try as hard as you might, your flat is still not as sterilized as a hospital's ward would be, and it is quite inevitable that she would contract a fever. you tend to her quietly, and gently, wiping the sweat caked to her skin, changing the wet towel placed on her forehead, and redressing the wound with new bandages as required. your worries of an infection are still at large, and you cannot afford to make even one tiny mistake. thankfully, her wound is not festered and the only sign of infection she has is her running fever.

the worst has come to pass, and her temperature is declining, but you can't let your guard down.

not now, not ever.

you are busy wiping down her sweat again when she finally comes to, a small moan passing through her lips and her eyes flipping open, bleary. you quickly move to her face so she could see you better, a small smile gracing your lips as you do so. "seulgi-ah."

"...juhyun?" she murmurs, still sluggish.

she is then pushing herself up with a heave, and you don't stop her, merely providing support with your hand behind her back. it is even more sweaty on her back, as the last time you turn her to change the wound dressing had been almost two hours ago. she is looking around, frantic, and you rest a hand on her thigh in an effort to calm her.

you caress her thigh gently. she is shivering against your touch. "hey, hey, it's okay."

"wh-where am i...? how long have i..." she pants, not quite finishing her sentence, and turns her head back to focus on you.

"yerim and i moved you here from the safehouse. that's two days ago. i was hoping you'd sleep longer..."

"two days?" she repeats, clearly disgruntled.

"yes."

"we... we're at your flat?" she asks again, eyebrows scrunched together and lips tight. she looks scared, and you're unsure why.

"yes. it's okay, you're safe here."

she makes an effort to get up to her feet, and this time, you do stop her, almost yelling too, "you're not going anywhere!" you don't think you've ever used this loud of a tone with her, and it does catch her off guard. she stops immediately, looking at you with wide eyes, and your gaze softens just as quick. "i'm sorry for yelling at you. you have a fever, seulgi-ah. you need to rest more."

"i-i can't..." she says, her hand holding on to her wound. you don't think she is in much pain, she is still doped with painkillers, so you think she is trying to access the damage to see if she could actually make her way out on her own. you feel a small tug in your heart at this thought. "it's not safe. they'll find me. i- i'll put you in danger."

"i think you've been doing that from the very start." you say, and you quickly realise that's the wrong thing to say because she tenses up immediately and becomes smaller, hunched in her form.

"that's not what i meant," you try again, more careful with your words this time. it is at this moment that you realise just how tired you are. you haven't slept well last night and the night before that because you were waking up periodically to check up on seulgi. and when the fever first plagued her, you could feel your heart drop to your stomach. you were so worried. "it's just... with you being involved in an organized crime syndicate... i would think i have been placed in harm's way from all the way back then. nothing is all that different now is it?"

"i'm sorry," she says, genuine in her words, you can tell that easily. "i... i've tried not to get close to you. gods, i tried so hard. i am more than aware that you would be in danger should i continue to approach you."

she seems to be shaking more, and that is when you sit closer to her, pulling her in for an embrace. you rest your jaw on her uninjured shoulder, and your hand is drawing calming circles on her back.

with you so close, she can no longer hold back. she lets out a harsh sob, and you hear more than see her crying. "i tried so hard not to fall in love with you, but i fell, and i fell hard for you, juhyun."

you pull her tighter to you.

she continues, her breathing gets harsher as she is racked with sobs. "back when i first met you, i knew i should have just stepped back, leave you alone and become a distant memory that you would one day forget, just another stranger in a sea of unrecognizable faces. but then... i kept coming back to find you. you were so sad, and i wanted to help you as best as i can. when i brought you home for the first time, i didn't mean to stay the night, but you... you were talking in your sleep. and it was not just any mere drunk sleep talking, no."

you know. you were at your lowest that time.

"you were deeply distraught. you moan about your regret, and you shared your hopes in the few hours i was watching over you. and i know sleep talking is never a good sign. i couldn't help it. i stayed, wanting to comfort you, though i didn't know how."

"you did more than that." you tell her.

even so, she apologises. "i'm sorry, juhyun."

you shake your head, removing yourself from the shared embrace. "don't be," slowly pushing her back to lie down, you gently tuck away her bangs from sticking to her sweaty forehead, and you wipe away her tears with careful movements. "you should go back to sleep. your fever is coming down, but you need to rest more."

you pepper her with soft, tender kisses on the side of her head, and it seems to work, as she is finding sleep again.

you remain vigilant after, monitoring her heartbeat, blood pressure and temperature for any changes.

-----

the next time she wakes up, it is already night, and she isn't as groggy, her voice is clear as she calls out for you. "juhyun?"

"huh?" you rush from your resting spot on the floor, pressing your fingers on your eyes to get rid of the sleepiness. she is watching you attentively before you could offer her a smile. "i'm here."

"you haven't had much sleep, have you?" she asks you, and you feel quite guilty about being caught.

"i'm fine." you say, getting up and heading to the kitchen before she could prod more. you come back with a glass of water, and she visibly gulps. "here, i'm sure you're incredibly thirsty. you've been sweating so much."

"thank you," she murmurs, shuffling to get up. you hasten to help her, and almost spills the water in the process. she empties the glass quickly, and you help her lie down again. "how is it?"

it takes you a minute to process what she actually means, and you answer when you think it is the right answer. "your wounds aren't infected, but i still need to clean the wounds and change the dressing every couple of hours. my flat isn't disinfected like a hospital, i'm afraid."

"okay," she says, heaving a raspy breath out. "how about you?"

"me...?"

she nods lightly. "don't you have any questions for me?"

"no, not now. we can do that later, when you're feeling much better."

"i am feeling much better now." she is quick to reassure you.

"will there ever be a time when you would let me win?" you try, exasperated with how stubborn she is.

"it will come, but not now."

"fine," you give in, hand moving to grasp on hers, still rather weak in its grip. what a terrible liar, you think. "how much longer did you plan on keeping me in the dark about your real job?"

"you don't beat around the bush, do you?" she chuckles, and the sound tugs on your heart so strongly that you are sure it stops beating for a moment. "i honestly don't know, juhyun. i was terrified with the thought of telling you."

"terrified?" you ask, unsure.

"yes," she answers, more certain with it this time around. "if you had known, i-- you would probably push me away. you would be scared of me, won't you? so i would be forced to put some distance from you, and i know far too well that it would break me apart. i love you. i love you so much," she takes in a deep breath. "i can't have you be afraid of me. i'm sorry that i'm so selfish with you."

you bring your free hand to clasp on hers with both hands, still wordlessly listening.

"but because i am endangering your life the longer i stay by your side, i kept debating with myself on whether i should leave you for good, but i couldn't do it no matter how hard i try," she rasps. "i've wanted nothing more than to tell you, but i feel like the more you know about my job, the more likely you are to be in danger. i was... i was at an impossible place," she blinks as she looks up to you, tears evidently threatening to pour out of her eyes again. "when i got shot... the first thing i felt was the regret that i didn't love you with all honesty. that i didn't tell you who i truly was. and when yerim suggested that she get you to save me, i-- i tried to stop her. i didn't want you to see me like this."

"but i saw you." you say, soft in your tone.

"yes," she murmurs. "you saw me as i truly am, and you kissed me."

"i did."

her words seem to be stuck in , and it takes her some time to finally say, "i thought you would hate me for lying to you..."

and at that moment, your own floodgates are open, and you could feel the fresh tears rolling down your cheeks. "i could never hate you," you start, wanting her to understand. "you made me feel loved again. the feeling of it is so much more powerful, and deeper than ever, something that i have not felt since my mother passed away so long ago. how could i possibly hate you for enabling me to see the beauty of the world? to see the people who is relying on me to save them after a long time of shifting my gaze away from them? to see them as an individual instead of another hopeless case? and to make me love someone like this?"

"love?" she repeats, as if in a trance.

"yes, love, you've given me an abundance of it, remember?" you smile, brushing away your own tears, but still, they gush out, and you realise then that this is the first time you've shown this side of you to her. you have always been quite the cry baby to her, but this is you, raw and the realest as you could ever be. "i haven't even returned them all in favour."

"you don't owe me anything." she sighs, her chest rising and falling in a steady beat.

"i do, and you know that. so you can't die before i could return it all."

"that's a lot to demand." she mutters, and laughs along with you.

"i know it is. but i can be selfish too, can't i? you told me to live the first time we met, and now i'm asking you to do the same."

"you can, and i will," she brings up her hands then, studying them. "but i... juhyun, there's so much blood on my hands. i've killed more people than that sleaze han jungwoo."

"dr. han jungwoo." you correct her.

"he doesn't deserve that title." she mutters darkly.

"i have blood on my hands too," you say after another chorus of laugh, bringing your own hands up and meeting your palm with hers before you secure her hand, holding it tightly. "the patients that i couldn't saved, they died by my hands. i've killed too, seulgi."

"but this isn't the same--"

"sure it is," you say with a certainty. "from what i could hear from yerim, she stayed with us the first three hours after we moved you here, it seems like you've never unnecessarily killed. both of our morality is ambiguous at this point, so aren't we both one and the same?"

she blinks, bleary. "so... um, you're alright with this? with me? i'm part of a mob..."

"you don't traffic human nor drugs."

"uh, no. i've stopped drug productions before, shut down a lab."

"seems odd for a mobster."

"yerim's family is... you're right, it is odd, in a way. we've pretty much let go of our past as a mob, and just... embraced doing our businesses legally," she recounts, letting out a small sigh. "sure, there are moments when we have to make our move out of the public's eyes, and we make a lot of money still from our properties, but we don't extort people nor deal with black markets anymore."

"so... why do you kill people?"

she brushes her nape with her free hand, seemingly nervous. "i-i was a hitman, from another clan."

"a hitman?" you repeat in disbelief.

"i killed people without questioning anything. i was an animal, juhyun. it is easy to become one when you don't have anyone to love or depend on... this was when i was very young, i was of age though, and the orphanage could no longer shelter me, so i ended up on the streets... i had to survive, somehow."

she pauses for a bit, and you know then she is not yet ready to get you more deeply into these darker years of hers, and of course, you don't push her. she continues, hoping you did not catch her hesitance. "there was a huge price on yerim's father's head when he was emerging as some sort of crime lord in underground seoul, and i was tasked to kill him," there is a small smile that adorns her lips, reminiscing a distant memory that is still as vivid as ever to her. "he found me and disarmed me first without hurting me, and took me in as a part of his family. i still remember what he said to me, 'a pretty young lady like you shouldn't be forced to kill.'"

you lie down beside her as she continues, hugging her good arm.

"i was welcomed into the family, and yerim, being the eldest child, actually takes me as an elder sister figure. i watch yerim's little sister being born, and that seems to change the whole clan's perspective on things. they stop almost all of their illicit activities, and starts to operate legally as a registered security company."

"people who used to inflict fear on people are now the ones protecting them, hm?" you say with a hearty laugh.

"the irony doesn't fail on me, thanks. but we've been doing so well from then on. this is..." she pauses again, thinking. "this is a small bump on the road. we will get over it."

"how?"

"as much as i don't like it, i believe that same animal i was back then needs to be brought back, just for a moment," she says, clenching on her fist, trying her controls of her fingers, you think. "those yakuza need to be brought back to justice, or at least we'll make them leave the country. they have done enough damage here. women are scared, and addicts are dying."

"addicts?"

"i'm afraid most of the drug labs i closed operations before are connected to them, which would make perfect sense, as they were producing drugs that are more popular in japan than it is in korea. they can't be this upset over me stopping their hidden cameras operation... they have made the first move, so now it is our turn. i want to stop them for good this time."

you hum before you ask in a soft voice, but loud enough for her to hear. you are lying so close to her after all. "will you come home safely to me?"

"of course." she answers, turning her head slightly to face you.

"then that is good enough." you say, before you surge forward to lock her lips in a deep, passionate kiss. she kisses you back with just as much fervour, and you both moan and gasp breathlessly when you part, in desperate need for air. to think that all this time, she was holding herself back... this means so much to you, and you think it is the same for her. she is gazing at you with her love pouring out of her eyes, warm and earnest in her devotion. how could you even start to hate this person who loves you so deeply and selflessly?

you don't think you would ever need to find an answer to that as she is now kissing your neck tenderly.

you've forgotten that she still is running that fever.

-----