that night, minseok's dreams send him off to a summer night.  it's a night he thinks about a lot.

it starts with the ends of an afternoon, sun beams cascading behind the mountains in the distance.  it's a late sunday afternoon when jongin and minseok decide to take one last walk around their home town.  putting on a light jacket at jongin's insistence, minseok walks slowly to the old park at dusk with jongin.  the familiar sidewalk looks monochrome under the street lights as the still night air blankets both of their silent bodies. 

wringing his hands unconsciously, jongin isn't crying but his eyes are gleaming with stifled emotions and unsaid goodbyes.  neither of them want to talk about minseok's departure tomorrow.  and despite not wanting to think about it, minseok's mind wanders to visualize a neverending, deep expanse of space and suddenly, he feels so far away.  tacitly, minseok reaches for jongin's hand and it's like a breath of fresh air when jongin's warm fingers wrap around his.  to think he's leaving this all behind...

they don't say much but they stare one last time together at the summer sky and the night's glow of the fireflies.  when they walk back home, hands still joined, it's an unspoken agreement that brings them to jongin's apartment.  last year, jongin's parents had moved to the countryside, leaving him alone in the city.  a few years before that, minseok's father had passed away and minseok's mother had immigrated with relatives to australia.  now, jongin and minseok were like two stars in the sky, keeping their place in the vast seoul city. 

the light in jongin's apartment flickers on and due to old habits, jongin tosses his keys on the coffee table and guides minseok by the hand to the couch.  he clicks the remote like it's just another night in and the soft sounds of the news comes on the television.  they sit like that for maybe half an hour.  there's a talk show starting, debating the pros and cons about colonization in other galaxies.  eyes are glued to the screen, but minseok's not really listening.  suddenly, minseok feels jongin's body shake through their joined hands.  and when minseok looks over, tears, large and viscous, are slowly streaming down jongin's face.

minseok doesn't think twice.  he hugs jongin to his chest, rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently, things like 'sorry i'm so sorry i'll miss you you're strong it's okay' and-

"hyung."  jongin's voice is watery and deep.  

broken, minseok looks up, moisture in his own eyes and fists balled up to keep from shuddering.

"i miss you and i want-"

but jongin doesn't really have to say anymore because what jongin feels, minseok feels tenfold.  so, minseok hugs him again, smashing jongin's face into his chest and stopping the words from jongin's mouth.  it's almost as if they're the only two in the world tonight and the thought makes minseok miss jongin even more, wanting to be closer, wanting to be one.

minseok presses his lips against jongin's before he knows what he's doing.  the movement isn't done out of feverish lust, but out of chagrin and longing, more for making up for the lost time to come than because of primal urges.  minseok lets a breath out when jongin presses back, body relaxing into minseok's and hands roaming the patterns on minseok's back.

after that, it's mostly autopilot.  longing drives them both.  and though they're there in the same space, here in the present, they miss each other and crave each other so much that their wistful touches burn white hot on each other's skin.

"don't cry" minseok whispers each time he kisses jongin.  "i'm here."

"closer" jongin murmurs, not wanting even once slice of air to separate them.

it's difficult, minseok thinks, to try and console this boy when minseok himself doesn't even know how to console himself.  he's going to miss jongin terribly, more than he can wrap his head around.  it's frightening and though minseok is twenty one and jongin is nineteen, they're not quite adults in the way minseok had imagined them.

they lean against each other, coaxing and pleading, touching and sighing, until there's a turning point.  jongin leans backward, focusing on minseok's eyes.

"hyung" he says, still minseok's upper arm with care.  "i'm sorry i'm the one being more dramatic when you're the one leaving but-"

minseok wants to shake his head, but doesn't, fearing that the tears in his eyes might spill over.

"i just want to say...you were always cool and handsome in my eyes.  ever since we were little.  i've always looked up to you and-"  jongin takes a shuddering breath.  "you'll always be the cool hyung i always respect.  don't get hurt and please... come back to me."

minseok tries for a smile, but fails, face falling into despair.  instead, he hangs onto jongin, burying his whole face into the crook of jongin's arm.  and minseok wants to be the strong one, wants to laugh it off and say, 'don't worry so much i'll be back soon!' with a jaunty tone to his voice.  but the overwhelming emotion of fear, longing, and love just backs up inside of him, forming an impossible lump in his throat.  it's all he can do to keep from sobbing aloud, ugly and raw.  so he hides his tears in jongin's arm, hoping jongin won't notice.

when jongin tries to bring minseok up for another kiss, minseok doesn't budge and minseok knows then that his cover his blown.  jongin's voice breaks as he asks, "hyung?" making minseok cry even harder.  his face twists into something horrible and he doesn't want jongin to see him like this, but jongin's pulling and peering down at him.

"hyung" jongin pleads.  "hyung."

and suddenly, jongin's the one kissing minseok, open mouthed and breathing heavily like the only breath is the breath in minseok's lungs.  jongin moves minseok against the back of the couch.  minseok's eyes don't open easily but through the tears, he can see jongin's fluttering eyelashes, sticky with moisture.  he feels the vibration of jongin's fingers as they reach under minseok's shirt, reaching to his upper spine then exploring down and down at each vertebrae until he reaches the warm pocket of minseok's lower back.  in one fluid motion, jongin's hands are in minseok's pants, cupping his bottom and pulling minseok flush against him.  and minseok inhales sharply, eyelides flying open.  he reaches up, trying to grasp jongin's arms to push away.  but at the same time, jongin, eyes still closed, is gasping.

"hyung, please.  hyung.  i miss you. i miss you already and i-"

a humid heat mouths at minseok's neck, sending chills along minseok's spine.  minseok's hands come back down to jongin's hips, gripping the jutting bone.  soon, minseok closes his eyes, letting jongin bring them together.  once minseok surrenders, he finds that he is also insatiable.  first, he lets his fingers carefully palpate the slope of jongin's neck.  then, minseok's hands roam all over jongin's broad expansive back, fingernails raking over jongin's scapula, wondering briefly if jongin would ever grow wings and fly away like a firefly, bright and mysterious.

minseok noses at each crevice of jongin's neck, like a blind creature searching for warmth.  he samples jongin's clavicle with a and is rewarded by a low throated groan.  and somewhere down the line, jongin has gotten rid of both their shirts.  a fact that minseok only registers when he feels jongin kick a cottony pile to the other end of the room.  everything is slow and sweet, both of them trying to savor every last moment before the sun breaks.  but there is also a feverish desperation in the undercurrent, sweeping them along and pulling them deeper in.

minseok cycles from holding his breath to inhaling greedily.  the warmth he feels when jongin holds him close to his body, brings tears to minseok's eyes again.  he bites his lower lip and whispers in jongin's ear.

"it's okay."

and though minseok can't mold their entities into one, minseok does the best he can.  he cups jongin's face until jongin's looking at minseok straight in the eye.

"it's okay, jongin-ah" minseok repeats and opens himself up to jongin at long last.

minseok stirs from his dream, a tear falling down the side of his face.  he flounders, trying to grasp the end of the dream that's rapidly fading away.

"i miss you already hyung" jongin whispers, panting and minseok's cheek in the after glow.

"don't worry, i'll be back before you know it" minseok promises, closing his eyes and leaning into jongin's scent.

"..."

jongin doesn't call minseok out on the lie because both of them know the wait apart will never be short.

"when i miss you terribly" minseok murmurs finally,  "i'll send you some fireflies" he finishes, before pressing a kiss into jongin's temple.

jongin grins against minseok's cheek.

"when you think of me, i'll be sure to-" minseok mutters, half asleep and unable to finish.

minseok drifts in the place between sleep and reality, but before he closes his eyes he does hear jongin's faint voice.

"i'll always think of you, hyung.  and i'll always-"

minseok awakes with both his underwear and face wet.  he gets up, careful not to disturb chanyeol sleeping next to him on the bed and washes himself, sobbing and hoping the water drowns out the sound of his crying.  minseok hopes that chanyeol will pretend not to hear if he does.  but more than that, the thought front and foremost in his mind, minseok wishes he could go back to that time - that summer night - to tell himself.

'don't leave him.  please.  don't leave him.'

that morning, if minseok seems a little down, chanyeol attributes it to the fact that they're going to the aerospace station.  they get ready with minseok choosing a more casual look over something formal, despite going to the facility where he once worked.  he doesn't want junmyeon to come home to a co-worker; he wants junmyeon to come home to family.

there's a car parked in front of their house, sent by the higher-ups at the facility and though minseok feels displaced by the treatment, he gets in without a word,  not waiting for chanyeol's hand.  they ride in silence, with minseok lost in thought, looking out the window.  and though he wishes he could offer some kind of encouragement or support, chanyeol merely stares at the back of minseok's head for the duration of the trip.

when they arrive, they're told the ship has already landed and are immediately ushered into a waiting room while being told some updates.  the officers are in the decompression unit and receiving medical attention.  they've been in space for a long time and their bone and muscle mass have inevitably decreased.  junmyeon's in a wheelchair when minseok and chanyeol finally meet him.  jooyeon, junmyeon's fiance, leads him out with a smile that shows the relief and chagrin going through her mind at the siutation.

"kim minseok!" junmyeon calls out when he sees them.  

though he looks smaller and frail, junmyeon's voice is somehow still loud and cheery.  he bows in chanyeol's direction.  only minseok sees the raised eyebrow at chanyeol's presence, but minseok knows that jooyeon has filled junmyeon in on the basics.  

though the meeting room is only open to junmyeon's family and the security personnel, it seems bustling to minseok.  for once, minseok is glad the other officers from the station aren't here to crowd the room.  he feels a little guilty, being the only non-family friend invited to this special occasion and minseok wonders if he should really be here.  but then minseok remembers how junmyeon had been with minseok at the hospital after the accident.  and for a moment, it really seems as if minseok just left junmyeon yesterday.  as they're talking, minseok calculates that junmyeon is only about a year older than when minseok saw him last.  junmyeon catches the epiphany on minseok's face, chuckling.

"now we're six years apart" junmyeon tells him, putting an arm around his fiance's waist.  "jooyeon's not really into younger men, but... she'll have to make do.  right?"

junmyeon smiles cheekily at jooyeon, who raises a hand to slap him only to put it down after remembering that junmyeon's still weak from travel.  junmyeon sighs at jooyeon's pained look.  and with a more serious face, he holds jooyeon's hand to his cheek.

"i'm sorry it took longer than expected" junmyeon whispers, closing his eyes.

jooyeon looks away, tears in her eyes.

this is really junmyeon's and jooyeon's moment, so minseok too looks away, unable to say anything meaningful.  minseok feels selfish, but it hurts minseok's heart to see the intimate scene and he draws into himself, leaving chanyeol in the room, and excusing himself.

outside, there is a clear view of the space ship that brought junmyeon home.  as minseok considers the steel outlines, he can't help but think of jongin.  how old would minseok be when jongin came back?

the fresh autumn air outside doesn't help, but soon, he feels the pressure of chanyeol's large hand on the back of his head. 

"minseok-ah."

minseok lets chanyeol guide minseok into chanyeol's broad chest and minseok stays there, reassured by the gentle beating of chanyeol's heart.

they leave the space station like that, retreating silently so that junmyeon can have time with his family.  on the ride back, minseok clings to chanyeol like a lifeline.  and if minseok seems distant despite the closeness, chanyeol doesn't bring it up.  he doesn't prod and chanyeol stays like that, as if he's always been there like a tree rooted deep.

they reconvene at junmyeon's place a week later to celebrate junmyeon's arrival properly.  junmyeon's out of the wheelchair now, but still unsteady on his feet.  after dinner, the hoobaes from the station all start to help clean up.  they usher both junmyeon and minseok back to the living room, telling the old-timers to sit while the younger clean up.  junmyeon feigns offense at being called old, but minseok sits without another word, grateful to be somewhere a little quieter, away from the hubbub.  chanyeol sits next to minseok while jooyeon sits too, distracted as she watches the other officers bustle in the kitchen. 

as the conversation of how things have changed in seoul peters off, junmyeon breaks the news.  junmyeon tells them that they're getting married next month.  chanyeol's eyes widen in surprise, sitting forward in his seat and offering congratulations.  minseok isn't caught off guard, but finds that his mouth is slow to open.

"but isn't that a little quick?" chanyeol asks, looking to jooyeon then back to junmyeon.  "my cousin spent nearly a year planning her wedding."

but junmyeon just smiles knowingly at chanyeol, then looks at his fiance with a fond and apologetic expression, saying, "we've been planning this for the last eight years."

junmyeon changes the subject, complimenting his crew members.  he tells them the details about the successful mission, as minseok listens passively.  minseok tries his best to look interested while, at the same time, trying not to think about space or anything related to the things outside the stratosphere. 

the conversation naturally lulls again and when chanyeol leaves to get minseok another drink,  jooyeon follows him to help him find the glasses and check on the state of the kitchen.  junmyeon and minseok sit with the background noise of music and chattering from the other room.  something about being with junmyeon like this makes minseok a little uncomfortable.  he isn't sure if it's because junmyeon reminds him of his past, or if it's because junmyeon's return reminds minseok of another man still up in space.

"you look much better than i left you" junmyeon remarks after a sip of his orange juice. 

minseok exhales through his nose, smiling slightly.

"... i'm glad that... that no one got hurt in the end" junmyeon continues.

minseok's face stiffens.

as if reading his mind, junmyeon opens his mouth again.  "i hope that ... that no one will get hurt in the future either, but-" and here junmyeon puts a hand on minseok's knee, making minseok look into junmyeon's eyes.    "but that if it's too hard, just remember, i'll always be here for you."

before the last sentence is over, minseok feels his face falling and the tears dripping down the sides of his nose.  he tastes the salt on his lips as junmyeon holds minseok to his chest.  and when chanyeol comes back, junmyeon silently hands minseok to chanyeol, telling him to take minseok home.

+++

if baekhyun sets the velocity a little higher than usual, no one mentions it - not even the captain.  they are headed toward the fifth planet now.  after the first success, one mission had been a failure.  the third had been a success but by the fourth, they had also come up dry. 

"fifth time's the charm" the captain had said, unsmiling.

no one was saying anything negative but there's also no mention of anything positive aside from the captains quip.  it's the least they can do to not get their hopes up even though, going by the pattern, it is time for a win.

they're heading to planet 533 dash 7 when the subject comes up.  and jongin vaguely remembers his sunbaes back home saying that space smells like something burning.

"smells like a robot's b.o. to me" baekhyun muses.

"no, more like a grill after a long barbeque" jongdae disagrees.

"you're just hungry" baekhyun scoffs.

"what i wouldn't do for a juicy steak right about now" jongdae says wistfully, pretending to wipe his mouth.

"smells like burning nail polish remover" medic shin mutters.

"rub off a lot of nail polish, did you?" baekhyun snickers.

"hey, i had a sister ok?" the medic says, feigning offense.

"what does it smell like to you, jongin?" jongdae asks, leaning his face on his hands.

"..."

all eyes are on him, but try as he might, jongin can't formulate the scent into words.

jongin remembers the acrid smell of the storage room, where jongin used to kiss minseok during school.  how the old scent of dust and expired chemicals from the science lab mixed with the faint scent of cigarette smoke.  space doesn't smell quite like that, but when jongin imagines that memory going up in flames, he wonders if that's what space was - the past burning away with their existence.

[hyung, do you ever visit our old school?
i wonder sometimes if it's changed.
if our initials are still carved on the side of the 
flag pole. if they ever cleaned out the storage room.]

on the days that they don't have any exploration duties, jongin draws.  he sketches from memory and uses up every scrap of paper he can get his hands on.  on each supply shipment their ship receives, he requests paper and drawing material, though such cargo is rare now that they are deeper in space.

his fellow crew-mates don't even try and stop him anymore.  before, they'd tried to get jongin interested  in other activites, to get him out of his funk when the messages from minseok had dwindled.  but now, they leave him be, realizing that jongin seems more at peace with a pencil and paper.

jongin fills notebooks upon notebooks.  each page is filled with something different as if trying to archive all the memories in his head.  he draws fireflies.  he etches minseok's face from memory.   he sketches their school uniforms and spends a lot of time perfecting the look of the summer edition because it was- no, it is his favorite look on minseok.

jongin depicts their home town and the playground where they used to kill time before they had to each go to their own homes.  he wonders if minseok still lives there now - in the same town - waiting for him, the thought making him both giddy and sad. 

he draws minseok's cardigan, the one jongin had given him for christmas.  as he goes through each and every memory, jongin doesn't feel the time pass by so excruciatingly slow.  he outlines minseok's lips when the overwhelming urge to kiss him comes crashing into jongin like a tidal wave; the sound of the pencil being the only thing to dry up his tears.

when the memories are too painful, jongin charts their future.  he makes drafts of the pets they'll have, creating a version of each dog he wants.  and when he is dismayed by the fact that he can't seek approval from minseok, jongin pencils their hands in great detail to remember their closeness and how they'd fit so perfectly together.

when jongin can't draw the way he feels, he writes.  sometimes, he writes things like letters to minseok.  they are filled with things he can't say over text because long texts means more data and means taking longer to reach minseok.  little seemingly unimportant details that he would have told minseok, had he the chance or the data.  they're not quite letters because letters, jongin thinks, are meant to actual reach the recipient. 

one day, jongin writes a marriage proposal.  on other days, he spends time writing his wedding vows, revising many times over.  he writes his confession though he's confessed at least three times when he was on earth.  and finally, he writes apology after apology and promises that no matter what he'll never leave minseok's side ever again.

on other days, jongin's bitter and enraged and writes resentful things like 'why didn't you stop me?' or 'why did you leave me behind?  we were supposed to be here together.'  but at night, he goes back to apologies and cries in alone, only coming out when someone else pulls him out, half dead, from his containment unit.

jongin draws and writes until there's no more notebooks for him and the supply ship is light years away.  

"there's no more space" the captain says regretfully, wincing at the pun as he looks out the window.

so instead, jongin uses a chalkboard, drawing and writing and taking pictures on his tired old phone when there are things he wants to save.  there's an unending amount of data and when he can, he sends his old data via the ship's communication into his own private data unit back at the station.  

and when jongin is really really, desperate, he lets himself say minseok's name aloud-

"hyung."

"minseok hyung."

"kim minseok."

-but regrets it when there's nothing that comes in return.