walking up and down the stairs is difficult with his leg.  the apartment building is old enough and low enough that there aren't any elevators.  it's not that there aren't problems with the unit.  sure, apartment prices have sky rocketed since he's looking into the market last, but it isn't that either.  the truth is, minseok can't bring himself to move to another place.  it's the same reason why he won't change his 2g phone.

it's around 3PM and there's an hour until the start of minseok's shift, so he slowly makes his way down the stairs, through the old park in front.  in his hand is an old mp3 player and, with ear buds in place, minseok sits on a rotting wooden park bench and eats a late lunch.  it's already beginning to look dark as minseok looks up at the sky.  he can barely make out the moon.

"it looks like an old nail clipping" ghosts a voice from his memory. 

polishing off his katsu sandwich, minseok wipes his hands on a wet nap and snaps open his bottled drink.  the sweetness of the coffee beverage makes him cringe a little, but he needs the sugar to stay up for the night shift.  

his life hasn't always been like this, but he's slowly but surely getting used to the flow of this life.  in this life, minseok is a part-time convenience store worker and a part-time barista hopeful.  but full-time - all of time - he misses jongin.

one of the things he likes about his part time job is the scanning.  how the red light reads the bar code gives minseok a little jolt of joy.  waving the scanning gun around also helps.  when he thinks about it, the job really suits him.  he doesn't mind stocking because he's into organizing things.  he doesn't have time to go to the gym these days, so he makes a work-out out of lifting the heavier boxes of merchandise.  perhaps the thing he's the weakest at is dealing with customers, but it's minseok's way of meeting new people.  he makes a game of it, fantasizing about each customer's life just by what they purchase.

minseok is opening a box of banana milk when he feels the buzz in his pant pocket.

[i can see planet r45's moon right now.
it's so beautiful.  i wish i could show it to you hyung.]

it's a message from outer space.  more importantly, it's a message from jongin.

he cups the phone in his hand and gazes at the message.  cherishing every word, minseok closes his eyes and imagines what jongin must be seeing.  soon, there's a dinging noise signaling that a customer has walked in.  the moment's over, but there's still a smile lingering on minseok's face.

%%%

"section nine, unit four!  hustle!  hustle!  move or die!"

"the blasters aren't functioning!"

"!  get the generator going, unit three!  now!  now!"

"land this ship the best you can or we'll burn when we hit the atmosphere!"

"strap yourselves in!  initiating landing!"

it's an unforeseen accident, but not one they're not equipped for.  objectively speaking, it's not a big deal; it's more of a delay.  they crash land on an uninhabited but known planet.  there's little chance of them dying out in space, but the stabilizer beam in the engine room dislocates from the crash, creating a tiny hole in the side of the ship.  they're oxygen supply isn't compromised but most of the crew is injured.  and while minseok lays there, left leg crushed under the heavy metal beam, he can hear their captain on the comlink.

"dawning twelve to incheon command.  ship down, i repeat ship down.  we've landed on planet three dash seventeen.  we estimate a total of ten days for repair..."

%%%

in the mornings, minseok likes to wake up with the sun.  there's an odd satisfaction to the way the sky is dark blue and the way the streets are quiet.  the early morning air is chilly, but it helps minseok focus.  there's a small foldable desk that minseok uses for eating and for writing.  the only things he writes these days are letters - letters that never get sent.

[i was just writing you a letter.] minseok types into his phone.  the texting takes time as his phone is an ancient thing from the nineties, but minseok is patient and it helps him choose each word carefully.

[i had omurice for breakfast and some hot cocoa before leaving home yesterday.  it made me think of you.]

what he doesn't write is: "everything makes me think of you."

several months later, he gets a reply to this text.  minseok doesn't really remember what he wrote; it gets difficult when replies come months later depending on where jongin is in space.

[ah... i want to read it.
i wish i could have breakfast with you.
even just for a day.]

minseok smiles wistfully.

most of the time, minseok's nightmares are variations of the same fear.  minseok dreams about when jongin first left on his space craft - how jongin looks, how jongin feels, how jongin smells - and when jongin returns, he's exactly the same as if space travel had frozen him in time.  but instead of excitement and recognition dawning on jongin's face, jongin's face is blank and morphs into an expression of disgust when he realizes that this is minseok, standing in front of him.  there's a mirror and when minseok peers in, minseok is wrinkled and his hair is all white.  he's old.  how can he tell jongin that minseok still loves him?  where to start?  it's funny, minseok thinks, how the heart ages so much slower than the body.  and he wants to laugh in his sleep, but he can't; he's crying too hard.  because jongin has come back to earth, but he no longer wants minseok anymore.

minseok wakes up with a soggy pillow.  tears and snot mixed in one pool of moisture should raise a level of disgust in minseok that has him jumping up to buy another pillow.  but he can't.  he's still crying like his tear ducts can't stop working.  he has trouble breathing as his chest heaves with the exertion of sobbing.  and it's only until dehydration sets in, that the tears finally dry down and minseok falls back onto his bed, exhausted.

%%%

"can you get up?"

minseok nods.  he feels guilty for not participating in the repairs.  after all, he's the head of the engineering team.  he's the lead in the engine room.  and yet, as his fellow crew members work on the busted engine, minseok can only wince in excruciating pain.  immediately after taking a step, minseok crumples to the ground.

captain kim sighs.

"it's no good.  you stay down."

"but captain-"

"listen.  i'm talking to you as a friend.  the medic treated you the best he could, but you need more specialized help.  we're stuck here ten days and even with you staying still, you're going to get worse.  so please.  do me a favor and stay still until i can personally take you to a hospital when we're back on earth."

the mission is aborted and the crew goes back to earth.  the reason is due to an injured crew member and minseok hates that the injured one is him.  it's just a broken bone, minseok tells himself.  it's not as serious as the captain made it out to be.  but in the back of minseok's head, he remembers the captain was a medical doctor; minseok doesn't admit that he can't feel his leg.

the second they land, the captain ushers minseok to a hospital.  he goes into emergency surgery and when minseok wakes up, the captain has a timid smile on his face.  that's bad news.  the captain never smiles; not in situations like this.

"minseok, there's a phone call for you" the captain says.

he helps put the receiver to minseok's ear.  it's jongin.  and jongin doesn't know.  all he knows is that minseok has landed and that he's at the hospital.  all jongin thinks is that minseok is at the hospital for their routine check up after every space mission.

"hyung!" comes jongin's bright voice over the line.  "i passed!  i got accepted into the aerospace program!"

minseok's voice comes out as a hoarse cough.

"that means in a few years, i'll be able to go out into space with you hyung!  ... hyung?"

but minseok can't answer because his voice doesn't seem to work properly.  and in the panic of not being able to answer jongin, he realizes that he can't feel his left leg at all.  the last thing minseok remembers is jongin's voice as blackness consumes his consciousness.

"hyung! what's wrong?!  hyung!"