"drinking again?" she questions as she slides onto the seat next to yours.

you look up, you are already familiar with her voice, how her vowels are drawn out nasally, but that does not entirely mean you do not have to see her to really register that she is here with you.

and also, you have to make sure she will not join you drinking, not when she is still on her way to full recovery.

you have released her with a clean bill of health just a week ago, and it started to feel weird not to see her everyday like you've had for the whole duration she was warded, and because you are not the doctor responsible for her check up after, it has really been a while, so you are incredibly happy to see her again.

"yeahh," you slur as a rather delayed answer. you are somewhat aware of how you have drank more than you could possibly handle. "tomorrow is my, uhm, my day off and i..."

"...and you?"

"i'm just... hurting."

she almost jump on you, but managed to stop herself to not to be too hasty. you think she has come to a better understanding of you. maybe even better than you could ever be. "haven't you always been?"

you chuckle a little at the truth spoken. "yes, you're right, seulgi."

"what happened?" she asks, scooting her chair closer to you.

"well... it's more of a 'how' it happened."

you don't delve right into it. instead you turn away from her, looking at your empty glass. you know she is watching you, you feel it - her gaze is gentle as her voice soothes you. "it's okay if you can't find the words right now."

you nod, already a bit drowsy from your drunkenness. you blink twice at her, thinking. "would you... please take me home?"

"of course," she answers, determined. she settles your bill, and this time around, you don't protest, only reaching out to her arm and holding it with the firmest grip your drunken self could manage. she does not shy away. "hop on my back?"

"your injury..." you murmur questioningly, worried.

"what about it?" she asks, lowering her back for you to climb on.

"is it really fine... for you to bear my weight?"

"how else am i going to take you home? i'll be ok, you're tiny."

you're a doctor, and you know well that she should not be overexerting herself no matter how light you are, so you hold her shoulders and attempt to lift her back from the cold ground, though she doesn't budge. "come on," you gasp, just so she understands what you are trying to do. "i'll walk... to your car, just, um- just keep me upright?"

"okay," she laughs softly, getting in position to support you as you get ready to wobble your way to her car. "if it serves you better."

it takes a longer time to get to her car than what should have had you allow her to carry you, but you feel a bit better about yourself like this.

she offers you a bottled water once you are settled in the shotgun seat, and you down it quickly, thirsty after drinking lots of alcohol.

you don't talk, and she doesn't ask.

-----

"will you stay?" you implore, holding her pinky finger when she is retreating after placing you gently on your couch.

she looks surprised at your request to say the least. "stay?"

"you did so before..." you recall, and then shakes your head right after. you already feel a bit better from drinking some water, and you can't deny that her presence is helping tremendously. "it's fine if you can't. i understand."

"no, i'll stay." she finalises, sitting down crossed legs next to the couch and levelling herself with you.

you give her a small thankful smile. "i haven't seen you in a bit. how are you feeling?"

"i feel great," she answers, feeling about her stomach for her injury. "got the stitches out a little while ago."

"make sure not to strain yourself out..." you yawn after warning her, and she chuckles.

"sure."

"you remembered." you say, closing your eyes for a bit, wanting to rest it.

"hm?"

opening your eyes at her unknowing hum, you stare right into her own, sharp fox eyes soft in worry for your well being, truthful. "that i like my couch better than my bed."

"i remember a lot of things about you." she doesn't hesitate to answer, and you blink, hard.

just as her presence alone immediately has an effect on you, you wonder if the same thing applies to her. you like to think that she has grown closer to you, and you find yourself missing her when you haven't seen her in a while. could she feel the same? is that why she is here, with you, staying for you?

before you could ask, she is the one to give you a question first. "why did you choose the emergency department?"

"the ed...?" you repeat, clarifying.

"yes. it's difficult, isn't it? i've seen you work, and i've also paid some consequences for it." she chortles, teasing as she pats her stomach gently.

"stabbings in the emergency ward don't always happen," you sigh as you push yourself up on the couch, shaking the little bit of dizziness you feel off. "you were just at the wrong place and at the wrong time."

"what if i don't agree with you?"

you watch as she gets up and sits beside you, body turned to face towards you. "so you're saying that you wanted to be stabbed?" 

"well, not entirely," she confesses, honest. it makes you chuckle a bit. "nobody wants that."

"of course not."

"but i was able to protect you, and that's what i wanted to do." her palm rests on your thigh, idle but still comforting.

you burrow yourself deeper into your soft couch, fumbling with your fingers, eyes locked to her hand on your thigh. "there's no place else in the hospital other than the emergency ward where i could have a more active hand in saving lives."

she nods, following you easily.

"but it's like a double edged sword. we pronounce more deaths in the er than anywhere else in the hospital, except maybe the intensive care unit," most of the time, you're cutting off your patient's life support, so one edge of the sword is definitely sharper than the other, cutting you deep and leaving you with wounds that just won't heal. "it's what i set out and signed up for, but i didn't think it would be so trying."

"i've told you before that it's a noble cause, what you are doing." she slides her hand to your trembling arms, interlacing her fingers with yours.

"i remember that," you reply, gripping her hand tighter. she draws some shapes on your palm, waiting patiently for you like she knows you have something else to tell her. "i lost another patient today."

she nods. once you have started, you are already halfway to finishing it. "paramedics rolled in someone with an implantable ventricular assist device today."

"ventricular assist device?"

"yes, it's a device located outside of someone with a weak heart. they need it to help their heart pump blood around their body," your palm feels sweaty now. "he's had it for a few months now, and there's a lot of complications that come with it. excruciating pain and bleeding from the surgical wound are considered normal."

"that sounds awfully rough to deal with..."

"it's supposed to be a temporary fix, he was waiting for a heart transplant."

"...but?"

you shake your head. "he's nowhere near the top of the list. he yelled at me that my own heart will stop beating first before he could possibly get a healthy heart."

her eyebrows lifted upwards a little in shock. "i'm sorry that he yelled at you."

"...he asked the cardiologist to take it out."

"the device? but... wouldn't that mean..."

you give her a grim nod. "he had no one in his life, no family and friends, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to live for to suffer so much. he died within hours after the device is taken out. it's assisted suicide."

"is that... possible?"

"it's legal," you answer, though you are not allowing the tears gathering at the corner of your eyes to drop. "and the procedure is... it's very much recommended by cardiologists."

"i... i see."

"despite that... he signed up as an organ donor before the surgery, and we harvested his working organs. with that... he probably saved more lives than he could possibly ever think of."

"you're not drunk at all, are you?"

you chuckle lightly. "i still fell apart, but i was at the roadside stall since early in the evening, and i paced myself as i drink. more importantly..." you pause to look for her eyes. "i thought of what you might have felt when i was seeking an easy end, back when i had no one myself, when i just find it too hard to continue, when even the simple task of breathing got difficult."

her silence urges you to continue, so you do.

"you have absolutely no idea how thankful i am that you stopped me."

she slowly smiles, not the wide gleeful grin that so often etches itself on her features, but a gentler lift, and you attempt to capture it as best as you could, wishing it would last forever. "have you caught your breath properly?"

"without you, i would've used up everything. seulgi...  thank you for barging into my life."

"this is definitely not the last you'll see of me." she laughs, happy though both of you are really in a rather somber moment.

"didn't we do a pinky promise on this already?"

"we sure did," she grins, holding your pinky, rubbing it tenderly. "i'm just never sure when i could actually show you around. your schedule is always so punishing. you couldn't even be there with me to see jungah off when she was getting released from the hospital."

"i'll take on less overtime, i promise."

"great, great," she nods excitedly in approval. "there's a gigantic spot of 'a reason to live' vacant in your life, and you know there is no bigger reward to me than to fill that gap in."

"so are we going to do the dinner first?"

"yeeeees," she drags her word happily, raising her hand and lifting yours as well, her grip tight but not draining you in the slightest. "dinner first. i'll arrange the restaurant, car and everything. you just get in a really nice dress, okay?"

you allow a small smile to grace your face. "i'll look forward to it."

"there's no greater things in your life than saving people, i'm sure," she looks at you again, eye to eye, hopeful. "but maybe you could start with healing yourself first. then you can get around fixing people after being whole yourself."

"yeah."

"awesome," she finalises, content with the outcome. "can i hold you until you sleep?"

"please." you pat a space along the large couch, indicating where she should lie down.

she follows without questioning it. "you really want me to stay too, right?"

"you can make yourself at home here and stay as long as you want," you say, unable to stop yourself from smiling at the way her face just brightens as you also lie down to face her. "i'll give you a spare key."

"yes! now i can stock up your fridge and cupboards without using my plan 9c, which is to break into your place, cure you some meat and refill your pitiful sack of rice."

"what's... what's plan 9a and 9b?"

"nothing you can prove~" she teases you, grinning.

"wha-" you blink in surprise. "wait, you're being serious, aren't you? you really had plans to break into my house?"

"your lock looks pretty easy to pick. next time i'm here i would be replacing it."

"how am i going in then?"

"oh, well, i haven't really thought of that yet."

"being locked out of my house doesn't sound like an ideal reason to live, seulgi."

"touché," she mutters lowly, though you know she is far from upset. "you're not the only one benefiting though, juhyun."

"hm?"

"you're very important to me too." she confesses with that same happy grin. 

"i think the time you took a knife to your stomach so i didn't get hurt further kind of implies that."

"k-kind of?" she stutters in disbelief. "i got stabbed!"

"i couldn't tell for sure," you giggle. "it wasn't too shabby though."

"i take back whatever compliment i've written in the patient exit survey."

"hey, no take backs!" you yell at her, feigns being hurt.

her natural reaction is to laugh and pull you closer.

-----