Beware! Angst (ofc)

Another anniversary had passed by, in which candle lights had burnt out, food remained untouched and ice cold, while Yixing sat in the darkness waiting, waiting for a singing sound from his phone, the door opening, or just anything that let him know that Junmyeon would be there this time. When the old clock in the living room hit midnight, Yixing knew that wouldn’t happen anymore, January tenth was over.

It hadn’t always been this way, this miserable, this lonely. Their first anniversary as boyfriends, just two college students on their senior year, they had spent it laying on the floor eating instant noodles because they couldn’t afford a table set just yet. Compared to the oak-wood table that nowadays was only used by Yixing’s spot, Yixing wouldn’t have minded reliving those table-less times.

He sighed. His fists on top of the table wanted to smash everything into smithereens, the glasses, the champagne, the plates, he wanted everything gone from his sight. Yixing restrained himself, though, because Junmyeon would complain about the house being a mess only for them to end up fighting again, about the same old thing Yixing didn’t even know what it was. Instead, Yixing stood up and bolted out to the balcony, where he sat down on one of the sunchairs. Seoul’s thousands of lights could be seen from their apartment, it was on the last floor after all. After hours of only listening to his own breathing, Yixing’s ears grasped the movement of the wind. He also saw the Han River flowing on the distance, the city skyline. He missed the old view, the one that was above a pizza place, that had a laundry shop across the noisy, crowded street.

Slowly, his anger ebbed away only to be replaced by sadness.

The first time Junmyeon had missed their anniversary, Yixing had cried. He had cried thinking what if something had happened to him? Junmyeon had messaged him he’ll be late, but then it was too late. Was that why he hadn’t answered his calls, his text messages? Was that why he wasn’t there? Of course, his worries had been futile because it turned out Junmyeon had been out drinking with some associates to celebrate their new partnership, of course, he couldn’t simply leave his superiors like that, not even for their second wedding anniversary. To add to his defense, Junmyeon had also said, Yixing put too much value into celebrating certain dates when each day they spend together was worthy of a bliss. Yixing had understood his logic, yes, he also treasured every day they spend together, that was what should matter. He did forgive Junmyeon for missing out on that, and he forgave him the upcoming four times as well.

But how long would this go?

As the years passed, Junmyeon got more and more immersed in work that they rarely saw each other much during the weekdays. Even at the weekends, Junmyeon could have some work-related commitment, or he worked from home, or he had to do this and that. Yes, Yixing understood that as the years passed Junmyeon had climbed more and more on the corporate ladder, bringing not only more monetary reward and luxuries Yixing had never dreamt of, but also more responsibilities and lack of time. And while Yixing appreciated all of Junmyeon’s efforts, supported his dream of flourishing in his career, he also appreciated to have a present husband, a husband that wouldn’t miss out anniversaries, birthdays, heck even vacations. It was funny, how Yixing and Junmyeon had excitedly planned their trip to northern Japan, only for Junmyeon to spend all fourteen days stuck in their hotel room trying to fix whatever the hell was going wrong at the company. Yixing had more pictures with their Japanese tour guide and translator, Kenta, than with Junmyeon.

Yixing shook his head. He reached for his pockets and brought out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. This is the last cigarette, he told himself while he lightened it for the nth time. He had been saying so for the past months, but some habits were too hard to fully let go of, even if this one was killing him.

Perhaps Yixing had himself to blame at this point. Just because Junmyeon had said ‘Yes, Xing, this time I promise I’ll be there’ while kissing him on the lips, didn’t mean he would stick to it. His grandmother had always warned him from believing what was said amid heady kisses. Of course, something, just anything, would get in the way and Junmyeon couldn’t ignore it, not even for him. Yixing could wait, work couldn’t.

Yet Yixing hadn’t learned. He still expected a grand gesture of love from Junmyeon. Junmyeon leaving work to come and be with him. Junmyeon saying screw this , tossed his laptop on the floor and ed Yixing against the desk in his home office, the place where his husband seemed to spend most of the time at home.

me: this weekend I'm gonna study the heck out of this Krebs cycle, amino acids, fat metabolism  and then ace this ing biochemistry exam on Tuesday

also me: spends this afternoon listening to sad music (bless you, Kim Jongdae) and writing sad sulay stuff because why not 🤷‍♀️ 

P.S. I kinda liked this drabble (ofc haha) so maybe I'll make it into a one-shot in the far, far, far future