there are certain questions you don't think you'll ever find a true answer.

or at least, answers that are not from a love magazine full of straight couples' cringe.

you are still unsure of how you got from being unaware such magazines exist to where you are now, reading them religiously.

(seungwan even offered to get you a subscription because you keep asking for her copies)

(of course, you had to decline and only ask to borrow them in exchange of favours, and luckily for you, seungwan's favours are rather easily returned with a delivery of hearty fruit bowls every other week)

what sort of questions are you in desperate need of answers to, that you are too afraid to ask?

unfortunately, you are unable to answer even that.

you peek under the magazine towards the kitchen counter as you lay on a new, softer and fluffier couch, watching the person who has been running on some intense marathon in your mind for a very long while.

she is humming while she chops away, content to leave you out of the whole cooking process this time around.

"i want to spoil you." she said with a big grin on her face when you asked why you were being chased out of your own kitchen around twenty minutes ago.

as if she has not been doing enough spoiling for as long as you can remember.

"seulgi-ah." you grumble from your spot on the couch, unsettled despite all the comfort the couch should have given you.

"yes, my love?"

your cheeks dust with red still when she calls you so endearingly. "are you sure you don't want me to help?"

"nope!"

"really?"

"yeah!" she chirps happily. "i know this week has been exhausting for you. just rest up."

"how can you tell?"

"you have eye bags under your eye bags, juhyun."

your hands fly to the spot under your eyes, feeling them. "no, i don't! i've been sleeping well lately."

"didn't have to fret over me anymore, huh?" she teases you.

"i will yell at you."

her hands stop working. "i'm sorry, please don't."

you let out a small sigh. "i'm not tired."

"what's with the long sighs and stiff shoulders, then?" she asks, her tone nonchalant, as if telling you that no matter how hard you try to hide your troubles, she can tell what exactly is happening. "got a difficult case at the hospital?"

you let go of your hold on the magazine, allowing it to drape over your face as you think. "there was a patient..."

she hums, letting you know that she is following you.

"she got a nasty head injury from an accident, lone car, smashed against dividers. she arrived at the emergency room with profuse bleeding and cracked skull. i did what i could to prep her for surgery, but i knew she had no chance... there was just too much damage."

the constant chopping sound is soothing to you, it regulates your heartbeat, and somehow, makes it easier for you to talk.

"as i feared, the neurologist declared her brain dead after the surgery," your voice is a bit muffled by the magazine, so you move it further up. "then her emergency contact arrived. it's her lover, just flown in from ulsan. her body was shaking, her tears falling free when she got the news."

the chopping stops again.

"she was given a choice. get her lover to donate her organs, as organs and tissues can still be harvested within twenty four hours of death, or... do nothing," you can't help but smile, a small one, but full of hope. "she didn't even hesitate." you get up from the couch, wanting to look at your own lover when you continue. "she asked if it would be possible for us to harvest her ovum as well, as her lover should have been in her cycle at that time. so we did, and she thanked the neurologist with tears in her eyes, for allowing her girlfriend to continue living in other people."

"ovum...? were they...?"

"they were trying for a child." you answer with a heavy heart. "so... her girlfriend... could possibly provide her with a child, and live on."

her voice breaks slightly too. it's subtle, but you can easily hear it now, after all this time. "i can't even imagine how she felt."

"i can't either," you say, honestly. "but i know that's love. she knew there was no one else."

"what a cruel blessing of love that is." she sighs, then continues on her cooking, though the chopping sounds aren't as fast as before, as if she is spacing out just as much as you.

you are quite certain you have found the answer. or at least, it is what you want it to be. "you're the one."

"what's that?" she asks. she doesn't quite catch on your whispered words.

you scramble out of your couch and trips on your way to the kitchen counter. "seulgi. you're the one."

her eyes are bulging wide in complete shock as you round the counter to get closer to her.

"i don't have a ring yet, but will you marry me?"

she doesn't answer verbally. instead, she sets down the knife, then removes her apron, before ing a few of the upper buttons on her shirt. she pulls her shirt aside to show her shoulder, revealing the scar from the bullet wound she suffered a few months ago, a sad smile etched on her face.

to you, that is enough of an answer.

i can't yet.

-----

"oh, hell, i didn't know you smoke." are the surprised words that greet you as sooyoung walks over to your spot far outside the hospital, one of the very few smoking areas in the vicinity.

"i don't." you look at her, your reaction a little lagging.

"then what in the world is that thing doing puffing between your lips?!" she exclaims, pointing at your lips.

"or at least, I haven't been smoking since forever. the last time... ah, it's when my mum passed."

"that's rough, buddy."

you shrug. "i didn't know you smoke either."

"i've been clean for... like, a year?" she counts the months with her fingers. "seungwan's adamant that i stop, and well, i'm working towards that. i just have a terrible habit of walking to and fro my old smoking hangouts. i don't ever near it, buuuut that's not until i saw you here, and i had to make sure it is really you."

"i wasn't planning to smoke. but there was an elderly man smoking at the bench i usually sit to rest, and when i told him he can't smoke there, he gave me a once over, then wordlessly offered me the rest of his pack."

sooyoung nods, understanding the man's intention. "yeah, you look like death."

"thanks."

"what broke you silly?"

"i proposed to seulgi."

sooyoung gasps loudly. "who are you and what have you done to my bae juhyun?"

you let out a dry chuckle. "i suspect she was thinking somewhere along that line."

"damn. didn't go as planned i guess."

"there wasn't any plan in the first place," you pause, taking in a whiff of the cigarette. it burns both your throat and your eyes. "perhaps that's what's done me in."

"did she say no?"

you shake your head.

sooyoung has her eyebrows scrunch together. "so, yes?"

you shake your head again.

"that's the absolute worst."

you nod.

"is it because of her..." sooyoung pauses to think it over. it is always difficult to say it. "...choice of career?"

"most probably. she just showed me the bullet wound."

"ah..." sooyoung mutters helplessly, before snatching the still lit cigarette from your fingers. "gimme that!"

"hey, a year of being clean..." you warn her, though you are much too late. she is already blowing out the death smoke out of her recovering lungs.

"bit of a solidarity, juhyun."

"unsuccessful over there too, i see." despite it all, you just had to laugh.

"seungwan doesn't pay attention at all!" sooyoung groans, pulling bits of her hair, and saying her goodbyes to a healthy scalp. "i've been like, giving out hints that i want to marry her."

"hints?" you giggle.

"yeah, yeah, laugh about it all you want, miss-this-is-not-what-i-planned-but-i-guess-i'll-propose-outta-nowhere."

you take back the cigarette, putting out the in the provided can. "you're not helping."

"and neither is the cigarette, i guess."

"yeah, i don't know what i was thinking." you look at sooyoung then. "or what you were thinking."

"i think seungwan will forgive me. it was for you, anyways."

"yeah, i think she will forgive you, but she i doubt she would notice your hints at marriage," you laugh when sooyoung hits you lightly on your shoulder. "what kind of hints are they anyway?"

"this one time i paid for an advertisement board to be put up with 'seungwan, will you marry me?' on our way back home from the hospital. we passed by it and she didn't say anything. turns out she was dozing off. and she doesn't notice the board for like, the next thirty days it was up. that's when i know seungwan doesn't care about advertisements on the road."

"that's actually quite brilliant."

"you don't even know the half of it! what makes it so much worse is that the board went viral on the internet, and like, so many other 'seungwan' out there got married because of it. and they were all men. i followed the cover stories with fire in my eyes."

"you didn't write her full name?"

"i realised my mistake far too late." sooyoung sighs, defeated.

"what other hints have you been giving?" you ask, interested in just how many ingenious ideas have sooyoung tried to win seungwan over.

"i painstakingly arrange her granola in the morning to spell the magic words out," she counts one more incident. "she mixed the bowl up even before looking into it."

"sounds like seungwan," you snort. if relapsing to old habits does not quite help, then... "maybe we both need a drink tonight."

"more than just one drink." she agrees.

-----

"okay, there are so many things wrong with that scenario." sooyoung comments when you finally told her what actually happened in your kitchen the day before.

you turn your head to the taller woman, already feeling warm from the alcohol. "you think?"

"so many." seungwan repeats. the other nurse decided to tag along, and both you and sooyoung had to change your agendas from crying over your failures in proposing to both of your lovers, to just crying about yours.

you feel strangely comforted by both of their presence in your self punishing routine.

"first of all, you did this after reading one of seungwan's trashy magazines. so your mind is not at its best right at that moment." sooyoung raises her point with a loud clank of her soju glass after downing it in one shot.

"you know you can just cancel the subscription if you don't like it?" seungwan questions. "it's under your name."

"gods, no, woman. you like them so much, and you need it."

you try not to sputter out your drink with laughter.

seungwan doesn't seem to notice the deeper meaning behind sooyoung's words, and the taller nurse shoots you a look that makes it much more difficult to hold your giggles back.

after giving you that helpless look, sooyoung continues. "two, seulgi was holding a knife when you propose to her." she waves two of her fingers around. "not the most ideal time, sure, but it could have gone wrong in so many ways. what if she got so shocked she slipped and the knife ended up somewhere nobody wanted it to be stuck in?"

and another finger gets lifted. "three, why on earth did you take her stripping for an answer?"

"she ed a few buttons." you say in a deadpan voice.

"that's stripping." seungwan confirms, nursing her glass of soda, as she has chosen earlier to be the designated driver for the night.

"what a y way to say 'no'." sooyoung sighs dreamily.

-----

three bottles of soju after, and sooyoung is down for the count. you had paced yourself better, and finds yourself in the sole company of a certain son seungwan after sooyoung falls asleep on the counter. seungwan's company, for one, is usually filled with conversations, and you've always adored all of her warm words. but the ones breaking the silence this time is not as you expected.

"i know sooyoung has been proposing to me for a few months."

your head whips towards seungwan so fast you almost strained it. "what? you know?"

"yes," she chuckles lightly. "i would be an idiot not to notice."

"why didn't you say anything?"

seungwan shakes her head. "i'm not so sure myself why i stayed quiet, but i didn't want to upset her. there's just... so many things holding myself back from marrying her."

"like what?" you question, swishing the soju shot glass in your hand.

"like her parents."

"oh."

"they're not too kind with our relationship, unfortunately," seungwan drums her fingers on the counter lightly. "so if i were to marry sooyoung. i'm afraid she might have cut out most of her family members from her life. and i don't want that to happen."

"i understand."

"if i told her that i worry about that, she would probably argue that i'm the only person she needs in her life, that people who don't support our love are not important to her. what would i say to her then? you know how stubborn she could get."

"a little." you offer seungwan a small smile.

"of course i want to spend the rest of my life with her. but, i don't want to be the only one there for her, you know? i want her to be surrounded by loving families and friends, and marrying me... won't give her that," seungwan too, smiles weakly at you. "and there's also the fact that there is a policy in the hospital that... discourages a relationship like ours. we could both lose our jobs."

you blink quickly, thinking. "yerim... might be able to do something about that. that sort of policy must have been archaic by now."

"even if she does, we will still be frowned upon. two coworkers... of the same gender... married. people could be nasty about it. that's why we have been pretty much hiding our real relationship. i'm afraid for both of us, you know?"

"i know. people like us, we're still not fully accepted by everyone."

"you told seulgi about that woman who decided to donate her brain dead lover's organs..."

"yes, she made me think over a lot of things."

"i overhead some other nurses badmouthing them. saying things like that is what happens to people who go against the laws of nature, and... it was just an awful lot of words to hear really."

"that's horrible."

"you're right, and it is not the life i want to live with sooyoung. or at least, not now."

"that does not mean you love her any less." you say, your voice is clear with conviction.

-----

"do you need any more company there?" her voice rings from behind you, and you turn, half in surprise, and half in relief when you see her hunching under the vendor cart's drapes.

"come in, and sit down." you motion her in, tapping on the free seat next to you.

she does so, her shoulders shake with deep chuckles at the two unconscious figures to your other side. "are those two lightweights alright?"

"sooyoung is one matter, but seungwan is another thing altogether. she pulled an impressive betrayal, really. named herself designated driver but now she's... she's gone."

"long day, have you?"

"i fear it is much longer for these two. they have their own troubles."

"i can see that."

"how about you? how was your day?"

"not much to tell. just another day of making you wait."

"that's alright. i boast a rather large field of patience."

she chuckles again. "though large, it is barren. those two months i was away surely took a toll on your crops."

"it is a while yet until i could start cultivating them." you say, playing along.

"and there will be bountiful crops after?"

"in time," you smile, then turning to the vendor's owner. "drinks, seulgi?"

"no, thank you, who would drive all of you home if i'm also indisposed?" she shakes her head, accompanied by a light laughter. "but i'd love some mandu."

you relay the order to the vendor. "can we get some fried mandu, please."

she taps your shoulder gently. "i'll be right back."

you don't ask where she's going. you only wait. you're afraid that you are getting too good at it.

soon after, she is back at the vendor, this time with yerim in tow.

"woah, so this is what it looks like," yerim comments as she sits down. "it's so cool."

"evening, yerim." you greet her warmly.

"good evening to you too, doc. i see you've got a couple of drunks with you there."

"don't tease them too much, hm?"

"not about to," she laughs heartily. "everyone's got their own battles to fight. funny how they all end up crashing at places like these when they do."

"not everyone can afford those lavish establishments you frequent, yerim." seulgi prods yerim on her side, making her yelp.

"you know that's just work. i'd much prefer getting wasted like this."

"just one of those days, huh?" you question.

yerim cheers when she sees the plate of fried mandu heading their way. "one of those days."

-----

"thank you for walking me home." you turn at the door of your apartment towards her. she is not out of her work yet with yerim sleeping soundly in her car, so you don't try to hold her back for too long.

she moves to encase you in a warm embrace, much welcomed in the slight chill of the late night. "you know there is no one else i see in my future, right?"

"i know." you sigh, digging yourself deeper to the crook of her neck.

the two of you stay in each other's hold for perhaps a minute longer than you really should, but it is hard to let go. it is you who reminds her of her impending task. "yerim's waiting for you."

"right," she says, but doesn't actually let you go. "is it alright if i come back after and spend the night?"

"of course."

"thank you, i'll be back." then, she slinks away.

"seulgi?" you call for her before she gets too far. "i love you."

she turns, her face flushed. before she rushes away, she replies, "i love you too, juhyun."

then, you lie in wait.

-----