another difference. Kyungsoo is 99% certain that the Jongin back at home wouldn’t act so calm if something like this happened. If that Jongin woke up to find his fiancé replaced with the same person but from a different universe, he would worry his head off day in and out.

In fact, Kyungsoo wouldn’t be surprised if Jongin is worrying about him too, and they’re not even engaged.

After finishing his cereal and washing the bowl, he and Jongin head out. Jongin has a tote bag hanging on his arm, one hand holding the keys to the car and apartment and the other holding a bottle of water.

Once they’re in the car, Jongin tells him it’s about a 30 minute drive to his and Kyungsoo’s favorite beach.

“I don’t mind, as long as your music taste is okay.”

Jongin laughs at that as he pulls the car out of the parking spot. “I would like to think we have pretty good taste in music, but see for yourself.” Kyungsoo scrolls through the music on his phone, but he doesn’t recognize a lot of it. He can’t tell if that’s due to the whole different universe situation, or just a different taste in music, so just selects a random song.

After a few seconds into the apparently R&B song, he comments, “Not bad.”

Jongin glances over and gives him a slight grin. “Glad to have your seal of approval.”

“Treasure it, I don’t give it out to anyone.”

That earns another chuckle.

Kyungsoo lets the song finish before he speaks again. “Could I ask you another question?”

“Of course. No need to ask.”

“How did you know I wasn’t your Kyungsoo?” he asks, watching Jongin’s calm expression stay unchanged. “You look so confident even though none of this makes sense.”

Jongin nods once, eyes never leaving the road. “None of this makes sense, I agree.”

“So how are you so sure? I mean, how did you know I just didn’t have amnesia and forget about you?” Kyungsoo presses, eyebrows furrowing more the longer he speaks. Because Kyungsoo knows he’s out of place because he spent days on the Internet searching for signs only to find a completely different world, but to Jongin, it’s just his fiancé that’s different.

“Remember how I asked to see your hip bone?”

“Yeah. Were you looking for something?”

Jongin nods. “A tattoo, actually.”

Kyungsoo tries to keep his expression calm, but he’s sure his eyes must be bulging.

“I can show you mine later,” Jongin offers. “It’s in the same spot too. Well, his is on the right and mine is on the left, but same area.”

Kyungsoo swallows. “What’s it of?”

“A rose,” Jongin says, a smile adoring his lips now. “It’s cheesy, but we got it when we were trainees, a long time ago. We were joking about getting one, and then we realized we totally could.”

“Your supervisor didn’t yell at you?”

“Oh, he did. He made us practice for an extra two hours a day for two weeks. But in the end, we got to keep it because it wasn’t in a visible place.” Jongin taps on the steering wheel along to the melody on the stereo, but Kyungsoo has tuned it out by now.

“Why a rose?”

Jongin hums, tilting his head to the side as if he’s remembering. “It’s pretty,” he finally says.

Kyungsoo blinks. “That’s it?”

“Yep,” Jongin says, letting his lips make a popping sound on the ‘p.’ “Why?” he asks, glancing at Kyungsoo out of the corner of his eye with a teasing look. “Did you expect a more meaningful explanation?”

“No, it’s just… nevermind.”

The younger glances at him again, but doesn’t push it, to Kyungsoo’s relief.

“Do you want hear the story of how Kyungsoo and I got lost in Tokyo?”

Kyungsoo does not expect that. “Uh, sure.”

Jongin goes into a long-winded story of how their first vacation together out of the country was to Japan because of Kyungsoo’s love for an anime about tennis players (it’s not called Prince of Tennis, but the plot sounds a lot like it to Kyungsoo). They were visiting a temple, and Kyungsoo’s phone ran out of batteries while Jongin had forgotten his phone all the way back at the hotel.

“We tried talking to the locals, but I have never taken a single Japanese class and Kyungsoo was totally blanking because of how nervous he was. It was so cute.”

The story does its job of helping Kyungsoo forget his own thoughts. This Jongin is just as enthusiastic in his storytelling as the one back at home, voice raising each time he remembers a new fact about the story to tell. Kyungsoo watches with amusement and a bit of endearment as Jongin speaks.

When they arrive at the beach, it’s empty because it’s not exactly a popular spot in the beginning of winter. Not that Kyungsoo minds; he wasn’t planning on going into the water, aside from maybe dipping his toes in.

“Have any beach stories?” Kyungsoo asks after Jongin has set the mat down on the sand.

Jongin thinks for a moment before answering, “Once I lost my sandal in the ocean.” When Kyungsoo sees Jongin’s overly serious expression, he laughs.

“You remind me of him,” Kyungsoo admits when he’s done laughing. “There are some differences, but at your core, you remind me of him.”

“Why do you say that as if it’s a bad thing?” Jongin asks curiously, taking a seat across from him.

That wasn’t intentional. Kyungsoo was just saying what he was observing. But he can’t deny it, because even he could hear the resentment in his voice as he was saying those words.

“Because it makes me think of things I don’t want to think about.”

Jongin nods as he stares off into the water. “Care to elaborate?”

He lets out a long breath. Honesty can’t hurt. Not in a world that isn’t his own. “The other day, when you were telling me about your trainee days, they sounded a lot like ours too. Aside from the obvious differences,” he says, eyes wandering to Jongin’s legs without meaning to. Luckily the man doesn’t see.

“And, well, I just— this entire time, I thought that the only world Jongin and I could be together in would be one where we were never even trainees. One where we meet in college or something, when exploring is more acceptable.” Kyungsoo plays with the frays on the mat. “So to find out that there’s a world out there where we are together, and we’re not even that different from the one I live in? That’s. Tough.” He frowns, chewing on his bottom lip. “It’s a lot to process, I guess.”

“I see,” comes Jongin’s gentle words. He’s looking at Kyungsoo now, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to look. He doesn’t want to see what those eyes are trying to tell him.

“How long have you felt that way?” Jongin asks.

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo admits. “I don’t really remember when I started… feeling differently about him. I just know that one day I looked at him and something hurt, but I couldn’t look away.”

Jongin pats Kyungsoo’s knees, shocking the older. It’s one of the first times he’s initiated contact since that first day.

“That’s love for you,” Jongin says, voice almost lost in the breeze. “It just happens and then you can’t forget about it.”

It’s so poetic it makes Kyungsoo want to punch him, but he refrains because this isn’t his Jongin. After seeing the horrified look on Jongin’s face that first day when he punched him for what he thought was a prank, Kyungsoo pieced it together that this Kyungsoo likely didn’t use physical violence as often as he did.

“I’m guessing you never told him.”

Kyungsoo would laugh if it didn’t feel like his heart was going to jump out of his throat.

“No. I was in denial for a long time, just like you.” A pause. “If I’m being honest, I still was in denial up until this happened.”

Jongin nods understandingly. “Denial is easier to deal with.”

“Barely,” Kyungsoo mutters. What’s actually easy is just ignoring the problem altogether, and that’s become easier with time as Kyungsoo’s schedule becomes more and more crammed in with filming and recording.

“Will you tell him? When you get back?”

Kyungsoo feels the grains of sand slide between his fingers. “I can’t.”

It’s silent. The waves crash against the shore but the sound is so much harsher than Kyungsoo remembers.

“I know that earlier I said that if we became idols, I wasn’t going to say anything to Kyungsoo,” Jongin begins. “But if I knew then what I know now… I would take that risk. Even if we became idols.”

Kyungsoo purses his lips. “You say that because you aren’t an idol.”

“Maybe. But I know what it’s like even if I didn’t debut. I was a trainee for over six years, I was practically an idol within SM’s trainees.” It’s not bragging if it’s true. “I know what it’s like to feel judged by people who don’t know you.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to speak, but Jongin continues, “And before you can say it, I know it’s different.” He shuts his mouth into a frown. “But it’s the same concept, a fear of what others will think and say.”

“It’s not just that,” Kyungsoo interrupts with a huff. “It’s not just what they’ll think. I don’t care what they think. It’s what they’ll do. They already get upset when we look at someone the wrong way, imagine the threats we’ll get if this gets out? We’ll lose our jobs.” He shakes his head. “We’ll lose everything.”

“And over what? A stupid crush?” Kyungsoo barks out a laugh. “That’s not worth it.”

“But what if he feels the same,” Jongin insists. “Don’t you want to know?”

“No. I don’t,” Kyungsoo tells him, and it’s the truth. He doesn’t want to know what Jongin’s lingering glances mean, what the gentle touches on the back of his neck when he’s tired could imply. He doesn’t want to know anymore about a future he cannot have. “Because it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to ruin both of our lives over feelings.”

Kyungsoo crosses his arms, taking in a deep breath. He’s done with this conversation.

But Jongin has his own last words to say.

“But feelings are all we have.”

They spend the rest of their trip in silence. Kyungsoo steps away to stand near the water, hoping to take his mind off their conversations. When he comes back, Jongin tells him there’s a good food vendor nearby and they head over for a late lunch.

On the ride back, Kyungsoo’s mind wanders back to the tattoo Jongin had described earlier. A rose, he had said. Kyungsoo remembers a brief conversation he had with Jongin in the comfort of a dimly lit dorm, both of them hiding under blankets with their phones, showing each other photos.

“What if I got a tattoo?” Jongin had asked after showing Kyungsoo a picture of a dainty tattoo of the sun on a woman’s wrist.

“It’d look good on you,” Kyungsoo told him. “But they’ll kill you if they find out.”

“They don’t have to find out,” Jongin joked. “I could get one on my or something.”

Kyungsoo laughed. “You wouldn’t. You can barely handle getting the flu shot on your arm.”

But Jongin pretended that he didn’t hear him, instead Googling tattoo ideas. “What would be a good tattoo? Oh, how about this one?” He clicks on a photo of a symmetrical shape. It was nice to look at, but Kyungsoo couldn’t see it on Jongin.

“Nah, you should do something more natural. Maybe a flower,” he teased, still thinking it was a joke.

He was surprised when Jongin agreed without arguing, “I like the sound of that. What kind of flower?”

“No way. You’re not getting a tattoo,” Kyungsoo insisted.

“But what if I did!”

“Please, I’m so confident you won’t get one that I’ll promise if you get one, I’ll get one too.”

“I’m going to make you eat your words, Do Kyungsoo,” Jongin said before tackling Kyungsoo with a pillow in an attempt to smother the older man, who pushed back laughing.

But Kyungsoo was right. Jongin never got that tattoo, and it was never mentioned again after that single conversation.

Yet in this world, that tattoo from a long forgotten conversation became a symbol of truth for Jongin, a signifier of his lover.

Back at the apartment, Jongin is brushing his teeth when he rushes out and knocks on the bedroom door. Kyungsoo answers warily, still tired from the day’s events, when Jongin pulls down the waistband of his boxers and reveals a slice of skin just below his left hip bone. There it is. It’s smaller than he expected and shaded in, and without thinking Kyungsoo reaches out to swipe a finger against it.

It’s nothing like he had imagined, and yet it’s perfect.

A/N: A shorter chapter but definitely a more packed chapter in terms of ~emotions~ betcha didn’t expect that from ksoo?? or did you?????????? dun dun dunnnnn

I have so many ~thoughts~ going into this fic, both planning and writing it, but I’m really tryna keep them to myself so you can interpret them to your own liking!! but I may write a post about them anyway and link it in a later chapter for those curious :) there’s definitely a lot of… nuances?? i have to keep in mind as I write this fic, which while frustrating to plan is rewarding once it works out!